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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partners mum wants our baby to call her mama? AIBU?

362 replies

Lily1992 · 22/03/2022 07:13

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 12:03

For those saying grandma shouldn't get to choose, can you imagine if someone posted here that she'd asked her MIL to call her Sue but MIL insisted on calling her Susanna because she likes it better?

Merrymouse · 22/03/2022 12:05

@girlmom21

For those saying grandma shouldn't get to choose, can you imagine if someone posted here that she'd asked her MIL to call her Sue but MIL insisted on calling her Susanna because she likes it better?
I imagine she would get to choose a name that doesn’t mean ‘mother’ to most of the world.
MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 22/03/2022 12:08

God no, put a stop to that. Just because it's their family tradition doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

The hazard of marrying a mummy's boy...

Lou98 · 22/03/2022 12:17

@Merrymouse it doesn't matter what "the rest of the world" think - as evidenced by this thread, a lot of people use mama for their Gran so it's more common than you'd think.

People have different names for their grandparents, it shouldn't matter what other people do just their family.
My Stepdad is Italian, my Mum is Scottish, they live in Scotland. They had a child together and my Sister calls my stepdads parents Nonna/Nonno because that's what they use in their family, it doesn't matter that it's not common in Scotland as they know what it means.

Why should he compromise? There's no reason why she can't be called Mama when that's what his family do, just as the OP's family can go by whatever they're used to.

I agree that the OP needs to decide if it's a deal breaker for her or not before they conceive a baby but I do think it's unreasonable saying he can't use his family's tradition because to you and some others it isn't the 'normal' for the word

DanielRicciardosSmile · 22/03/2022 12:19

Don't grandparent's usually choose what they'd like to be called? MIL was Mammar as she was to all her other grandchildren, DM is Grandma, and DF was Grandpa. DS certainly has never been confused by any of it.

It would never in a million years have occurred to me that I should have stamped some kind of authority over their personal choice.

ChloeHel · 22/03/2022 12:19

What about Grandmama?

DanielRicciardosSmile · 22/03/2022 12:20

Rogue apostrophe there is autocorrect's fault, not mine honest!

LightDrizzle · 22/03/2022 12:24

Grandparents get to choose but parents have right of veto.

My mum wanted “Mama” but I kicked that into the long grass. In her case she was obsessed with being too young to be a grandma (at 55) and struggled with it a bit. She ended up with a different non-granny name of her choice but one that didn’t sound like mum, mummy or mama!
Nobody could EVER believe she was the grandma, they assumed she was the mother (according to her, for the next 3 years) GrinWink

Rosebel · 22/03/2022 12:32

No way I'd let my children refer to any grandparent as mama
There are lots of other names she can have and it's your child, your choice.
I don't agree it's confusing if different children call grandmother different names. My children call my mum granny but my nephews call her grandma. No big deal we all know who they're talking to /about.

Merrymouse · 22/03/2022 12:33

it doesn't matter what "the rest of the world" think - as evidenced by this thread, a lot of people use mama for their Gran so it's more common than you'd think.

It does if you are the person having to explain for the 1000th time that your child is actually referring to their grandmother.

crosstalk · 22/03/2022 12:36

Interestingly it might be an old Viking/Swedish tradition.

So you call your maternal grandparents mormor or morfar, and your paternal grandparents farmor and farfar. I can see that would persist in the Midlands and North East.

Perhaps OP could explain that to her MIL. With DC I was Mum until they reached 5 and afterwards used my first name, and always used my mother's first name.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/03/2022 12:44

@Lily1992

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?
"They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion" Big red flag.

"He’s a mummy’s boy"
Even bigger red flag.

Bottom line, 'mama' means mother not grandmother. You are the only person entitled to be called mama or any other variant of mother that you wish. You are not comfortable with their request, and that is all that matters. He and his family saying "it’s not open to discussion" makes their request a demand. As a rule, demands should be rejected as compliance tends to encourage more demands. I strongly advise that you not give into this demand.

Take a step back from the detail of this situation and look at the big picture. His mother demands obedience from all her adult children and is used to getting her own way (other grandchildren call her mama). Replace "mummy's boy" with "adult trained since childhood to be compliant to his mother's demands" and you're getting closer to the truth. And ask yourself this question - Do you want to live the rest of your life complying to his mother's demands, regardless of what you want? Because I have to say that there's a strong indication that that could be how it will be. Your boyfriend is siding with his mother against you. That is how it will be.

Put trying for a baby on hold for a bit, and sort out whether you want to bring a child into this family, and be aware that if you do, what she wants will be what happensSad.

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 12:45

@Merrymouse

it doesn't matter what "the rest of the world" think - as evidenced by this thread, a lot of people use mama for their Gran so it's more common than you'd think.

It does if you are the person having to explain for the 1000th time that your child is actually referring to their grandmother.

Generally people won't use family pet names when talking to their friends or acquaintances. You wouldn't have a conversation about 'mommy', 'mama', 'nanny' or 'gran'.
Merrymouse · 22/03/2022 12:45

Generally people won't use family pet names when talking to their friends or acquaintances. You wouldn't have a conversation about 'mommy', 'mama', 'nanny' or 'gran'.

Children do.

ZealAndArdour · 22/03/2022 12:49

As a PP has said, totally normal in the midlands to call a grandma “mamma” but pronounced “mom-mar”.

SirChenjins · 22/03/2022 12:52

Hell no - she’s not mama, mum, mom, mummy or any other derivative of mother.

I’d be very wary of having children with this man unless you move very far away from his family, lay down the law right now and probably cause a family feud, or refuse to have anything to do with her - otherwise you’re going to end up being dictated to by her for the rest of her life while he simpers on the sidelines.

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 12:57

@Merrymouse

Generally people won't use family pet names when talking to their friends or acquaintances. You wouldn't have a conversation about 'mommy', 'mama', 'nanny' or 'gran'.

Children do.

Not without context they don't. I don't recall a child ever talking to me about a relative without me understanding who they're on about.
Lou98 · 22/03/2022 12:57

@Merrymouse it's a simple "that's what he/she calls their Gran" if people don't know. It's really not that big a deal when it's something that's important to their other Parent

Merrymouse · 22/03/2022 13:01

[quote Lou98]@Merrymouse it's a simple "that's what he/she calls their Gran" if people don't know. It's really not that big a deal when it's something that's important to their other Parent[/quote]
I think it’s like children’s names. There is a right of veto.

Merrymouse · 22/03/2022 13:06

Not without context they don't. I don't recall a child ever talking to me about a relative without me understanding who they're on about.

In my experience children say loads of things with no context whatsoever, however, the fact that you would be happy with this use doesn’t change the fact that the OP isn’t.

spacehardware · 22/03/2022 13:06

@SirChenjins

Hell no - she’s not mama, mum, mom, mummy or any other derivative of mother.

I’d be very wary of having children with this man unless you move very far away from his family, lay down the law right now and probably cause a family feud, or refuse to have anything to do with her - otherwise you’re going to end up being dictated to by her for the rest of her life while he simpers on the sidelines.

I completely agree with this.
Onlyhuman123 · 22/03/2022 13:14

my first born couldn't pronounce 'grandma' and it came out as 'manmar' for both my mum and my MIL. As he and then my daughter grew older it progressed to 'Mama' for my mum. For MIL it was Grandma. Think MIL was a bit sniffy about that but shrugs it's what the kids chose to do as they got older. Helped differentiate who they were talking about.

LindaEllen · 22/03/2022 13:22

I understand how you feel, but I also think it would be odd if your child didn't call her the same thing as its cousins.

Elleinad0 · 22/03/2022 13:29

@Porcupineintherough

It's not just HER child though, is it *@Elleinad0*, it's also her partners and this is his family tradition.

OP it's up to you whether this your hill to die on. What do you want your child to call you, that's what it most important. Your child will know you are mum no matter what they call their grandmother- their heart will not be confused. In the end they will ultimately decide what they call their grandmother (and may ultimately go with mama if that's what all their cousins use) but you can always refer to her as granny or whatever. Not much you can do about what your partner calls her, or what she calls herself.

I know it's not just her child.

Equally, the it's not the grandparents child. It's their grandchild, so why would the grandmother choose to be called 'mama, she is not their mum, mummy, mother, mama.

The biggest red flag is that it's 'not up for discussion' which for me, made my opinion stronger. It sounds controlling and she wants to be called 'Mama' to be authoritative. She's already demanding things and saying things aren't for discussion before the child has even been conceived.

I'd run a mile, OP.

Poppy92r · 22/03/2022 13:32

Just something to think about.... It might be particularly embarrassing if you take to task on this only to be faced with a toddler saying Mama because his cousins do, you saying no and then the toddler going into a full meltdown 'but I wanna call her Mama'.
Then having to watch your MIL do a gleeful 'told you so' look.

I think a pp came up with a good compromise of Grandmama. At least in your home thats how you can refer to her?