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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset over partners mortgage AIBU

285 replies

Mfsf · 21/03/2022 22:30

My partner moved in 2 years ago , prior to this I lived alone with my 2 kids and paid all my bills and consider myself quite independent financially .
When he moved in it meant he had to leave his job abroad . He found a job straight away but he earns half of what I do . So basically I kept paying everything as I already did it anyway and he pays some food shopping when he comes shopping with us . I have a ok wage but I don’t have much after paying for everything myself and now 3 children , with covid some months I even struggled this year , but normally enough to visit my family abroad and a small holiday that my kids love and got used too and that we have always done .
We have since had a baby together .
I actually do not mind the financial burden is mostly on me all of the time , with his wages he is paying his mortgage and child support for his child ( obviously this last is 100% fine and essential) .
My issue now is he cannot afford to go on holiday , even if I pay for it he will still have his mortgage and it would mean he would not earn for those weeks .
This has really upset me , this is not something I want to take away from my kids . Why should I stop myself from giving my kids what they are used too so he can have a empty house that he pays mortgage for? He refuses to let it too .
He has this “ idealistic idea “ that it’s something he can leave his son , which is fine but not only he still has 20 years of mortgage to pay but his ex wife is still in the mortgage despite not paying for it since they divorced 7 years ago . So I’m expected to never be able to go on holiday or even contemplate a place together simply because he likes the idea to have a home ?
I love him , the kids love him but I admit the fact he pays towards this completely separate life to us and expects me to make sacrifices is really starting to make me resent him .
To make it “ worse “ my youngest eventually will need some childcare and I’m pretty sure he is assuming I will pay for it or just work with her at home ( I do work from home but I have constant meetings and we did discuss I would need at least a few days a week of childcare as I have meetings and constant phone calls )
Am I being unreasonable to fell upset ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mfsf · 22/03/2022 12:27

[quote AChocolateOrangeaday]@Franklin12 I agree. I think I am going to come off MN for a bit as it is just relentless how many women do this to them selves.

I can only imagine that they are so desperate for a "DP" and or another child that they will literally put up with any old shite and be grateful for it.

He and his family really saw you coming OP, so I have voted YABU as you knew all this before you proceeded.

At what point exactly did you expect him to "change?"

And all this "Oh my DC's adore him" is just bollocks to justify poor life choices.

My DSis is like this and it is only now with all 3 kids in therapy is it starting to dawn on her just how much her selfish actions have impacted on that.[/quote]
I’m not and was never desperate for a partner ! My son is 19 and this is the first partner I moved in my house apart from his dad , I’m not scared of being alone and I’m completely capable of being alone . So keep your rudeness to yourself !!! I do not care what your sister did or does , my kids know I have their back and I’m a good mother
You must be a perfect mother that never did a bad choice ! Shame on you trying to bring my parenting down

OP posts:
AChocolateOrangeaday · 22/03/2022 12:34

Yeah she was in denial for years too.

Beautiful3 · 22/03/2022 12:34

Just realised that you rent. That's really unfair as there's nothing to leave your children, but he lives a subsidised life, to leave a house to his wife and son?

BambinaJAS · 22/03/2022 12:41

@AChocolateOrangeaday

Yeah she was in denial for years too.
In OPs defense,

Its really tough to see you are in a dysfunctional situation because you tend to normalise the behaviors of the people involved.

Thats why an external source (mumsnet in this case) can give you a perspective you may lack.

MigsandTiggs · 22/03/2022 12:50

Here are some financial facts to consider..

  1. Depending on the type of house ownership, ie joint ownership or tenants in common, the ex-wife can own the house if the man dies, even if he paid 100% of the mortgage as joint ownership gives survivor rights over the entire property.
  2. Buying a house is more than buying a home. It is also acquiring an asset that will appreciate in the long term. No one takes out a 20 year mortgage and sticks to the same deal, so don't concentrate on the length of a mortgage. The mortgage is financing an asset acquisition while renting means that you are in effect paying for someone else's asset acquisition. Nowadays, people buy properties as an alternative to investing in a stocks and shares pension.
Original poster
Mfsf · 22/03/2022 13:18

@MigsandTiggs

Here are some financial facts to consider..
  1. Depending on the type of house ownership, ie joint ownership or tenants in common, the ex-wife can own the house if the man dies, even if he paid 100% of the mortgage as joint ownership gives survivor rights over the entire property.
  2. Buying a house is more than buying a home. It is also acquiring an asset that will appreciate in the long term. No one takes out a 20 year mortgage and sticks to the same deal, so don't concentrate on the length of a mortgage. The mortgage is financing an asset acquisition while renting means that you are in effect paying for someone else's asset acquisition. Nowadays, people buy properties as an alternative to investing in a stocks and shares pension.
I do not have a issue with him having a property , I do have a issue that sending money for that mortgage is taking away from our home income . And have a issue that he is as you say basically paying for someone else’s property . Renting is complicated because it involves changing mortgages and increases the actual mortgage by a lot on this case and it would mean both him and his ex wife would have to declare it . I doubt she will be ok with it and honestly I doubt he would too . Selling it is the only viable option here , or he can make the sacrifice to pay for a empty home while his ex pay nil and the house gains equity but he should not expect me to do it and he will need to do it on his own while still contributing to our household .
OP posts:
HelenWick · 22/03/2022 13:42

He's not your partner. He's lodging with your for free and using you whilst building up a next egg and inheritance for his family - his ex-wife and children.

PrtScn · 22/03/2022 13:47

Maybe go on holiday and stay in his house abroad. Use it as a holiday home - will be cheaper for you!

Kuachui · 22/03/2022 14:07

hes being selfish. kick him out and move on. hes taking away from you and your kids so that his kid ends up with a nice house when he dies. its not on

Original poster
Mfsf · 22/03/2022 14:21

It’s a city apartment , not where we normally go on holiday :-)

OP posts:
Flight00Fancy · 22/03/2022 14:22

He cannot afford bills at your property, but he could afford to create another child

He cannot afford bills at your property, but he can afford a property abroad

Look where his priorities are

You are also not married

billy1966 · 22/03/2022 14:29

I just honestly can't get my head around your decision to return to the baby stage when you have teens, with a man who is living off you.

To go back to trying to find childcare, and paying for it for, all for a man who doesn't pay his share for basics.🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

RandomMess · 22/03/2022 14:45

He has so many options. Sell the flat and invest his equity in other ways for his DC.

He cannot afford the flat without you subsidising him, that's cold hard facts.

Crankley · 22/03/2022 15:07

@billy1966

I just honestly can't get my head around your decision to return to the baby stage when you have teens, with a man who is living off you.

To go back to trying to find childcare, and paying for it for, all for a man who doesn't pay his share for basics.🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I agree, it's really difficult to understand. OP, I really hope you can get these issues resolved because right now, you are supporting this person financially while he owns half a house wherever he came from.

So many women who post on here leave a long term relationship/ marriage and pretty soon after finding a new man, decide to have a baby, despite their current children being in their teens/20s. Then the relationship falls apart and they are left as a single mother, again. Why go through that a second time?

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 15:18

So many women who post on here leave a long term relationship/ marriage and pretty soon after finding a new man, decide to have a baby, despite their current children being in their teens/20s.

Agreed. It makes it look like the mother is having a midlife crisis.

AllOfUsAreDead · 22/03/2022 15:26

I wonder what the actual reason for his wife leaving him was too. People rarely just change to be this selfish, so how was he selfish in his previous relationship?

Oh well op will probably stay with him even if he doesn't sell the flat he shares euyh his ex, and will continue basically paying for it herself but getting nothing back for it. Dunno how he is appealing, he sounds awful.

Original poster
Mfsf · 22/03/2022 15:26

@PinaColada123456

So many women who post on here leave a long term relationship/ marriage and pretty soon after finding a new man, decide to have a baby, despite their current children being in their teens/20s.

Agreed. It makes it look like the mother is having a midlife crisis.

Why am I having an idle life crisis ? I have a 6 year old too ! Wow some of the comments on here are straight ridiculous.
OP posts:
Myalternate · 22/03/2022 16:12

You're living with a man you love and clearly from things you've said on here, he's a wonderful dad. The sticking point is the finances. He's not contributing to the household fairly. His mortgage payment is something that needs sorting sooner rather than later. His ex wife appears to be amicable to selling so perhaps that is what should be decided. If he's not prepared to consider selling, take it from there....
MN responses are always extreme.

Nanny0gg · 22/03/2022 16:38

If he's still paying the mortgage alone why should the house be split 50/50 if they divorced 7 years ago?

horseyhorsey17 · 22/03/2022 16:53

What, hang on, so he's living with the OP and not contributing to the mortgage in their shared home (which they share with their child) but is paying for a mortgage on a house nobody lives in, which he clearly keeps as a separate asset that the OP has no claim on?

He's a CF.

horseyhorsey17 · 22/03/2022 17:00

OP - if he rented out his house he'd have some/more money to contribute to rent/bills, which you are currently paying. It does sound like he's taking the p*ss, sorry.

Original poster
Mfsf · 22/03/2022 17:22

@Myalternate

You're living with a man you love and clearly from things you've said on here, he's a wonderful dad. The sticking point is the finances. He's not contributing to the household fairly. His mortgage payment is something that needs sorting sooner rather than later. His ex wife appears to be amicable to selling so perhaps that is what should be decided. If he's not prepared to consider selling, take it from there.... MN responses are always extreme.
Thank you for being actually amazingly helpful. We started talking , we will finish at some stage later in the evening when kids are in bed . I think he will agree with selling . I admit I still feel upset I actually had to tell him this ? But I’m willing to give it a try if he sells . People on here can be vicious , I’ve been called an unfit mother , told I’m having a mid life crisis because I had another child …. 🙄.
OP posts:
Original poster
Mfsf · 22/03/2022 17:24

They shouldn’t and they probably won’t , but until it’s actually split legally it’s a 50/50 ownership

OP posts:
Original poster
Mfsf · 22/03/2022 17:27

@AllOfUsAreDead

I wonder what the actual reason for his wife leaving him was too. People rarely just change to be this selfish, so how was he selfish in his previous relationship?

Oh well op will probably stay with him even if he doesn't sell the flat he shares euyh his ex, and will continue basically paying for it herself but getting nothing back for it. Dunno how he is appealing, he sounds awful.

His ex is actually full of praise . Not that I think this needs justifying but his ex “ found out “ she liked women and left him for another woman a work colleague , they are still together now and we all have a friendly enough relationship . So I don’t think the ex “ rule “ is the reason in this case .
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 17:37

@Mfsf people like to project here. I'm sure you can see that for yourself. Ultimately he needs to find a way to pay his way in your home and allow all of the children the experiences they deserve. If he can rent out the house, great. If he can get a better job, great. If he sells the house, great.

It seems strange people assuming he was a shit husband when his ex still lets her son, who's not biologically his, fly to another country to see him.