It's another in-laws post birth thread

[LittleGwyneth]

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

Also pinksy, there is nothing sad about taking your time after having a baby.

Some people want visitors, some people don’t.
I’m not planning to have any this time around, I want to feel comfortable first before anyone comes to visit including mil.
I’m not unreasonable at all for that.

@pinksyco Honestly it really looks like you're trying to find things to be angry about on this thread. There are hundreds of doctors, doulas and parents online talking about why kissing babies on the face is a very, very bad idea. I'm very gung-ho about most things, but I'm allowed to set boundaries around what I feel is safe for my child.

Ironically the way you've spoken to me on this thread has made me feel more empowered to stick to my guns, so I suppose in a funny way: thank you.

My mum hasn’t met any of my children as she died before I had them.

I’m sorry to hear that.

Thank you @LittleGwyneth, I’ve lost more than just my mum and still don’t agree with people saying yabu.

At least they’re around to meet the baby when you’re ready for visitors. Not everyone is so lucky.

[quote LittleGwyneth]@merryoldgoat I get cold sores, which are very contagious before they appear on the skin. Why would I risk kissing her face or hands when she's a tiny newborn?[/quote]
With the greatest respect she will be just as vulnerable to cold sores when she’s one, two , seven or thirteen. Are you never going to kiss her? I actually think never kissing your child may be more harmful than the remote chance of a cold sore.

I agree though about other people , I never allowed my babies to be passed around like parcels .

[quote LightDrizzle]@AngelinaFibres
God forbid your son has major surgery or a debilitating illness and wants his mum around while he recovers with stitches, constipation and leaking orifices.
It is only fair his MIL is there as much as you.

Can’t the “fair sharesies” brigade get their heads around the fact that the mother’s mum, possibly dad, is supporting their recovering child, not getting first dibs on the grandchild? Yes they may therefore be around the grandchild more as a result but that isn’t their purpose or focus.

Have they not the empathy to compass the fact that someone might feel more comfortable being tearful, knackered and sore and ratty around their own mum than they would around their partner’s mum? Our relationships with our own parents are normally more resilient than with our in-laws and less likely to be damaged permanently by stress and fatigue related snappiness or retreating to the bedroom for hours.

Thank god my in-laws weren’t like this. Thank god my daughter’s future in-laws won’t be like this. They live closer so will probably see future grandchildren more than me but I can’t imagine lovely Debbie putting her bottom lip out if DD1 needs me around more in the first weeks. I won’t be putting my bottom lip out if DD1 doesn’t need me around more in the first weeks. Our relationships with our grandchild will be the work of months and years, not a sprint to “win” the first few weeks when the baby itself is oblivious.

It’s not a competition.[/quote]
Oh god ^ all of this!

The confusion of pps between wants and needs. A post-partum mum and newborn baby will have certain needs - that can’t be predicted in advance. These may include needing another adult to help the post-partum mum self-care - and that might be best served by her mum.

The wants of baby’s grandparents, aunts, cousins and Uncle Tom cobbly and all can do one. Plenty of time for all the family to meet baby and get to know them.

And the idea that this is about ‘fairness’ is toxic. Grandchildren are not playthings to share out, they are humans who will build positive relationships with people who treat them and their parents with kindness and respect.

I guess some posters are assuming the OP intends to bluntly tell her MiL she’s not welcome. I’m sure OP ‘s DH is able to kindly and respectfully help his parents understand they need to wait until after the birth to find out when is best to visit.

@LittleGwyneth were even going as far this time to say nobody is to wear perfume before they come or they won’t be holding the baby.
There’s nothing nice about cuddling with your newborn that smells of your mil after a visit.
My husband hated it more than I did.

@Staryflight445 likewise - until I came on MN I didn’t know people limited contact after having babies with such frequency (not including toxic family of course)

I also let my husband’s relative visit us in hospital although people told me I was mad but I just wanted to show him off and thought it was nice they were so keen to see the baby.

The relative died very unexpectedly the day after and we have some lovely pictures of them holding our DC.

@pinksyco Honestly it really looks like you're trying to find things to be angry about on this thread. There are hundreds of doctors, doulas and parents online talking about why kissing babies on the face is a very, very bad idea. I'm very gung-ho about most things, but I'm allowed to set boundaries around what I feel is safe for my child.

Ironically the way you've spoken to me on this thread has made me feel more empowered to stick to my guns, so I suppose in a funny way: thank you.

I’m not angry, just a bit sad about how uptight and precious most Mumsnetters are when it comes to their babies. Families don’t go on like this in other countries, it’s really all so terribly British.

No one can wear perfume if they want to cuddle your baby. Wow.
I've read some batshit stuff on MN but that takes the biscuit. Just change your child!

@Peaseblossum22 newborn babies can die because of being kissed by someone who had a cold sore.

We’re you aware of that?

@Hercisback it’s always rather strong, a change of clothes/ wash never got rid of the smell.

@Peaseblossum22 I'm not worried about her getting cold sores, she will inevitably have the infection in her system at some point, like the vast majority of people in the UK. But neonatal herpes is very different from getting a cold sore in childhood, it can easily lead to meningitis. You have to be really careful with the HSV virus in very early childhood. Once they're older it's much, much less of a risk.

@Pinksyco interesting that you've assumed we are British!

People aren’t limiting contact @Merryoldgoat they’re just prioritising their recovery and mental health.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

YANBU. Seriously OP. Give DWIL a look there are 100s of posts just like yours. Most of the posters there recommend waiting 6 weeks until you are in the routine as it were. And may I add please read The Lemon Clot Essay. Lots of helpful advice. The baby won't "go off" if they have to wait a month.

[quote LittleGwyneth]@JenniferBarkley When you say more than an hour a day - how much time per day seems reasonable? I sort of want it to just be me, DH and the baby for the first week or so, but if that's unreasonable I'd like to try and set some boundaries which are fair.[/quote]
You are not being unreasonable OP. My DS1 was born 5 days before Christmas. PIL were meant to arrive on Christmas Eve, and leave on Boxing Day. However, they turned up the day after I gave birth and stayed with us until after the new year. Like you I didn’t really know them that well and while I was in a lot of discomfort and very emotional they didn’t respect any boundaries and in the end I holed up in my bedroom with my son, just so I could breastfeed in peace. FIL thought he was wonderful each time he put DS to sleep, without any thought that I needed to bf and that my boobs were in agony. As a result I have horrible memories of what should have been a lovely bonding time with DP and DS1. Much to say when DS2 was born, DP made sure we didn’t have a repeat performance.

You are entitled to as much time as you think you need without anyone trying to lay a guilt trip on you. Whatever you decide, they will just need to suck it up, it may be their first DGC but it’s your first DC and that should always take priority.

That sounds suffocating without adding post birth and a newborn into the mix @Eightiesfan

Wait till you’ve had the baby, then decide. No need to make a decision now. I would have hated having people I was not close to in the house for several hours per day when I was 5 days post C section, especially if they wanted to hold the baby a lot and I didn’t feel comfortable feeding in front of them. One person’s ‘helpful’ is another person’s ‘suffocating’.

@LittleGwyneth you are right to be concerned about coldsores. I had a no kissing rule too (except on top of head) and now DS is older he certainly doesn't want to be kissed. FWIW I had a few of breakouts when DS was 1-3 and GP was very helpful and prescribed me tablets to manage/reduce the time of breakouts. Her view was that there was no need to necessarily pass on coldsores

Absolutely agree. Don’t try to pre plan too much. Impossible as you just can’t know how you will feel mentally or physically which of course has to take priority. If they are decent people (which to be fair they do sound) they will respect that. Our mothers generation got 2 weeks of bed rest in hospital after a baby!

Agree with Puppyhorse I meant

@2022HereWeCome thank you - I am super relaxed about most things, will eat food that's been on the floor etc, but I just don't think cold sores are something to be chilled about. I will speak to my GP about getting some tablets (I think it's Aciclovir?), thanks for the suggestion. I've also got a heat/light therapy pen which has been miraculous in getting rid of them faster.

@Puppyseahorse I think my main learning today is that I'm trying to plan for / control a situation which hasn't arisen yet, and that we really do need to play it by ear. I'm v grateful for the collective wisdom!

@Silvercatowner

Granny here. I would have been upset had there been 'boundaries' set. I saw my first grandchild (son's child) at 3 days old and will be looking after that grandchild when their sister is born. Don't underestimate how much help and support grandparents can provide. We have our grandchild to sleep over quite regularly and my son and daughter in law really appreciate that. If boundaries are set for grandparents, then you risk those grandparents setting boundaries when parents might need some support down the line.

I'm sorry but I'm afraid mother comes first here, especially a mother in such a vulnerable state after major surgery. She will want her own mother over her MIL to care for HER after her surgery as well as meet her baby. Grannies have their whole lives to meet their grand children. Your post sounds almost threatening.You sound like a classic paternal grandmother and a nightmare at that.