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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's another in-laws post birth thread

434 replies

LittleGwyneth · 22/03/2022 10:12

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

OP posts:

Staryflight445 · 22/03/2022 15:34

‘PinkSyCo

But throw in a baby on top of the surgery (that op is now responsible for looking after in addition to recovering herself) and all of a sudden she's not allowed to advocate for her own well being?!

Well yeah the baby is rather the point. I mean who’s going to want to meet your gall stones or amputated leg after surgery to remove them? hmm’

No, you’d want to make sure the person having an operation was ok first and foremost.
Not be selfish and just want to meet a cute little baby before the person being operated on has had chance to settle down and feel up for it first.
As long as you get your newborn cuddle fix though hey 🙄

PinkSyCo · 22/03/2022 15:35

@PinkSyCo Yes, that's exactly what I'm worrying about. I do actually know these people, and it's totally within the realms of possibility, which is why I wanted to ask what a reasonable amount of time per day to set for visiting would be.

Well then that’s a different kettle of fish, and your DH will need to tell them that you don’t feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of them in that case.

Original poster

LittleGwyneth · 22/03/2022 15:37

@pinksyco We only have four rooms in our flat - bathroom, our bedroom, baby room and kitchen-living room. If they come to the flat for eight hours both days that means I've got to spend any feeding time - which I'm told is probably going to be half an hour in every two hours, alone in the bedroom. That doesn't seem like a good plan either? Which is why I think waiting longer until feeding is established, or telling them that it'll have to be an hour long visit a couple of times a day might be a good idea.

OP posts:

Thedogscollar · 22/03/2022 15:38

@JenniferBarkley

Gently, YABU. That's their grandchild, and their son's baby. Welcome them, for more than an hour a day, and preserve the relationship. Remember they are equal grandparents and just as excited as your side. Waiting five days when they're a car drive away seems like a long time to me.

You've said they're nice, they're staying in a hotel. I've had two sections and was fine with visitors. Unless they're assholes no one will expect much of you and if it all gets too much just bring the baby to your room for a feed. Your husband can be on tea duty.

One of my loveliest memories is of MIL meeting my first in the hospital. She asked if she could pick the baby up and when I said of course the joy lit up her face. She's a fantastic grandmother and my children adore her. I would hate to have put roadblocks in their relationship.

It might be a long few days, but you can do it and it will be worth it in the long run. Don't take MN as the norm, you're going to get a thread full of horror stories but you've no reason to think your ILs will be like that and in most families everyone just rubs along.

What a lovely sensible post. As a first time grandmother it is such a huge milestone for all the family.

Your Mil sounds lovely. Welcome her and let her help around the house and cuddle her dgc whilst she is visiting.

I'm sure you will be glad of her input.
Hope the birth goes well and enjoy being a Mum.

PinkSyCo · 22/03/2022 15:38

No, you’d want to make sure the person having an operation was ok first and foremost.
Not be selfish and just want to meet a cute little baby before the person being operated on has had chance to settle down and feel up for it first.
As long as you get your newborn cuddle fix though hey 🙄

So you wouldn’t let your mother visit your newborn baby for 2 weeks or more until you’ve ‘settled down.’ How sad.

PinkSyCo · 22/03/2022 15:46

@pinksyco We only have four rooms in our flat - bathroom, our bedroom, baby room and kitchen-living room. If they come to the flat for eight hours both days that means I've got to spend any feeding time - which I'm told is probably going to be half an hour in every two hours, alone in the bedroom. That doesn't seem like a good plan either? Which is why I think waiting longer until feeding is established, or telling them that it'll have to be an hour long visit a couple of times a day might be a good idea.

I very much doubt feeding will be established in two weeks either though. I do think letting the in-laws know that more than a couple of hours visiting per day will be too much for you is fair enough though.

Theflamingnerd · 22/03/2022 15:47

@PinkSyCo

No, you’d want to make sure the person having an operation was ok first and foremost. *Not be selfish and just want to meet a cute little baby before the person being operated on has had chance to settle down and feel up for it first. As long as you get your newborn cuddle fix though hey 🙄*

So you wouldn’t let your mother visit your newborn baby for 2 weeks or more until you’ve ‘settled down.’ How sad.

Your own mum and MIL are not the same though.

Post C section I was mangled so badly I couldn't get in and out of the shower on my own. My mum was there with me every day to help me shower and clean my wound. I wouldn't dream of letting MIL do the same, no way would I be comfortable with her seeing me undressed.

My mum was visiting for me, whereas if MIL came she'd be visiting for only the baby.

MotherofAutism · 22/03/2022 15:51

@LittleGwyneth

To clarify, if there was an option for them to come to the hospital, meet the baby and then go home, and then visit a week or so later, I would be delighted with that.

The issue is that it's going to be a compacted amount of time and the idea of having people in my four room flat (one bathroom) for 5-6 hours a day is making me feel very uncomfortable. I'm trying to get a sense of whether we can reasonably say, please pop in for an hour or two a couple of times a day for 2-3 days, but that's as much as we're up to.

@MsTSwift I don't think the idea of having some boundaries is that wild. I've already told my family that I don't want to pass the baby around, no-one kissing her.

😧 No one holding her, no one kissing her??? With absolute respect OP, you're not giving birth to an unexplored bomb or the baby Jesus.....

Relax. Everything will be fine. These are your husband's mum & dad. They're about to become grandparents, they're excited.

PinkSyCo · 22/03/2022 15:51

Aww that made we well up a bit. You sound lovely/normal, which is so refreshing to see on here when it comes to in-law threads.

MotherofAutism · 22/03/2022 15:51

@Chippingin2

We didn't see anyone for two weeks and it was wonderful.

Sceptre86 · 22/03/2022 15:52

I have the opposite situation in that my inlaws live 10 minutes away and my parents and siblings 4 hours away. With my older two my parents came for a flying visit, would come see me and baby at hospital and then go home the same day. My inlaws have previously seen the baby straight away (we lived with them), this time covid meant mil couldn't visit at the hospital but she came to see my most recent baby the day I came from hospital for a few hours, that was day 3. My mum and dad came on day 4 with two of my siblings, they spent the night at ours (we have our own home now) and left the next day. My mum stocked my freezer full of meals for us and our children. They cooked food and bought it with them, I had said I would cook but my mum wanted me to rest (3rd section, second emergency) and she knew my dh would be busy taking care of our 5 and 4 year old. In all honesty I'd let the inlaws come. They aren't staying very long and you don't need to entertain them, once baby is fed pass him or her to them and go to sleep. As for meals, get takeaways whilst they are over and get their son to make teas or they can help themselves. If you think it will be too much of an imposition ask them to wait two weeks. I'll be honest though I had very few visitors that were as kind or caring as my parents, everyone else turned up when they wanted and expected feeding dinner.

JenniferBarkley · 22/03/2022 15:52

Oh FFS, again, no one is saying the MIL needs to help OP in the shower. We're saying that granny should be allowed to meet her new grandchild, have a cuddle and not be turfed out on the stroke of 60 minutes.

Honestly OP, it will be fine. I think you posted earlier about them coming for a couple of hours in the morning and again in the afternoon and I think that will be perfect. Ask them to text when they're leaving the hotel so you can get to the loo and sort yourself out before they arrive, and park yourself on the sofa. Have your DH ready to kick them out if they outstay their welcome, but do give them a real welcome!

A new baby is a step change in the relationship with PIL I find, don't go into this with the assumption that that will be for the worse.

HelloDarla · 22/03/2022 15:52

[quote LittleGwyneth]@pinksyco We only have four rooms in our flat - bathroom, our bedroom, baby room and kitchen-living room. If they come to the flat for eight hours both days that means I've got to spend any feeding time - which I'm told is probably going to be half an hour in every two hours, alone in the bedroom. That doesn't seem like a good plan either? Which is why I think waiting longer until feeding is established, or telling them that it'll have to be an hour long visit a couple of times a day might be a good idea.[/quote]
These people will be a big part of your life going forward. Just be honest and open with them. They're your husbands parents. They're not strangers, they're not random visitors. They're family. Yes, I get that means different things to different people but MIL sounds like quite a nice person tbh, and she has raised children herself so has been where you are, you have a shared experience.

You may as well start off now being honest and open with them.

If you were to tell them, ok you can come but I would appreciate if you only popped in for an hour or so, perhaps twice a day while you're here. Tell them that would be the plan, and if they don't want to do it and would prefer to come for 8 hours a day and sit there, then tell them that's not possible.

I 100% believe you need to set boundaries. But I also think you're making a lot of assumptions about their behaviour, and the assumptions are all the worst case scenario for you. you may as well be open and honest with them now as this will ease the stress once the baby is born.

Is there a reason why you wouldn't want to tell them to come, and say how you're limiting visits to an hour or so at a time?

Sceptre86 · 22/03/2022 15:54

I know it's contrary to the opinions of most on mumsnet but I wouldn't hold the inlaws at arms length they are excited to see their grandchild and by staying in a hotel seem quite thoughtful already.

ILoveYou3000 · 22/03/2022 15:55

You are being very nasty to your in laws who will no doubt want to see their grandchild for more than an hour before being kicked out

But it's not about them. It's about a woman who has just undergone major abdominal surgery. Her own parents won't be staying longer than an hour or two.

In the early days it shouldn't be about 'equality' between grandparents. More often than not the maternal grandma is there for her daughter, not the baby and for a woman recovering from major surgery and adjusting to the huge life change a baby brings she needs to be comfortable.

I wouldn't care if my mum saw me greasy-haired, covered in baby sick and wearing mismatched pjs cos I'd leaked so much during the night/that day. I would care if my MiL who I barely knew saw me that way, so would need to prepare myself and start off with shorter visits until I'd found my feet and felt more comfortable.

It sounds like OP is trying to figure out what's fair for everyone, she really isn't being nasty or cruel.

PinkSyCo · 22/03/2022 15:59

Your own mum and MIL are not the same though.

My mum was visiting for me, whereas if MIL came she'd be visiting for only the baby.

I get that, but it’s not the MIL’s fault that she’s not related by blood to the birth giver is it? It doesn’t change the fact that she shares the same amount of blood with your baby as your own mum does and it’s very natural that she wants to visit the child asap. Even if you didn’t need practical help you wouldn’t make your mum wait weeks to visit I’m sure of it.

beachcitygirl · 22/03/2022 16:00

I would not allow any visitors at all at home (even your own mum ) for at least a week, maybe 2 weeks, and enjoy precious baby moon family time. I totally get this & you're going through a major op & will be sore & bleeding & want to establish bf etc

If they want to visit in hospital which has strict visiting hours & regimes, fine

But

(And it's a big but) if you allow your own parents it would be utterly wrong to not allow dh parents the same. You should absolutely strive for treating delighted new grandparents equally.

So it's a choice, them all or none.

Original poster

LittleGwyneth · 22/03/2022 16:01

@MotherofAutism I don't think my baby is special in any way, but no-one is going to kiss her on the hands, head or face, and if they do they will not hold her again ever, full stop. The no kissing rule 100% includes me, my husband, literally everyone.

No-one needs to kiss a baby to enjoy meeting them. It's an incredibly easy way to avoid RSV and meningitis from cold sores (which a lot of the family get).

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleGwyneth · 22/03/2022 16:02

@ILoveYou3000 Exactly as you put it. TBH I wouldn't want my dad around if I was boobs out, wearing pyjamas, totally vulnerable. So the grandparent equality isn't mine vs his, it's my mum vs everyone else in the world.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 22/03/2022 16:04

@LittleGwyneth

You’re not going to kiss your baby?!

I honestly don’t know what the fuck goes on in some people’s heads.

JenniferBarkley · 22/03/2022 16:06

OP, you will definitely want to kiss your baby. When that little being is snuggled up under your chin it will be the most natural thing in the world to kiss the top of their head. It is vanishingly unlikely you will do them any harm at all unless you have an active coldsore.

I think you're coming out with a lot of the new baby tropes I see a lot online but never in person. Take a step back from the internet and trust your instincts, don't see disaster around every turn. It's hard enough with a new baby, don't create problems before they arise.

Original poster

LittleGwyneth · 22/03/2022 16:07

@merryoldgoat I get cold sores, which are very contagious before they appear on the skin. Why would I risk kissing her face or hands when she's a tiny newborn?

OP posts:

Staryflight445 · 22/03/2022 16:09

@PinkSyCo

So you wouldn’t let your mother visit your newborn baby for 2 weeks or more until you’ve ‘settled down.’ How sad.

My mum hasn’t met any of my children as she died before I had them.

Original poster

LittleGwyneth · 22/03/2022 16:10

@Starlight86 I'm so sorry for your loss.

OP posts:

PinkSyCo · 22/03/2022 16:10

@LittleGwyneth

You’re not going to kiss your baby?!

I honestly don’t know what the fuck goes on in some people’s heads.

I wonder if a handshake is allowed. After putting on some surgical gloves of course.

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