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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP Stops Me From Helping Others

280 replies

MySaturday · 22/03/2022 11:05

I like to think that I am a pretty generous spirit and will offer to help people out when I feel I am able to, even if it inconveniences me (within reason).
I always put my family's needs first and would not offer to do anything that causes them unreasonable disruption, but find that DP gets into a massive sulk if I offer to assist anyone in a way that could possibly disrupt usual service (I do all of the cooking, most of the housework and we share childcare duties but I do more because I work PT).

For example, I am on a list of people to take care of a friend's 2YO when she goes into labour with second child. This could happen soon and DP has just started worrying that we might have to take 2YO overnight (even though this is very unlikely and I have said that I will do everything and expect nothing from him if that is the case). This is quite an extreme example, he has sulked over far less.

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can.
I genuinely can't work out who is being unreasonable here - so please let me know your thoughts!

YABU - you should not offer assistance to others
YANBU - if it is causing DP minimal disruption he shouldn't sulk over it

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 22/03/2022 14:50

I feel this thread has opened your eyes a little.You are a kind and generous person I am sure but his sulking must stop.He is an adult and knows what he is doing,try the food box idea,he needs to learn to cook as should all adults who are capable.He needs to dd chores in the house without being told.Please don’t treat hm like a child you are not doing any favours.Teach him how to make cakes for his family it’s not hard why should you do it? Good luck and continue with helping others when you want.

springtimeishereagain · 22/03/2022 14:53

It also sounds like he needs to adult better: learn to drive, clean and cook.

implantreplace · 22/03/2022 14:53

14 years together

Have you recently started helping people?
Or has he always had a problem with it? (In which a little optimistic in your “hope” that he will change)

How old are your children?

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 14:57

Okay.
His cleaning and cooking are below par so I should just bin him off. Even though we have been together for 14 years and have a 3YO together.
This thread has gotten completely out of hand.
I thank all of you that have voted - it has helped me to be determined to continue as I am. So long as helping others is not at detriment to my family I will do so.
My DP is not abusive or coercive. I am bored of saying this now. It is actually quite odd that so many PPs think they know my life better than I do.
I will deal with his sulking and lack of housekeeping skills however I see fit.

OP posts:
MsMarch · 22/03/2022 14:58

I have only read your posts and it seems everyone agrees that your DP is being mean (you seem to think they think he's being too mean) but I will just say, as the partner of someone who has a habit of volunteering to help other people quite often, it can be extremely frustrating when he disappears off to help someone move house, leaving me with two DC, multiple kids activities and all the normal chores for a day. And yet I am the bad guy because I don't want him to help someone?

There are the times DH has offered to help people with something that involves his equipment - at our house, out of hours. So not only do I get landed with all the childcare duties, I have to either rush around tidying up etc OR he does (while I then do other stuff).

Or he will be working late on a project for someone else, making him tired and cranky and it's me and the DC who suffer.

It's not constant and it's a LOT better these days, but if any of this is true for you and your DP, then I sympathise with him (the once off 2 year old overnight because a friend is going into labour is absolutely NOT an example I'd ever take issue with. But ironically, it's the kind of thing that my DH would moan about at first.... then be the one who does all the hard work when the 2 year old turns up! Grin )

phizog · 22/03/2022 15:02

I'm going to ignore your DP for a minute, and ask you - Do you get any time to do things for YOURSELF?

Because it seems like you do a lot at home, work part time, look after 2 toddlers and then help others in your free time. I worry that you will wake up one day and not know who you are, because your identity is forged around helping everyone else - what are your hopes, dreams, hobbies, ambitions? The martyred way of life - living to help other people is as unhealthy as your DP's extreme love of routine and order.

Stop doing so much for your DP - he can learn to drive or cook or do more around the house. He isn't a child and I'm sure he'd survive just fine without you if he was forced to. He just knows you'll take care of things so he doesn't bother.

Start focusing more on yourself - your own needs, hobbies, interests, goals etc. Helping people out in an emergency is lovely, constantly doing it to make yourself feel better will crash and burn someday when you realise not everyone will be that appreciative and you may feel burnt out.

hangrylady · 22/03/2022 15:02

@Shoxfordian

I wouldn’t want a 2year old overnight so that does sound fairly disruptive tbh

Stop doing 90% of everything op

It might not be ideal but surely you'd do it as a favour for a friend in labour?Confused
Monr0e · 22/03/2022 15:09

OP, I get the bit about cooking, my DH is useless and even though I'm not great I do 90% of the cooking.

But housework isn't something that needs to be taught. Picking up a duster and polish and running it around the furniture isn't rocket science. Neither is picking up after yourself or others if you see something needs doing.

I'm not shouting abusive, but he certainly takes you for granted and resents you not being 100% there for him. You said he wouldn't lime it if you stayed out. Do you do much at all without him?

Also, you never answered, how long can his sulking last for? Remember, your 3 old is watching and learning how to treat others from him. Sulking when things are not going your way is an awful habit to teach your children

thebabynanny · 22/03/2022 15:16

I don't think he sounds abusive, just selfish & lazy and doesn't want you to be busy with things outside the home as he might have to get off his arse and do things for himself.

pinkyredrose · 22/03/2022 15:20

but I always go the extra mile to ensure that his needs are met and his routine is not disrupted.

And this is someone you're willing to have sex with?!

aloris · 22/03/2022 15:23

I wonder if your husband dislikes you helping friends because he's worried he'll be hungry while you are helping others. If you are going to teach him to cook, I would start with simple things: pasta, boiled eggs, scrambled eggs, baked chicken, sauteed chicken, rice and beans, etc. Let him make dinner some days, even if it's simpler and less tasty than what you would prefer. As he gets comfortable with that, introduce higher skills like how to pick seasonings, how to add veggies to a stir fry, etc. He's probably never going to make things as fancy and tasty as you, but that's ok. If he can cook some basic meals for himself, then he will likely feel less of a need to invade your activities that you do for your friends.

Same with driving. I think if you are a nondriver, and the driver is not around for some reason, it can make you feel stranded in your home with no way to help yourself (get groceries, take sick child to doctor, etc). So he really should learn to drive, if possible.

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 15:24

@Monr0e
So you would think that housework doesn't need to be taught, but in the past he has tried and I have found sort of wet surfaces around the place still with dust on them?! He is fine at picking up after himself, DC and me (if I leave a mug somewhere or drop a sock on the stairs or whatever). If he spilled something on the side in the kitchen he would wipe it up - likewise, if I did and hadn't noticed he would wipe that up - but he would never move stuff off of the sides and give them a proper wipe down. Do you get what I mean? He's cleaning up the day to day mess but not the stuff that accumulates over time.

I am sorry I didn't answer how long the sulking lasts. It is actually not long, I will reassure him that I have taken measures so that things don't inconvenience him and then generally he stops. It might reoccur though - later he might worry again and it might kick off another round of sulking.

I suppose the main thing is that when I want to offer help it always crosses my mind that he might be unhappy about it. I reached a point where I genuinely couldn't work out if that was because I was being unreasonable in offering help or if he was being unreasonable in sulking. Hence why I ended up here.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 22/03/2022 15:27

So another person who thinks - I'm in a perfect relationship but I'm not really... Hmm

mathanxiety · 22/03/2022 15:31

Your H needs to stop the following:
Sulking
Volunteering your services - baking and giving lifts.
Complaining when you make decisions of your own about helping others.

The problem here is not that he begrudges your time and energy. The problem is that he seems to think those things are his to share out and that you shouldn't have any agency or choice as to how you allocate time and effort.

There is a big boundary problem here, basically a failure on his part to understand where he ends and you begin. He doesn't understand or acknowledge that you were not put on this earth to be available for him or to be under his control.

Your H has narcissistic tendencies. It's very likely that he saw in your helpful nature the potential to maximize his standing with people whose opinion he values ( family and whoever he volunteers you to give lifts to) and really doesn't want you to do anything that he doesn't control .

People with narcissistic tendencies have a very hard time when reality impinges ( i.e. that you are not a blank canvas onto which he can project whatever he needs you to be). Hence the sulking. He is punishing you for busting his bubble.

YANBU. You have your work cut out for you with this man.

TatianaBis · 22/03/2022 15:34

So you would think that housework doesn't need to be taught, but in the past he has tried and I have found sort of wet surfaces around the place still with dust on them?

It doesn’t mean he needs to be taught he just needs to be arsed to do it properly. He didn’t dust properly and then he didn’t wipe up whatever he sprayed or dry after he used a wet cloth. It’s not rocket science.

mathanxiety · 22/03/2022 15:34

YYY to wife appliance.

OP you need to stand your ground here, and if sulking ensues, tell him you are not going to put up with it.

Sulking is horribly corrosive in a relationship. It's absolutely an attempt to control.

AffIt · 22/03/2022 15:41

@phizog

I'm going to ignore your DP for a minute, and ask you - Do you get any time to do things for YOURSELF?

Because it seems like you do a lot at home, work part time, look after 2 toddlers and then help others in your free time. I worry that you will wake up one day and not know who you are, because your identity is forged around helping everyone else - what are your hopes, dreams, hobbies, ambitions? The martyred way of life - living to help other people is as unhealthy as your DP's extreme love of routine and order.

Stop doing so much for your DP - he can learn to drive or cook or do more around the house. He isn't a child and I'm sure he'd survive just fine without you if he was forced to. He just knows you'll take care of things so he doesn't bother.

Start focusing more on yourself - your own needs, hobbies, interests, goals etc. Helping people out in an emergency is lovely, constantly doing it to make yourself feel better will crash and burn someday when you realise not everyone will be that appreciative and you may feel burnt out.

100% this.
mathanxiety · 22/03/2022 15:43

The inability to do housework stems from a notion that he is above all the silly details that occupy you.

He does the absolute bare minimum so that you will understand that you can't rely on him if you ever need someone to share the load.

Meanwhile, you have to keep his precious routine squared away or there are consequences.

You find yourself pondering those consequences when making decisions ...

Oh yes, he is getting you to the place he wants you.

Monr0e · 22/03/2022 15:47

I'm still struggling to see how he is being inconvenienced though. How exactly is his routine disturbed so significantly. Is it because you are not at home when he expects you to be? Not trying to be arsey but genuinely not getting it.

My dh has a van, he is often asked to give lifts, move stuff, help others with all sorts. It has no impact on me whatsoever unless he is running late for something in which case he let's me know.

What exactly changes for him if you are kindly helping someone else?

And I still think you don't have to be taught to clean. If you can see something is still dusty or wet then so can he.

alexdgr8 · 22/03/2022 15:47

@CurbsideProphet

He sounds like the sort of man I read about on mumsnet but can't imagine any woman I know IRL considering a second date with, never mind having children and a life together.
this is what i don't understand. that such people exist, i know. but why would women who have a good family background of being caring, or just decided to pursue those values themselves, why would they align themselves with the polar opposite attitude. it is draining, and depressing, to be around. how can you choose to live with it. why would you. as the song says, you've got to accentuate the positive. eliminate the negative. and don't mess with mr in between.
Monr0e · 22/03/2022 15:49

As for not knowing he needs to move stuff to clean under or around them, you are infantalising him. Of course he does he just chooses not to.

Monr0e · 22/03/2022 15:50

Is his routine upset when you are helping people he has volunteered you for or only of it is your own decision?

implantreplace · 22/03/2022 15:51

* I'm going to ignore your DP for a minute, and ask you - Do you get any time to do things for YOURSELF?*

The OP is fairly clear that she loves helping others and it makes her happy

So I’ve interpreted it to her “YOURSELF” time

implantreplace · 22/03/2022 15:52

* His cleaning and cooking are below par so I should just bin him off. *

Hell no

But for “stopping you” doing something you love for 14 years
And then going in to a sulk when you do it

Well, hell yes

mathanxiety · 22/03/2022 15:54

How has your better work/ life balance since ditching your career worked out for him?

Does it mean he doesn't have to do any housework, childcare, or cooking, or carry the mental load of all of that?

Has your PT status and non-career track work history made it more or less possible for you to consider your relationship options open?