Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset over partners mortgage AIBU

285 replies

Mfsf · 21/03/2022 22:30

My partner moved in 2 years ago , prior to this I lived alone with my 2 kids and paid all my bills and consider myself quite independent financially .
When he moved in it meant he had to leave his job abroad . He found a job straight away but he earns half of what I do . So basically I kept paying everything as I already did it anyway and he pays some food shopping when he comes shopping with us . I have a ok wage but I don’t have much after paying for everything myself and now 3 children , with covid some months I even struggled this year , but normally enough to visit my family abroad and a small holiday that my kids love and got used too and that we have always done .
We have since had a baby together .
I actually do not mind the financial burden is mostly on me all of the time , with his wages he is paying his mortgage and child support for his child ( obviously this last is 100% fine and essential) .
My issue now is he cannot afford to go on holiday , even if I pay for it he will still have his mortgage and it would mean he would not earn for those weeks .
This has really upset me , this is not something I want to take away from my kids . Why should I stop myself from giving my kids what they are used too so he can have a empty house that he pays mortgage for? He refuses to let it too .
He has this “ idealistic idea “ that it’s something he can leave his son , which is fine but not only he still has 20 years of mortgage to pay but his ex wife is still in the mortgage despite not paying for it since they divorced 7 years ago . So I’m expected to never be able to go on holiday or even contemplate a place together simply because he likes the idea to have a home ?
I love him , the kids love him but I admit the fact he pays towards this completely separate life to us and expects me to make sacrifices is really starting to make me resent him .
To make it “ worse “ my youngest eventually will need some childcare and I’m pretty sure he is assuming I will pay for it or just work with her at home ( I do work from home but I have constant meetings and we did discuss I would need at least a few days a week of childcare as I have meetings and constant phone calls )
Am I being unreasonable to fell upset ?

OP posts:
ScreamingSauvignon · 22/03/2022 18:01

So you have a 19 year old, 6 year old and a newborn.

It is hard to understand why you think babies cement and secure a relationship.

You need to look at your choices with scrutiny OP.

I fully apologise in advance if 19yr old and 6yr old share same father.

Original poster
Mfsf · 22/03/2022 18:07

@ScreamingSauvignon

So you have a 19 year old, 6 year old and a newborn.

It is hard to understand why you think babies cement and secure a relationship.

You need to look at your choices with scrutiny OP.

I fully apologise in advance if 19yr old and 6yr old share same father.

Babies cement relationships ? Who said I think that ?? So many assumptions here
OP posts:
MigsandTiggs · 22/03/2022 18:37

Be prepared for a negative reaction when you have "the talk". He could feel guilty and emasculated when confronted with the hard financial facts on how his lack of contribution affects the family.
A technique used in counselling is to set out the facts only and then ask him what he thinks can be done to achieve the end you (or both of you) want. You could bring up each point separately: household finances, childcare, family holidays. The sooner you can reach an agreement that you are willing to accept, the better. Leave it longer and it will only result in your feeling more resentful. Good luck OP!

GabriellaMontez · 22/03/2022 19:40

set out the facts only and then ask him what he thinks can be done to achieve the end you (or both of you) want.

Agree. The obvious, easiest way is that he sells the house. Alternatively, he could surprise you and apply for a better paid job. Either way, the need for him to contribute is for him to solve.

Rummikub · 22/03/2022 20:45

@Myalternate

You're living with a man you love and clearly from things you've said on here, he's a wonderful dad. The sticking point is the finances. He's not contributing to the household fairly. His mortgage payment is something that needs sorting sooner rather than later. His ex wife appears to be amicable to selling so perhaps that is what should be decided. If he's not prepared to consider selling, take it from there.... MN responses are always extreme.
Agree with this.

I guess it’s not just financial consideration but also stability for your family.

Work out your line and discuss as a family unit what’s the best way to achieve your priorities, including his other son

loopycurtains · 23/03/2022 11:09

In all of this, I would really struggle most with the knowledge that he is effectively handing half of his mortgage payment to his ex wife every month. Why is he still paying for her half of this asset? Seems very odd to me. Especially since he can ill afford it.

Rtruth · 23/03/2022 17:51

Issue is a mortgage has to be paid by a named party. So if he doesn’t pay he will have a default against him.

Lindsaycreate · 23/03/2022 17:51

This!

MrsPetty · 23/03/2022 17:52

I want to know how the 3% who believed YABU unreasonable came to that conclusion? You pays all the bills so he can pay for a house that none of you live in and that he refuses to rent out …. And she is unreasonable???

Icandefinitelydothis · 23/03/2022 17:57

@Rummikub

You all move into the house he is paying mortgage on and you keep your place as inheritance for your children..
^ this

Don’t forget to ensure you let yours as an extra income.

Also, don’t forget to leave the household bills to him. You’ll save there too.

Then with your savings on bills and extra income from rent, you can afford a lovely holiday with your kiddies….. maybe two!

maybloss2 · 23/03/2022 17:57

Hum. Yr partner is prioritising his first child over the one you have together if he wants his house just for him. This needs to be said.
Also yes he should be letting it and covering the mortgage that way.
I’d suggest he moves out, pays you child maintenance and you go back to being financially independent. You could still be a couple. If you seriously suggest this he may see how unfair he is being.
Also, go on holiday without him.

Charlize43 · 23/03/2022 18:03

I haven't read all of it but can't you holiday in the empty house abroad? Surely that would cut cost and make use of the house...

GingerWit · 23/03/2022 18:06

@Mfsf

Sorry I should have added , his home is abroad so us living there is not a option
So he's basically keeping a holiday home? He should sell and give his Son an inheritance by way of money...if not, the money he is paying for the mortgage can go towards a savings account for his Son - Even if it's just half of it.

Otherwise...give him an ultimatum- You or the house.

cherish123 · 23/03/2022 18:10

Does he need to come with you?
Go without him.

Morganrae1 · 23/03/2022 18:14

Do you have a mortgage? If not why not suggest moving into his home and saving the rent you're paying for your holiday.? Alternately if you do have a mortgage suggest moving into his and let yours and keep the income from that for yourself. He'll soon realise how selfish he is being. I would not offer him anything if you do move into his house. He needs pointing out to him how ridiculous the situation is. Could he sell the house and put the money into an account dor his son? What about your child together, will they get half the house?

ThinWomansBrain · 23/03/2022 18:15

Let him go and live in the bloody house.
You and the children can visit him there for a holiday.

tara66 · 23/03/2022 18:15

Not read thread so do not know if it has been mentioned but are you aware of very strict laws of inheritance in some European countries like France? One's own children have to inherit a large % from their parent(s) estate.

Your children who are his step children would not inherit anything even if they are put in Will, nor would you, as not married.

loopycurtains · 23/03/2022 18:15

@Rtruth

Issue is a mortgage has to be paid by a named party. So if he doesn’t pay he will have a default against him.
I think the bigger issue is he's had years to sort this out so it doesn't resort to that. But hasn't bothered.
DigsDilemma · 23/03/2022 18:15

Sometimes I don't think I'm particularly privileged. And then I read posts like this and realise that yes I absolutely am, because I would never for a moment stand for a man treating me like this. Assuming you're now in the UK, you don't have to either OP.

ThinWomansBrain · 23/03/2022 18:16

Could he sell the house and put the money into an account dor his son?
Or sell the house and pay a fair contribution to his living expenses. CF.

WordleWitch · 23/03/2022 18:16

Lordy OP the witches are out in force on this one!!!

The way you have described it, you seem to have a fantastic relationship in all areas beside the financial side. You said for the majority of the time the imbalance hasn't really impacted enough for you to sort it out but now it is. So you are right, talk to him explain how much it is impacting and how you will not allow it to continue and if he loves you and sees you as an equal he will agree. I think in many cultures for men in particular, having a house is more than just a financial investment. It is often seen as a sign of status and commitment to the wider family still located in those parts. Is he an eldest son with younger brothers or sisters also located in that country? If so, there may be other reasons for his desire to hold onto the bricks and mortar. I don't suggest these reason should trump your need for financial equality just they may be reasons that you should be aware of and may help with the conversation. I think you need to be clear with him that you have put up with it for a long time but as you say now is the time for him to focus on his life with you here and cut those ties so you can all have the best life possible.
Good luck I hope it works out.

Flatwhitetostayin · 23/03/2022 18:19

Aggghhh so many spiteful and judgemental replies. Well done for keeping your cool. It sounds as though you have both been living in the past and this situation has given you a bit of a epiphany. In an ideal world he would have come to the conclusion himself a long time ago. But it's very easy in the real world for situations to just develop and become normal without either person noticing. What is critical is how he reacts now you've brought it to his attention. He sounds like a good guy. And I think it says alot about all of you that you take a lot of pleasure in the quality of both your bonds with your own children, your shared children and his child, and both your relationship with his ex. I hope it works out for you. X

Fwaltz · 23/03/2022 18:27

What does he do to make it worth you funding his entire lifestyle? He’s living for FREE while building himself a delightful pension nest egg. Tell him to grow up and start taking some responsibility.

whitecreambluejug · 23/03/2022 18:32

So basically, by covering all his current living costs you are subsidising his ability to keep an empty home as inheritance ( or more likely, being as the empty home predated your child together, he's keeping it as an escape fund if things do not work out with you). And this is impacting on your and your kids standard of living.

That's clearly not acceptable is it OP? He's taking the piss massively.

Passenger42 · 23/03/2022 18:40

Tread careful OP as you are not married if he left you and moved back abroad you wouldn’t be able to pursue him for child maintenance as the CSA would write him off. If the wife still owns half the house and has remarried then why is he paying the full mortgage, why is she not contributing. He seems pretty knowledgeable about the tax implications of renting. I worry for you that he is keeping the house as a asset so he can leave you if you get tough with him. Why hasn’t he married you and started to plan for your our future. Take care x

Swipe left for the next trending thread