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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Prom Dress Shopping - Mum's Honour overstepped by Step Mum. AIBU??

341 replies

SADMA · 22/03/2022 16:18

As I write this, I am devastated.

My daughter, my only child, is having her prom this summer. An experience I've looked forward to for a long time. Special days out we had planned for the Easter holidays, having researched and researched colours, styles, hair to match and looking forward to the magical day shopping with my girl, seeing her try on her first formal gowns, have the emotional rite of passage together.

Not now :-( Her step-Mum, who is a tyrant with her 99.9% of the time, has only gone and done it with her, in an appointment lasting little over an hour, buying a dress on sale from the 2019 sale collection which only fits the colour remit and taken what should have been our magical experience and memories made to last a lifetime. Step Mum has her own children to do this with when the time comes.

AIBU to feel she's overstepped the mark?

AIBU to believe it's Mum's honour to prepare her daughter for prom?

AIBU considering I had no issue that Step Mum wanted to book her tan and nails, and reserve the jewel of the crown for just me and my daughter to do together?

Can't help but feel so upset. That first moment can never happen once it's happened..... the first glimpse and to see her face trying dream dresses on. The one moment that can't be recreated let alone replicated now the dress has been bought.

If we go again to try dresses and she finds something she likes better ( chances are she probably would bearing in mind the dress bought doesn't fit) and buy it, world war will commence with my daughter in the middle of it. I always bend for the sake of peace, but this is something else..........The one time in 16 years I don't feel I can let it slide.

AIBU???????

OP posts:
RedScarfJamjar · 23/03/2022 13:08

Did you once scream at a Michaelangelo by any chance OP?

lljkk · 23/03/2022 13:09

This thread is very dull if OP doesn't come back to fight her case

Xmassprout · 23/03/2022 13:12

Your poor girl sounds like she's stuck in the middle of a tug of war between 2 women that are only looking out for their own best interests.

FlissyPaps · 23/03/2022 13:18

@SADMA - has SM always been like this? Has there been other instances when she “rules the roost” and you nor your DD have been allowed to have any input?

I’m really intrigued because this has got to be so much more than just dress shopping …
I wouldn’t let my DC’s step parent tell them what they can and can’t wear to their own prom.

SpaghettiNotCourgetti · 23/03/2022 13:19

I have never been happier that my mum had no interest whatsoever in what I wore to my school leavers' do 😂 I would have died a thousand times over if she'd been this emotionally invested in my (Next; £45) dress!

OOOOMom63 · 23/03/2022 14:42

You are not in the wrong!! You have one child and of course you deserve the right to go prom, wedding or any other first time events shopping. Step-mom is in the wrong here and she knows it. Why your daughter didn't speak up is beyond me???? Now make sure you tell your daughter that you would like the day of the prom to be special moment between you two and any friends she would like to have along. Make the appointments to have her hair and nails done and maybe yours too. Step-mom can cancel her plans. Make sure you tell step-mom you have made plans for this and that it is a moment you and your daughter want to share. If this is your daughters wish too.

JL2Red · 23/03/2022 15:01

Wow- this is a bit dramatic for a prom dress. I'm not sure why your 16-year old daughter didn't speak up. Did you actually tell either your daughter or the step mum that you were planning to take her? If not, sounds like you could have communicated that more clearly to avoid this (though I also agree step mum could have mentioned this as well, though I don't know your relationship with her). Either way- sounds like a high miscommunication.

On another note, this may be an unpopular opinion, but it sounds like you are actually really blessed to have a step mum in your daughter's life that cares! Sounds like maybe assuming good intent could go a long way, here.

KittensTeaAndCake · 23/03/2022 15:19

It's not really about the dress at all, then, is it? It's about the fact that you hate your daughter's stepmum.

Exactly this. Jealousy is not a good look, OP.

Darkstar4855 · 23/03/2022 15:22

Why are you letting SM rule the roost here? If your daughter isn’t happy then it’s your job to advocate for her. Tell SM to return the dress and take her shopping yourself.

notanothertakeaway · 23/03/2022 15:26

I want my daughter to be happy, for us to enjoy the experience and make memories. It's what we do. Girly holidays, mini breaks with school friends, half of her friends live here at weekends and aren't welcome at SMs, quality time together and habits of our lifetime doing things together

In that case, your DD will have lots of happy memories to look back on. I think SM overstepped the mark, but I'd be careful of escalating this

CornishGem1975 · 23/03/2022 15:28

I am a SM and I would never take my SD prom dressing shopping. It's not my place to do so.

LemonMuffins · 23/03/2022 15:34

Just take her shopping yourself and choose something together. Then let stepmum know other dress can be returned as not needed. No need for any of this angst.

TheHoptimist · 23/03/2022 15:42

This must be a total wind up.

Back in the real world.

Its a 3 hour party in a school hall.
Most serious students avoid it.

WiddlinDiddling · 23/03/2022 16:01

By the OP's dramatic reactions, I am seriously starting to wonder if the daughter actually prefers SM, prefers the dress she got her, and it is actually the OP she doesn't want to stand up to and say 'back off Mum, you're too much'.

But of course that opinion won't add value because the OP won't agree with it.

As I said before. Poor kid.

LynetteScavo · 23/03/2022 16:35

@TheHoptimist

This must be a total wind up.

Back in the real world.

Its a 3 hour party in a school hall.
Most serious students avoid it.

I don't know any proms that are held in the school hall - around here they are all in hotels. Serious students do not avoid them, lol.
TheHoptimist · 23/03/2022 17:16

I don't know any proms that are held in the school hall - around here they are all in hotels. Serious students do not avoid them, lol.

Must be a very different type of school
Here they are all in the school halls.
The after parties are bigger than the event.
The cool kids and the Oxbridge crowd certainly do not go.

SmellyWellyWoo · 23/03/2022 17:28

You and the step mum both sound bonkers. There's something strange about the way your posts are written, I can't put my finger on it.

Maybe ask someone else to speak to your DD and ask her honestly what she really wants, without fear of upsetting you or her SM who are both bizarrely over invested in this.

Ipro55 · 23/03/2022 18:04

First off, you seem way more invested in this situation than what is called for. Dramatic much? Most teenagers go dress shopping with their friends and only bring mom along later to pay for it. Second, your daughter is 16. She can say no, which she obviously did not. Should her stepmother have called you and checked to see if you already had plans to if you wanted to come along on the shopping expedition? Probably, if she wanted to keep the peace. Although she may not have thought anything of it since waiting until Easter seems like waiting to the last minute to start going dress shopping. She may have felt she was doing you a favor by taking her dress shopping when you obviously had no time to do it before then.

Regardless, your daughter chose to go with her stepmother and choose a dress. Now it is unfortunate that the dress does not fit. But this now gives you the opportunity to take your daughter back and get her the dress she chose in a size that will actually fit. She obviously chose to go with her stepmother and she chose the dress she wanted to wear. This is not an opportunity for you to buy her a whole new dress of your choosing. Keep in mind, this is about her, not you. This is not an opportunity for you to buy her a whole new dress of your choosing. She's already chosen her dress. Respect her choices. Respect her decisions and there is no need for a war where she will be stuck in the middle. You seem overly invested in your daughter's prom and the dress she will wear. Have you thought of that? Maybe your over exuberant enthusiasm over HER promo caused her to feel that her thoughts on dress, color, style, etc were not being heard. Perhaps that is the reason why your daughter felt the need to go with her stepmother where maybe HER thoughts were the ones being heard.

Remember, this isn't a do-over promo for you. This is her prom, not yours. If you want to avoid a war, respect the choices she's made and the relationship she obviously has with her stepmother. It's only a war if you make it one. Besides, she's 16, it's what? Her Junior Prom? She still has Senior Prom to look forward to as well as her wedding. Plenty of future opportunities for you to go dress shopping with her.

OhThatChicken · 23/03/2022 18:07

I really was totally convinced this was a reverse to start with. And now I'm just terrified at what proms will bring when my DC is old enough.

Tillymintpolo · 23/03/2022 18:13

At my school we had a mother who completely kicked off that prom was cancelled as she had spent a fortune, wanted school to compensate her - it was 2020 and the height of lockdown

RealityTV · 23/03/2022 18:24

Mom, what is really going on here? Your daughter is 16 years old. The prom is an event, but your daughter is going to have a lifetime of events. It is a prom - nothing more and nothing less! It seems you are equating her finding a dress with her stepmom to some commentary on you as a mother. The evidence of that is I guarantee you that you wouldn't feel this way if she had found a dress with one of her friends and purchased it without you.

Mom, no one can replace you! Your daughter loves you. Your ex may have found someone new in his life, but your daughter's love isn't tied to a dress or a party or an event - it is tied to YOU! Don't draw this arbitrary, ridiculous lines in the sand for your child. She is the only one who suffers. Instead, show her what strength and grace look like. This isn't a big issue. CLEARLY your daughter wanted to get her dress as soon as she could and she went with her stepmother because she WANTED to! Kids like to get things done! That isn't a commentary on her relationship with you. She just didn't want to wait.

DO NOT MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS! This is YOUR DAUGHTER'S prom! As long as she has what she wants, that's all that matters! Celebrate her and how she is growing up and move on. Don't dwell on this and don't make this something you continually revisit in your mind. When an ex moves on and a new woman comes into your child's life, it is natural to feel defensive. However, please remember that your daughter isn't a pawn or a toy. She is a human being with feelings. It is OK for her to get a prom dress with her stepmom and you will be fine, AS LONG AS YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE FINE! If you make this event bigger than it should be, you will make yourself AND your daughter miserable.

Your daughter loves you and you love her. Make EVERY DAY about that - not about events! Make your mother daughter bond something that your daughter holds close to her heart because she knows how much she means to you! Don't waste time on petty nonsense. Your daughter will reach a point where she doesn't even remember her prom, but she will always remember how you treated her and how you loved her! Focus on THAT! Her stepmother isn't your competition! Remember that!

CornishGem1975 · 23/03/2022 19:27

@TheHoptimist The "cool kids" and the Oxbridge crowds are two very very very separate groups at our school. Nobody would call the Oxbridge kids they cool ones Hmm

Our prom is a massive event off-site, it's a big deal and everyone goes.

5128gap · 23/03/2022 19:36

[quote CornishGem1975]@TheHoptimist The "cool kids" and the Oxbridge crowds are two very very very separate groups at our school. Nobody would call the Oxbridge kids they cool ones Hmm

Our prom is a massive event off-site, it's a big deal and everyone goes. [/quote]
They were two very very separate groups at my DC school too. Interestingly though, both groups were poorly represented at prom. The Oxbridge group didn't do socialising outside of the debating society/school orchestra, and the cool kids were out on the town with their fake IDs. Going back a few years though, so could be different now.

RampantIvy · 23/03/2022 19:37

The proms at DD's school were always held in hotels, never in school. It doesn't have the same atmosphere having it at school. Most pupils went, and not all the girls did the fake tan, fake nails, overdone make up etc.

TheHoptimist · 23/03/2022 20:59

[quote CornishGem1975]@TheHoptimist The "cool kids" and the Oxbridge crowds are two very very very separate groups at our school. Nobody would call the Oxbridge kids they cool ones Hmm

Our prom is a massive event off-site, it's a big deal and everyone goes. [/quote]
Which is exactly what I said- 2 very different groups- neither does Prom.