Prom Dress Shopping - Mum's Honour overstepped by Step Mum. AIBU??

[SADMA]

As I write this, I am devastated.

My daughter, my only child, is having her prom this summer. An experience I've looked forward to for a long time. Special days out we had planned for the Easter holidays, having researched and researched colours, styles, hair to match and looking forward to the magical day shopping with my girl, seeing her try on her first formal gowns, have the emotional rite of passage together.

Not now :-( Her step-Mum, who is a tyrant with her 99.9% of the time, has only gone and done it with her, in an appointment lasting little over an hour, buying a dress on sale from the 2019 sale collection which only fits the colour remit and taken what should have been our magical experience and memories made to last a lifetime. Step Mum has her own children to do this with when the time comes.

AIBU to feel she's overstepped the mark?

AIBU to believe it's Mum's honour to prepare her daughter for prom?

AIBU considering I had no issue that Step Mum wanted to book her tan and nails, and reserve the jewel of the crown for just me and my daughter to do together?

Can't help but feel so upset. That first moment can never happen once it's happened..... the first glimpse and to see her face trying dream dresses on. The one moment that can't be recreated let alone replicated now the dress has been bought.

If we go again to try dresses and she finds something she likes better ( chances are she probably would bearing in mind the dress bought doesn't fit) and buy it, world war will commence with my daughter in the middle of it. I always bend for the sake of peace, but this is something else..........The one time in 16 years I don't feel I can let it slide.

AIBU???????

[SecretSpAD]

If you're so desperate to take a girl shopping for a fancy dress take mine! I can't be bothered with all that shit.

However, this is actually all about some probably invisible war with her step mum really, isn't it. How sad for your daughter.

[SecretSpAD]

The cool kids and the Oxbridge crowd certainly do not go.
Lol, if only. My daughter is at a hideously academic boarding school and all we've heard since Christmas is about the fucking prom. What dress, what shoes, what jewellery, what bag.....luckily none of them are chavvy enough for a fake tan or other fake stuff...but totally false to say the cool or clever crowd don't get obsessed.

The point is, it's a nice party for kids. All the parents should do is pay the bill and warn about hangovers and make sure they have some condoms.

[ranoutofquinoaandprosecco]

I think if your DD doesn't like the dress her SM bought her and she's leaving for the prom from your house just go shopping with her like you were both planning and then she can wear what she is happy in. I hope she finds something nice that's she's picked out.

[Planetbippop]

I'm genuinely surprised at the hate OP has received. She is a woman who has been left raising her children. SM sounds extremely controlling but OP has been blamed & accused of having major issues with her.

OP doesn't hate the woman, she simply doesn't like how SM has no interest one minute & the next, takes her SD shopping for her prom dress. In OP's shoes, who wouldn't feel the same. Until you experience that, you've no idea how much it hurts & understandably, Mum feels that hurt.

Clearly, a lot more has gone on & OP wants to ensure her DD has a fab prom & it's a happy evening....Why have so many backed SM? Until you have another woman in your child's life, I don't think the majority have any idea. Give OP a break.

[WiddlinDiddling]

I don't think you're reading the same thread @Planetbippop - I don't see anyone has actually supported the SM.

Some have suggested that the daughter is not actually unhappy with the dress SM picked out with her, but she dare not tell the OP this..

Most are in agreement that as dramatic as the OP is, the SM has potentially over-stepped somewhat.

The 'hate' as you call it, is for the over dramatic behaviour, the over investment in what is just a swanky party, and mostly for the fact she seems to be allowing the SM (if this is actually the case) to bully her daughter.

I'll admit, telling folk who didn't wholeheartedly agree with her that they're all haters and she won't entertain their opinions is unlikely to do her any favours...

[veronica02]

I'd be livid! As a stepmother myself, I would have NEVER done such a thing for a special occasion without consulting mom. Sounds like you need to have a chat with SM or this is likely to happen again. YANBU

[FlissyPaps]

Why have so many backed SM?

I haven’t seen any posts that back SM. Just a lot of posts that OP needs to get a grip and understand it is her DD’s decision on who she goes shopping with and what she wears on the day.

If DD feels controlled by SM then it’s OP’s responsibility to step the fuck in and tell her straight. Not complain on MN.

If anyone tried to control my kid and make them wear something they didn’t want to, step-parent or not I’d be doing something about it not being dramatic on the internet.

[LynetteScavo]

@TheHoptimist - we don't have an Oxbridge crowd- one or two at 6th form, but certainly not a "crowd" at Y11. - the "cool kids" in DDs year turned up in very individual styles, not from a prom shop, and they'd not had professional hair and makeup, but they were definitely there. It was really lovely to see everyone's individuality. So, yes it must be a different type of school - you must have better school halls where you live, or maybe no one where you live wants to pay £35 for a soggy sausage roll at a hotel with an over enthusiastic DJ.

OP, if the shoes don't fit let the SM know- she can sort it out. Maybe spend the money you would have spent on the prom on a great day out with DD instead?

[JennyHogon]

@hangrylady

Thing is OP you don't 'make memories' they just happen. Like the time the seagull shat on my dads fish and chips or when my mum inadvertently walked round town in see through trousers. Memories can't be forced. You talk like a Disney film.

I was just about to comment 🤮 to the OP's "making memories" shite, but this tickled me. My DC are now adults, but their childhood memories include being shat on by a seagull (as it happens), one of them breaking their arm when they were playing a nice game of sliding down the banisters, and XH almost losing one of them. They do have some nice memories too, obviously, but they are all entirely accidental. I just did stuff with them and never thought about it all having to be curated and filtered and Made Special.

[LizzoBennett]

@RampantIvy I didn't say they weren't a thing in the UK, I said they weren't as big a deal as in the US. I'm 28. Like I say, I did have a prom and it was in a hotel but it was quite relaxed.

As @fedupsotired said, it sounds like things have changed more recently. I hope it isn't a thing by the time my one year old is a teenager

[RampantIvy]

Sorry @LizzoBennett I misunderstood you. I am not familiar with how OTT they are in the US.

[3Daddy31982]

The dress isn't right. Neither you nor her are happy so go get another one. Problem solved

[WildImaginings]

This can't be real.

[Moodycow78]

The step mother is a bitch who definitely overstepped the mark so you should go ahead with your plans. However it's really not healthy to be this invested/involved in your daughter's prom, it's not a wedding 🙄

[Porcupineintherough]

I am not seeing the problem here. If you want to take your dd shopping for a prom dress do so. Your dd doesnt have to wear the dress chosen with her stepmother (although it would have been better if she had had the guts to say so at the time). Indeed at 16 she never even has to see the woman again. You however need to step away from the emotion laden melodrama.

[Walkingalot]

You are not being unreasonable at all but your poor DD is stuck in the middle of this.
If your DD isn't that keen on the dress and it doesn't fit properly, then take her shopping yourself, as planned. On the day itself, say that she tried the dress on again and it really doesn't fit well, so you did a bit of last minute shopping.

[goldenembers]

What have I just read - and who is Sandra?

OP, so what if the SM has bought this dress. Just go prom dress shopping with your DD anyway, if it means that much to you. Sounds like the other dress doesn’t fit anyway, so just tell the woman thanks very much, but it’s not suitable so please return it. Blimey.

[LynetteScavo]

@3Daddy31982

Why doesn't it fit. Is she a big girl?

The award for the most stupid question on MN ever goes to @3Daddy31982

The dress doesn't fit because it's not the same size as the child.

[hangrylady]

@JennyHogon it's always bloody seagulls!

[Carryonmarion]

I agree that you are totally over invested and are setting yourself up to be disappointed no matter what with this dream scenario you have. I imagine that would put a lot of pressure on your daughter to play her role appropriately in this fantasy.

However at the same time I have sympathy for you and I think the SM has really overstepped the mark here. I’m a step mum close to DSD and she lives with us 95% of the time but I totally leave this sort of thing to her mum and will not be getting involved in prom stuff unless asked.

[JennyHogon]

[quote hangrylady]@JennyHogon it's always bloody seagulls![/quote]


As for prom dresses: they fell into the "oh God, not another bloody thing to add to the list of things to do/spend money on". I'd have been very grateful for anyone who had spared me that one!

[EveryCloudIsGrey]

Oh my. This is such a Daily Fail type of thread? Hope OP changed some details

[crumpet]

There have been a lot of issues with the SM over the years, but in fact dd wore an old ball dress of the step mothers to her prom, looked lovely and we all saved a ton of money.

This is obviously important to the OP, but is it truly as important to the dd? It feels she is under a lot of pressure between the 2 sides - what does the actually want to to, and does she feel free to express them or will she worry about hurting one side or the other? She’s only 16