Upset over partners mortgage AIBU

[Mfsf]

My partner moved in 2 years ago , prior to this I lived alone with my 2 kids and paid all my bills and consider myself quite independent financially .
When he moved in it meant he had to leave his job abroad . He found a job straight away but he earns half of what I do . So basically I kept paying everything as I already did it anyway and he pays some food shopping when he comes shopping with us . I have a ok wage but I don’t have much after paying for everything myself and now 3 children , with covid some months I even struggled this year , but normally enough to visit my family abroad and a small holiday that my kids love and got used too and that we have always done .
We have since had a baby together .
I actually do not mind the financial burden is mostly on me all of the time , with his wages he is paying his mortgage and child support for his child ( obviously this last is 100% fine and essential) .
My issue now is he cannot afford to go on holiday , even if I pay for it he will still have his mortgage and it would mean he would not earn for those weeks .
This has really upset me , this is not something I want to take away from my kids . Why should I stop myself from giving my kids what they are used too so he can have a empty house that he pays mortgage for? He refuses to let it too .
He has this “ idealistic idea “ that it’s something he can leave his son , which is fine but not only he still has 20 years of mortgage to pay but his ex wife is still in the mortgage despite not paying for it since they divorced 7 years ago . So I’m expected to never be able to go on holiday or even contemplate a place together simply because he likes the idea to have a home ?
I love him , the kids love him but I admit the fact he pays towards this completely separate life to us and expects me to make sacrifices is really starting to make me resent him .
To make it “ worse “ my youngest eventually will need some childcare and I’m pretty sure he is assuming I will pay for it or just work with her at home ( I do work from home but I have constant meetings and we did discuss I would need at least a few days a week of childcare as I have meetings and constant phone calls )
Am I being unreasonable to fell upset ?

I admit I was hoping for actually helpful advise

I think you've been given some good advice. But that was always going to come with a certain amount of incredulity. I genuinely do not know why so many women choose to have children with men who quite patently are shit dads, and then claim that they're great dads. I think people are confusing 'great' with 'Disney' or 'doesn't hit them'. It seems as if these men are fine with the easy bits of parenting. They hang out with their kids, do the nice things with them. But they're shit at the actual graft. They don't make time to do the difficult things. They don't provide the financial support, they don't alter their work to look after children, they don't prioritise their children but assume that that side is the mothers' responsibility (note the grammar).

If they just do the easy bits and pass on the actual hard work, they are not great dads. They are shit. I do hope it works out for you OP but you do need to read him the riot act. He chose to move here so don't feel guilty about that. But it does sound to me as if holding on to the house is more about him having a bolt hole than about keeping an investment.

OP when asked any relationship question, Mumsnet will always, always, tell you to end your relationship. Please don’t take too seriously the comments you have had here, we are just a bunch of internet strangers. You have a newborn baby with your partner, don’t fall out over a house and don’t have emotional conversations about family money at midnight when there’s work at 5am. Calm down, step away from the internet, and don’t think about it for a couple of days. Then have a “how can we fix this situation, long term” chat with him.

As to the house, options are:

1. He gets in touch with his ex and the bank to sort the paperwork so that he can sell it, or rent it out.

Or:

1. He continues to pay the 100% mortgage on an empty property in which he only owns 50% equity, which causes financial problems for his new family.

If he chooses to keep the house, then he should work out the legal position (and change his job so he can financially support his new child). I don’t know where the house is, but if he owned a house in England jointly with his ex, and he suddenly died, the ex would own 100%. Not the son. If he wants to leave his equity to the son, then in England he’d need to make sure the property is held as tenants in common, and have a clear will on it. Even then, with the ex owning the other 50%, she could force a sale: there is no guarantee that the son ends up with the actual house. So your DP needs to get his head around that and speak to a lawyer in the country where the house is located.

If he won’t sell it then I suspect that the way forward is for them to remortgage with a mortgage that allows the property to be let, for the mortgage to be paid from the rent, (possibly involve a local property management company) and for the equity to be left 50% to the son by the dad and he can only hope thet his ex does the same with her 50%.

(The son may not actually want this house where his parents split up 😬)

I’ve looked at the legal side it would involve changing his mortgage to allow him to rent it and would then mean any income from it would be taxed on him and his ex . So basically a ton of issues

That's not a ton of issues. That's all standard stuff for someone renting out a house. Bit of hassle in exchange for (hopefully) a rental income

This thread has escalated quickly from "great dad, I'm just a bit peeved about not going on holiday" to "relationship probably over"

Why oh why do women choose to make these decisions? You sound switched on. Why did you choose to have a child with this man. You will be tied to him forever.

I believe he would go back to his home country as let’s be how st he wouldn’t e able to afford being here and having a home there if it wasn’t for me

You are right it has but that because I realised I was being an even bigger mug than I though . Please do not think for a second any of what I put down was written easily . Everything that’s going through my head now is how I let my children down and to someone that really prides myself of always putting my kids first that is probably the worst thing o have ever done in my life

It is very worrying also this his ex is in the mortgage.

I think his actions have shown you all you need to know but now you have given him the chance to improve the situation to everyone’s benefit that should also tell you more about him.

Although he made a sacrifice to come here and be with you it feels like he is keeping his options wide open hence his property in the other country.

People can have different attitudes to money but who was his role model? Where is his father? What did he do and what example did he set his son.

You seem very clear and level headed so I think you will be ok

I guess the issue with renting it out is that his wife will also have to pay tax on her half. It gets confusing and she may not want anything to do with it.
If he really does want a bolt hole then the above is probably why he won’t rent it out. She probably wouldn’t mind selling it but tgen he wouldn’t have a bolthole.

Op, a compromise would be sell it and reinvest the proceeds to benefit his son. That releases the mortgage payments for your own family.

But I suspect it’s more the safety net if the bolt hole he wants.

I dunno what advice to give you, this should have been sorted before you had a kid with him, but too late for that now. He's showing you who he is, he's happy to let you pay all bills for your children and his, happy to let you pay for him to go on holiday, and happy to leave a house to his first son, ignoring his other child with you entirely.

If none of that is enough to prove to you that no, he isn't a nice person and isn't a good dad, I don't know how to help you. Frankly with his attitude, I'd be telling him to sell the house ASAP or he's getting kicked out and that's another failed relationship for him, plus another child he won't see often. Great role model if he decides leaving is the best option.

he needs to get his ex wife off the mortage and let it out to cover the mortgage - or sell it. Paying the mortgage with an empty house is lovely if he has the luxury of an income to support that - which he doesn't.

I have read the thread but not all of the replies.

He is cocklodging OP. In order to pay his commitments abroad/elsewhere he has to find someone to take him in and support him.
You chose to have a child with him but this does not mean you are responsible for his debts elsewhere !
He knows you are stretched and yet he continues to live like this !

I had a husband who eventually left us (thankfully) but took everything and paid no maintenance for our three children. He lives abroad and has a good life. I think it was always the plan to return home but I just did not realise this

Be careful now. Remember he has a family abroad no matter what he tells you about the circumstances - he does.

You felt guilty about him leaving a well paid job to come and live with you and he’s been using that to have a nice comfortable life at your expense. He didn’t have to leave, it was his choice. Now you need to make the choices that are best for you and your children as you can’t carry on like this. Don’t let him guilt trip you and like PP said he’s not being a great dad in many ways so stick to your guns.

I hate to ask this OP but I have seen where it happens— are you sure that him and his wife aren’t in some kind of league on this because it seems nuts to me that he won’t let it and doesn’t want to sell either. If that’s not the case, why isn’t she off the mortgage? My own personal view is that he’s keeping it as an insurance policy in case things don’t work out with you. I partly understand this but would at least let it out so he can help you with fully paying his way. This way you are effectively subsidising someone else’s investments— someone who may not be around in a few years and that’s not on at all. If he was well off and paying his way in full then no problem- but he isn’t.

What country is he from/has the house in?
I think he's lying to you.

I guarantee he has his family in that house which he pays for their entire life or his wife (sorry "ex" ) and son still lives there.

Lots of men lead double lives, don't want to open up just how much they support family back home.

I hope he makes his decision for the right reasons but I wonder how he will fund the mortgage, pay maintenance for his eldest and his baby and cover rent and living expenses if he refuses to change, given his sums only work now when you cover the later yourself?

Good luck, OP.

I've not read all the posts yet but why did you let him move in without first agreeing that he would contribute to your house, the one he is living in?

@apple93

What country is he from/has the house in? I think he's lying to you.

I guarantee he has his family in that house which he pays for their entire life or his wife (sorry "ex" ) and son still lives there.

Lots of men lead double lives, don't want to open up just how much they support family back home.

But then is it likely he'd bring his child to his new family? That seems strange. His teen visits the OP's home.

Oh Op, he's not a partner in your relationship. He's a burden to you isn't he?

He's being totally ridiculous. He has no choice but to rent his house out. I can't think of a valid reason for leaving it empty. The alternative is you all move to his place and get some tenants for your house.

On another note there no way you can be expected to look after a baby and wfh. Not acceptable for you or your employer.

Why doesn't exw pay half the mortgage? Will his payments of her half for all these years be taken into acct if/when they do a financial settlement or sell the house or would she get a straight 50% ?

If not his exw is on a very good number at his and your expense.

@2me2u2u2me

I've not read all the posts yet but why did you let him move in without first agreeing that he would contribute to your house, the one he is living in?

OP answered that. If you can’t be bothered to read all the replies, at least read all OP posts?

Has he finalised his divorce on the financial side? Is there a court sealed consent order or agreed consent order sealed by the court? I would start by looking at that. Ask him for a copy of it.

@Mfsf

His child maintenance is not icon question here , his wife lives with a new partner in a new home, no monetary issues at all , the house is empty and I’m sure she wouldn’t mind selling either .

So he's paying a martgsge for a house to sit empty in a foreign country, so no one is maintaining it, no one is looking after it? What will his son do with a derelict house in another country? And surely half a derelict house as your partner has two children.

If he is only earning enough to support one of his children, pay a mortgage on a soon to be derelict property and buy the odd bit of food, he needs a new or second job because he can't afford to live.

@Xenia

Has he finalised his divorce on the financial side? Is there a court sealed consent order or agreed consent order sealed by the court? I would start by looking at that. Ask him for a copy of it.

His divorce was finalised almost 7 years ago , unfortunately they did not include assets . It’s no longer necessary to do it to actually get a divorce decree .

You must love him a lot if you're willing to completely fund him.

He's very lucky he's found a woman who will give him a roof over his head, food in his stomach and fund his day to day life for the next however many years.

I hope he's extremely grateful for the free life he's living.