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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Prom Dress Shopping - Mum's Honour overstepped by Step Mum. AIBU??

341 replies

SADMA · 22/03/2022 16:18

As I write this, I am devastated.

My daughter, my only child, is having her prom this summer. An experience I've looked forward to for a long time. Special days out we had planned for the Easter holidays, having researched and researched colours, styles, hair to match and looking forward to the magical day shopping with my girl, seeing her try on her first formal gowns, have the emotional rite of passage together.

Not now :-( Her step-Mum, who is a tyrant with her 99.9% of the time, has only gone and done it with her, in an appointment lasting little over an hour, buying a dress on sale from the 2019 sale collection which only fits the colour remit and taken what should have been our magical experience and memories made to last a lifetime. Step Mum has her own children to do this with when the time comes.

AIBU to feel she's overstepped the mark?

AIBU to believe it's Mum's honour to prepare her daughter for prom?

AIBU considering I had no issue that Step Mum wanted to book her tan and nails, and reserve the jewel of the crown for just me and my daughter to do together?

Can't help but feel so upset. That first moment can never happen once it's happened..... the first glimpse and to see her face trying dream dresses on. The one moment that can't be recreated let alone replicated now the dress has been bought.

If we go again to try dresses and she finds something she likes better ( chances are she probably would bearing in mind the dress bought doesn't fit) and buy it, world war will commence with my daughter in the middle of it. I always bend for the sake of peace, but this is something else..........The one time in 16 years I don't feel I can let it slide.

AIBU???????

OP posts:
CailleachGranda · 23/03/2022 08:37

"All you haters"

GrinGrinGrin

Thatswhyimacat · 23/03/2022 08:44

Blimey, for my prom I wore a dress I already owned that I'd bought on sale from New Look for 13 quid and a necklace my nan got me for Christmas.

Anyway, people can only act like a tyrant if you let them. Your daughter is 16 and has your support - you can both tell this woman that she will back off and your plans will go ahead.

5128gap · 23/03/2022 08:48

Your dislike and resentment of your ex's wife is very apparant, and you may have cause for that. But its really obvious that you're using your relationship with your DD to score points against her, appear a better mother to your DD than she is to hers, with a better relationship, best mates with the girls, and so on. This is not good for your relationship with your DD, which you should be enjoying in its own right, doing things for your DDs benefit, not as a performance to show her step mum that you're better than her. I know that will annoy you, but honestly, the pressure to perform is a huge distraction from just 'being in the moment' with your DD.

Evoll671 · 23/03/2022 08:58

Yes you're being v v dramatic, but your daughter is 16 and should be able to tell her SM she was planning on going shopping eith you. If she cant get hold of the dress to go accessory shopping or it doesn't fit anyway then just buy another dress.
And sod any fallout, she doesn't even have to spend much/any time with them if doesn't want to.

AssignedBlobbyAtBirth · 23/03/2022 09:03

If you told your daughter you wanted to go shopping with her in the same, overly dramatic, way in which you write she probably didn't have a clue what you were on about
If your DD is not happy get out and buy new stuff together. SM can't force her to wear the dress she bought

FAQs · 23/03/2022 09:06

@SADMA of course you’re not being unreasonable, I’d be angry as well!

pinkyredrose · 23/03/2022 09:07

But as my mum taught me to only value the opinions of people that add value, thank you for your time

In other words only listen to people who agree with you.

yellowsuninthesky · 23/03/2022 09:12

Yes it's a big deal to me, I want my daughter to be happy, for us to enjoy the experience and make memories

There is no such thing as "making memories". And it's not about what your dd wants, it's about what you want, which is to get one up on the step-mum (who is no better trying to get one up on you). Why don't you both grow up and call a truce?

Babyboomtastic · 23/03/2022 09:21

If this is all it takes for you to be devastated in like, then you should count yourself very very lucky.

Its a school disco. No need for so much drama

lljkk · 23/03/2022 11:38

Ummm.. all I can say is you should agree with your DD about wedding dress shopping plans now. I can't wait for the (next instalment thread) fireworks on that one.

Just out of interest.. what would you have done if the DD refused to attend prom?

Nomoreusernames1244 · 23/03/2022 12:15

Sounds like you need medical help to me OP. You seem to have lost the plot

Yep. What is there’s another outbreak of covid, and it’s cancelled, like it was for many of our children.

O/p will never get over it. Life will be ruined. Missing out on all that honour, the years of dreams, the crown jewels.

I think you need to adjust your thinking o/p.

Even weddings aren’t as big a deal as you’re making this out to be. I’m laying odds now your dd will do a gretna/vegas to avoid the mother of the bride drama…

LizzoBennett · 23/03/2022 12:24

Are you in the US? Proms really aren't as big a deal in the UK for most and I think you're being a bit OTT. I didn't even buy my prom dress, I just used one of my mum's fancy evening dresses!

LittleOwl153 · 23/03/2022 12:25

I get where you are coming from. My dd and I have that kind of relationship. (Although thankfully no step mother Involved!)

I think I would give your daughter the option of continuing as you had planned and you simply letting step mum or indeed Ex know that you have sorted dress etc and all he needs to do is Y... and expect Y not to be done. Don't let this woman stamp all over your daughters plans if he dad isn't careful she will simply disown him if he doesn't stick up for her (been there...) and she's old enough to do so!

hangrylady · 23/03/2022 12:37

Thing is OP you don't 'make memories' they just happen. Like the time the seagull shat on my dads fish and chips or when my mum inadvertently walked round town in see through trousers. Memories can't be forced. You talk like a Disney film.

RampantIvy · 23/03/2022 12:38

Are you in the US? Proms really aren't as big a deal in the UK for most

You don't have older teenagers do you? Or know anyone with older teenagers @LizzoBennett.

You are behind the times. I can assure you that school leaver proms are indeed a "thing" for years 11 and 13, and have been for some time. My 29 year old niece had a year 11 prom 13 years ago.

GretaGip · 23/03/2022 12:43

I think you need to dial down on the schmaltz.

You need to help DD dial up the assertiveness and self advocacy.

Fedupsotired · 23/03/2022 12:45

@LizzoBennett definitely a big thing now!! How old are you? I think in the last few years they have really ramped up. It's madness 🙄

Nomoreusernames1244 · 23/03/2022 12:53

definitely a big thing now!! How old are you? I think in the last few years they have really ramped up. It's madness 🙄

I do think it depends on the school and the peer/friendship groups. If friends are going all out limo’s and cinderella dresses, they’re going to want to as well, or be pressured to share in the costs so they can go as a group.

If their friends aren’t bothered or it’s a school where the demographic means parents can’t or won’t spend on limos, or fake tans aren’t a thing, then it’s going to be much less of a deal.

RoseGoldEagle · 23/03/2022 12:54

SM massively overstepped the line and sounds awful from your description. You are obviously getting a hard time for being incredibly invested in dress shopping, but that aside, it was a horrible thing for SM to do.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 23/03/2022 12:56

SM massively overstepped the line and sounds awful from your description. You are obviously getting a hard time for being incredibly invested in dress shopping, but that aside, it was a horrible thing for SM to do

Key point being from your description.

How do we know the dd isn’t fed up of all her mums overinvestment in prom and how evil the stepmum is, and asked the stepmum to just take her and get it done.

After all, she’s 16, it wouldn’t have been too hard to just not go, or come up with an excuse to not buy the dress.

Tidlo · 23/03/2022 12:58

Dear god the drama. What utter self absorption! I would bet my house on your daughter needing therapy because of you

Calennig · 23/03/2022 13:04

My daughter is invested, as most are in her year, hence wanting to make it so special. She's asked SM if we can pick up her dress at the weekend for shoes, bag, accessories, and met with a no, it's "our dress"......one of the pitfalls I wanted to avoid for her. Already has accessories sorted? But my daughter has no choice in that? Will the shoes even fit?

I have had some of this kind of behavior from MIL over the years - my advise ignore it all and don't play along - either DD packs dress when she over and bring back with her with no comments or just ignore it entirely - get her a dress as planned or just accessories with DD ( as pursuably she knows what the dress looks like) and make sure she's with you on the night to avoid futher drama.

If you don't play they have no power.

Honestly it probably also better to have a back up dress anyway (- and it's possible DD find one she like more)- as people who play these kind of games can be very unreliable. It will also model how to deal with such people to your DD as they no saying this person won't be in her life for many years.

incognitoforthisone · 23/03/2022 13:04

@SADMA

I'm a stepmum too to to 2 beautiful girls and wouldn't dream of taking them, etiquette is Mum's role and I wouldn't dream of stepping on Sandras toes.

My daughter is invested, as most are in her year, hence wanting to make it so special. She's asked SM if we can pick up her dress at the weekend for shoes, bag, accessories, and met with a no, it's "our dress"......one of the pitfalls I wanted to avoid for her. Already has accessories sorted? But my daughter has no choice in that? Will the shoes even fit?

If this is a precursor of the future I can imagine a wedding abroad as SM is frightened of flying and has only been as far as France through the euro tunnel...however there's time yet, afterall DH is husband number 3 and the last one still pays the mortgage.....

Yes it's a big deal to me, I want my daughter to be happy, for us to enjoy the experience and make memories. It's what we do. Girly holidays, mini breaks with school friends, half of her friends live here at weekends and aren't welcome at SMs, quality time together and habits of our lifetime doing things together.

Maybe that's it??? There is very little relationship between them, and her own children spend more time with her parents or their own Dads ( 2 girls, 2 dads and a boy with my daughters dad) than at home.

Maybe she won't be having that with her own?🤔

My daughter didn't want to go but SM rules the roost. Dad is dependent. It's not easy all you haters...

But as my mum taught me to only value the opinions of people that add value, thank you for your time 😊

It's not really about the dress at all, then, is it? It's about the fact that you hate your daughter's stepmum.

I mean, that's fine, if she's as awful as you suggest then I can see why you can't stand her. But you're making this all about a prom dress when what it's actually about is something much bigger.

Your daughter's 16. She doesn't even have to go their house if she doesn't want to. Why are you putting up with your daughter being treated like this? Why is she putting up with it herself? It's all very well saying 'Oh, she rules the roost so nobody has any choice', but that's simply not true, is it? You do have a choice. She's ruling the roost because you're letting her do that. If your daughter is literally so scared of her own stepmother that she can't say 'Sorry, SM, nice of you to offer but Mum and I have already made plans for shopping' then there is a serious problem here that needs resolving and is absolutely nothing to do with bloody dresses.

luckylavender · 23/03/2022 13:06

I get you're upset but it's another nasty import at the end of the day

Calennig · 23/03/2022 13:08

Your daughter's 16. She doesn't even have to go their house if she doesn't want to.

I have to admit at 16 I did wonder why this was an issue - as if DD gets steam rolled by SM as OP says why does she put up with it - my 16 year old wouldn't even if she did go shopping to keep the peace no one tells her what to wear.