Upset over partners mortgage AIBU

[Mfsf]

My partner moved in 2 years ago , prior to this I lived alone with my 2 kids and paid all my bills and consider myself quite independent financially .
When he moved in it meant he had to leave his job abroad . He found a job straight away but he earns half of what I do . So basically I kept paying everything as I already did it anyway and he pays some food shopping when he comes shopping with us . I have a ok wage but I don’t have much after paying for everything myself and now 3 children , with covid some months I even struggled this year , but normally enough to visit my family abroad and a small holiday that my kids love and got used too and that we have always done .
We have since had a baby together .
I actually do not mind the financial burden is mostly on me all of the time , with his wages he is paying his mortgage and child support for his child ( obviously this last is 100% fine and essential) .
My issue now is he cannot afford to go on holiday , even if I pay for it he will still have his mortgage and it would mean he would not earn for those weeks .
This has really upset me , this is not something I want to take away from my kids . Why should I stop myself from giving my kids what they are used too so he can have a empty house that he pays mortgage for? He refuses to let it too .
He has this “ idealistic idea “ that it’s something he can leave his son , which is fine but not only he still has 20 years of mortgage to pay but his ex wife is still in the mortgage despite not paying for it since they divorced 7 years ago . So I’m expected to never be able to go on holiday or even contemplate a place together simply because he likes the idea to have a home ?
I love him , the kids love him but I admit the fact he pays towards this completely separate life to us and expects me to make sacrifices is really starting to make me resent him .
To make it “ worse “ my youngest eventually will need some childcare and I’m pretty sure he is assuming I will pay for it or just work with her at home ( I do work from home but I have constant meetings and we did discuss I would need at least a few days a week of childcare as I have meetings and constant phone calls )
Am I being unreasonable to fell upset ?

If you want him to stay and pay his way he at least needs to rent his house out if he won't sell it.

Then if he only earns NMW and you're the higher earner he needs to arrange his work around yours and do the majority of the childcare if you don't have the household income for a full time nursery place or whatever. Although you should check what help you get, free hours, UC, tax free childcare etc.

He sees it as a investment , but as I already pointed out , his wife owns half of it because they did not divide assets during the divorce . My take on it is it’s a emotional connection too , she left him for another relationship and he struggled to pay the mortgage alone for years after ( hence why he left to work abroad to pay for it )

He sees it as a investment, well yes it's an investment - for his ex wife and his teenaged son. Not for you or your child - how unfair is that ! You're living with him, paying for nearly everything, while he puts money away every month for one of his children and his ex . I honestly can't understand why you have not only put up with this, but had another child with him .

What a mess!! Surely these are all the things that should have been addressed before he moved in and you had a baby. I feel sorry for all the kids in this situation. Sounds like his wife and first born will be taken care of though seeing as he has money for them.

Why do women do this?! Your set up before was nice and it worked for you and yet again some sponging, shameless arsehole comes along and fucks it.

I hate to say this but does his ex wife know she's divorced?

I'd seriously leave him. You'd be better off without him, you and your child come first.

@uncomfortablydumb53

I hate to say this but does his ex wife know she's divorced?

I was wondering this, but his child has visited.

I’m updating because there are so many questions from everyone .
His wife left for another relationship and he struggled to pay the mortgage ( wages are not great there and paying a mortgage alone is hard ) . He then moved abroad for a year where he was more than able to do it , but in the process we restarted chatting and then dating ( we have known each other for over 2 decades ) and because of the whole brexit situation he had to move to the U.K. before the deadline to leave the EU .
It’s my understanding because it was so hard to maintain the house that he somehow thinks he will loose something if he sells it . But as I pointed out ( and I did it again to hun last night ) it has become unfair to me and to us ( our family ) . I felt somehow responsible fir his loss of income because he left a country where wages where big and he could afford to mantain 2 homes but there comes a point where his life should be here so his priorities should be here .
Now the chat didn’t go well , and the reality is I have no idea at this stage how things will develop . Obviously by the time I had this chat it was midnight and he needed to leave tor work at 5 am today so not the greatest timing but I’m at a stage where I’m resenting him and it could not wait .
There was no nastiness or arguments , I ended up getting emotional and he completely shut down ( which is his go to when he is confronted with things ) . So I’m giving him today to address it with more time but as of now I told him this might just be the end of our relationship and that I cannot get over this , I’m not sure how much it has sinked in .

He is freeloading and protecting his assets away from you. He needs to sell it and contribute jointly to your family after he has paid maintenance. He can protect his asset for his son if he was to die

I'm glad you've been firm with him.
It's all well and good that his elder child can inherit but if his ex owns half the property your child together won't inherit anything and is missing out in the meantime.

You can't go on paying for everything.

He's also regularly visiting his child abroad but can't afford a family holiday. Is he using the house when he visits the child?

He’s a cocklodging CF. Get rid.

Good on you for standing up for yourself.

OP when you met, was he living in the house he’s paying mortgage on now? Or did you say he was in another country? If so, how was he affording rent and to pay the mortgage? Or was that because he had a higher paid job he left to come here. Has he not got more earning potential here? Does he want to earn more?

Sorry you’re answered some of that above, well done for having the chat and being clear with him about it: not easy.

He is coming to us . If he goes there he will stay in the house but that’s not a necessity as he has plenty of family he can stay with if he visits anyway . The house is basically closed .

Yes you have that right he was earning more abroad . He probably can earn more here , I just often feel he accommodated himself and until I push him he won’t find something else ?
I have a job I like with good perks so when I push him to go and look for other jobs he often says “ I’m looking at it from a comfortable position “ which is true but I earned where I am from being a single mum and going back to uni and working . I can do it now because I sacrificed for years .

I still don’t understand why he can’t at least let it?

Go on holiday without him

Also lay out all your outgoings, inc the impending childcare for your youngest and split it.

You said he could earn more, but chooses not to, this indicates he's happy to take a lower paid job ( probably less stress, hours etc) as he's relying on you to pay for everything. In other words he's using you and choosing not to pay his way. When actually, if he sorted his house out and earned more, he could more than contribute to family life and have the other luxuries inc holidays. He sounds v selfish

Can you put it to him like this?

He is barely paying for his own food, not contributing to the household or contributing financially to his second child in any way. Yet he is paying 100% of the mortgage on a house jointly owned with his ex wife and that he intends to leave (his half) exclusively to his first child. This means you are effectively bank rolling him, his ex wife and their child all whilst keeping a roof over your heads and paying for all your 3 children, one of who, is his. Is he ok with this because you aren’t?

*whom

Sounds a bit like he’s keeping it as an insurance policy if things don’t work out with you and he decided to go back home.

He is not a bad person, and he is a great dad
He is making terrible choices that impact you and your children very negatively. He is taking none of the financial responsibility in your home. He is taking money from the family pot to subsidise a property he is nowhere near owing. He thinks childcare is your responsibility.

how is he not a bad person and a great dad?

I can't see that you've answered a basic question that has been asked: why doesn't he rent it out?

Then he doesn't have to sell it, but can cover some or all of his mortgage from the income.

I think you need to push him for a decision on whether he is "all in" with you or not. Personally I think that rather than struggle to pay 20 years of mortgage on a property he can't use he should either rent it out or sell it. However, if he won't and you still want to be with him then you need to come to terms with the situation and take your children away yourself. But he's never going to be your equal and is really what they call a cocklodger - someone who sponges off a woman so they can live and save their own cash whilst living for free in your house. You also have to bear in mind (sorry if this is harsh) that maybe he's not in love with you and isn't an equal partner, but is living for free (or as near as) where he can because it's convenient.