DP Stops Me From Helping Others

[MySaturday]

I like to think that I am a pretty generous spirit and will offer to help people out when I feel I am able to, even if it inconveniences me (within reason).
I always put my family's needs first and would not offer to do anything that causes them unreasonable disruption, but find that DP gets into a massive sulk if I offer to assist anyone in a way that could possibly disrupt usual service (I do all of the cooking, most of the housework and we share childcare duties but I do more because I work PT).

For example, I am on a list of people to take care of a friend's 2YO when she goes into labour with second child. This could happen soon and DP has just started worrying that we might have to take 2YO overnight (even though this is very unlikely and I have said that I will do everything and expect nothing from him if that is the case). This is quite an extreme example, he has sulked over far less.

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can.
I genuinely can't work out who is being unreasonable here - so please let me know your thoughts!

YABU - you should not offer assistance to others
YANBU - if it is causing DP minimal disruption he shouldn't sulk over it

OP. Everybody on here has said the same thing but you just keep coming back to defend him. You say you thought you would get a bashing on here for moaning about your DP. Well thats a statement in its self. Why write on here if you dont read what you want to read. Ask your wonderful natured friends to have the child if you dont want to make your precious DP anxious im sure if they are as nice as you say they would jump at the chance to help leaving you to spoil your DP.

I would NEVER get involved with a man who tried to stop me doing anything.

You haven’t made a hash of this OP - you’ve simply forgotten (or don’t know) that this is mumsnet world - which means women do nothing for their husbands 🙄 men must never touch a women without first gaining precise verbal allowance 🙄 women and men must absolutely do 50% of EVERYTHING, no matter what their work status is 🙄 men are never ever allowed to say anything negative 🙄 any male disagreement/gesture/expression is coercive control 🙄 women must always LTB 🙄🤔😆😆

Sulking is unattractive in a small child. It's certainly not a behaviour an adult should indulge themselves in. And anxiety is no excuse for it.

OP,

You have written honestly and people have replied honestly.

You are surprised that people have read him to be selfish, mean spirited, controlling and disrespectful of you.

It's a lot to take in.

Sulking is a deeply unpleasant trait and is a classic tactic in controlling relationships.

You are a bit overwhelmed with the responses.
I get that.

Take your time and reflect.
Come back and re read in your own time.

But hopefully your eyes have been opened a tiny bit to exactly how his behaviour would be perceived by others.

Men who regularly sulk at their partners because they are not happy with something they have done, do it to punish them.

It is controlling.
It is a tactic of an abusive man.

Read up on it yourself and it might help your find the strength to tackle this.

You owe it to yourself and your existing child to do this BEFORE you have another child.

Your gut is telling you it is not right.
We are telling you it is not right.

Time for you to decide is it right for you.

People will treat as poorly as you allow.

Protect yourself and your child from a man who sulks to punish you for not doing what HE wants.

He is the very definition of a controlling man.

Whether you are prepared to accept that or not, does not change the facts.

@MySaturday

I have had a chance to read more of the comments on here, but forgive me if I do not have time to respond to them all individually. I thank you all for taking time out of your day to offer your opinions. This thread did not go the way I was expecting it to.

To those of you concerned that I am in a controlling and abusive relationship: I can assure you that this is absolutely not the case. I know that you will not believe this and it is not for me to spend any more time trying to persuade you.

I don't consider myself a doormat, but I can see that I have enabled DP's behaviour by trying to shield him from anything that he will find challenging. I am seeing clearly for the first time that this is actually not helpful in the long term. In fact, it is making it more upsetting for him whenever there is a disruption. I can't possibly make things always run smoothly for him and it is not my job to do so - as much as I would like him to never feel discomfort. I am effectively treating him like a child in this regard.

I have realised in the course of this thread that the need to help other people is inherently within me. I feel completely connected when I am able to help others and without doing it I would be completely adrift. This doesn't mean I am a saint, it is just something that gives me purpose and satisfaction. I need to make that clear to DP and explain that he can trust me to always put our family first but his support (and not resistance) would make my life a lot more fulfilled.

All the people you help

How do you find the time? Full time job?!

Genuinely curious!

And how often and what sort of hell are we actually talking about

Have you always done lots of “helping”? I ask becuae you say that you hope he will change. So can’t have been going on for years?

To those of you concerned that I am in a controlling and abusive relationship: I can assure you that this is absolutely not the case. I know that you will not believe this
The thing is, by your own comments, you are. Sulking is controlling and abusive behaviour. It just is. Obviously what you choose to do about that is up to you, but there's no point trying to say it's not the case.

How Old are your children OP?

Husband doesn't sound very nice, frankly. I know a lot of people feel that they 'don't owe anyone anything', but it isn't about that. It's good to help others, as quietly and discreetly as possible and as long as your own loved ones are not overly inconvenienced, there should be no problem. Any one of us could need a helping hand at some time.

You carry on doing what you do. You're setting a fine example to your children of being unselfish and we need more of that.

Anyone who sulks is, frankly, childish. He's probably jealous, wants you all to himself but tell him to get over it.

Sulking in any way shape or form, about anything or because of anything, is an extremely unattractive behaviour. Sulking is what small children and occasionally teenagers do and even then I don’t tolerate it. It’s rude and passive aggressive. Pull him up on it every time. If he is anxious then as an adult he is fully capable of saying “I’m a bit worried about XYZ” not sulking around like an 8 year old.

Very long running thread here about a sulker. It is a control mechanism, not to mention deeply unattractive.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4125147-Divorcing-sulking-DH-it-WILL-happen-in-2021

I have been with DP for 14 years. If he was the coercive and controlling mastermind that many of you suspect I think it would be quite visible to everyone in RL by now?
The fact is that I am closer with my family now than I was before we got together and I have met and maintained friendships with some absolutely lovely people during that time. He has supported me in leaving a career that I hated and taking jobs that pay far less so that I can have a better work/life balance.
Of course, there have been times that I have supported him too. We are a partnership.
He fears change in his own day to day life and this can make him hesitant when there is a scenario that he cannot plan for. Often, this hesitance can take the form of obsessive planning for every eventuality but when that is not possible I am confronted with the sulking. He is mainly sulking with the universe, but of course I feel it is aimed at me if my choices lead to the sulking.
When it comes to the basics of cooking / housework - yes he should learn. He actually feels sheepish about not being able to cook and I constantly insist that it is fine. Maybe I should see what he suggests about learning. Perhaps a regular recipe box thingy so he has clear instructions to follow and everything weighed out ready - that could be a good start? When he asks what needs doing around the house I could give him the appropriate equipment and let him get on with it instead of expecting him to guess how best to do things he has never been expected to do before?

OP, what are the changes in his routine that he doesn't like? Do you ever go out in the evenings and do your own thing or does he expect you to be around evenings and weekends?
Does he have hobbies and friends he sees that take him out?
How long does his sulking last for?

You do sound kind and caring. You also sound as if you have convinced yourself he struggles because of anxiety, just exactly how disrupted can he be by you helping someone else?

Also, definitely tell him no more offering your services without asking you first. Just because you usually don't mind shouldn't mean he gets to decide for you

I'm a bit on the fence because my DH can sometimes get caught up in helping others in a way that does inconvenience DC and I, but DH would probably say it didn't impact us.

There's a lot overuse of the words bullying and abuse on here.

What they're getting at is that sulking isn't just an unfortunate character trait it's an intentional control mechanism.

I don't think your DH is abusive though.

Being married to a child is not a good thing.

"When he asks what needs doing around the house I could give him the appropriate equipment and let him get on with it instead of expecting him to guess how best to do things he has never been expected to do before?"

Eugh.........

Can he drive?

I never understand how people (without SEN) can maneuver a big, complicated metal box around our road networks at speed, factoring in pedestrians, roundabout etc yet apparently can't boil spaghetti or bake a potato.

It's strategic incompetence.

@Strictlyfanoftenyears
Yes, DP's cleaning skills are a little bit like those of a person who has just left home. It isn't great, you are correct.
How would you change it if your DP was similar? Or would you just divorce him because he wasn't born able to dust and nobody had ever taught him?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Can he drive?

I never understand how people (without SEN) can maneuver a big, complicated metal box around our road networks at speed, factoring in pedestrians, roundabout etc yet apparently can't boil spaghetti or bake a potato.

It's strategic incompetence.

It seems he can't do either to be fair.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz
He can't drive.
He can boil pasta and microwave a potato, but my culinary skills stretch beyond this and I would rather cook myself than eat some spaghetti and a jar of sauce every night.
Maybe I should amend my comments to "he cannot cook well"

[quote MySaturday]@Strictlyfanoftenyears
Yes, DP's cleaning skills are a little bit like those of a person who has just left home. It isn't great, you are correct.
How would you change it if your DP was similar? Or would you just divorce him because he wasn't born able to dust and nobody had ever taught him?[/quote]
No such thing as 'cleaning skills' you can either be arsed to do it properly or you can't.

Tell him to bugger off. He isn't even your husband.
If he wants you to put him first maybe he should put a ring on it (in common parlance0.

"clear instructions to follow and everything weighed out ready - that could be a good start? When he asks what needs doing around the house I could give him the appropriate equipment and let him get on with it instead of expecting him to guess how best to do things he has never been expected to do before?"

Say what now?

YANBU at all. So he's happy to volunteer you to do things (does he ever offer to make a cake or do any of the things he volunteers you for?? ) but he's not ok with you deciding for yourself who you want to help?

He sounds mean-spirited and controlling.

You are an adult. You get to decide things for yourself. And him sulking if you do something he doesn't like? Controlling and deeply unattractive.