Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset over partners mortgage AIBU

285 replies

Mfsf · 21/03/2022 22:30

My partner moved in 2 years ago , prior to this I lived alone with my 2 kids and paid all my bills and consider myself quite independent financially .
When he moved in it meant he had to leave his job abroad . He found a job straight away but he earns half of what I do . So basically I kept paying everything as I already did it anyway and he pays some food shopping when he comes shopping with us . I have a ok wage but I don’t have much after paying for everything myself and now 3 children , with covid some months I even struggled this year , but normally enough to visit my family abroad and a small holiday that my kids love and got used too and that we have always done .
We have since had a baby together .
I actually do not mind the financial burden is mostly on me all of the time , with his wages he is paying his mortgage and child support for his child ( obviously this last is 100% fine and essential) .
My issue now is he cannot afford to go on holiday , even if I pay for it he will still have his mortgage and it would mean he would not earn for those weeks .
This has really upset me , this is not something I want to take away from my kids . Why should I stop myself from giving my kids what they are used too so he can have a empty house that he pays mortgage for? He refuses to let it too .
He has this “ idealistic idea “ that it’s something he can leave his son , which is fine but not only he still has 20 years of mortgage to pay but his ex wife is still in the mortgage despite not paying for it since they divorced 7 years ago . So I’m expected to never be able to go on holiday or even contemplate a place together simply because he likes the idea to have a home ?
I love him , the kids love him but I admit the fact he pays towards this completely separate life to us and expects me to make sacrifices is really starting to make me resent him .
To make it “ worse “ my youngest eventually will need some childcare and I’m pretty sure he is assuming I will pay for it or just work with her at home ( I do work from home but I have constant meetings and we did discuss I would need at least a few days a week of childcare as I have meetings and constant phone calls )
Am I being unreasonable to fell upset ?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 21/03/2022 22:59

Why is it just his older child inheriting?

HollowTalk · 21/03/2022 23:00

He is a cock lodger. Why on earth are you putting up with this from him?

comfortablyfrumpy · 21/03/2022 23:00

Are you sure his house abroad really is empty ? Sounds a very odd set up.
Is he definitely divorced?

Original poster
Mfsf · 21/03/2022 23:01

He is on only slight above minimum wage so he send child maintenance and pays his mortgage ( about £500 and I guess car insurance petrol and said food ?

OP posts:
Doodar · 21/03/2022 23:01

what a mess, he's a cocklodger.

Time4life · 21/03/2022 23:01

@Rummikub

You all move into the house he is paying mortgage on and you keep your place as inheritance for your children..
That's a great idea.
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 21/03/2022 23:01

Clearly he needs to start paying. Hopefully his house will be left to BOTH his children.
And kick him out. Sounds like he brings little to your life and it would be easier without him, as well as making you better off-he can pay CM and you will probably be able to apply for some benefits; council tax subsidy etc

GrazingSheep · 21/03/2022 23:03

I feel sorry for your children.

Original poster
Mfsf · 21/03/2022 23:07

Yes I am

OP posts:
Norgie · 21/03/2022 23:07

He wouldn't have got past my door, sorry.

bluedodecagon · 21/03/2022 23:11

He must have a golden cock.

SarahProblem · 21/03/2022 23:12

What possessed you to make a child with this man?

tkwal · 21/03/2022 23:15

He can let his house out to his ex so at least she will be covering the mortgage in part. Why should his son from her get to inherit when he's contributing very little to the child you have together or your home ?

Original poster
Mfsf · 21/03/2022 23:18

I admit I was hoping for actually helpful advise . He is not a bad person , and he is a great dad .
Some of the comments are a bit vicious like “ I pity your kids “ as I said my kids never went without and I’m only now contemplating the holidays issue .
I might need to just push for him to sell the house and go from his decision . My kids are 100% above anyone else and I would never make them pay for my mistakes .

OP posts:
Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns · 21/03/2022 23:19

Well if hes paying support and mortgage and paid crap- he can afford one, not the other..?

OverTheRubicon · 21/03/2022 23:22

You're subsidising his home overseas - a home which you have absolutely no claim over if you split, and which he even says is for his eldest child - at the cost of you struggling to scrape by some months.

Take your 3 children on holiday with you, and ask him to be gone when you get back ..

Saffy321 · 21/03/2022 23:22

This is unfair on you and your children, why should you have to pay for everything? your partner can try to increase his income.

Rummikub · 21/03/2022 23:23

I guess it might friend on which country and if it’s a small amount comparatively.
If his first wife would be destitute without then you might need to forgo holidays,

I think a conversation about money is overdue.

OverTheRubicon · 21/03/2022 23:24

Why is he a great dad when he's depriving children like this? And expecting you to work from home with a toddler, while also being the main earner? Great dads treat their children's mums with respect.

Kennykenkencat · 21/03/2022 23:26

What does he put on the table that is solely for you and your childrens benefit

Whilst he might only earn slightly above minimum wage all the things you say he does with his money, none of it goes on helping you.

Now list the negatives. All the things he takes away from your life. Like not being able to go on holiday, bigger bills, more mouths to feed, more stress, taking away your ability to claim benefits CS etc.

What exactly does he add to your life.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 21/03/2022 23:30

You are financially incompatible.

You can draw this out with growing resentment for a few years or face facts now and tell him what your reasonable expectations are for a life partner. He will either understand those expectations or not. At which point, you kick his cocklodging arse to the curb.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 21/03/2022 23:31

I think you are potentially looking at an ultimatum on renting his home out.

In the meantime, tell him that you would like him to start contributing towards household bills. I think you need an honest chat that your child is missing out on family holidays and its not fair on them and also about how you are going to manage. I think he may be taking the proverbial piss a bit.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 21/03/2022 23:32

@DifficultBloodyWoman good advice.

Original poster
Mfsf · 21/03/2022 23:32

His child maintenance is not icon question here , his wife lives with a new partner in a new home, no monetary issues at all , the house is empty and I’m sure she wouldn’t mind selling either .

OP posts:
Squeezita · 21/03/2022 23:33

OP, don’t be put off by the plain speaking here, most people have your best interests at heart.

You are paying his mortgage OP. By letting him live so cheaply at yours, he gets to pay off his mortgage.

He will end up with a fully paid off house that you will have zero rights to.

You say he wants you to make sacrifices OP, but what sacrifice is he making?

Don’t be fooled that the house is just for his son. He is trying to manipulate you and pull your heartstrings.

I would dump him, please don’t pay for anything for him, especially not a holiday.

Swipe left for the next trending thread