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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP Stops Me From Helping Others

280 replies

MySaturday · 22/03/2022 11:05

I like to think that I am a pretty generous spirit and will offer to help people out when I feel I am able to, even if it inconveniences me (within reason).
I always put my family's needs first and would not offer to do anything that causes them unreasonable disruption, but find that DP gets into a massive sulk if I offer to assist anyone in a way that could possibly disrupt usual service (I do all of the cooking, most of the housework and we share childcare duties but I do more because I work PT).

For example, I am on a list of people to take care of a friend's 2YO when she goes into labour with second child. This could happen soon and DP has just started worrying that we might have to take 2YO overnight (even though this is very unlikely and I have said that I will do everything and expect nothing from him if that is the case). This is quite an extreme example, he has sulked over far less.

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can.
I genuinely can't work out who is being unreasonable here - so please let me know your thoughts!

YABU - you should not offer assistance to others
YANBU - if it is causing DP minimal disruption he shouldn't sulk over it

OP posts:
EthelTheAardvark · 22/03/2022 15:54

You need to point out to your partner that sulking is incredibly childish and unattractive, and he really should have grown out of it by now. If you helping others makes him feel anxious, he needs to get some counselling to help him handle that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/03/2022 15:55

This looks like a good point in the thread to raise the subject of Weaponised Incompetence:

"Also known as strategic incompetence, weaponized incompetence refers to a situation wherein a person pretends to be bad at doing something in order to get out of doing certain tasks. It can pertain to any task at all but usually manifests itself in home life settings, like care tasks, leading to domestic inequalities."

www.modernintimacy.com/what-is-weaponized-incompetence/

billy1966 · 22/03/2022 16:01

Two excellent posts from @mathanxiety above.

OP, this is an anonymous site, you need never read the posts again if you don't wish to.

But you are absolutely being controlled like a white appliance for the ego and convenience of your husband.

Cleaning and basic cooking are usually self taught.

You are living with strategic incompetence.

He has you EXACTLY where he wants you, and when he doesn't, he sulks.

Start saying No more often/doing more of what YOU want, and watch his displeasure increase.

Maybe then all the posts on this thread with the word controlling in them, will ring a bell with you.

Flowers
alexdgr8 · 22/03/2022 16:15

he picked you because he saw that you were kind and helpful.
maybe others had got fed up with his self-centredness.
whereas he calculated that you would put up with it, and in your caring way, put it down to anxiety, and so kind of feel sorry for him, and overly responsible for how he experiences life.
so sharing his life with you, he gets an easy ride.
it wold be a pity if in 10 years time you look back and wondered why you wasted so much time and this situation.
i'm not saying he is abusive or deliberately nasty.
but you are not living your best life. you need someone who inspires you, and with whom you are other challenged to be your best.
you have become his carer. not a partner. you need your equal.

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 16:18

@implantreplace
I think you are just being a bit unkind now. I have made it clear that my word choices were poor. DP does not actually stop me from helping other people but the sulk had me second guessing whether it was reasonable to carry on offering help when it makes him unhappy.

I am not some kind of martyr - I do like to help other people but I do this on my own terms and within reason. I don't think I have painted myself as a saint and I find your "how do you find the time?" comments disingenuous.

I am struggling to answer the questions around my own hobbies and interests but that doesn't necessarily mean there is a problem. I enjoy crafting and baking (not necessarily on demand!) but with a 3YO and a PT job often when I have time to myself I just kind of quietly read, watch telly or have a long bath!

OP posts:
Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 16:21

@mathanxiety
Having a better work / life balance has benefited me and everyone around me.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 22/03/2022 16:23

My DP is not abusive or coercive. I am bored of saying this now. It is actually quite odd that so many PPs think they know my life better than I do

You are clearly in denial. I dont know you or your life. Bit i do know mem like your DH. It never ends well. Be bored. You won't be for long the worse this gets.

I will deal with his sulking and lack of housekeeping skills however I see fit

Good luck

loach81 · 22/03/2022 16:24

How long has this been going on?
Is it a new thing that you help people
Or
He’s not like you doing it for 14 years

loach81 · 22/03/2022 16:26

Having read your OP and all your posts

This is what i reckon

You were a bit pissed off this morning and started a mumsnet thread on a whim
You didn’t really think through words and exaggerated how much you help people and how much your DH does t like you doing it

DameHelena · 22/03/2022 16:28

I will reassure him that I have taken measures so that things don't inconvenience him and then generally he stops. Well isn't that good of him. Magnanimous.

I'll say it again, although you're biting people's heads off for it: sulking is a form of control/abuse.

violetbunny · 22/03/2022 16:45

OP, you are missing the point spectacularly.

It doesn't matter if anxiety is the reason he is trying to control you. He is still trying to control you. The reason why does not matter. He is controlling you through his behaviour and his sulking.

Crankley · 22/03/2022 16:47

OP, I know you are finding our responses uncomfortable but take a moment to think. 98% have voted that you are NOT being unreasonable. No-one is saying LTB and if they are, ignore. We can only respond to what you post and the vast majority would not tolerate being in a relationship with a professionally incompetent partner like yours. That doesn't mean you don't have to - it's entirely your choice.

He is not going to change until you do. So you need to decide how badly you want him to change or continue enabling him.

Good Luck

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 16:50

@loach81
I think you have a point there!
I don't think I exaggerated how much I help people but I was expecting to get a bashing for not putting DP first so I think I phrased things on the defence.
I wanted to be clear that DP is not suffering in any way when I help people and he is just anxious that he will be inconvenienced when he has not had a choice in the matter. He is not perfect, but in the language I used (defensive) I made it sound like he is a massive twat of a manchild.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 22/03/2022 16:51

[quote MySaturday]@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz
He can't drive.
He can boil pasta and microwave a potato, but my culinary skills stretch beyond this and I would rather cook myself than eat some spaghetti and a jar of sauce every night.
Maybe I should amend my comments to "he cannot cook well"[/quote]
He sounds like an utterly incompetent adult to me

Calandor · 22/03/2022 16:59

He's obviously unreasonable. Even if you did have the child overnight it's only one night to help out your friend.

REignbow · 22/03/2022 17:00

@MySaturday

I work PT and have a one DC who is a similar age to yours.

I do the majority of cooking/chores

I also like to help people if I am able

The difference between you and l, is that my husband does NOT sulk about my offers of help.

We may discuss it of course, but he likes me to be happy and supports me in this. He rarely if ever volunteers my time to get glory for himself.

Your DP, May or may not have anxiety. But as an adult it is up to him to either seek counselling or medication.

Like PP has said, start saying NO more, begin to stop managing life to ensure he doesn’t get anxious and pull him up on any sulking.

I will however say, that I do agree with all PP who have said he is controlling and coercive.

REignbow · 22/03/2022 17:04

@MySaturday why the hell is he concerned if he is going to be inconvenienced….?

He is an adult. We all get inconvenienced all the time, in our jobs at home!

He doesn’t want to be inconvenienced, because he wants his EASY life to remain. He doesn’t want toe be inconvenienced, because he will have to cook/clean and take a lead with the DC.

REignbow · 22/03/2022 17:04

#in our jobs and at home

Deadringer · 22/03/2022 17:05

It sounds like he only wants to lend out his household appliance when it suits him.

diddl · 22/03/2022 17:09

"he is just anxious that he will be inconvenienced when he has not had a choice in the matter."

But he doesn't think about that for you when he volunteers you for stuff?

Also-what would the inconvenience actually be?

alexdgr8 · 22/03/2022 17:16

OP, why did you assume that most people would think you were being unreasonable to your partner by helping others ?
i think you need to really think about that.
sometimes we cannot see the wood for the trees.
i wish you well.

loach81 · 22/03/2022 17:18

[quote MySaturday]@loach81
I think you have a point there!
I don't think I exaggerated how much I help people but I was expecting to get a bashing for not putting DP first so I think I phrased things on the defence.
I wanted to be clear that DP is not suffering in any way when I help people and he is just anxious that he will be inconvenienced when he has not had a choice in the matter. He is not perfect, but in the language I used (defensive) I made it sound like he is a massive twat of a manchild.[/quote]
I didn’t think you’d admit to exaggerating how much you help people Grin

Because despite other posters asking, you’ve given no indication as to how much you help people, and whether this is a recent interest of yours or whether you have been doing this and DH has not liked you doing it…. For 14 years

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/03/2022 17:24

@MySaturday

You absolutely shouldn’t be helping people so much OP you should be dedicating yourself to your husband, meeting his needs and keeping to his routine. You should prioritise him and the tasks he signs you up for for his family. You’re being selfish to not put him first 24/7

Is that what you wanted us to say to you??

Cloudfrost · 22/03/2022 17:34

Either YABU to have been a doormat for 14 years to a manchild or YABU to have been infantalising an adult to such a degree that he cannot cook, he cannot be inconvenienced.

Like wtf would happen to him if one day you suddenly died? He would literally be unable to care for your child because he is incompetent at adulting..

Monr0e · 22/03/2022 17:40

You still haven't said what the inconvenience is, only that it upsets his routine. In what way? Tea not ready at the usual time? He is late for a hobby he does regularly? Without knowing it is hard to say if you are being inconsiderate or not