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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset over partners mortgage AIBU

285 replies

Mfsf · 21/03/2022 22:30

My partner moved in 2 years ago , prior to this I lived alone with my 2 kids and paid all my bills and consider myself quite independent financially .
When he moved in it meant he had to leave his job abroad . He found a job straight away but he earns half of what I do . So basically I kept paying everything as I already did it anyway and he pays some food shopping when he comes shopping with us . I have a ok wage but I don’t have much after paying for everything myself and now 3 children , with covid some months I even struggled this year , but normally enough to visit my family abroad and a small holiday that my kids love and got used too and that we have always done .
We have since had a baby together .
I actually do not mind the financial burden is mostly on me all of the time , with his wages he is paying his mortgage and child support for his child ( obviously this last is 100% fine and essential) .
My issue now is he cannot afford to go on holiday , even if I pay for it he will still have his mortgage and it would mean he would not earn for those weeks .
This has really upset me , this is not something I want to take away from my kids . Why should I stop myself from giving my kids what they are used too so he can have a empty house that he pays mortgage for? He refuses to let it too .
He has this “ idealistic idea “ that it’s something he can leave his son , which is fine but not only he still has 20 years of mortgage to pay but his ex wife is still in the mortgage despite not paying for it since they divorced 7 years ago . So I’m expected to never be able to go on holiday or even contemplate a place together simply because he likes the idea to have a home ?
I love him , the kids love him but I admit the fact he pays towards this completely separate life to us and expects me to make sacrifices is really starting to make me resent him .
To make it “ worse “ my youngest eventually will need some childcare and I’m pretty sure he is assuming I will pay for it or just work with her at home ( I do work from home but I have constant meetings and we did discuss I would need at least a few days a week of childcare as I have meetings and constant phone calls )
Am I being unreasonable to fell upset ?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2022 10:50

Sorry, his son will get 3/4 of a decrepit home because his mother is entitled to half, so your baby will get 1/4, presumably?

Mumwithapub · 22/03/2022 10:56

I think his insurance won't cover the property if no one is living there but it might be worth looking into. Would he not rent it as a Airbnb type thing. Getting some kind of income from it is better than it standing empty rotting away.

Mindfulmarch · 22/03/2022 11:07

OK, you feel bad/daft for this going this way... that's understandable. However, it's been two years, not 20 and you are addressing it now. So give yourself some credit.

He's not as great as you think he is, take your time and read each post & really hear what people are saying.

As hard as it is to hear, he's using you. I'm not saying he doesn't like you or find you attractive etc, but he does NOT have your best interest at heart. He's either cunning or extremely thick, neither of which are attractive.

Let him go 'back home' your life will be much better without him
Leeching off you & taking you for a mug.

I know you 'love' him, but you'll get over it when it really sinks in how much he's made a mug of you.

GabriellaMontez · 22/03/2022 11:08

@Mfsf

I believe he would go back to his home country as let’s be how st he wouldn’t e able to afford being here and having a home there if it wasn’t for me
So you have to pay him for the pleasure of living with you.

So he can keep an empty house for a child from a previous marriage.

Most of us can't afford 2 homes. Would it help to point this out to him? He seems to think he can... but in reality... you pay.

Sorry OP. You don't have to do anything rash. Take your time to decide in the best way to deal with this situation. But please deal with it.

Original poster
Mfsf · 22/03/2022 11:09

To those asking more questions . I’m 100% sure nobody lives in the house . His dad goes to the house to clean it and get meter readings once in a while but basically it’s empty
His ex seems like a ok person we chat on occasion mostly about the kids and I’m unsure if she would want 50% of the house , she probably paid less than 20% but I'm assuming she would have something from 20 to 30% ( although entitled to half if she decided on it ) .
This is someone I’ve known since I was 16 ( Im now 40 ) so there was and is a element of trust here .
We only managed to chat a bit about it on his break ( he is still at work ) he denies saying the house would only be for his son and claims the house was toe leave his son and stepson initially and now the baby too , his stepson although he is not financially responsible for him sees him as a dad too and both me and the kids treat him as family the same way we treat his son as family ( once more I'm absolutely fine with this as he was his dad person since he was 3 when his mum and him got married , he visits and we talk and he is a great young adult that we love ).
There is a lot of exaggeration here on some of the comments . Yes I agree I should have not let this go for ages but having previously discussed this while trying for the baby it was always my understanding the house would be sold unless he found a alternative job , we also discussed childcare as I mentioned . So I think there is a degree of him just being comfy as it’s convenient and me not wanting to dela with it during pregnancy as it was an awful complicate pregnancy anyway .
What I’m hoping at this stage is that he actually loves us and wants to stay for the right reasons , o guess if the house is that important for him it just means he never was that committed to us .
I love him and until now I thought he loved me so I would be lying if I said any of this is easy .
He doesn’t like confrontation so he could be screaming at him and he would still go silent, makes it so much harder to read him , I’m not sure he doesn’t give a s*t or if he is upset .

OP posts:
Solmum1964 · 22/03/2022 11:10

Not to derail the main issues in this thread, but why wouldn't he be paid if he took holiday? Is he actually on a zero hours contract and that's what happens? I thought every employee in this country was entitled to 4 weeks plus 8 days paid holiday.

worriedatthistime · 22/03/2022 11:13

You say a great dad but he seems to be prioritising tge child he has With the house , what about the child you have together and your children
While your subsidising his lifestyle thats money you could put away fir your kids
He needs to rent it or sell it and pay you some rent etc and contribute more than just a bit of food

isthismylifenow · 22/03/2022 11:21

@MingeofDeath

Time after this story crops up on MN; bloke doesn't pay his way, we've got a baby together. I really dont understand why women put up with it and then then get pregnant.It baffles me completely.
I agree with this. Unfortunately there are many posts in a similar vein.

OP, if this house is currently vacant, isn't it at risk of being vandalised, squatters etc. What about the bills having a home accrues? Rates, water, electricity. Even if it is vacant there are still costs to pay over and above the mortgage. AND does the mortgage lender know that it is vacant, is in my country it has to be occupied.

He doesn't want things to change as he is sitting pretty. But it is you and your dc who are not, and now talk of your holiday being put off....

You were much more financially better off being single OP.

Isn't the point of being in a relationship to share the load?

GabriellaMontez · 22/03/2022 11:21

Who inherits the house is a distraction.

The main issue is that he's not contributing fairly (hardly at all) to your life and family now. Because he owns a house that sits empty and this is his priority.

MollyRover · 22/03/2022 11:24

@Mfsf

To those asking more questions . I’m 100% sure nobody lives in the house . His dad goes to the house to clean it and get meter readings once in a while but basically it’s empty His ex seems like a ok person we chat on occasion mostly about the kids and I’m unsure if she would want 50% of the house , she probably paid less than 20% but I'm assuming she would have something from 20 to 30% ( although entitled to half if she decided on it ) . This is someone I’ve known since I was 16 ( Im now 40 ) so there was and is a element of trust here . We only managed to chat a bit about it on his break ( he is still at work ) he denies saying the house would only be for his son and claims the house was toe leave his son and stepson initially and now the baby too , his stepson although he is not financially responsible for him sees him as a dad too and both me and the kids treat him as family the same way we treat his son as family ( once more I'm absolutely fine with this as he was his dad person since he was 3 when his mum and him got married , he visits and we talk and he is a great young adult that we love ). There is a lot of exaggeration here on some of the comments . Yes I agree I should have not let this go for ages but having previously discussed this while trying for the baby it was always my understanding the house would be sold unless he found a alternative job , we also discussed childcare as I mentioned . So I think there is a degree of him just being comfy as it’s convenient and me not wanting to dela with it during pregnancy as it was an awful complicate pregnancy anyway . What I’m hoping at this stage is that he actually loves us and wants to stay for the right reasons , o guess if the house is that important for him it just means he never was that committed to us . I love him and until now I thought he loved me so I would be lying if I said any of this is easy . He doesn’t like confrontation so he could be screaming at him and he would still go silent, makes it so much harder to read him , I’m not sure he doesn’t give a s*t or if he is upset .
I agree some drastic measures have been suggested here. He's not been great but he's not the devil incarnate. Aside from this issue it seems like you have quite a nice blended family set up and it's great that you and his ex are on good terms, and with the children. I agree with you that he's just been a bit too comfy, but I think that it would have been prudent of you both to discuss this situation before having a child together.

His actions now will be the dealbreaker imo. He needs to sell the house, and he needs to rethink his financial contribution to your joint household because being comfy is putting undue pressure on you. Some questions to consider, hopefully will help:

Do you own the family home or are you renting? Is it suitable for your family needs or do you need to move somewhere else? Is he contributing to this? Is a fair share of his earnings being used to fund your household? If not can he afford this? Would his earning power be increased by moving jobs? Can you both move to an area where his earning power is higher?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 22/03/2022 11:27

I don't know his country of origin, but I don't think much of his regard for you and his child you have together. Surely he must realise keeping his property for his son isn't possible after a divorce? In an ideal world it's what he wants. Wouldn't we all?
He might say he loves you, but he has a foot in his past and makes no effort to help pay his way
I feel for you, but his actions haven't matched his words and he needs a reality check
I hope you manage to get through to him.

AllOfUsAreDead · 22/03/2022 11:38

@GabriellaMontez

Who inherits the house is a distraction.

The main issue is that he's not contributing fairly (hardly at all) to your life and family now. Because he owns a house that sits empty and this is his priority.

This.

I'm sorry op, but a parent who goes to work and yet still contributes almost nothing financially besides sometimes buying food is not a good parent. He's spending all his money on a house that he says is for inheritance, but it is just a distraction. He needs to cut the cords tying him to his ex and get over the fact she left him. He could be paying towards the inheritance of a bigger house to accommodate your family together that could then be split between all children when you both die. His way is just stupid.

MigsandTiggs · 22/03/2022 11:38

Why is the ex-wife still on the mortgage? She would be unable to get another mortgage if her name is already on a mortgage. Being able to leave property to your children is nice, but unrealistic if you can't really afford it. He is living with you, and unless you have a tenancy agreement in place, he is building up a right to part ownership of YOUR house if he has done any diy etc that he can claim contributed to the value of the house.
A house is a money-pit and his will be deteriorating all the time it isn't used. All the seals in the water pipes will rot if they remain dry. Why won't he rent it out?
I get that you might feel some guilt because he had to give up his job to move in with you, but if he still works abroad why did he change jobs? Does the country he is from not have paid annual leave?
If he doesn't like confrontation you could itemise your concerns and ask him to write down his answers. Honestly, your situation rings so many warning bells.

Original poster
Mfsf · 22/03/2022 11:40

Thanks you are right , absolutely right .
I rent and eventually want to build ( as I’m 40 a long mortgage was never a option it appealed ) .
I don’t expect him to contribute the same as me as I know his earning potential will be less even if it improved a bit . But I don’t want to be making financial sacrifices, specially regarding my he kids so he can keep a empty home for whatever reason he is wanting to keep it .
As you say I guess the future of our relationship will depend on his decisions .

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 22/03/2022 11:56

You said he now wants to leave the house to his son, his stepson and the baby you have together.

But you also said you have three children (one of which, I presume, is the baby). Is he leaving the house to the two stepchildren he has with you as well? It seems like he isn’t. Why does he value his ex wife’s child with another man more than your children who is living with?

Seriously, you have very different values and goals. Decide EXACTLY what you want from him. Tell him. And then leave him immediately when he can’t produce.

The alternative is years of festering bitterness and wasting money subsiding his choices when you could spend it on yourself or your children or whatever charity of your choice!

Original poster
Mfsf · 22/03/2022 12:06

@DifficultBloodyWoman

You said he now wants to leave the house to his son, his stepson and the baby you have together.

But you also said you have three children (one of which, I presume, is the baby). Is he leaving the house to the two stepchildren he has with you as well? It seems like he isn’t. Why does he value his ex wife’s child with another man more than your children who is living with?

Seriously, you have very different values and goals. Decide EXACTLY what you want from him. Tell him. And then leave him immediately when he can’t produce.

The alternative is years of festering bitterness and wasting money subsiding his choices when you could spend it on yourself or your children or whatever charity of your choice!

My children are older than his stepson was when they meet ( he was less than 3 years old and now 21 ) so he has been a huge part of his life most of his life . The house was also bought by him and his ex when they had both kids , so I would not hold that against him . I will however old the fact that by doing this regarding keeping the house it will prevent us from having one of our own and that is another issue to add to the pile . The reality is even if it was fir my kids too it’s not something I agree with . I believe kids deserve time and attention now with quality time more than s inheritance in 30 or 40 years time . If he wants to make sure he is prepared in case something happens he should do what I do and have a good life insurance and will for the kids imo .
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 12:06

But you also said you have three children (one of which, I presume, is the baby). Is he leaving the house to the two stepchildren he has with you as well? It seems like he isn’t. Why does he value his ex wife’s child with another man more than your children who is living with?

She already said he raised the other child as his own from the age of 3

BeanStew22 · 22/03/2022 12:07

@Walkingalot

So he's paying all the mortgage on a property that he only half owns with his ex wife and intends on leaving his share to his other child, not even your child with him. While you subsidise him over your children and child together. I could maybe understand him keeping hold of it if there were only a few yrs to go but this isn't the case. This isn't fair on you. I'd question his true motives for keeping an empty house and his commitment to you and your child and definitely do not marry him.
^ I agree with this and what @Squeezita and others have said

Ultimately, by enabling him to live so cheaply, YOU are the one paying for this house but have no rights to it!

I’d be asking him:

  • what his plans to increase his income long term are (I know there may be difficulties re qualifications and experience being recognised but there is a big difference between a high earning job & minimum wage)
  • why he thinks it’s ok to prioritise his eldest son not your child together
  • what his plan for the house is/when he plans to settle things financially with his ex

I think if I moved overseas, I’d LOVE to mothball my home and retain the option of moving back in if things didn’t work out … but he is keeping that option open only at your choice

Re guilt about him giving up his job: entirely his choice, the world is full of women, he could have met one in his own country but he is an adult and chose to move overseas

Definitely get him to pay for childcare… does he think he pays for his first child & you pay for this? How will that make your youngest feel?

Holskey · 22/03/2022 12:10

Oh you rent? This makes it so much worse. You're paying his living costs so he can pay his mortgage (so you're pretty much paying his mortgage) so that he has property to leave to his kids and you have nothing to leave to your kids? You could be saving what you spend on him for your children's inheritance.

How lovely can he possibly be that has made you think this is okay? What's done is done but please don't allow it to continue. He's taking advantage of you. You might not see it that way because he's lovely etc, but it's a fact. You are putting money aside for his kids at the expense of your own. And he wants you to.

BambinaJAS · 22/03/2022 12:11

@SleepingStandingUp

Sorry, his son will get 3/4 of a decrepit home because his mother is entitled to half, so your baby will get 1/4, presumably?
If its the country that I think it is...

Ex and DP own 50% each (both names on mortgage)

If DP dies, and given that this is not his primary residence (or his exs)

The 50% goes towards his direct kids, even without a will.

That means first child with ex and child with OP.

But also worth mentioning. This property is not mortgage free, so the amount of equity each person has will have to be determined by a valuation.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2022 12:14

Why isn't he at least renting it out? Leaving it empty, costing money in maintenance, what happens when his Dad is too old? Also he can give his kids part of a house in a random country in 50 years time

Beautiful3 · 22/03/2022 12:18

Can he rent out his house? If not, can you go away on holiday without him?

Quitelikeit · 22/03/2022 12:19

I agree that this guy isn’t all bad but your gut is telling you the situation is not fair or right and you must do something. Especially if it is preventing you from purchasing a property yourself.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 22/03/2022 12:21

@Franklin12 I agree. I think I am going to come off MN for a bit as it is just relentless how many women do this to them selves.

I can only imagine that they are so desperate for a "DP" and or another child that they will literally put up with any old shite and be grateful for it.

He and his family really saw you coming OP, so I have voted YABU as you knew all this before you proceeded.

At what point exactly did you expect him to "change?"

And all this "Oh my DC's adore him" is just bollocks to justify poor life choices.

My DSis is like this and it is only now with all 3 kids in therapy is it starting to dawn on her just how much her selfish actions have impacted on that.

BambinaJAS · 22/03/2022 12:26

@Holskey

Oh you rent? This makes it so much worse. You're paying his living costs so he can pay his mortgage (so you're pretty much paying his mortgage) so that he has property to leave to his kids and you have nothing to leave to your kids? You could be saving what you spend on him for your children's inheritance.

How lovely can he possibly be that has made you think this is okay? What's done is done but please don't allow it to continue. He's taking advantage of you. You might not see it that way because he's lovely etc, but it's a fact. You are putting money aside for his kids at the expense of your own. And he wants you to.

Agree with this.

Its worth it to see it this way:

If he was contributing to the rent and not his mortgage payments abroad, you could be in the position of saving for a deposit for a house in the UK.

That is the opportunity cost for you & your kids right now.

The reality is that your DP had engineered the situation so that he benefits, while you simply stagnate.

This is not ok. And the relationship will be doomed eventually as the issue of childcare costs goes front and center. He will also nou doubt revert back to type, which is do nothing so as to nudge you to pay, while shutting down when you confront him.

People like that (conflict avoidant types) need to fully understand that there are consequences to not doing A, B, and C. You absolutely cannot bluff here. They will simply keep doing their thing, irrespective of their effect on you.