My partners mum wants our baby to call her mama? AIBU?

[Lily1992]

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?

They are dangerous control freaks. If you can't see that telling a mother what the male and his mum says goes and she has no right, no say, and must put up and shut up, if you can't see that, then, I don't know what to say.

Hi @PinaColada123456, you've done your best. I'm beyond help

I asked both sets of Grandparents what they would like to be called.
I can't believe people get so uptight and create rivalry about stuff like this.

Or maybe Granny should accept that Mama isn’t acceptable to both parents and they should all look for a middle ground.

OP can we get a voice recording of your partner saying the variants so we can decide if they're different names?

What do you think they are raking away from you??? I think you're being a killjoy and over reacting

@BanjoKnockers

They are dangerous control freaks. If you can't see that telling a mother what the male and his mum says goes and she has no right, no say, and must put up and shut up, if you can't see that, then, I don't know what to say.

Hi @PinaColada123456, you've done your best. I'm beyond help

@BanjoKnockers So you agree that a father has a say, but a mother has no say?

Just want clarity on that, that you believe the mother has no say at all. But the father has all the say?

@MissMaple82

What do you think they are raking away from you??? I think you're being a killjoy and over reacting

@MissMaple82 Her partner said only he gets a say, that the woman (mother) gets no say. Are you truly saying that to stand up for women's rights is being a 'killjoy'? Did you read the OP's posts? The male is effectively controlling her and saying he is the head and she has no say.

So you have no problem with that? No problem with a mother being told by the father she has no rights or say?

@Wedonttalkaboutrats

The mn world has gone nuts! How, how are people getting ‘controlling and abusive’ from this?? My DH and I are from different cultures. His mum gets to be called their traditional name for a grandma and my mum gets to be called by our tradition name. I would find it controlling if my DH said ‘my’ mum couldn’t be called what she wanted and I would be controlling if I vetoed his preference for ‘his’ mum. This has all just got too weird.

@Wedonttalkaboutrats Um, perhaps because the male, the OP's partner has said only he gets a say, and she, the woman, gets none? Have you read the OP's posts? She's affectively been FROZEN OUT of a decision about her own child. Did you not notice how the male has decided, and said the mother gets 'no say'?

You're not reading or comprehending. It's not about the name per se, it's that the father has decided HE ONLY gets any say. Have a look DEEPER and actually think about what it's saying. If your spouse said 'our child is calling her grandparents this, and I've decided, and you get no say at all, only I do' I don't think you'd be happy.

You're missing the actual issue. The woman here is told she is not equal to the child's father. It should be both their decision. Not only the male as 'head' of the family with the little woman having no say at all!

I wouldn’t like it either but I’ve heard plenty of families with a marmar or papa for grandad. Is there anything similar you’d find acceptable to you?

@PinaColada123456 calm down a bit pet. We get it, you hate men. Every time you comment on every thread you use capitals to tell us a man has been a shit. You don't need to rant and make accusations about every person who disagrees with you.

[quote girlmom21]@PinaColada123456 calm down a bit pet. We get it, you hate men. Every time you comment on every thread you use capitals to tell us a man has been a shit. You don't need to rant and make accusations about every person who disagrees with you. [/quote]
I don't 'hate men'. I hate injustice, men controlling women, and misogyny. I can't believe that a woman is being told she has no say at all, only the male does, and you don't see a problem with that.

@PinaColada123456 read my comments and you'll see I do see the problem.

I also think if a couple can't discuss something this basic they shouldn't even consider trying for a baby, because there's a whole range of issues so much bigger than this where children are involved.

@PinaColada123456 calm down. I have read and I fully comprehend. I simply disagree with you labelling someone as controlling and abusive when the only information we have does not necessarily indicate anything of the sort.

So you agree that a father has a say, but a mother has no say?

Just want clarity on that, that you believe the mother has no say at all. But the father has all the say?

Hi there @PinaColada123456

I think the mother does not have control over every aspect of a child's life. It is a separate person, with its own relationship with other members of its family.

[quote Wedonttalkaboutrats]@PinaColada123456 calm down. I have read and I fully comprehend. I simply disagree with you labelling someone as controlling and abusive when the only information we have does not necessarily indicate anything of the sort.[/quote]
@Wedonttalkaboutrats So you don't believe a man telling a woman she has no say at all, only he does, and there is to be 'no discussion', she has no say at all is controlling and abusive? Just for clarity sake, you are saying the man making all the decisions and telling the woman she has no say whatsoever is 'not controlling'.

Is that what you're saying?

[quote girlmom21]@PinaColada123456 read my comments and you'll see I do see the problem.

I also think if a couple can't discuss something this basic they shouldn't even consider trying for a baby, because there's a whole range of issues so much bigger than this where children are involved. [/quote]
Then a bit of support and agreement with me would have been nice instead of attacking me, but it does prove my point about the sisterhood not backing each other up.

Was there a name change? Couldn't see any posts from op except the first one.

Are your in-laws Chinese? The Chinese word for paternal grandmother is mar-mar so that could explain it. I wouldn't get worked up about it tbh - your baby will know that MIL is not it's mother no matter what she's known as.

We call one of our grandmothers mama. It's pronounced "mom-ar". Is it the same?

@PinaColada123456 I don't agree with your aggression or most of what you're saying. 'The sisterhood' doesn't exist. Women can disagree with women and call out unnecessary behaviour, just like we can about men and men can about us and each other.

Having a vagina doesn't mean we have to all sit around singing kumbaya

@BanjoKnockers

So you agree that a father has a say, but a mother has no say?

Just want clarity on that, that you believe the mother has no say at all. But the father has all the say?

Hi there @PinaColada123456

I think the mother does not have control over every aspect of a child's life. It is a separate person, with its own relationship with other members of its family.

@BanjoKnockers I think the mother does not have control over every aspect of a child's life.

That's fine but why then does the father have control then? If the mother has no say, why is the father saying he has all the say and 'end of discussion'? Why doesn't the father treat the child as a separate person? After all, he is the one dictating what the child will call it's grandfather. So why does he get any say then, either?

[quote girlmom21]@PinaColada123456 I don't agree with your aggression or most of what you're saying. 'The sisterhood' doesn't exist. Women can disagree with women and call out unnecessary behaviour, just like we can about men and men can about us and each other.

Having a vagina doesn't mean we have to all sit around singing kumbaya [/quote]
@girlmom21 There is no aggression from me, only incredulity. If you read aggression into it that's not my doing, though tone is hard to read in print.

'The sisterhood' doesn't exist.
You got that right. It used to. It doesn't exist anymore.

@PinaColada123456
I’m not sure why you’ve turned this into a whole male v female oppression discussion. Maybe that’s just your thing? But you seem to be glossing over the fact that the grandmother (a woman, presumably) is also involved. How does that fit with your ‘men oppressing women’ tirade?

[quote Wedonttalkaboutrats]@PinaColada123456
I’m not sure why you’ve turned this into a whole male v female oppression discussion. Maybe that’s just your thing? But you seem to be glossing over the fact that the grandmother (a woman, presumably) is also involved. How does that fit with your ‘men oppressing women’ tirade?[/quote]
@Wedonttalkaboutrats Perhaps because that is what it is? How is it not oppression if the mother has no say? You bring the grandmother into the equation yet conveniently ignore that only 50% of the couple are allowed a say.

I asked a question in good faith. Please tell me do you honestly think it's fair that the father has 100% say and the mother has 0%?

@PinaColada123456 she gets to decide what her parents are called. That's 50/50

@PinaColada123456
In this specific case, yes, I do honestly think it’s fair that the father’s wishes trump the mother’s on what to call the father’s mother. As I would think it fair the other way around. Which perhaps it is. But we don’t know. We know very little about the op’s relationship. It’s misguided to jump to such serious conclusions with so little knowledge. I think perhaps you are projecting.