My partners mum wants our baby to call her mama? AIBU?

[Lily1992]

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?

@Lifeismeh

I don’t understand why people say all the grandkids will get confused. My mum has five - two call her nana, one calls her gran (same house) and two (mine) call her grandma. There’s no confusion, because they all know who she is.

This.

I don't understand the confusion either. Nan, nana, gran, grandma...they are great names to be called when you are a grandmother.

There’s no confusion, because they all know who she is

She also knows who she is and is comfortable in her role. She is not trying to be a second mother by proxy.

My fil wanted to be Papa but the grandchildren couldn't pronounce it and call him Pompom. Maybe you could change Mama to Meemee or something similar.

My DC call me Mama, even now they're 8 and 10 (I didn't suggest it, it just evolved over the years). I love it and for that reason I wouldn't want MIL or DM to use it. I also don't associate Mama with a grandparent role, it's more along the lines of Mum, Mummy etc and I would assume that person was the Mother, not the Grandparent. Just my opinion though.

@Wedonttalkaboutrats

So mil has a tradition where grandmothers are called Mama. All her other grandchildren call her this. And people are telling you to leave your dp over this. What planet is everyone on? 🙄

Maybe you should read the last paragraph of the OPs initial post.

They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion

The OP has not say in what her baby will call her grandmother. It's all decided by her partner's family and no one gives a fuck about how she feels.

@luxxlisbon

Also to me this isn’t what you want as mum vs what MIL wants - it is mum vs dad since your partner called his grandmother this and wants to continue it. The MIL thing is a red herring because mumsnet hate MILs. You don’t always get to dictate everything as mother and your partner doesn’t get to dictate everything as father, it is about compromise. Is this so important that your child doesn’t say this that it overrides the importance of it to your partner? Also bare in mind the reality is if all the GC say this then your child is likely to copy when they are old enough anyway.

Totally agree that the MIL vs DIL thing is a red herring. It’s really clear the boyfriend wants his children to call his mum what he called his grandmother. It’s a family tradition that is obviously important to HIM, the potential (?!) child’s father.

He surely gets a say in this.

Also - for posters all saying you dictated what your children call their grandparents - I do find that really quite odd. Fine to have a discussion about it, but to just tell someone- this is your name now… very strange. I wonder how you will feel when it happens to you?

From what everyone has said - it’s not ‘mama’ as in mother, it’s pronounced quite differently. OP if you really really can’t accept this name, then you need to chat to your boyfriend about it and find out if it’s something he can compromise on. It might be that he says no he can’t, in which case you probably shouldn’t have a baby together.

Couldn't get worked up about this at all. In the great scheme of things, does it really matter?

My MIL tried to enforce (a perfectly fine) non-usual name for herself, and ended up getting called by her first name instead (I participated in the non-usual name, DC1 just wasn't having any of it)

On the other hand, PIL tried to get a nickname I hated off the ground, and I just didn't use it, and it died a death.

As the child's mother, and probably primary carer, you have not-insignificant influence here. If you don't like it, just don't use it, and the chances are the child won't either.

I think once someone has grandchildren all the other grandchildren tend to follow the same naming pattern - otherwise it does get weird

If the family have always used Mama for the grandmother she's probably always imagined being called that

My husband used to call his Grandfather Daddo, and said that's what he'd assumed he'd be called if our children have children of their own

One thing I found weird on his other side was his grandmother was Nan, and his greatgrandmother (her mother) was Gran, after her mother died (aged 102) she changed signing her christmas card to Gran - like the eldest grandmother was Gran, step down was Nan

My grandfather was Pappy - for reasons I don't know, but my elder cousin called him that so the rest of us followed

Honestly, once the baby is born your partner and his family are going to encourage them to call his Mum mama, I don't think it sounds like saying you're not happy with it will change that so you do need to decide if it's a deal breaker for you or not with trying for a baby (and also find out if there is other things you disagree on).

Personally I don't see the problem, when we had our Son we gave both sets of Grandparents the choice of what they wanted to be called. I could get it if she wanted the baby to call her Mum or Mummy etc but after their first words most people don't get called mama by their baby so I don't think it's that weird and as you can see from this thread, it is quite a common name for a Gran. There is a slight pronunciation difference although it is subtle

Read some of the threads on here about mummy's boys. Then don't have a baby with him.

Whether or not people in the Midlands call their grandmothers ‘mama’ is irrelevant, because clearly the OP isn’t from the Midlands and lives elsewhere, and for most of the rest of the world ‘mama’ means mother.

@Merrymouse

Whether or not people in the Midlands call their grandmothers ‘mama’ is irrelevant, because clearly the OP isn’t from the Midlands and lives elsewhere, and for most of the rest of the world ‘mama’ means mother.

Sorry, how is that clear? The OP hasn't said where she lives...

@Lily1992 Do not, DO NOT try for a baby with this man, You do not want to be put in this position, them disrespecting your boundaries, and the baby isn't even here yet!! Already they are dictating to you the mother, what YOUR child will call them! RED FLAGS, RUN AWAY NOW AND DON'T LOOK BACK! Aint nobody got time for that clown car of a family! They've shown you who they are, before you got pregnant! Take it as a neon flashing light warning, an angel from on high looking over you and warning you. Take it as a dodged bullet. And so many threads on here of a man being a mummys boy and it only ever gets worse, the man never wakes up and puts the woman first, the woman comes last to his mummy every time. Don't even go there!!

Lastly I noticed you said 'partner' so I take it you aren't married? Then DON'T try for a baby without that marriage certificate! Especially if you earn less and/or will be on maternity leave and financially vulnerable. Marriage isn't an 'old fashioned' thing, it protects you and the baby and gives you financial security in a split, access to his pension, your house/assets can be split 50-50 where as if you're not married you get fuck all, it gives you protections in law, it gives you Next Of Kin rights, medical decision/Power of Attorney/funeral rights and so much more. Accidents happen, but to actually plan to bring a baby into this lack of security is reckless and selfish. Keep contraception until you have that certificate in your hands. You owe it to your innocent child. So many cases on this site of the unmarried woman being fucked over and having no financial stability and kicked out of the house by her 'partner', and because they weren't married she has no entitlement to any assets or part of the house. This site shows why marriage is so vital for mother and children.

That said, to recap unless you desperately want to live a life of not having your boundaries respected, not having your rights as a mother respected, being over-ridden by his bullying weird family and are a masochist who loves being treated as someone who is walked over and spend a life of misery attacked to his batshit clown car family, take this as your sign from heaven or whatever and run the fuck away from him and batshit clown car family as fast as your legs can carry you and be thankful you learned how fucked up they all are upfront, before you became tied to them for life. A woman and mother needs this like a hole in the head. Consider it a bullet dodged and choose a better man next time.

Is it not Marmar, rather than Mama? I ask because you mention a different pronunciation and because Marmar is a well known name for a grandma in lots of places.

If it is, I think you are being unreasonable. If it is definitely Mama, and you want to be Mama, then I'd explain that and ask her to choose something else.

@Lily1992

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?

Are you from different cultural backgrounds?

Giche you're not even pregnant and already got stumbling blocks ahead of you, that I'd be seriously reviewing whether ttc is the right choice, now and in this relationship.

Sorry, how is that clear? The OP hasn't said where she lives...

If she lives in the Midlands or was brought up there, it’s clearly some other part of the Midlands where ‘Mama’ means mother, otherwise she would have be familiar with the alternative meaning.

‘Would be familiar’

@Merrymouse

Sorry, how is that clear? The OP hasn't said where she lives...

If she lives in the Midlands or was brought up there, it’s clearly some other part of the Midlands where ‘Mama’ means mother, otherwise she would have be familiar with the alternative meaning.

But plenty of us from the midlands have never heard of it until this thread

@Merrymouse

Whether or not people in the Midlands call their grandmothers ‘mama’ is irrelevant, because clearly the OP isn’t from the Midlands and lives elsewhere, and for most of the rest of the world ‘mama’ means mother.

It isn't irrelevant though because it's what her Partner and his family do and the baby is his as well.

But plenty of us from the midlands have never heard of it until this thread*

Then it’s even less relevant that some people in the Midlands use ‘mama’ to mean grandma.

It's not the fact that they want your child to call their grandmother mama which is alarming, it's the "it's not open for discussion" nonsense. How dare they? It's your child of course you and your partner get to choose. Of course it's open to f'ing discussion, you're the one birthing the child.

It isn't irrelevant though because it's what her Partner and his family do and the baby is his as well.

The baby doesn’t exist yet.

For most of the world ‘mama’ means mother, so it will be confusing whenever the family are talking to somebody outside the DP’s family and referring to the grandmother.

There is no reason why she can’t be called something else as a compromise.

It’s up to the OP whether she wants to join what sounds like a rather overbearing family.

It's up to the MIL what she is called by her grandchildren. Not the parents. Weird that anyone would think otherwise. Other people will have relationships with your children, you can't control every detail or dictate what someone else calls themselves. I think I'd be having words if she wanted to be called mummy or mum (and that'd be really odd anyway) but this is not that; it's a family tradition for your partners family and a tradition in many cultures and areas of the country and pronounced differently to mum, mummy or mama, so quite a normal thing for her to be called.

@TooManyPJs

It's up to the MIL what she is called by her grandchildren. Not the parents. Weird that anyone would think otherwise. Other people will have relationships with your children, you can't control every detail or dictate what someone else calls themselves. I think I'd be having words if she wanted to be called mummy or mum (and that'd be really odd anyway) but this is not that; it's a family tradition for your partners family and a tradition in many cultures and areas of the country and pronounced differently to mum, mummy or mama, so quite a normal thing for her to be called.

Over my dead body would my children be calling my MIL 'Mum'.

She's not their Mum, Mummy, Mama etc why should she have that title?

At the end of the day, family tradition be damned. It makes OP uncomfortable. What else should she do to honour family tradition? Let MIL name the baby?

She's the Mother, she gets to decide who is called Mama. She can be called Nana, it's a very similar sounding name. It's not about the name, it's about power and it's the meaning behind it.

From the OP:

I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it

The pronunciation is the same.