Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partners mum wants our baby to call her mama? AIBU?

362 replies

Lily1992 · 22/03/2022 07:13

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?

OP posts:
PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 13:36

@LindaEllen

I understand how you feel, but I also think it would be odd if your child didn't call her the same thing as its cousins.
I understand how you feel but.... No, no buts. How the mother feels is the number one priority above all.

No, it wouldn't be 'odd' at all, it would be different. Just as one cousin calls another cousin and nickname that the other cousins don't. Not odd at all.

It is also not the OP's fault her partner's mother set it up deliberately so everyone calls her that. We don't take away a mothers rights as a mother just because a grandmother is called something by everyone else. The mother still has veto and her feelings and wishes trump the grandmother's.

1983sgfhmki · 22/03/2022 13:37

@RaininSummer

Unless you want to be called mama I would go with flow here as it's better if your child uses the same name as other GC. I would find it unusual but only because we are always nans in our family.
Surely all toddlers start off by calling their mother "mama"???
Suedomin · 22/03/2022 13:38

I don't understand why it upsets you? It's not mummy and its doesn't sound as though she wants to pretend she is the baby's mother. If her other grandchildren call her that I don't see the issue. I have heard other children call their grandma Mama and it's obvious that it's a word for grandma not mummy.
Unless you want the baby to call you mama then of course it would be different.

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 13:40

How the mother feels is the number one priority above all.

No. How the parents feel are priority. And the dad wants it to happen.

Owwlie · 22/03/2022 13:42

The name itself wouldn’t bother me too much if it was pronounced differently, but this They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion would be a huge warning sign to me.

I would not be having a child with someone who, along with his family, made decisions which they would not be even prepared to discuss with me.

Merrymouse · 22/03/2022 13:43

No. How the parents feel are priority. And the dad wants it to happen

Then it’s the same as when a parent can veto a name that the other parent wants.

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 13:45

@Merrymouse

No. How the parents feel are priority. And the dad wants it to happen

Then it’s the same as when a parent can veto a name that the other parent wants.

And that's why the fact he's saying it not open for discussion is the red flag - not what his mom wants.

I think the name is fine. Other parts of the behaviour are not.

Broads93 · 22/03/2022 13:46

This is pure weird behavior.

Karatema · 22/03/2022 13:52

@Lily1992

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?
The DGC won't be confused. My DC called my DMiL "Grandma", my DBiL's DC called her "Nan". Definitely no confusion.
Thatswhyimacat · 22/03/2022 14:02

If their cousins all use it then they are going to end up saying it anyway.

HOWEVER anyone who told me anything was not up for discussion would be told to permanently get lost, and that it wasn't up for discussion. That is a red flag phrase that I couldn't ever get past.

BanjoKnockers · 22/03/2022 14:07

Honestly, does it really matter? Why ever do you think it does? Your child is not going to get confused about who gave birth to it. This just seems like some controlling possessiveness.

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 14:10

@BanjoKnockers

Honestly, does it really matter? Why ever do you think it does? Your child is not going to get confused about who gave birth to it. This just seems like some controlling possessiveness.
@BanjoKnockers Of course it matters! OP is being told she has no agency as a mother! Can't you see that? Can't you see that it is the controlling possessiveness of her partner and his mother? Re-read the OP's posts again, she is being oppressed, by her controlling possessive partner and his mother. You have it completely back to front and exactly the opposite way around.
BanjoKnockers · 22/03/2022 14:18

Hi @PinaColada123456
Re-read the OP's posts again, she is being oppressed, by her controlling possessive partner and his mother.
I don't think we're going to agree on this, no matter how many times we read @Lily1992's post! She wants to interfere in the relationship between child and grandmother. She is not being oppressed in any way. By "agency" I think you must mean her right to control all aspects of her child's life. I think that's unhealthy.

Motherland101 · 22/03/2022 14:20

@Alondra we have a set of grandparents in Hungary. Mama & Papa are standard there for grandparents and we always refer to them by that name in English too - it's what they are called and I never thought anything of it. I also Certainly does not bother me or takes anything away from me as the Mother.

Certainly not coming from the US slang, I personally not heard that before.

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 14:24

@BanjoKnockers

Hi *@PinaColada123456* Re-read the OP's posts again, she is being oppressed, by her controlling possessive partner and his mother. I don't think we're going to agree on this, no matter how many times we read *@Lily1992*'s post! She wants to interfere in the relationship between child and grandmother. She is not being oppressed in any way. By "agency" I think you must mean her right to control all aspects of her child's life. I think that's unhealthy.
@BanjoKnockers Her right to make decisions about her child as a mother. Her partner and his mother both are telling her SHE has no choice, she has no say. Only they have a say, she has none and must accept it. They are dangerous control freaks. If you can't see that telling a mother what the male and his mum says goes and she has no right, no say, and must put up and shut up, if you can't see that, then, I don't know what to say. It's clearly abuse, and no one has the right to tell a mother she has no right to make decisions, only the male does.
LBFseBrom · 22/03/2022 14:27

Op, you are not even pregnant at the moment. Think about it when you are.

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 14:27

@BanjoKnockers At the very least it's not an equal partnership if the male says the mother has no say at all, what he says goes. She is the MOTHER. She has at least equal say as he. No one should tell a mother she has no say in the upbringing of her child. The OP is not living in Afghanistan.

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 14:29

@LBFseBrom

Op, you are not even pregnant at the moment. Think about it when you are.
Or rather, don't get pregnant at all to the abusive controlling partner and get tied to his equally abusive controlling family. Run now as far away as she can. No one has the right to tell a mother she can't make decisions about her own child!
Blackberrybunnet · 22/03/2022 14:35

@JustMarriedBecca

I think the Grandmother gets to decide what to be called. Unless it's Mummy (which is weird) I don't think marmar if said in an European way is that unusual. Like someone has said above, she'll know you are her mother. Not a hill to die on, particularly if you aren't the first siblings to have children.

My MIL wanted to be Granny like my Mum so I just refer to her as Granny Name.

What she said. Grandmother gets to decide.
gogohm · 22/03/2022 14:41

I'm with you, my children call me mama (they are adults) find it weird for a grandmother to demand this title. Nanna is the cute grandmother title

gogohm · 22/03/2022 14:44

@Suedomin

I get why it would upset her, mama is a normal shortening for mother in English and many European countries. Very common in America too. My kids call me mama, and their dad is papa

tkwal · 22/03/2022 14:45

In my family we get called Granny or Nanny, males usually grandad or gaga by the younger ones. Our parents are granny name or granda name, although they only have one great grandparent still living. If the grandmother in question insists on mama then YOU insist on it being Mama Grandmother's name. That avoids any confusion over who is who

SirChenjins · 22/03/2022 14:46

Or rather, don't get pregnant at all to the abusive controlling partner and get tied to his equally abusive controlling family. Run now as far away as she can. No one has the right to tell a mother she can't make decisions about her own child

This in spades - otherwise Granny will decide everything and your DH will ensure you go along with it by shutting down any discussion.

Wedonttalkaboutrats · 22/03/2022 14:49

The mn world has gone nuts!
How, how are people getting ‘controlling and abusive’ from this??
My DH and I are from different cultures. His mum gets to be called their traditional name for a grandma and my mum gets to be called by our tradition name. I would find it controlling if my DH said ‘my’ mum couldn’t be called what she wanted and I would be controlling if I vetoed his preference for ‘his’ mum.
This has all just got too weird.

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 14:52

@Wedonttalkaboutrats the controlling comments come from him saying it's not up for discussion and people like to throw 'abusive' round like confetti.

I think they need to both behave like adults and have an actual conversation and if they can't do that they shouldn't have children.