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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset over partners mortgage AIBU

285 replies

Mfsf · 21/03/2022 22:30

My partner moved in 2 years ago , prior to this I lived alone with my 2 kids and paid all my bills and consider myself quite independent financially .
When he moved in it meant he had to leave his job abroad . He found a job straight away but he earns half of what I do . So basically I kept paying everything as I already did it anyway and he pays some food shopping when he comes shopping with us . I have a ok wage but I don’t have much after paying for everything myself and now 3 children , with covid some months I even struggled this year , but normally enough to visit my family abroad and a small holiday that my kids love and got used too and that we have always done .
We have since had a baby together .
I actually do not mind the financial burden is mostly on me all of the time , with his wages he is paying his mortgage and child support for his child ( obviously this last is 100% fine and essential) .
My issue now is he cannot afford to go on holiday , even if I pay for it he will still have his mortgage and it would mean he would not earn for those weeks .
This has really upset me , this is not something I want to take away from my kids . Why should I stop myself from giving my kids what they are used too so he can have a empty house that he pays mortgage for? He refuses to let it too .
He has this “ idealistic idea “ that it’s something he can leave his son , which is fine but not only he still has 20 years of mortgage to pay but his ex wife is still in the mortgage despite not paying for it since they divorced 7 years ago . So I’m expected to never be able to go on holiday or even contemplate a place together simply because he likes the idea to have a home ?
I love him , the kids love him but I admit the fact he pays towards this completely separate life to us and expects me to make sacrifices is really starting to make me resent him .
To make it “ worse “ my youngest eventually will need some childcare and I’m pretty sure he is assuming I will pay for it or just work with her at home ( I do work from home but I have constant meetings and we did discuss I would need at least a few days a week of childcare as I have meetings and constant phone calls )
Am I being unreasonable to fell upset ?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2022 07:05

With regards to the not renting it out, he uses it as a base when he sees his ds. I expect this is his reasoning. However, he would probably be better off financially to stay in a hotel or rent an apartment when he visits.

DearMallorie · 22/03/2022 07:09

It sounds like you are just keeping afloat financially if you cant afford this holiday if he comes.

So what's your plan when your three dc are big gallumping teenagers with huge feet and they eat like horses and want driving lessons and university is looming?

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 22/03/2022 07:12

Agree with those who say he needs to rent out the house abroad, it’s an asset that’s not doing anything

Original poster
Mfsf · 22/03/2022 07:15

I’ve asked him this and I’ve looked at the legal side it would involve changing his mortgage to allow him to rent it and would then mean any income from it would be taxed on him and his ex . So basically a ton of issues . His best option is to sell it , he has paid interest and gained equity even if his ex was to have 50% . He knows this , I know this . The real question at this stage is does he accept the unfairness of this all on me and my kids or does he choose to keep being selfish ? In which case he will need to go , even if it breaks my heart and above all the kids because they are so attached to him and even if it means our newborn will be without a dad . It’s my responsibility to do what’s best for the kids future and I’m well aware of it . This thread just helped me confirm it . Unfortunately saying it and going through it are 2 different things so emotionally I’m really upset

OP posts:
CurzonDax · 22/03/2022 07:15

I'm glad you had that talk with him, OP - well done. As you said yourself, it probably wasn't the best timing, and you were emotional (and probably both very tired!). So take some to recollect your thoughts, and all the points you want to bring across (write them down, if needed), and approach it again tonight.

Point out that his ex own half - you can be certin that your own child is unlikely to receive any of this home (even your child's share of his half), as his ex being a named owner will complicate things (especially if your psrtner passes first).

Point out to him that his absolutely should be paying maintenance and funding his eldest, but he should definitely then be contributing to his younger child. Why does child no.2 get no support from him, becUse child no.1 is receiving it all?

Also - the house is completely empty, and i a different country (so he wouldn't be able to get hop in a car and get their quickly in an emergency). Who is maintaining this property? If noone is keeping an eye on its upkeep, then it may not turn out to be quite a valuable asset, as he hopes, in a couple decades.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 22/03/2022 07:20

@Mfsf

He sees it as a investment , but as I already pointed out , his wife owns half of it because they did not divide assets during the divorce . My take on it is it’s a emotional connection too , she left him for another relationship and he struggled to pay the mortgage alone for years after ( hence why he left to work abroad to pay for it )
Then point out to him any good investor knows the time to sell up and reinvest.

The money he is putting in now his ex has a claim on. He needs to sell up pronto or she will make off with half his money. He can reinvest in the U.K. stocks shares whatever.

Right now he’s trying to have his bread buttered on both sides - you’re subsiding his mortgage but his ex is still liable if he defaults. He’s an idiot, he could loose it all to her in a court ruling as she’s caring for the son. He needs to sell asap.

Mellowyellow222 · 22/03/2022 07:25

You are being unreasonable for letting this man live off you.

You should put your children first.

He occasionally pays for food? What a joke

springtimeishereagain · 22/03/2022 07:25

Does he really think it's fair that you pay for all his living expenses for the next 20 years so he can leave a house to his oldest dc? He might not even own all the house!

And meantime, he's paying nothing to his other dc and you are paying for everything. Insanity.

I hope he calms down and you can talk about it and come to a resolution that you're happy with.

Shiteshow100 · 22/03/2022 07:26

My mum had this. His ex lived in the house mortgage clear and the money that was paying the mortgage' actually paid to set up a restaurant and gave his wife and kid the best possible life. The child even went to private school and went on loads of holidays exploring the world.

Your being an absolute mug sorry. Put your kids first because if he's putting this on you then he obviously doesn't care that much, his priority is his other family not you.

Laniania · 22/03/2022 07:36

My take on it is it’s a emotional connection too , she left him for another relationship and he struggled to pay the mortgage alone for years after ( hence why he left to work abroad to pay for it )

Sounds like he's living in the past and he doesn't sound very committed to you, your life together or your joint child.
Bit rich he's accusing you of being too "comfortable" when you have worked very hard and successfully looked after yourself and your children, and, it seems, made good financial decisions prior to getting involved with this man - which is more than he's done. Seems like it's about emotions, not sense, with him - except when it comes to you and your DC. Which would upset me.

GabriellaMontez · 22/03/2022 07:40

@sunlovingcriminal

I can't see that you've answered a basic question that has been asked: why doesn't he rent it out?

Then he doesn't have to sell it, but can cover some or all of his mortgage from the income.

Or use it as an air b n b let then he could still use it.
Namelessnancy · 22/03/2022 07:42

Surely a rental income he has to pay tax on is better than no income at all? Who on earth can afford to pay a mortgage to keep a house empty? Aside from the financial issues by the end of the mortgage a house which has been left empty for years could be in a terrible state.

DogInATent · 22/03/2022 08:01

After seven years he hasn't completed the divorce and resolved the issue of shared marital assets?

Depending which EU country the property is in, the tax issues around renting out can be 'interesting'. But so can the issues of owning property as a non-resident. He may see it as an investment, but has he really looked at what the property is worth, how much he's paying, and what the rate of return is? Mortgages on properties generally only create wealth when there's a benefit from living in the property or an income from rent. Long-term mortgages in empty property are usually a loss vs. other forms of genuine investment.

BluebellsGreenbells · 22/03/2022 08:06

Have you been to the house OP?
Have you visited that country and had a holiday there?

Just worth checking

PriestessofPing · 22/03/2022 08:19

It does sound as though he hasn’t released his ties to his marriage totally. He also may be thinking he has that house as a kind of insurance in case it doesn’t work out with you. If he sells it and goes all in with you where wound he be if you didn’t work out? It’s sort of understandable given he already got divorced once, but he should have thought through the consequences of his actions moving to another country and the commitment he made by choosing to have another child.

Frankly, he needs to decide - is he all in with you or is he still hedging his bets emotionally and holding out so he has a property and investment to return to if you guys don’t work out?

Therealjudgejudy · 22/03/2022 08:20

Hes not your partner, he is a cocklodger.

Hes not a good dad because he is using you and treating you like a total mug.

Quitelikeit · 22/03/2022 08:20

There’s only one person in a comfortable position here and that is him!

You have been very kind and generous not to mention patient- he has took a lot from you and he likes things that way.

I admire your boundaries - put the boot in today. Don’t let this drop. Keeping his house for his son?! What about his other child - his pride should be enough to seek better employment so he can contribute more to you and your life together.

Does he treat you at all?

You are by all means subsidising him enormously whilst he maintains and invests in his own and his sons future. This really is to the detriment of your own self and family.

Take action

billy1966 · 22/03/2022 08:22

OP,

You sound like a great woman who works hard.

Unfortunately you have brought a using loser into your childrens lives and had a baby with him.

Having a baby with a man who only buys a bit of shopping is absolute madness.

Get rid of him.
He may be nice, of course he is, he's living off you.

You are being used here.
I'm so sorry, but you need to make better decisions.
Flowers

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 08:25

even if it means our newborn will be without a dad

If he's the brilliant dad you say he is this wouldn't happen. Do you honestly believe it would?

Cocomarine · 22/03/2022 08:33

How is it even a sensible decision to leave it empty for years, in a separate country to both owners, him and his wife?
Is not likely to be targeted by squatters, vandals, or just degrade over time with no airing and attention?
Money from letting aside (and not all counties have a lucrative lettings market) it seems the more sensible security option anyway.

Namelessnancy · 22/03/2022 08:33

OP you've mentioned one of the problems with renting would be permission from the .
mortgage provider. Surely this would be less of a problem than leaving it empty. Most residential mortgages (UK at least) don't allow for the property to be left empty for extended periods do they? Likewise insurance?

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 22/03/2022 08:56

@Mfsf

I’ve asked him this and I’ve looked at the legal side it would involve changing his mortgage to allow him to rent it and would then mean any income from it would be taxed on him and his ex . So basically a ton of issues . His best option is to sell it , he has paid interest and gained equity even if his ex was to have 50% . He knows this , I know this . The real question at this stage is does he accept the unfairness of this all on me and my kids or does he choose to keep being selfish ? In which case he will need to go , even if it breaks my heart and above all the kids because they are so attached to him and even if it means our newborn will be without a dad . It’s my responsibility to do what’s best for the kids future and I’m well aware of it . This thread just helped me confirm it . Unfortunately saying it and going through it are 2 different things so emotionally I’m really upset
That all sounds pretty crappy, I suppose selling would be the best option, he could ring fence the profit from his part of the sale for his own kids, then use use the freed up money from his income to support his new family
mushroom3 · 22/03/2022 08:59

could he let out the home so that the mortgage is paid?

Quartz2208 · 22/03/2022 09:00

Is the home just sitting empty?

But yes they are really your options

Sswhinesthebest · 22/03/2022 09:00

So if he’s paying £500 mortgage then £250 of that is automatically his wife’s (going indirectly to her) - on top of the maintenance he pays her.
If they decide to keep it as a joint marital asset, her half of the mortgage should be paid out of her maintenance.

If he wants to keep an investment/foot on the property ladder, then sell it and buy something here that you can actually rent out and make an income from.