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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Prom Dress Shopping - Mum's Honour overstepped by Step Mum. AIBU??

341 replies

SADMA · 22/03/2022 16:18

As I write this, I am devastated.

My daughter, my only child, is having her prom this summer. An experience I've looked forward to for a long time. Special days out we had planned for the Easter holidays, having researched and researched colours, styles, hair to match and looking forward to the magical day shopping with my girl, seeing her try on her first formal gowns, have the emotional rite of passage together.

Not now :-( Her step-Mum, who is a tyrant with her 99.9% of the time, has only gone and done it with her, in an appointment lasting little over an hour, buying a dress on sale from the 2019 sale collection which only fits the colour remit and taken what should have been our magical experience and memories made to last a lifetime. Step Mum has her own children to do this with when the time comes.

AIBU to feel she's overstepped the mark?

AIBU to believe it's Mum's honour to prepare her daughter for prom?

AIBU considering I had no issue that Step Mum wanted to book her tan and nails, and reserve the jewel of the crown for just me and my daughter to do together?

Can't help but feel so upset. That first moment can never happen once it's happened..... the first glimpse and to see her face trying dream dresses on. The one moment that can't be recreated let alone replicated now the dress has been bought.

If we go again to try dresses and she finds something she likes better ( chances are she probably would bearing in mind the dress bought doesn't fit) and buy it, world war will commence with my daughter in the middle of it. I always bend for the sake of peace, but this is something else..........The one time in 16 years I don't feel I can let it slide.

AIBU???????

OP posts:
balalake · 22/03/2022 16:36

I think you have lost all perspective. It's an awful American tradition, and to be honest I'd be happier for no proms to take place this year and charitable donations to help those fleeing or in Ukraine would be much better.

hangrylady · 22/03/2022 16:36

Like others I think you are overthinking how special prom is (if you're in the UK anyway). However, the step mum has massively overstepped and sounds like a complete cow so for that you are not being unreasonable.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/03/2022 16:36

Did you daughter not want to go with her step mum? Did she not like the dress? Was she forced to attend and choose a horrible dress?

She might have been relieved to get it all done and dusted in a mere hour and avoided the huge overblown wedding-like emotional extravaganza you’d have made of it.

TheNoodlesIncident · 22/03/2022 16:40

Why don't you speak to your DD and see what she thinks? Maybe she would have preferred something different from what actually occurred, but didn't see how to say so to her stepmum without offending her? She might have wanted to go dress shopping with a friend or two instead, or with you?

If you speak to her you may find she would rather try again with the dress, since the first one doesn't fit her, and you can arrange the day you want.

(I would point out carefully that my mum rode roughshod over what I wanted for my wedding dress, because she wanted the arrangement she wanted and never asked my opinion at all. I am trying not to feel resentment over it but when I think of it, it is with annoyance that I didn't get to do what I wanted for MY wedding. Don't be that mum...)

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 22/03/2022 16:43

It's a prom, not her wedding.

Regularsizedrudy · 22/03/2022 16:45

What does your daughter want to do? Does she like the dress? If not go with her to buy a different one. It’s just a prom.

GooglyEyeballs · 22/03/2022 16:47

'Mums honour'? Hmm

I appreciate why you're upset but that's a bit dramatic. Why'd your daughter go along with it?

Tillymintpolo · 22/03/2022 16:47

What a load of over dramatic nonsense, take her yourself and get a new dress, get a refund on the other

ChrissyPlummer · 22/03/2022 16:47

Christ. I’m glad in my day it was just a disco in the hall. You sound very over-dramatic.

RampantIvy · 22/03/2022 16:48

As a veteran of a year 11 and year 13 prom I can't help but feel baffled at how much you are over invested in this.

I found the idea of prom dress shopping a chore. DD hated the idea of having a long "fairy princess/bridesmaid" syle dress, so she and I did some online window shopping, and she chose a £65 knee length dress from Debenhams.

She was luckier with her year 13 prom dress and just happened to find a Lipsy dress in the January sales while she was in Next. It was £32.

What does your DD think of the dress her stepmum bought?

DefiniteTortoise · 22/03/2022 16:48

OK, I can't empathise at all re prom. However it does sound like you were looking forward to doing something with your daughter and now that experience has been effectively stolen from you. I'd be a bit gutted too I think.

speakout · 22/03/2022 16:48

Speak to your DD.
Did she feel railroaded?
Does she love the dress?
If she felt she was pressured and is not keen on the dress then take her to buy another.

Rainraingoaway21 · 22/03/2022 16:49

It's irrelevant that some posters think that prom is all 'American ridiculousness' , they have gotten more of a thing over here whether you like it or not, teenagers have had a rubbish few years and I think it's great they have something special to look forward to.

My dd's grandma even wanted to come with us to see her try the dresses on, I too would have been really upset if someone else had stepped in and taken away that experience. It was lovely. I do find it a little odd OP that your dd didn't say to her SM thanks anyway but I have plans to go with my mum, is she worried about speaking up to her? If so that's a separate issue in itself.

Easter is not too late to shop for dresses at all. That's exactly when we went, we had no problem finding one. I woukd ask your dd what she wants to do, if she'd still like to go with you then tell her that's fine, you will deal with SM. Where is her dad in all this? Maybe he needs to have a word with SM for dd's sake.

Hopefully you still get to go shopping OP

DragonOverTheMoon · 22/03/2022 16:49

I can understand how you feel with step mum taking her. So you are not BU to be upset.

But blimey why are you so hugely invested in prom dress shopping. I have a yr 11 dd. I haven't done anything bar pay for the prom and put myself down as a volunteer to help out on the night.

This is all really strange to me. It's not a wedding dress, it's a posh disco and I'd rather they went back to leaver discos instead.

Underfrighter · 22/03/2022 16:50

I think the stepmum has overstepped yes.

But I also think you need to gain some perspective here. It's a shopping trip, not a wedding or a holiday, it a graduation, you don't know it would have been a magical lifetime memory making experience for you. That's an insane amount of expectation to put on one outing. Could your daughter have felt any of this pressure?

Think about where you go from here. Does she like the dress? Is she happy? If not then help her explain to her step mum that on reflection it doesn't fit and isnt quite right and help her find another.

EishetChayil · 22/03/2022 16:51

Did your daughter know how much it meant to you?

sofakingcool · 22/03/2022 16:51

Ah what a shitty thing for her to do Sad

I would have been gutted too

Gizacluethen · 22/03/2022 16:51

Er fuck that? Stick the dress in a wardrobe, or give it back to SMum to return and continue with your plans.

Unless your daughter chose to do this with her Smum then respect her wishes.

EishetChayil · 22/03/2022 16:52

Also, when did "leavers' do" become "prom"? Bloody Americanisms!

Blogblogblogblog · 22/03/2022 16:53

It’s a dress.
Nails, ‘tan’ - my children had none of that.

I do understand you are upset. Listen to your Dd. If she likes the dress, fine. If not, get another one. It is what makes her happy and feel good.

She can always wear the first one to somewhere else.

Zoom101 · 22/03/2022 16:56

You lost me at ‘jewel of the crown’ 😳😂

RoyKentsChestHair · 22/03/2022 16:56

You sound a bit over invested and dramatic about it which is why I voted YABU.

I can get why you’d like to do this with her, but it seems a bit off to day that Step Mum can book - ie pay for! - the tan and nails etc but you want the honour of shopping for the dress. Either this is an occasion that’s all about you and DD and your big bonding moment of making memories, or it’s DDs prom and everyone can chip in and help her get ready for it.

If she doesn’t even like the dress then she should return it and look for a new one with you. Yes step mum might be offended, but this way you’re offended, so it’s swings and roundabouts really.

DragonOverTheMoon · 22/03/2022 16:56

Do you think your dd could have asked step mum to do this because of the insane amount of pressure she could have been feeling from you?

Original poster
SADMA · 22/03/2022 16:57

It is an honour - when I think about how she's weathered the storm of the pandemic and how hard she's worked to keep on top of her school work and be meeting all her target grades, the whole experience is to reward her for all the dedication she's had throughout, almost a transition from the tougher times to new beginnings. I am so proud of my daughter, beyond words. The other side pressure her to get all 9's and tell her she's a disappointment.
My daughter isn't happy with it - but on the other side, she can cope with it IF we don't go and do what we always had planned and she finds something better rather than being pushed towards a dress she's not overly keen on but will do.....

OP posts:
BobHadBitchTits · 22/03/2022 16:57

Does step mum need to know if you buy her a new dress she wears instead?

Send her dad a photo of her wearing the original dress, then change into the new one.

No one needs to know.

You get the moral high ground and the memories. No one falls out.