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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Prom Dress Shopping - Mum's Honour overstepped by Step Mum. AIBU??

341 replies

SADMA · 22/03/2022 16:18

As I write this, I am devastated.

My daughter, my only child, is having her prom this summer. An experience I've looked forward to for a long time. Special days out we had planned for the Easter holidays, having researched and researched colours, styles, hair to match and looking forward to the magical day shopping with my girl, seeing her try on her first formal gowns, have the emotional rite of passage together.

Not now :-( Her step-Mum, who is a tyrant with her 99.9% of the time, has only gone and done it with her, in an appointment lasting little over an hour, buying a dress on sale from the 2019 sale collection which only fits the colour remit and taken what should have been our magical experience and memories made to last a lifetime. Step Mum has her own children to do this with when the time comes.

AIBU to feel she's overstepped the mark?

AIBU to believe it's Mum's honour to prepare her daughter for prom?

AIBU considering I had no issue that Step Mum wanted to book her tan and nails, and reserve the jewel of the crown for just me and my daughter to do together?

Can't help but feel so upset. That first moment can never happen once it's happened..... the first glimpse and to see her face trying dream dresses on. The one moment that can't be recreated let alone replicated now the dress has been bought.

If we go again to try dresses and she finds something she likes better ( chances are she probably would bearing in mind the dress bought doesn't fit) and buy it, world war will commence with my daughter in the middle of it. I always bend for the sake of peace, but this is something else..........The one time in 16 years I don't feel I can let it slide.

AIBU???????

OP posts:

Lockheart · 22/03/2022 20:58

"Magical day"

"Dream dress"

"Mums honour"

It's a school party, not her fecking wedding day.

crosstalk · 22/03/2022 20:58

OP Salute to your daughter who has clearly done so well. Let's hope you will have many more salutes to her as she does her As, goes to uni or gets an apprenticeship in whatever she wants.

The coolest girl in my DS's class turned up in jeans with a nice silk top. She looked at million dollars. And didn't arrive by helicopter/limousine whatever and walked home. Another girl came in an elegant short dress with no frou frou. Neither had fake tans/nail extensions etc.

Just discuss it with your daughter.

WiddlinDiddling · 22/03/2022 21:03

Who is it you are devastated for, you or her, because it really does sound like its just you at the minute...

Particularly given it sounds like you won't stand up for what she wants and sort out a dress she actually likes, fits etc, because of worrying about what SM will say - it really doesn't sound like you've got her back there at all.

I do feel sorry for the poor kid, over dramatic wet lettuce mum and pushy horrible stepmum!

hihellohihello · 22/03/2022 21:09

Erm get the dress altered to fit. Don't be negative about it and tell your daughter she looks lovely very and thank the SM. (If their's any malice in her gesture this will show her its backfired totally. )

Buy Your daughter lovely shoes / a piece of jewellery to wear.

Make all this into a positive experience for your daughter and that's what she'll remember. Make the day a good one. Don't let this ruin the experience. Best way for that is not mentioning it as a negative.

user1471443411 · 22/03/2022 21:09

I can understand your annoyance with the step mum taking over when it's something that obviously means a lot to you and your dd. You should be able to go out with your daughter and get another dress, if that's what she wants, and tell the step mum to back off. Just say it like you have on here, that it means a lot to you and she has other children to have the experience with.
I'm a bit shocked at people saying they need to order a dress in January or February - my dd has been told not to buy anything yet as the attendance at prom is has a long list of preconditions (attendance, behaviour, etc) and she isn't even sure she wants to go yet. I thought we'd just be able to get a dress from a normal shop, like New Look.

hihellohihello · 22/03/2022 21:11

@user1471443411 try Vinted. Lots of evening wear on there. Very reasonably priced.

SarahBellam · 22/03/2022 21:15

You’re way over invested in a 16 year old’s school disco. My DD got hers for £30 in the Oxfam shop, as did several of her friends. Instead of buying her another dress (which is ridiculous) spend the money on a really nice piece of jewellery and give it to her on the night. That’s way better that an overblown dress that’ll get worn for 4 hours.

user1471443411 · 22/03/2022 21:20

@hihellohihello

@user1471443411 try Vinted. Lots of evening wear on there. Very reasonably priced.

Thanks, I'll check it out now.

hihellohihello · 22/03/2022 21:23

Hope you find something @user1471443411.

mumofEandE · 22/03/2022 21:24

You can take my DD prom dress shopping- I am dreading it!
Can't think of anything worse TBH
If she spent as much time revising ...

ZenNudist · 22/03/2022 21:28

If your dd is happy calm down. You need to get a grip. It comes across as living vicariously through your DD. This is not something worth getting upset over.

Ozanj · 22/03/2022 21:32

A 16 year old needs to be confident enough to say no. She shouldn’t be allowing herself to get railroaded into anythingz if her sm has form for this you need to support her by giving her the tools to stick up for herself / minimise contact. Anyway as the dress doesn’t fit you will need to take her shopping regardless of whether it causes ww3 or not. You get let her go to prom in a crap dress

MangosteenSoda · 22/03/2022 21:38

Are you from Liverpool op? I think that’s where the famous prom shop is and I think it’s taken quite seriously there.

If it’s that important to both of you, maybe you could take your daughter for a day out trying on prom shoes/getting a hair and makeup trial. Anything that gives you quality prom related time together.

Butterfly44 · 22/03/2022 21:48

I get it. I went prom dress shopping with my daughter and had no idea what to expect - I understand totally. It's seeing them all grown up wearing these gorgeous dresses. I feel lucky to have seen and spent that time with her over a fantastic experience. I am also thankful I only have to be daughter as I didn't know how eye watering the price tag would be!
Go yourselves and start again. Step mum had no right. It happens once.

mum11970 · 22/03/2022 21:48

Gees what a flipping over reaction and drama. Right of passage and honour! What a load of rubbish, it’s just a big party. After finding nothing dd liked in the shops she picked a dress online that cost less than £30 for her Yr11 prom and was a similar experience for her Yr13 prom. Youngest ds didn’t even get a prom due to Covid. You sound absolutely nuts.

Lulu1919 · 22/03/2022 21:59

I'd be sad and disappointed too
Maybe you could be with her for the getting ready ...getting hair done etc
What does your daughter think ?

CJsGoldfish · 22/03/2022 22:04

I was cringing for you reading this. So overdramatic it is ridiculous.

Any chance your dd jumped at the chance to escape your smothering clutches for an easy breezy chance to just shop for a dress?
Of course she's going to tell you what you want to hear, especially if you react this dramatically to everything. You CANNOT do otherwise with a mother like that. Trust me, I know

dayswithaY · 22/03/2022 22:04

Ring up SM and tell her she's out of order. If it's upset you this much then she should know to avoid similar in the future.

I can't imagine doing that, did she not think to ask you first? Very entitled.

Onlyhuman123 · 22/03/2022 22:17

I'd be livid. But I wouldn't have invested quite so much for a prom. It's over in a flash. But I do understand where you're coming from, as i say, id be livid...its a time for you and your daughter to spend time together choosing her dress...thats been taken from you. The SM...how did she engineer a prom dress shop/fitting without your daughter telling you? Why doesn't the dress fit? Did you daughter secretly not want all the song and dance of dress shopping and was just too worried to say to you?

Original poster

SADMA · 22/03/2022 23:13

I'm a stepmum too to to 2 beautiful girls and wouldn't dream of taking them, etiquette is Mum's role and I wouldn't dream of stepping on Sandras toes.

My daughter is invested, as most are in her year, hence wanting to make it so special. She's asked SM if we can pick up her dress at the weekend for shoes, bag, accessories, and met with a no, it's "our dress"......one of the pitfalls I wanted to avoid for her. Already has accessories sorted? But my daughter has no choice in that? Will the shoes even fit?

If this is a precursor of the future I can imagine a wedding abroad as SM is frightened of flying and has only been as far as France through the euro tunnel...however there's time yet, afterall DH is husband number 3 and the last one still pays the mortgage.....

Yes it's a big deal to me, I want my daughter to be happy, for us to enjoy the experience and make memories. It's what we do. Girly holidays, mini breaks with school friends, half of her friends live here at weekends and aren't welcome at SMs, quality time together and habits of our lifetime doing things together.

Maybe that's it??? There is very little relationship between them, and her own children spend more time with her parents or their own Dads ( 2 girls, 2 dads and a boy with my daughters dad) than at home.

Maybe she won't be having that with her own?🤔

My daughter didn't want to go but SM rules the roost. Dad is dependent. It's not easy all you haters...

But as my mum taught me to only value the opinions of people that add value, thank you for your time 😊

OP posts:

PikachuAndMe · 22/03/2022 23:45

Wow you sound horrible.

Koigarden · 22/03/2022 23:55

Does your daughter live with you?

What a weird thing for her to do. Of course she’s overstepped!

You are making a huge deals about Prom though, my daughter got the first dress she tried on. It took minutes! If she loves the dress I’d leave it but if she doesn’t I’d take her and get another one. You’ve left it very late though. We had to order before Christmas.

You need to speak to the step mother and let her know you’re feelings on this. There’s no way I’d let it go.

WiddlinDiddling · 23/03/2022 04:01

Why isn't it easy.

Take her shopping. Buy a dress. Buy accessories. She puts dress on, goes to prom in it.

I fail to see what isn't easy about that, whose house is she leaving for prom from?

Why would you want to buy accessories to match a dress you say she doesn't like and doesn't fit her?

Why aren't you telling her to stand up to SM and say 'no, I don't want to wear that, I want to pick a dress I like' - she's 16 .. she can't be FORCED into a dress she doesn't like, whats SM gonna do exactly, shove it over her head? Prevent her attending the prom unless she wears the one she chose?

I think, if all you say is true, you are presenting SM as this unstoppable force, this insurmountable barrier - why are you doing that, as I said before, why haven't you got your daughters back here?

Pandypuff · 23/03/2022 04:41

You're not unreasonable to be upset but to be honest you are being super melodramatic about it. It's just the modern day equivalent of a crappy school disco.l, just tackier and more American 😂

Pandypuff · 23/03/2022 04:45

(I voted YABU because you're being so melodramatic. Mum's honour? 😂 Also your daughter is 16 she could and should have just said 'no thanks'.)

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