It's another in-laws post birth thread

[LittleGwyneth]

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

@ChickenStripper

It is so sad and disappointing to read that the father's mother is not as welcome as the mother's mother by some people. That is a really painful statement and I do wonder what is happening to society.

In the op's case, I get the impression it is more because they live so far away that visiting would be an 'event'. It would be the same the other way around.

If they lived nearby they would be popping in, hopefully lending a helping hand, then popping out. I can see her point in this case and, let's face it, she doesn't know how she will feel straight after the birth. I hope she is fine and buzzing around but many women are not.

This wasn't a problem for me because both sets of grandparents lived fairly nearby. They took it in turns to help out. It would have been different had they needed to travel far and stay somewhere if not with us. I was happy to have either but I honestly did not want other visitors for a while (they turned up anyway).

Watching this with interest! 36 weeks pregnant with first baby, I have a similar relationship with my in laws. They’re fine, (and they raised DH who I’m pretty keen on!) but we only see them a couple of times a year and we aren’t close. His mum is excited about the baby and I’m hoping it might bring us closer.

My mum and PILs both live a distance away. My mum will likely come and stay for a couple of nights as soon as she can. We’re close and I don’t have to ‘host her’. Eg when we were renovating, my mum came down regularly and helped out. PILs visited for the day when it was all finished and I cooked lunch. That’s completely fine, we had a nice day and it was nice to show off the house. It’s just a different relationship!

I’m open to PILs visiting for a bit around the same time to meet the baby. But they definitely wouldn’t want to stay over (they never have) so will automatically spend less time with the her. We also couldn’t have them all to stay at the same time because there’s only one spare room!

It never even occurred to me that this could be seen as really unreasonable! Of course I’m much happier to be around my own mum when I’ll be vulnerable rather than my MIL who I make polite conversation with 2 times per year. The relationship is just different and that’s ok! This in no way effects the long term relationship I hope the baby will have with all her grandparents in the long term.

@saraclara

I’m surprised by the comments about treating grandparents equally. How many couples can you count that both have a similar relationship with their parents?

We're talking about meeting their grandchild. Of course there will be differences in relationships that might well show themselves in the future. But there should not be a large disparity in the timing of invitations to each set of grandparents, to actually meet their grandchild.

The mother of the person giving birth will naturally want to be there for her child, this has nothing to do with being a grandparent. It’s not a competition of who gets to meet the grandchild first or ‘oh you met the baby a week before’.

YABU especially as they will be staying in a hotel. It’s a big thing becoming a grandparent and not really fair to make them wait x amount of days when your own family have early access.

I understand concerns though and I wouldn’t want visits lasting longer than a couple of hours. Just take yourself and possibly baby off for a sleep and they’ll hopefully get the message and even if they don’t your partner can deal with them.

I mean you seem to be a bit uptight as you're apparently not even going to kiss your own newborn

Gosh, this thread is quite horrible in how the potential emotional and physical needs of a woman who's just had major abdominal surgery, may be getting fuck all sleep, will be at the peak of physical and emotional hormonal disruption and will be trying to establish breastfeeding are treated as so much less a priority than the emotional needs of grandparents around when they would like to meet their grandchild.

I'm not saying that the latter aren't real, or very strong emotions. It's just that the balance of relative needs seems very different to me here.

I mean you seem to be a bit uptight as you're apparently not even going to kiss your own newborn

And you either have never heard of the dangers of kissing a newborn when one is suffering from cold sores or lack reading comprehension as to the valid reason why. Newborn babies have become very ill and have died from people kissing them when they have cold sores. Their immunity is not ready for such things.

@JassyRadlett

Gosh, this thread is quite horrible in how the potential emotional and physical needs of a woman who's just had major abdominal surgery, may be getting fuck all sleep, will be at the peak of physical and emotional hormonal disruption and will be trying to establish breastfeeding are treated as so much less a priority than the emotional needs of grandparents around when they would like to meet their grandchild.

I'm not saying that the latter aren't real, or very strong emotions. It's just that the balance of relative needs seems very different to me here.

I think you've been reading a different thread. Most people have answered with OP's welfare in mind as well as the GPs, so there's been nothing "horrible" going on there. The only real disagreement between posters (not the OP) has been about whether the two sets of GPs should be treated differently from each other.

I think you've been reading a different thread. Most people have answered with OP's welfare in mind as well as the GPs, so there's been nothing "horrible" going on there. The only real disagreement between posters (not the OP) has been about whether the two sets of GPs should be treated differently from each other.

To be honest, it's in part those posts I was referring to. Horrible in the casual erasure of the OP. They may be equally grandparents to the baby but they're not equally her parents. It seems very easy to sweep aside the needs of the woman who's just had major surgery by solely focusing on the relationship to the baby, rather than to her. It's all about the grandparents and what's fair to them.

(For the record, my own parents met both my kids well after my PIL did, for good reasons. Before I'm accused of things. And with one of my kids I was chirpily welcoming visitors of all sorts on day 5; with the other it was an utter low point.)

‘ They may be equally grandparents to the baby but they're not equally her parents. It seems very easy to sweep aside the needs of the woman who's just had major surgery by solely focusing on the relationship to the baby, rather than to her. It's all about the grandparents and what's fair to them. ’

That with bells on.

It concerns me that all people are bothered about is the baby, not the mum or what she’s been through or how she may be feeling. All they’re interested in, is seeing the baby.

It doesn’t sit right with me at all. It’s so nice when you get that odd visitor that actually treats you as a human being when they come visit to the point it actually makes you well up.

This whole grandparents must meet the baby at the same time or around the same day is ridiculous. The mothers parents are there for their daughter first, not the baby.
The in laws can wait their turn when mum feels comfortable. Of course no women is going to treat their in laws the same as their actual parents whilst they’re so vulnerable and the expectation that we should is just horrible. Mostly off other women too, most of you should be ashamed.

You are the patient who's just been through major abdominal surgery. This should be your call. This is one time in life when your needs and your feelings absolutely should, and rightly, take precedent. This time is important to aid your own recovery and establish feeding, etc. I would also make it clear to my husband that I fully expected him to support me and have my back, or the consequences for him would be far more serious for upsetting me than for upsetting his parents.

Your baby isn't going anywhere. Her grandparents will be her grandparents for life; they have that lifetime to forge a bond with her. She also won't remember who sees her in the first days of her life, but it's crucially important she bonds in a calm way with her parents and especially the mother. In the scheme of things, a few days makes no difference whatsoever.

YANB in the least U.

The mothers parents are there for their daughter first, not the baby. The in laws can wait their turn when mum feels comfortable. Of course no women is going to treat their in laws the same as their actual parents whilst they’re so vulnerable and the expectation that we should is just horrible. Mostly off other women too, most of you should be ashamed.

Amen. Women count. Their feelings matter, and do not have to be brushed to one side 100% of the time so that others can feel more comfortable at our expense.

It's okay to say 'no'.

If they have never bothered to visit you in 10 years and are only now coming because of the baby, I wouldn't rush to have them to be honest. They will only be interested in baby and you will probably end up feeling resentful of them hanging around all the time, especially as you dislike the FIL.

Most people are exhausted and sore and emotional after a c section. It's a time for privacy and rest. Unless you specifically want visitors then treat it like any other major surgery. You won't want people visiting for 2 entire consecutive days. It would be completely different if they wanted to come for a couple of hours only. I would suggest they wait 2 weeks and then plan to go out and about with them rather than sit in your flat. By then you should be ok to go for walks or cafés etc.

I do think that you must not try to stop the baby's grandmother holding the baby - no kissing fair enough, but as long as grandma is a non smoker and hasn't got a cold, let her hold the baby. Obviously get the baby back if it's crying or needs a feed

@phoenixrosehere so you wouldnt kiss your new baby?

[quote LittleGwyneth]@JenniferBarkley When you say more than an hour a day - how much time per day seems reasonable? I sort of want it to just be me, DH and the baby for the first week or so, but if that's unreasonable I'd like to try and set some boundaries which are fair.[/quote]
I made the rule that I'd give my MIL the same amount of time/consideration as my own mum, they got treated the same (but visited at different times). My MIL is lovely though and I think I'm probably closer to her that you are as we see them regularly.

This is your husband's mum. She's probably sad she sees so little of her son - of course she'll want to meet her grandchild. If she's kind and practical then let her come and cuddle the baby but also maybe help you out. If it was me I'd be happy to do some washing/cooking/shopping etc. I wasn't hugely mobile 5 days after my planned section - but I had a constant stream of visitors.
The fact is - they'll be gone after 3 days and you'll be just the 3 of you lots and lots of times. For the first few weeks the chances are that your baby will only sleep and feed so having other people around isn't likely to feel such an imposition as when they're a little older.
I would let them come all day for the two days they're here and just accept it for your husband's mum desperately wanting to meet her son's firstborn.

@phoenixrosehere so you wouldnt kiss your new baby?

Not if I suffered from something that is highly contagious and could harm or kill them like OP does.

I also kissed my babies’ hair, temples, nuzzled their cheeks or touched their nose with mine because I knew of the dangers and why you’re not supposed to kiss newborn babies faces. It’s not rocket science and it has been repeated by health professionals for years on the dangers. No baby is going to feel less loved because they weren’t kissed all over their face when they were born.

I get the impression it is more because they live so far away that visiting would be an 'event'

My in-laws live in another country and are coming to stay for a few weeks either side of the birth. Yes it’s an ‘event’ as in a family reunion, and they’re staying in our home, but they’re treated very much as family members not guests. They did the same to help us move house. Eg they cook, shop, clean, help with school runs, and help themselves to food and drink (and offer to make food and drink for others too). We don’t wait on them like they’re distant friends visiting.

I set up their room with all the essentials (including spare linen and towels) and leave them to get on with it.

I’m having a c-section so they’ll bring our older DC to visit on the ward after (yes when I’m at my most vulnerable, but I’m looking forward to seeing them hold their grandchild for the first time. They missed seeing our other DC as a small baby due to visa issues so this is the first time MIL has cuddled a newborn since my DH was a baby over 40 years ago!) I trust her not to drop her or kiss her face or do anything risky.

Once home I’ll be out of action for a while (focused on baby, recovering from surgery) so PILs can help DH run the household. And believe me if your baby has colic or cries a lot it’s really helpful to have someone to hold baby so you can have a break. Or even if baby’s fine, it’s an extra pair of hands so you can shower and nap.

First time round I had my mum stay instead, and tbh we irritated each other as we’re closer. Eg she’d come into our bedroom (MIL doesn’t) and chat to me when I was half asleep then ask me why I hadn’t made the bed! And she didn’t help as much as I’d hoped.

The mother of the person giving birth will naturally want to be there for her child, this has nothing to do with being a grandparent

Not necessarily. My MIL is travelling halfway round the world to be here before the birth. My mum is too worried about covid to take a train to see us any time soon!

[quote LightDrizzle]@AngelinaFibres
God forbid your son has major surgery or a debilitating illness and wants his mum around while he recovers with stitches, constipation and leaking orifices.
It is only fair his MIL is there as much as you.

Can’t the “fair sharesies” brigade get their heads around the fact that the mother’s mum, possibly dad, is supporting their recovering child, not getting first dibs on the grandchild? Yes they may therefore be around the grandchild more as a result but that isn’t their purpose or focus.

Have they not the empathy to compass the fact that someone might feel more comfortable being tearful, knackered and sore and ratty around their own mum than they would around their partner’s mum? Our relationships with our own parents are normally more resilient than with our in-laws and less likely to be damaged permanently by stress and fatigue related snappiness or retreating to the bedroom for hours.

Thank god my in-laws weren’t like this. Thank god my daughter’s future in-laws won’t be like this. They live closer so will probably see future grandchildren more than me but I can’t imagine lovely Debbie putting her bottom lip out if DD1 needs me around more in the first weeks. I won’t be putting my bottom lip out if DD1 doesn’t need me around more in the first weeks. Our relationships with our grandchild will be the work of months and years, not a sprint to “win” the first few weeks when the baby itself is oblivious.

It’s not a competition.[/quote]
Absolutely this, in spades, all of it.

I think it’s totally fine to wait for visitors. But it would need to be all visitors, or just the in laws. You may feel totally fine and really want visitors! I would get your husband to suggest to sr you need to wait and see how you feel. Ask him to suggest morning and afternoon visits so that you’ve got space too

@FateHasRedesignedMost

The mother of the person giving birth will naturally want to be there for her child, this has nothing to do with being a grandparent

Not necessarily. My MIL is travelling halfway round the world to be here before the birth. My mum is too worried about covid to take a train to see us any time soon!

I couldn't quote both posts but your in laws sound great! I'm glad you have them. Congratulations on your impending birth (not very elegantly put but hopefully you get my drift :)), and all the very best to you and your family.

@Holly60

OP as a granny myself I can tell you that your MIL will just be delighted to be included in any way you choose. If you invite them over for an hour, she will be pleased. If you ask her to pick up some supplies on the way over, she will be delighted. If you ask her to make you a cuppa, she will feel like she is of some use. Just let them be a small part of the beginning of the journey with your new little one. There are years and years to work out the rest.

Of course you don’t have to entertain them. Get your husband to chat to them and explain how you are feeling- gently. I’m absolutely sure she will totally understand.

@Holly60 New granny here. Agree wholeheartedly with your post, and it made me cry. We’re going through a period of anguish and bewilderment as we’ve been largely excluded from our first grandchild’s life. We would have been so grateful to be included in any small way, rather than being treated as a problem that has to be held at bay. Every week we send a message asking how they are, offering to help, and saying how proud we are of them but these are usually ignored. More recently we’ve had a few phone calls and some photos so we’re hoping our daughter in law may start to allow us into her babies life, but it is so painful that her friends and family know our little grandchild so much better than we do, and have been allowed to help out in the house, send gifts, and give home cooked food, none of which we were allowed to do. We’re also not allowed to mention anything about our son’s childhood, and none of the books and toys that were important to him as a child are being given to his son. We don’t know when our grandchild started smiling, when he started cooing, or even how he was born. Heartbreaking.

Our second grandchild is due soon and we were fearful that as paternal grandparents we would be excluded again, but thankfully this daughter in law has made it clear that she would like both sets of grandparents to bond with the baby and be involved in their life, and we’ve had some lovely meet ups with our in laws to celebrate our impending joint grandchild. Bittersweet though, because we feel so close and bonded to this child, but distant from the other one even though he’s our grandson and we love him.

@LittleGwyneth
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to wait until after your baby is born before making arrangements for visitors. If you have time for a quick kind phone call before the baby arrives to reassure your in laws that they’re very much wanted in their grandchild’s life, that you’ll allow them to see the baby once things have settled down after your CSection, and that you’ll send them some photos and snippets about the baby while they’re waiting for an invite, I’m sure that would be much appreciated :)

Personally I'd invite her to stay close by while you're in hospital so that the FIL doesn't come (covid restrictions) and she can meet baby straight away, then see how things are going when you get home before arranging the next visit at maybe 2/3 weeks.

I think you are projecting on to the OP a lot. You're suggesting she calls her partner's mum, who he sees infrequently and makes some polite conversation with a couple of times a year, and 'assures' her she will be part of the baby's life? Isn't that down to the relationship that the future grandparents already have with their adult son?