It's another in-laws post birth thread

[LittleGwyneth]

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

@Silvercatowner I agree with the post above… your post is a little scary! Boundaries are an inherent part of adult relationships. You as a grandparent should be able to set yours, just as your children do. Entitlement- whether it’s from GCs, expecting time with grandchildren, or from parents, expecting childcare from GPs- is not appropriate.

I loved having people over but then I was fine after labour (always an unknown) and have no issues telling people they need to look after themselves.

If your in-laws are likely to make tea, run the hoover round and not take offence if you go and nap with the baby a few times a day I really wouldn't stop them
Coming over. Babies are only tiny for a short amount of time and their family are obviously excited to meet them straight away.

We had both sets of GPs come to the hospital later in the day after my planned section. I didn't particularly want to but I knew I'd want to see my parents and couldn't therefore exclude inlaws.

I think it was actually mutually positive, despite me feeling that I just wanted to be alone with dh and dd as you do now. It got the initial meeting out the way so it satisfied both sides in that sense and they felt important and welcomed. It also changed my feelings as well tbh, seeing mil tear up holding dd made me realise how much she loved dd and it made me realise how important it is to help develop those bonds.

Them seeing me though, stuck in bed, still unable to walk with a catheter and an I.v. thing in my hand also made them realise how tough a section is. My parents are obviously my parents and helped more practically but mil gatekept her side of the family for a week or so because she knew first hand I needed time to recover.

Ultimately it comes down to you, but I think being more generous with time after dc is here is something that will put your relationship on good footing going forward.

My MIL was the first to see our LG, 3 days old and we travelled an hour, but I loved showing her off, I was honestly proud as punch at what I had created and wanted everyone to meet her and get newborn snuggles (I even love taking her round tescos so people can see her )

I will always support the relationship with my DD and both sets of her grandparents, I think it’s important( I don’t have any decent ones)

See how you feel but honestly OP, don’t worry too much, as long as your DP steps up there are no worries.

"I knew I'd want to see my parents and couldn't therefore exclude inlaws."

I honestly don't get this.

What would have happened if your ILs hadn't seen you until the day after your parents-or shock horror the day after that?

@VainAbigail

That's their grandchild, and their son's baby

they are equal grandparents

These two statements I totally agree with.

To be honest only one is. The other is step grandparent so his role will depend on his relationship with his step son.

However not a distinction that needs to be made. But he isn’t the grandfather.

[quote LittleGwyneth]@Puppyseahorse I think my main learning today is that I'm trying to plan for / control a situation which hasn't arisen yet, and that we really do need to play it by ear. I'm v grateful for the collective wisdom![/quote]
Yes. I honestly think the best thing to say to the in-laws (who are already doing the right thing by booking a hotel) is that you're really looking forward to showing the baby off to them, but at this point it's impossible to predict how you will all be. That you hope that they can combine seeing the baby with exploring the area when you need some down time or privacy to get feeding underway. You could even recommend some nice walks, cafes for lunch, or places to visit for a couple of hours.

I'd do it the second week not the first. I was crying all the time for the first week while the hormones settled and I wouldn't want most of my relatives, especially some I didn't know that well, to see me like that. I didn't have any visitors, including my own mother, until I was home, downstairs dressed in day clothes with makeup on.

Your MIL might be really helpful. Mine cooked dinners, put washing on and cleaned the bathroom.

I think ask them to book tickets they can amend up to 24 hours before. It will take the pressure off.

I was having massive hormone crashes then and sobbing at everything, couldn't walk or sit and was pissing myself, as well as being so weak from blood loss and anaemia I was having to be helped around. I was really vulnerable and I would have felt absolutely awful if I'd been expected to see people outside immediate family because of fairness. If you have a less than perfect birth experience you do need to ensure you balance your need to recover with their wish to see the baby asap. Saying that if I hadn't been in such a state then I would have been ok with it, the tiredness and breastfeeding will be a thing for a lot longer than a few days or weeks

I had my first baby 4 months ago by planned section. I was out of hospital the next day and couldn't wait for visitors as I wanted to show her off and I am definitely not the hosting type, I normally don't like people calling.

Let them come, they'll be staying in a hotel but don't put yourself out at the same time. My DHs biological dad and wife I don't know very well or some of his family on that side, but when they came I stayed in my pj's and wasn't up scrubbing the house, I just said to people they'd have to take us as they found us.

If you're tired, sore, emotional etc just be honest. If they are decent people they'll gave you space if you ask.

You may find you recover quite quickly from your section. By day 5 I was out walking the dog (well DH had the dog, I pushed the pram) and I'm no spring chicken either.

Congratulations and enjoy this lovely time!

Take your time. For people who naturally feel fine with the idea of people visiting so soon it won’t seem like a thing. But for those of us who need more space, that’s perfectly fine too. It’s a huge deal having your first baby & it sounds like you know yourself & your preferences - it’s perfectly okay to have these. I felt the same & was glad I ring fenced that time for it to be just us. There’s no rush & the biggest priority is yourself & your partner having time to bond with your baby & recovery physically & emotionally.

It just really depends upon how important family is to you and if you value your husbands family as equal grandparents.

All this 'DH and I need time to bond with the baby ' bollox is all very precious naval gazing .
Parenthood is hard enough without alienating the grandparents from the get go. They don't need 'managing' or 'boundaries' - if , as you say - they are normal pleasant people.

The baby won't break if someone else holds him .

‘ The baby won't break if someone else holds him’

Lol.

Grandparents won’t break being asked to wait a week either.
Family can be important to you, as well as having the ability to be strong enough to say that you want some space after giving birth. It’s not one or the other.

Your comment about equal grandparents is ridiculous too.
Grandparents can be equal, but when someone’s child has just had a baby, they’re there primarily as that womens parent.

Some of you are horrible.

I think it’s very unfair to give one set of grandparents unlimited access and time with the family and new baby, then try and set rules and time limits for the other set (unless you don’t get on with them).

They might be helpful and supportive. You may value their company and help when the time comes.

They’re only in the area for 2 days so I’d just play it by ear and let them know if you need a break or take yourself off to your room if you feel unable to say that to them.

@secretsqizzle

It just really depends upon how important family is to you and if you value your husbands family as equal grandparents.

All this 'DH and I need time to bond with the baby ' bollox is all very precious naval gazing .
Parenthood is hard enough without alienating the grandparents from the get go. They don't need 'managing' or 'boundaries' - if , as you say - they are normal pleasant people.

The baby won't break if someone else holds him .

I agree, it's so weird when parents want to spend uninterrupted, quality time with their baby as a brand new family. Where I come from, new parents just fling their babies into the street so everyone can play dollies with them! It's just so much better for the community that way.

@FateHasRedesignedMost

I think it’s very unfair to give one set of grandparents unlimited access and time with the family and new baby, then try and set rules and time limits for the other set (unless you don’t get on with them).

They might be helpful and supportive. You may value their company and help when the time comes.

They’re only in the area for 2 days so I’d just play it by ear and let them know if you need a break or take yourself off to your room if you feel unable to say that to them.

You think it’s unfair for a new mum to want her mum around unless she lets her partners mum be around the exact same amount of time?

Right.
If my daughter wants me around when she’s had a baby, I’ll be there and support her.

Equally if my sons partner has a baby and wants her mum, I’ll completely understand and be ready to support her when she’s ready.

Because funnily enough, when I become a grandparent, it isn’t about me.

All this 'DH and I need time to bond with the baby ' bollox is all very precious naval gazing .
Parenthood is hard enough without alienating the grandparents from the get go. They don't need 'managing' or 'boundaries' - if , as you say - they are normal pleasant people.

And grandparents needing to be there the moment the baby pops out with little to no consideration of the woman who gave birth is entitlement at its finest!

One can care about family and express that they want space after having a baby and if such family members have such an issue with it than they’re not really family.

@Staryflight445 you remind me of those women who haven't yet had children and proclaim confidently exactly what kind of parent they'll be (with barely disguised criticism of the parents around them).
The reality is that if in the future you have a DIL who has just given birth to your first grandchild, if you are not bursting with excitement and impatience to see it every bit as much as its other grandma, you'll be quite the oddity. Like any GP, whatever side, hopefully you'll be considerate of the mother. But the baby is of equal importance, and will be loved equally by both sets of GP s.

The new generation is about everyone in the two families, to some degree. It's primal. I didn't get it until it happened to me, any more that most people don't get what parenthood is like until it happened to me.

Fortunately it was my DD who gave birth, but the other grandma was treated equally, which I was as keen to see happen as my DD was.

Do you think you could have a private conversation with your MIL (in person if at all possible) and explain that as much as you really want them to meet the baby asap, would they mind waiting until after the birth for you to decide how soon as you know you won't know how you will feel and just want some flexibility? I don't think this is unreasonable at all. I really don't like the idea that the mother and her recovery comes last in the decision. I think talking about it ahead of time would mean she could understand your anxieties and not take it personally if you aren't ready for visitors within the first week. I hate that some new mothers get bullied and treated like they are terrible for just asking for some consideration.

[quote saraclara]@Staryflight445 you remind me of those women who haven't yet had children and proclaim confidently exactly what kind of parent they'll be (with barely disguised criticism of the parents around them).
The reality is that if in the future you have a DIL who has just given birth to your first grandchild, if you are not bursting with excitement and impatience to see it every bit as much as its other grandma, you'll be quite the oddity. Like any GP, whatever side, hopefully you'll be considerate of the mother. But the baby is of equal importance, and will be loved equally by both sets of GP s.

The new generation is about everyone in the two families, to some degree. It's primal. I didn't get it until it happened to me, any more that most people don't get what parenthood is like until it happened to me.

Fortunately it was my DD who gave birth, but the other grandma was treated equally, which I was as keen to see happen as my DD was.[/quote]
You can be excited you know without disrespecting someone’s wishes or expecting things to happen a certain way.

My childrens feelings on things come first and that will not change when they become parents. Of course I’ll want to meet the baby but my excitement will firstly come off seeing them as parents, the baby is an extension to that.

I’m surprised by the comments about treating grandparents equally. How many couples can you count that both have a similar relationship with their parents?
Grandparents relationships with their grandchildren will naturally be based off their own parents relationships with those grandparents.

‘ The new generation is about everyone in the two families, to some degree. It's primal. I didn't get it until it happened to me, any more that most people don't get what parenthood is like until it happened to me.’

If you’re old enough to be a grandparent why are you finding it difficult to understand that everyone’s perception of being a parent and grandparent is different? Every family is different and the issues attached to this thread are not directly related to how you perceive parenthood?

You can request time after birth to recover in peace with your new baby and partner without that meaning you don’t respect or regard your wider family.
Those relationships come with time.

It is so sad and disappointing to read that the father's mother is not as welcome as the mother's mother by some people. That is a really painful statement and I do wonder what is happening to society.

@ChickenStripper

It is so sad and disappointing to read that the father's mother is not as welcome as the mother's mother by some people. That is a really painful statement and I do wonder what is happening to society.

Yeah it’s exceptionally hard to understand why other women can’t understand the logic of why a new mum might want her mum around her whilst she’s feeling vulnerable.

Mil isn’t OPs mum, OP doesn’t feel comfortable around MIL as doesn’t know her very well.
However she came out of her mums body, and doesn’t feel this way with her own mum.

Really difficult understanding that isn’t it?

Have you got a daughter @ChickenStripper?

You not going to visit your daughter after birth (regardless of what state she’s in after) unless the MIL is there too? Cause you know… you wouldn’t want first dibs on the grandchild hey?

Or do you think a parent should be allowed to see their daughter as soon as their daughter is ready (even if that means she’s not ready for other people yet which is absolutely fine) because primarily she is invited there as a parent to be a parent and the grandchild is an accessory to that?

I’m surprised by the comments about treating grandparents equally. How many couples can you count that both have a similar relationship with their parents?

We're talking about meeting their grandchild. Of course there will be differences in relationships that might well show themselves in the future. But there should not be a large disparity in the timing of invitations to each set of grandparents, to actually meet their grandchild.