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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Prom Dress Shopping - Mum's Honour overstepped by Step Mum. AIBU??

341 replies

SADMA · 22/03/2022 16:18

As I write this, I am devastated.

My daughter, my only child, is having her prom this summer. An experience I've looked forward to for a long time. Special days out we had planned for the Easter holidays, having researched and researched colours, styles, hair to match and looking forward to the magical day shopping with my girl, seeing her try on her first formal gowns, have the emotional rite of passage together.

Not now :-( Her step-Mum, who is a tyrant with her 99.9% of the time, has only gone and done it with her, in an appointment lasting little over an hour, buying a dress on sale from the 2019 sale collection which only fits the colour remit and taken what should have been our magical experience and memories made to last a lifetime. Step Mum has her own children to do this with when the time comes.

AIBU to feel she's overstepped the mark?

AIBU to believe it's Mum's honour to prepare her daughter for prom?

AIBU considering I had no issue that Step Mum wanted to book her tan and nails, and reserve the jewel of the crown for just me and my daughter to do together?

Can't help but feel so upset. That first moment can never happen once it's happened..... the first glimpse and to see her face trying dream dresses on. The one moment that can't be recreated let alone replicated now the dress has been bought.

If we go again to try dresses and she finds something she likes better ( chances are she probably would bearing in mind the dress bought doesn't fit) and buy it, world war will commence with my daughter in the middle of it. I always bend for the sake of peace, but this is something else..........The one time in 16 years I don't feel I can let it slide.

AIBU???????

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 23/03/2022 04:54

OP, you are being pretty unreasonable with people on here. You asked for opinions, people gave them, and now you're calling anyone who doesn't agree with you a "hater". Why ask for opinions if you're not going to listen to them?

If I were in yours shoes I'd probably feel a bit miffed, but I wouldn't be devastated. Also, why can't you take your dd shopping for a prom dress? She doesn't have to wear the one her step-up bought.

timeisnotaline · 23/03/2022 05:04

I think it would be good for her to practice boundaries. So if she messages stepmum ‘that’s ok, I want to choose shoes and jewellery on the weekend and that dress is a bit big/small (unless this last bit is a very sensitive topic) so will get another dress with mum’.
At 16 remind her she doesn’t have to go stay there if stepMum will be awful to her.

FlissyPaps · 23/03/2022 05:13

I may sound harsh, but, it’s not about the prom is it? It’s about the SM and your hatred for her.

She's asked SM if we can pick up her dress at the weekend for shoes, bag, accessories, and met with a no, it's "our dress"......one of the pitfalls I wanted to avoid for her. Already has accessories sorted? But my daughter has no choice in that? Will the shoes even fit?

No. Your daughter does have a choice. She doesn’t have to wear anything she doesn’t want to. Don’t complicate things. TELL you daughter and her SM this is your daughters day, she should be able to choose her own dress and accessories (within budget).

If this is a precursor of the future I can imagine a wedding abroad as SM is frightened of flying and has only been as far as France through the euro tunnel...however there's time yet, afterall DH is husband number 3 and the last one still pays the mortgage.....

Your DD is 16 years old. No point stressing about a wedding what might not even happen. Not everyone gets married.

Yes it's a big deal to me, I want my daughter to be happy, for us to enjoy the experience and make memories

Nail on the head here, you want your DD to be HAPPY. Then calm down and just ASK her what she wants. Literally F*CK Evil SM Sandra at this point. Are you scared of Sandra? What if Sandra took your DD to the other side of the world and told her she had no choice. Would you allow that to happen? You’re her MOTHER FFS.

My daughter didn't want to go but SM rules the roost. Dad is dependent. It's not easy all you haters...

Ask her if she still wants to go. She doesn’t have to. What’s SM going to do if DD doesn’t want to go? Drag her there? Because if she is that unhinged I’d be phoning childline.

But as my mum taught me to only value the opinions of people that add value, thank you for your time 😊

Were you expecting a 100% result of ‘YANBU’? Don’t ask for advice if you can’t take it. What were you wanting to hear from us all exactly?

ApolloandDaphne · 23/03/2022 05:15

Surely you can take her and buy a dress and all the accessories and she wears that dress and not SM's one? Where is she leaving from to go the the prom?

ReachersDaughter · 23/03/2022 05:24

I don’t get this at all, it’s just a school disco, it’s just a dress. Comparing it to a wedding is 🤯.

A 16 year old can do what they like. Mine went shopping with a friend, I hadn’t given it a second thought, either before or afterwards apart from making a bank transfer (£30 in the monsoon sale) to pay for it.

YABU and a drama llama.

Selttan · 23/03/2022 05:35

It sounds like your daughter has been railroaded by her SM and not really keen on the dress.

What's stopping you from now going and having your day with your daughter and getting another dress and she wears that?

Your daughter is old enough to stand up and say to her SM this is not what she wants.

Fedupsotired · 23/03/2022 06:09

Just go and get your own dress! Is she with you the day of the prom? She can then wear what she wants.

I'll probably shock you by saying we hired a dress! It's beautiful and I enjoyed the experience but I think you need to get over the emotion. It sounds like you have real issues with SM and they've come out over this. Can you speak to dad about it?

Philisophigal · 23/03/2022 06:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Fairisleflora · 23/03/2022 06:35

Sounds like you need medical help to me OP. You seem to have lost the plot.

Sushi7 · 23/03/2022 06:47

@SADMA your Dd is going to a meal and a dance, not her own wedding. Very dramatic to be overly emotionally invested (ie dreaming of this for years). Your Dd is 16yo, not 6, and could’ve said no to going shopping with step mum. If Dd doesn’t like the dress then buy her a new one and tell step mum to return the one she bought. I’m only in my mid 20s so prom wasn’t too long ago. Most of us just bought a dress on our own (not a bridal shop and mum just paid), some pretty heels and accessories. Some went ott with a £££ coloured bridal dress, deep fake tan and crazy makeup from the Mac counter that didn't suit them. It’s very Americanised now.

Soontobe60 · 23/03/2022 06:58

@SADMA

I'm a stepmum too to to 2 beautiful girls and wouldn't dream of taking them, etiquette is Mum's role and I wouldn't dream of stepping on Sandras toes.

My daughter is invested, as most are in her year, hence wanting to make it so special. She's asked SM if we can pick up her dress at the weekend for shoes, bag, accessories, and met with a no, it's "our dress"......one of the pitfalls I wanted to avoid for her. Already has accessories sorted? But my daughter has no choice in that? Will the shoes even fit?

If this is a precursor of the future I can imagine a wedding abroad as SM is frightened of flying and has only been as far as France through the euro tunnel...however there's time yet, afterall DH is husband number 3 and the last one still pays the mortgage.....

Yes it's a big deal to me, I want my daughter to be happy, for us to enjoy the experience and make memories. It's what we do. Girly holidays, mini breaks with school friends, half of her friends live here at weekends and aren't welcome at SMs, quality time together and habits of our lifetime doing things together.

Maybe that's it??? There is very little relationship between them, and her own children spend more time with her parents or their own Dads ( 2 girls, 2 dads and a boy with my daughters dad) than at home.

Maybe she won't be having that with her own?🤔

My daughter didn't want to go but SM rules the roost. Dad is dependent. It's not easy all you haters...

But as my mum taught me to only value the opinions of people that add value, thank you for your time 😊

Maybe you’re just jealous of the stepmum - you certainly sound it!
EishetChayil · 23/03/2022 07:04

If this is a precursor of the future I can imagine a wedding abroad as SM is frightened of flying and has only been as far as France through the euro tunnel...however there's time yet, afterall DH is husband number 3 and the last one still pays the mortgage.....

This is such a weird thing to even be thinking about. You are extremely over-invested in your daughter's life.

SD1978 · 23/03/2022 07:09

I understand your disappointed, but you're utterly over reacting- unless American, proms have not been a British thing for very long, and the level of importance you've built this up to in your head seems vastly over reactionary and mainly about what you've missed. Does she like the dress? You've still got a wedding potentially in the future which would be more important to me regarding dresses than an imported American event that didn't exist not that long ago.

londonrach · 23/03/2022 07:32

Sounds like this is more for you than your daughter. What did your daughter want. I thought most went with their friends to choose the dress

RealRaymondReddington · 23/03/2022 07:41

I went with friends to get mine years ago and lots of teens now choose them online. This really isn't a big deal. If you want to celebrate ending secondary school (which is all this is), just book a posh restaurant and take her out to buy an outfit for that.

NaomhPadraigin · 23/03/2022 07:51

You need to show your daughter how to stand up to bullies, by YOU standing up to the SM and saying "no, that dress doesn't suit. Bring it back and get your money back. DD and I will go shopping and pick a dress"

ImInStealthMode · 23/03/2022 08:01

StepMum IBU for muscling in and treading on your toes.

YABU for being so over-dramatically invested in a prom. I'm getting married this year and if my Mum was carrying on like that about her role in my Wedding I'd be horrified.

Your DD IBU for either not piping up that she'd already arranged to do all this with Mum and going along with SM in the first place, or for leading you on that's she's more invested than she is when she doesn't actually care all that much.

In brief, you're all being unreasonable.

Confused though; in your OP you say 'the one time in 16 years I can't let it slide' as if SM has been around muscling in all of your Daughter's life? But in another post you allude that her own Daughters are younger, and not your Ex's, so she can't have been?

Octomore · 23/03/2022 08:05

@NaomhPadraigin

You need to show your daughter how to stand up to bullies, by YOU standing up to the SM and saying "no, that dress doesn't suit. Bring it back and get your money back. DD and I will go shopping and pick a dress"
And what if the Dd likes the dress?

She's 16, she's allowed her own opinion and tastes. And she chose to go with the step mum and buy the dress.

Brefugee · 23/03/2022 08:08

OP i get it you're upset. But take a step back. It's a prom dress (when did that turn into a huge thing in the UK? or are you somewhere else?)

Where is her dad in all this?

And such melodrama already about a wedding abroad. Does your daughter want a wedding abroad? what is that all about?

If your daughter wants accessories, take her and get some. And if SM wants to do it too? Why not ask your DD what she wants in all this?

JenniferWooley · 23/03/2022 08:09

My mum wasn't this invested in my wedding dress - we had a nice day out, lunch, champagne & I got a dress & I've no doubt she'd have been miffed if I'd went with my step mum instead but you sound a bit of a drama llama & if my mum behaved like that she'd be left at home!

For DD1's prom we had a day out shopping, lunch etc but I was under no illusions as to why I was there & it had a lot more to do with my purse than my honour.

CheesusWept · 23/03/2022 08:16

Absolutely batshit.

inappropriateraspberry · 23/03/2022 08:16

I think you are far too invested in all this prom stuff and are mixing it up with your feelings about the stepmum.
However, there is nothing stopping you and your daughter from going dress shopping and choosing a new one.

ATeddybearshortofaPicnic · 23/03/2022 08:18

So Sm has already been told that the dress she’s chosen doesn’t suit? Stop feeding the drama lama. Take your daughter dress shopping. Don’t tell SM. Make sure on prom day she leaves from your house in the dress she’s chosen. Let SM find out about the different dress from the photos. Let WW3 happen afterwards when it’s done and exams are done and the damage will be limited to DD staying at yours more until SM calms down and gets over it.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 23/03/2022 08:30

I can understand you are disappointed. You are more invested in it than average. But you are allowed to invest your energies where you like. You are not unreasonable to be disappointed and annoyed. Not at all. This does not have to become a huge drama though.

Just do as you had planned at Easter. Take your DD shopping. See if she finds a dress she likes better. Shop for shoes, jewellery, whatever else she and you like. It’s useful to have the dress. But not essential.

Have a nice lunch out. Treat her to a lovely perfume that she might always associate with this special time with you.

It may turn out that your DD is glad to have the dress her SM has bought, given I do think, I have to say, that dress shopping at Easter is leaving it very late. 2 years ago when DD2 was shopping for her prom dress we bought it in February and that was considered late (it was all irrelevant of course and is still unworn, but there you go). So it’s possible SM’s dress will prove to be useful. But you don’t need to do anything about it. Just accept there is a dress that’s been bought. Do your own thing with your daughter. You can’t control other people. You can only control your reaction to them. Sail serenely on. Enjoy the lovely bond you have with your DD.

MissMaple82 · 23/03/2022 08:32

I'd be livid. She abso-fucking-lutely over stepped the mark and I'd be telling her so too. Take your daughter dress shopping as planned. It's her idiotic problem to deal with returns.