Prom Dress Shopping - Mum's Honour overstepped by Step Mum. AIBU??

[SADMA]

As I write this, I am devastated.

My daughter, my only child, is having her prom this summer. An experience I've looked forward to for a long time. Special days out we had planned for the Easter holidays, having researched and researched colours, styles, hair to match and looking forward to the magical day shopping with my girl, seeing her try on her first formal gowns, have the emotional rite of passage together.

Not now :-( Her step-Mum, who is a tyrant with her 99.9% of the time, has only gone and done it with her, in an appointment lasting little over an hour, buying a dress on sale from the 2019 sale collection which only fits the colour remit and taken what should have been our magical experience and memories made to last a lifetime. Step Mum has her own children to do this with when the time comes.

AIBU to feel she's overstepped the mark?

AIBU to believe it's Mum's honour to prepare her daughter for prom?

AIBU considering I had no issue that Step Mum wanted to book her tan and nails, and reserve the jewel of the crown for just me and my daughter to do together?

Can't help but feel so upset. That first moment can never happen once it's happened..... the first glimpse and to see her face trying dream dresses on. The one moment that can't be recreated let alone replicated now the dress has been bought.

If we go again to try dresses and she finds something she likes better ( chances are she probably would bearing in mind the dress bought doesn't fit) and buy it, world war will commence with my daughter in the middle of it. I always bend for the sake of peace, but this is something else..........The one time in 16 years I don't feel I can let it slide.

AIBU???????

You're massively over exaggerating here.
Prom is a glorified disco. They've not been around in the UK all that long and this idea of it being some magical wedding dress shopping esque thing is quite ridiculous.

By all means take her to try on a few more, but you've hardly missed out

I totally understand how you feel as my only daughter has done similar things regarding her stepmother (I also missed my daughter's prom). She pretty much took over being the mother of the my kids when she came into the picture. It has caused more than 20 years of pain and heartache. I partially blamed the stepmother for stepping on my mommy toes again and again and again. We finally talked about it in great detail but nothing changed. She takes over everything and is so involved in my kids' lives that I'm the outsider. I partially blame my daughter at this point because she is an adult and can make her own choices but the foundation was laid many years ago by the stepmother. I leave every family gathering loaded with anxiety and stress to the point I don't even want to go anymore. I totally feel your pain. My best advice, talk to your daughter and the stepmother. Tell the stepmother to back off and tell the daughter to consider your feelings. Good luck!!

I don’t know why I came across this on Apple News and I don’t know why I feel so compelled to reply.
But here I am.
Personally, I think this is a lot of over extending yourself emotionally and it’s simply not worth your time or energy to be so bothered.
I don’t know your daughter or her step mother but I think it’s worth considering that your daughter was simply and classically abusing the powers of separated / divorced parents and the grand opportunity to end up with 2 dresses.
Your feelings are feelings, making this a big dramatic deal was likely already perceived by your daughter at the check out, as well as with her step mom.
Whether spoken and agreed upon together knowingly commenting on how you would feel that’s a catty character nuance neither here nore there.
I don’t know if her step mom was out of line, maybe it was an off the cuff accidental thing, or maybe she’s dying for her step daughter to love her, maybe she’s just sad and making your daughter happy gives her life, maybe leaving you out of it gives her life, I can’t say. The rules of a step mom is hard territory for anyone.

Ultimately though, I think this has all the signature classics of teenager abuse of powers.
I can’t blame a girl for giving into having options.
Your daughter likely knows full well that this was going to strike a nerve with you. The happenstance of this shopping excursion occurring as it did, knowingly adds a competitive edge for her to take advantage of quite opportunistically.

Your feelings about it aside, I wouldn’t let the suffering tare you down and out of the game. I am sure this feeling of concern, aka the FOMO of your daughters other mother and life outside of you is a regularly taxing feeling. I’m sure the competitive need to try to show up and stand out to her step mother is a constant presence on your mind that can easily suck you down the drain of feeling at a loss.
My suggestion is simply to not let that happen.
Stop competing, stop giving in, stop fighting and suffering over what feels like it should be yours and for what you feel you have unfairly lost to the circumstances.

At the end of the day, putting her step mother in her place won’t get you the resolve you want and likely only the opportunity for her to walk away somehow with more validity or power over it all.
Don’t give her that.
Not only because she’s not worth it, but also because your wanting to dramatize this with the weight of all the other times and make this small moment so big does not have you showing up or walking away powerfully. Making small moments like this where 2 individuals may or may not have been clearly willed to selfishly take advantage for their own personal gain takes nothing away from the moment you and your daughter (who is likely still planning and hoping to take full advantage of going with you) will have together shopping as planned.
Whether or not your daughter actually imagined herself wearing any of those dresses she saw while out with her step mom did not matter. What mattered was that she had an open wallet opportunity to have options.
And this is simply just a 16 year old taking what she can get knowing full well it will hurt you and you will get over it.
You can “play hard to get to go prom dress shopping again” but at the end of the day neither of them are going to feel as bad as you want it known for them to feel.

Personally I would take this as a clear tell that her step mom is threatened by you and wants you to feel like she’s a threat, she’s not. Your her mother and there’s if you can cut the idea that of completion out of you mind for good then you will actually start to enjoy and be more you with your daughter. The competition starts and ends with whether or not you feel every moment with your daughter should be subconsciously and consciously under the weight this other woman. Her presence is always going to be there, and you are likely always showing up a little less than who you could be because you’re constantly feeling pushed by the competitive existence of your daughters other life. Don’t let all theses threatening competitive ideas control your ability to show up and be the best presence of mom you can be all because you are giving into show up the competition. In the end when you feel you are being pushed to fall into giving your daughter what she wants because you feel you have to, your only lowering yourself to swim with your 16 year old daughter and her step mom, swimming in the shallow pool selling yourself out for for some self affirming desire to be seen more valuable to your daughter.
At the end of the day her step mom is just an optimistic open wallet when needed and aside from that she likely looks at your daughter everyday and hates knowing that your daughter is a living breathing constant present reminder of the love her husband has/had for you.

As for your daughter, don’t take it personally that she was being a typical lowkey brat, taking advantage of the situation.
I mean she’s 16 and it was right there in her face, open wallet an all. She wasn’t thinking of you and she’ll likely do it again in some other way because she feels your fight to compete for her.
I wouldn’t be one of those mothers cheering her on for taking advantage of their wallet and abusing powers to get every thing she wants. That’s not cute. That never ends with a decently raised adult.

If you want to say anything call her out in a way that doesn’t create the drama she may have expected. Particularly say nothing of your pain or reference they distaste for her stepmom being out of line.
Instead, take her off guard by not exposing any hurt or personal feelings in the matter. Condone her using the situation to her advantage.. you get that who wouldn’t want 2 dresses for prom, but it’s not a good look on her. Whether or not she cares of coming off as a brat is her lesson of judgment in the long hall. And although you think her better than this and though the sentiment of this being reserved especially for you is clearly not worth consideration to say no thank you in the wake of her own self indulgent having cake manipulative advantage…
You understand.
After all she’s only 16. And since she is 16, and you know that she will likely always try to have her cake and eat it to, you would at least like her to be straight up with you about it. All this pretending and beating around the bush always acting in denial of what she is doing is. Denying any compassion for you puts up a sad show for the kind of brilliant young woman you know and love who has compassion and awareness.
So being straight up about it would show over the next couple months an opening of what Love should look like on her end for you as a person she loves and isn’t trying to get anything out of but you will likely give her anyway. If you can maintain your cool and keep your emotional triggers at bay, being able to recognize the moments she is taking advantage of you and can be direct in talking about it without it hurting you or having consequences she will quickly see how much she respects you and will start to acknowledge that you’re not stupid, that you love and support her no matter what, and there for she can realize that supporting and loving you means not hurting your feelings for her own personal gain.

My daughter didn't want to go but SM rules the roost. Dad is dependent. It's not easy all you haters

Thatsnot very nice calling people who disagree with you haters....rather than getting g caught up in all this I would be more concerned I had raised a 16 year old who cant stand up for herself and say no, I'm going with my Mum to get my dress!

Step mum is called Sandra? Blimey, didn’t realised there were any Sandra’s under 60 left in the country.

Sorry, misses the point, have a

@SADMA

I'm a stepmum too to to 2 beautiful girls and wouldn't dream of taking them, etiquette is Mum's role and I wouldn't dream of stepping on Sandras toes.

My daughter is invested, as most are in her year, hence wanting to make it so special. She's asked SM if we can pick up her dress at the weekend for shoes, bag, accessories, and met with a no, it's "our dress"......one of the pitfalls I wanted to avoid for her. Already has accessories sorted? But my daughter has no choice in that? Will the shoes even fit?

If this is a precursor of the future I can imagine a wedding abroad as SM is frightened of flying and has only been as far as France through the euro tunnel...however there's time yet, afterall DH is husband number 3 and the last one still pays the mortgage.....

Yes it's a big deal to me, I want my daughter to be happy, for us to enjoy the experience and make memories. It's what we do. Girly holidays, mini breaks with school friends, half of her friends live here at weekends and aren't welcome at SMs, quality time together and habits of our lifetime doing things together.

Maybe that's it??? There is very little relationship between them, and her own children spend more time with her parents or their own Dads ( 2 girls, 2 dads and a boy with my daughters dad) than at home.

Maybe she won't be having that with her own?🤔

My daughter didn't want to go but SM rules the roost. Dad is dependent. It's not easy all you haters...

But as my mum taught me to only value the opinions of people that add value, thank you for your time 😊

"Haters"?

Ah, ok this is a reverse. You're clearly the teenage girl.

YADNBU. I would be wholly pissed off with the SM. I would message her to say that the dress is unsuitable and suggest she returns it as your DD will not be wearing it. Then go ahead with your planned day of shopping and trying on dresses, before letting your DD choose a dress that she is happy with. There are some instances where it's completely fine NOT to be a people pleaser, and this is definitely one of them, enjoy!

@viques

Step mum is called Sandra? Blimey, didn’t realised there were any Sandra’s under 60 left in the country.

Sorry, misses the point, have a

To be fair, OP didn’t reveal Sandra’s age 😂

I think Sandra is the mum of two girls to whom OP is step-mum, not the step-mum of the girl to whom OP is mum.

@flissypaps, no I was guessing, step mother to a 16 year old, hmmmm, unless dad likes a mature woman I am assuming Sandra is under 60! I was originally going to say under 50 but felt that under 60 was a better fit .

@DaffTheDoggo

I think Sandra is the mum of two girls to whom OP is step-mum, not the step-mum of the girl to whom OP is mum.

I think you are right. Still think there aren’t many under 60 Sandras to the square mile though.

Why are you letting the SM dictate?

Just take your daughter shopping and let her chose a dress she likes. No need for drama, don’t discuss with SM, just do it.

Take a photo of your daughter in the dress the SM bought and send it to her, then your daughter can change into the dress she wants to wear.

YADNBU!! It wasn't just about the dress, it was the whole experience too. She has massively over stepped. I'd be upset too. I'd still do what you had planned.

What does your daughter want? That’s the only relevant question here. It sounds like she is piggy in the middle. If she likes the dress then that should be that. Please try not to project your extreme over investment on her. I’ve been in her shoes and it’s an impossible amount of pressure

I went through exactly the same exact thing about 6 years ago, only I am the stepmom. I had planned on making it a family day. Me, my two stepdaughters who were going to Prom, the mom of the one, my mom in law and my aunt in law, ( my MIL's sis in law) and my daughter. Well guess what? After we planned to go all together, they all decided to go without me and my other stepdaughter. I only found out because my stepdaughter posted on social media. I was trying to be the lets all get alone type of stepmom...Nope. They all dropped me and my stepdaughter. I felt so bad, and then we didnt speak to my mom in law for over two months. The mom still hanging around with my MIl causing chaos whenever she wants.

To be honest, I think that you’re daughter may have done this on purpose because she didn’t want such a big deal made out of it. This seems more about you and what you want than what she wants. Why else would you make this big of a deal out of it? Plus you waited until prom was almost here to even do your dress shopping with her so what else did you really expect? You seem like a helicopter parent to me and that’s why I feel like you didn’t state how your daughter feels. You are being super unreasonable. As someone who’s parents didn’t even have money for her prom dress, I feel like you should just be glad she was able to get a dress. There are so many other things to be upset and this honestly isn’t something that should be upsetting you THIS much.