Upset over partners mortgage AIBU

[Mfsf]

My partner moved in 2 years ago , prior to this I lived alone with my 2 kids and paid all my bills and consider myself quite independent financially .
When he moved in it meant he had to leave his job abroad . He found a job straight away but he earns half of what I do . So basically I kept paying everything as I already did it anyway and he pays some food shopping when he comes shopping with us . I have a ok wage but I don’t have much after paying for everything myself and now 3 children , with covid some months I even struggled this year , but normally enough to visit my family abroad and a small holiday that my kids love and got used too and that we have always done .
We have since had a baby together .
I actually do not mind the financial burden is mostly on me all of the time , with his wages he is paying his mortgage and child support for his child ( obviously this last is 100% fine and essential) .
My issue now is he cannot afford to go on holiday , even if I pay for it he will still have his mortgage and it would mean he would not earn for those weeks .
This has really upset me , this is not something I want to take away from my kids . Why should I stop myself from giving my kids what they are used too so he can have a empty house that he pays mortgage for? He refuses to let it too .
He has this “ idealistic idea “ that it’s something he can leave his son , which is fine but not only he still has 20 years of mortgage to pay but his ex wife is still in the mortgage despite not paying for it since they divorced 7 years ago . So I’m expected to never be able to go on holiday or even contemplate a place together simply because he likes the idea to have a home ?
I love him , the kids love him but I admit the fact he pays towards this completely separate life to us and expects me to make sacrifices is really starting to make me resent him .
To make it “ worse “ my youngest eventually will need some childcare and I’m pretty sure he is assuming I will pay for it or just work with her at home ( I do work from home but I have constant meetings and we did discuss I would need at least a few days a week of childcare as I have meetings and constant phone calls )
Am I being unreasonable to fell upset ?

THIS IS NOT OK!!!! You 100% have the right to be sour about this. The issue is this must of been discussed prior to him moving in or your child together. So he may have a issue that you now bring up the financial issue. First do not let your kids or you suffer because of him… (holidays ECT) you do them WITHOUT him and if the children ask explain (may be harsh) I would explain financially daddy can’t come. Mummy’s very hard working and lucky to be able to afford our beautiful house and the things we have but not everyone can… so daddy needs to stay home and work. The fact he has a house in his ex wife’s name is also a concern. This should of be resolved in the divorce. From a outsiders view, he is ensuring a safe future for himself incase anything bad happened between you and him. It’s a lovely idea the property would be left to his son HOWEVER what about contributing towards his current situation? The life his actually living now?!? What if he needed to go into a care home when his elderly? Or if a accident happens and he needed time of work or care at home. You already have children you do need to be mothering him too. I don’t know your situation but you may of been a easy meal ticket and he slotted into your life… if I was your friend I would encourage you to establish a new boundary it doesn’t matter that you earn more… you educated yourself and worked towards a good job with good financial income. He isn’t to thank for that… I hope you have your sole name on everything. Your married but I would hate for you to come off worse if anything bad happens.

The idea that renting the house out would cause problems is ridiculous.

As it stands now he pays say £300 mortgage.

Any rent will easily offset any costs associated with renting including the tax. Yes, there will be tax to pay, but as a proportion of the profit. It is highly unlikely that the profit would be less than small increase in the mortgage due to the change to Buy to Let.

Yes, the co owner of the house would have to pay tax on the income and she should also receive this.. ownership would have to be ironed out first... and if she was receiving the income, she should also contribute to the mortgage. It is possible that she might not end hugely up better off, but your partner would, without question.

If you rent then I can understand his thinking. Doesn't mean it isn't unfair on you though.
The danger would be that he sells and it just disappears into day to day living. Can understand why he wouldn't want that but equally you are not unreasonable to say the burden shouldn't be on you, especially for an asset you don't even have a share in.
Can you sell and buy together (protecting his share of the deposit if required?) Or is that not possible in the area you live?
If not he could sell abroad and buy something in another cheaper area with good rental potential. That way he'd maintain an investment and make a fairer contribution (assuming the mortgage can't be made to work for renting his existing property)

Child support is supposed to take into account all of the children that live in the same house as him.
So he wants a house to leave his son, what about the child you have together? Sack the free loader off, he’s a user and sees you as a cash point.

I felt somehow responsible fir his loss of income

Why the fuck are you putting some random man - because at the end of the day that is what he is - before the welll-being of YOU and your children.

They only have you, you know.....

Men come and go. Your children NEED YOU!

Speaking as a single mum here.

Can’t he sell it and you buy something together here, so that he still owns property, if that is what is worrying him?

Having read all of your posts and 2/3 of the comments, I applaud you.
You seem, no...you ARE a wonderful mother and loyal partner and I have no doubts about that at all.
I also know that you will make the right decision both for yourself and your children.
Your explanations have been open and clearly honest and the tug of war between your love for your partner and love for your children shines through your posts.
I have no advice because I know for a fact that you deal with not just the present, but the future too and you'll cope, as you have done for the past 7 years. With or without him, I wish you the very best life has to offer. Whatever the outcome, your mental strength and sense of what is fair and just, will guide you. Never doubt your judgement.
Best wishes 💐

Fuck sake are we importing cocklodgers now??

I think you're going to have a difficult decision to make.. . You and your children are subsidising this nest egg for him.

The man is a cuckoo, I just hope you see for yourself sooner rather than later.

He needs to sell the house and put a lump sum in trust for his kid or let it so it pays the mortgage and then he can make a contribution to your expenses as a family.

Is this not major cock-lodging?

WOW!! he has certainly taken you for a ride. DITCH HIM

Mmmm! A Dad who decided to have another child, can’t contribute to his family and has an empty property abroad.

Think about it in plain terms. Time to put YOUR thinking head on. He put his thinking head on long long ago.

I know it seems hard but any decent upstanding man would not be doing this to you. I’m sure your not in the final stages of your relationship, this sounds like maybe the start of the end. You would be so much better if without him reading the comments I’m sure you will get the just that this isn’t ok. Deep down maybe you know yourself but in all honesty I don’t think this will change it will be the continuous argument. Sometimes live isn’t enough…. You need to do what’s best for you and your children and by the sounds of it your better of without him and the stress.

Oh Dear. His insistence on paying for a house on a Mortgage which isn't occupied makes absolutely no sense. I believe you when you say he is a good dad and not a bad person and you clearly love him.

It sounds to me as if there is something more going on in his head than 'wanting to leave something for his son/stepson' - something maybe he isn't aware of himself, because to most people what he is doing with regard to his house is crazy.

Taking the Mortgage payments out of it, for the moment, can I suggest that you start off by looking at the divsion of financial burden between you and rejigging it. You say he earns about half what you do, so I would suggest that you draw up a budget by looking at all the regular expenditure you as a couple incur ( including your rent Council tax etc but not his mortgage) and also including what he pays in child support and work out what the budget for all that expenditure equates to per month, and you agree to pay 2/3 and he agrees to pay 1/3 of all of them. )You can adjust the percentages depending on the actual difference between your income). You can include a holiday budget in that, or not, and also a clothes budget, or not. Lots of different ways to deal with it, but your current arrangement, while I can see it made sense in the beginning needs to change for both your sakes.

This is only fair and if he's not prepared to do that then I do think he is maybe not as committed to you as you are to him.

Once that has been worked out, you will be able to see more clearly how much 'free money each of you has to spend as you each see fit. That may very well show him that he can't afford the Mortgage.

Even if it doesn't let him see that, and even if he now decides to sell the house It seems to me this would be a good thing to do, regardless as it would be fairer and less likely to cause you resentment now or in the future. At the moment he isn't paying his fair share which is why you are resentful and I would be too. A fair share does not need to be 50% each as I said above but a fair share of expenditure vs income - like 66% vs 33%.

At the moment, your partner is making it so that you cannot actually afford the things you did before he moved in with you - when in fact a second income ought to help a bit, so something is seriously wrong financially - and maybe not just the Mortgage payments

Good Luck

Just read some more of your posts OP.

Sounds like you’re a great mother and you obviously love him and he is a good Dad in many ways.

Re: His comment about changing the mortgage (from experience) this isn’t a big thing. You just ask them for permission to let and they say yes or no. If yes, everything is essentially the same except you rent the house. The tax is also minimal and it’s not hard to do an annual tax return (if it’s in the U.K., not sure if it is).

If he has a sentimental attachment to the property this is a good way to get it to wash its own face so to speak, so that he can put some resources into his new partnership with you.

Hope it all works out for you OP. Take care.

I e read a lot of the replies but admittedly not all, if he is still paying a mortgage- he doesn’t own it, so it’s not really an inheritance as such.

He now has obligations financially and morally to you and the family you have together.

Only you know if this relationship is tangible and if you really want to live like this.
If you do then you need to resolve the issues as you can’t subsidise him at cost of your lifestyle - he CHOSE to come and live here, you have subsidised him all this time -you haven’t forced him to do anything.
If you don’t then you need to get rid off him and live the life you can with your dc.

Oh Dear. His insistence on paying for a house on a Mortgage which isn't occupied makes absolutely no sense

Zero sense. Yes it might increase the mortgage interest and yes there would be tax to be paid on the rent but it's still producing an income rather than being a drain on income.

Oh and I wonder if he has proper buildings insurance on it? Most insurers will limit cover or increase premiums in this situation.

Put it this way OP. You are supporting someone who is paying child support and a mortgage on a low salary. He isn't making much effort to share the financial load. It's not much of a partnership is it? He seems to be prioritising financial commitments that have absolutely no benefit to you. Only him.

I think your problem is bigger than your holiday this year. You need a financial advisor or even a solicitor specialising in family law.
Paying the mortgage for an empty house is pointless as the value of the house will reduce with every year it’s empty (I speak from experience). The only choice he has is to either sell it or let it. This will depend on the country and region the house is in. In some rural areas of countries in the east houses can’t be let. In any case he’ll needs a solicitor to tell him what percentage of the house or of the rent belongs to him and what to his ex wife.
The solicitor can also tell you how much he should contribute towards living expenses and how much rent he pays you. Since h is not on the mortgage he is technically your lodger (be careful with your building insurance and mortgage).

Ok so lots of comments regarding your choices etc which isn’t really needed or deserved because whatever choices you have made, rightly or wrongly, have led you to where you are now and that’s what you are looking for help with. I don’t think you need to explain yourself.
If he is anything like my husband who can also shut down when discussing things he is uncomfortable with he will just need some time to let it sink in and then discuss at a later date. I don’t think you should rush anything as with a newborn you will be emotional just now. Try not to get emotional, which is very hard as he will probably just get his back up. Try to be calm and make your very valid points. Although is all sound quite complicated the great thing is that when the house is sold that mortgage payment is in his pocket so he can contribute half/half with ur bills. If that was the case the additional money would mean more fun family times together and a chance to enjoy life outside of work and home. Maybe try and push the positives of him not having that responsibility and what it would mean for your family together. I’m sure with some conversations and understanding on both your parts it is something that can be sorted.

From the day your joined child was born his child support might have reduced due to his small income.

Don’t get married to him without a prenuptial!

Goodness me you seemed to of picked up a waster! Tell him to stop using you as a base for somewhere to stay in the UK. Is it too late to get out of this situation or is he the kids dad

I'm not going to be harsh because I think you've received enough of that.

But what I'd say, as someone who has a partner from another country, your relationship shouldn't be transactional. You shouldn't feel like you owe him something because he moved to the UK. He made that decision, he wanted to be with you too, he's got a partner and a family out of that. And that's enough. It's not your job to make up for that for the rest of your lives together.

@Mfsf

My partner moved in 2 years ago , prior to this I lived alone with my 2 kids and paid all my bills and consider myself quite independent financially . When he moved in it meant he had to leave his job abroad . He found a job straight away but he earns half of what I do . So basically I kept paying everything as I already did it anyway and he pays some food shopping when he comes shopping with us . I have a ok wage but I don’t have much after paying for everything myself and now 3 children , with covid some months I even struggled this year , but normally enough to visit my family abroad and a small holiday that my kids love and got used too and that we have always done . We have since had a baby together . I actually do not mind the financial burden is mostly on me all of the time , with his wages he is paying his mortgage and child support for his child ( obviously this last is 100% fine and essential) . My issue now is he cannot afford to go on holiday , even if I pay for it he will still have his mortgage and it would mean he would not earn for those weeks . This has really upset me , this is not something I want to take away from my kids . Why should I stop myself from giving my kids what they are used too so he can have a empty house that he pays mortgage for? He refuses to let it too . He has this “ idealistic idea “ that it’s something he can leave his son , which is fine but not only he still has 20 years of mortgage to pay but his ex wife is still in the mortgage despite not paying for it since they divorced 7 years ago . So I’m expected to never be able to go on holiday or even contemplate a place together simply because he likes the idea to have a home ? I love him , the kids love him but I admit the fact he pays towards this completely separate life to us and expects me to make sacrifices is really starting to make me resent him . To make it “ worse “ my youngest eventually will need some childcare and I’m pretty sure he is assuming I will pay for it or just work with her at home ( I do work from home but I have constant meetings and we did discuss I would need at least a few days a week of childcare as I have meetings and constant phone calls ) Am I being unreasonable to fell upset ?

No! He should pay more

I know this is off your main point @Mfsf but why doesn’t he get holiday pay?

How long has he been in his low income job? What prospects are there?

What does your joint long look like in five years time? You have no capacity to save, individually or jointly, for a deposit on a house to build or buy. You can’t afford holidays. You will struggle to fund childcare, after school activities, and the expensive teenage years. Can he not see the current situation, that it won’t improve for your family unit, unless he digs his head out? What if you became ill or incapacitated? It is your security that is in jeopardy, as he retains a valuable asset that is costing your family now, to no appreciable benefit.

The house is the obvious key to unlock this, but his commitment to the family is weak and coloured because unfortunately you’ve got trapped in the role of financing everyone to your personal detriment.

Honestly, deal-breaker territory for me, unless he commits to working out an exit plan for his own poor prospects and downright mad attachment to this empty city-centre-somewhere-in-a-third-country-where-none-of-his-children-live apartment.