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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset over partners mortgage AIBU

285 replies

Mfsf · 21/03/2022 22:30

My partner moved in 2 years ago , prior to this I lived alone with my 2 kids and paid all my bills and consider myself quite independent financially .
When he moved in it meant he had to leave his job abroad . He found a job straight away but he earns half of what I do . So basically I kept paying everything as I already did it anyway and he pays some food shopping when he comes shopping with us . I have a ok wage but I don’t have much after paying for everything myself and now 3 children , with covid some months I even struggled this year , but normally enough to visit my family abroad and a small holiday that my kids love and got used too and that we have always done .
We have since had a baby together .
I actually do not mind the financial burden is mostly on me all of the time , with his wages he is paying his mortgage and child support for his child ( obviously this last is 100% fine and essential) .
My issue now is he cannot afford to go on holiday , even if I pay for it he will still have his mortgage and it would mean he would not earn for those weeks .
This has really upset me , this is not something I want to take away from my kids . Why should I stop myself from giving my kids what they are used too so he can have a empty house that he pays mortgage for? He refuses to let it too .
He has this “ idealistic idea “ that it’s something he can leave his son , which is fine but not only he still has 20 years of mortgage to pay but his ex wife is still in the mortgage despite not paying for it since they divorced 7 years ago . So I’m expected to never be able to go on holiday or even contemplate a place together simply because he likes the idea to have a home ?
I love him , the kids love him but I admit the fact he pays towards this completely separate life to us and expects me to make sacrifices is really starting to make me resent him .
To make it “ worse “ my youngest eventually will need some childcare and I’m pretty sure he is assuming I will pay for it or just work with her at home ( I do work from home but I have constant meetings and we did discuss I would need at least a few days a week of childcare as I have meetings and constant phone calls )
Am I being unreasonable to fell upset ?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/03/2022 00:40

Why isn't he renting out his home abroad to cover the mortgage?

He sounds either stupid, stubborn or both.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 22/03/2022 00:51

Is he planning on moving back and that's why he won't sell it or even rent it out? Is it his escape plan?

He can buy a life insurance policy and make the first son beneficiary instead of hanging on to this asset for what could be DECADES.

Or is housing scarce in that country and he is sitting on a gold mine?

Fossilsmorefossils · 22/03/2022 01:17

Why isn't he renting it out?

Walkingalot · 22/03/2022 01:17

So he's paying all the mortgage on a property that he only half owns with his ex wife and intends on leaving his share to his other child, not even your child with him. While you subsidise him over your children and child together. I could maybe understand him keeping hold of it if there were only a few yrs to go but this isn't the case. This isn't fair on you. I'd question his true motives for keeping an empty house and his commitment to you and your child and definitely do not marry him.

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 22/03/2022 01:27

Can he retrain/qualify to earn more? Does he have plans to increase his salary?

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 22/03/2022 01:41

OP can I ask, does his ex wife still have any stake in the house that he's hanging on to, or has he paid her off completely? If she does still have a stake in it, you do realise don't you, that not only are you subsidising his continuing ownership, but will eventually be contributing indirectly to putting money into her pocket when he is forced to either sell it or give her half the value? Clearly, as you have now said, you need to have a serious conversation with him, but under no circumstances would I cancel the holiday plans that your children look forward to, just because he can't or won't contribute enough to the household. Insist he sells the other house or tell him it's time he moved back to it would be my advice. Good luck, and please come back and tell us how things go after the chat.

NeverChange · 22/03/2022 01:49

Call me cynical but leaving a house overseas empty just doesn't add up?

Surely for security, insurance & upkeep reasons alone it would be rented our, even temporarily?

Are you sure he isn't also in receipt of rental income as well as making the mortgage?!

Also why would he want to hold in to a non income producing asset in a country he no longer has a connection with to kept for 1 son's inheritance,even though he has 2, when neither son has an connection with the country either. Surely disposing of it and using the sale proceeds for a more profitable investment would make more sense?

None of this adds up unless he is pure stupid, like really dim. I suspect he isn't or certainly not as much as he would like you to think.

PiperPosey · 22/03/2022 02:11

OP.. My husband was divorced and had to pay his ex through the roof...she is an alcoholic and so she showed 0 income and could qualify for disability ( Yes in USA) she could get disability because of her alcoholism but refused. Angry

He had to give her 1/2 of his income (58-65 when he retired) I resented it... but finally decided... ( Why is alimony so expensive? because it is worth it) and I signed up for it...( marrying him) she gets his Social Security ( but it doesn't affect him) He gets it too.

She also got 1/2 of his retirement...blah, blah, blah...
But I have him. Ride or die. It just is what it is... He is 74 now and enjoys working to get out of the house.

It was worth every penny he had to spend on her. Your husband sounds like a good man. [ flowers] but I can understand how you feel...I totally understand it.. 100%... I would rather him a husband who is loving me and taking care of past responsibilities...if that's what HE signed up for...

PiperPosey · 22/03/2022 02:13

PS... sell the house...Period... Wine

wtfwasthatmate · 22/03/2022 02:41

So he's building up an asset while you provide for two extra people. Nice. Sounds like a great guy.

Rummikub · 22/03/2022 02:45

I think it really does depend on the country. It might not be worth that much.
Maybe he feels guilty for starting a new life far away from his teenage son. And the promise of a house inheritance may make up for it.

If he sells that house then if seems fair to consider the inheritance in the family jobs for all the children

Monty27 · 22/03/2022 03:00

Over my dead body would some man by cocklodging in my home.
Particularly to the detriment of my DC's.
One tried it. As soon as I realised this he was history.

Bahhhhhumbug · 22/03/2022 03:16

Surely if he dies before his exw she will get the house first not his son? She should be paying half that mortgage too surely or have her name taken off it ? Sounds like they are both taking the piss tbh

sausagesandchamp · 22/03/2022 03:17

Are you content to subsidise him? To have an extra mouth to feed and no partnership of a joint income? He sounds like your mistress and you keep a roof over his head! And your children are ultimately missing out by not getting the benefit of time and money you are unconsciously spending on him.

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 03:34

If you're not married you're stuffed, especially as you had a kid with him without getting married. You now have no claim to his pension for your child together, nothing. It frustrates me so that women don't make sure they get married when they find out they're pregnant. It's not about being old-fashioned, it's legal protections for yourself and your child, as well as Next of Kin medical decisions, funeral/end of life etc. What he is doing is unfair to you and unfair to your child. So a house abroad is sitting empty and he is putting dead money into it. He would be better off selling and instead saving a deposit for his teen to get a house with. This situation is messy and it's unfair on you.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 22/03/2022 03:34

@Mfsf

I admit I was hoping for actually helpful advise . He is not a bad person , and he is a great dad . Some of the comments are a bit vicious like “ I pity your kids “ as I said my kids never went without and I’m only now contemplating the holidays issue . I might need to just push for him to sell the house and go from his decision . My kids are 100% above anyone else and I would never make them pay for my mistakes .
You have had some very helpful advice - you just don't like it.
TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 22/03/2022 03:37

@OverTheRubicon

Why is he a great dad when he's depriving children like this? And expecting you to work from home with a toddler, while also being the main earner? Great dads treat their children's mums with respect.
^^ THIS
DancingBarefootOnIce · 22/03/2022 03:43

You haven’t answer the question regarding his plans for his empty property. You said he wanted to leave it to his son but he has a child with you too. Doesn’t it bother you that they will not get the same inheritance? Unless we’ve misunderstood you?

Best of luck with things. I’d go on holiday with the kids and leave him to continue working.

knitnerd90 · 22/03/2022 03:44

He's the father of the youngest, yes? He should be paying for half the child care when it's time.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/03/2022 03:49

You’re not unreasonable but you are abut daft for getting yourself in this situation. Abs having a child with him.

He sounds like a total sponger but you are linked together now via child. Seek legal advice and basically circle your wagons to prevent him or his ex-wife coming after your property.

Does your ex contribute anything to the family?

StoppinBy · 22/03/2022 03:54

You need a fairer split on household expenses, at the moment he can afford the mortgage because you are funding his living.

YANBU.

BritWifeInUSA · 22/03/2022 04:10

How does his mortgage mean you can’t go in holiday? Before you beg him you paid for the holiday and all your other bills. He’s even contributing to the shopping, according to your post. So that means you have even more disposable income. Either ask him to pay for his ticket or leave him at home.

Patapouf · 22/03/2022 04:18

Why are you subsidising his living costs so he can pay off a mortgage on a property not in your name?

Child maintenance would likely be more than the odd bit of food shopping. Sounds like financially you'd be better off without him plus no resentment.

femfemlicious · 22/03/2022 04:19

How do people get hemselves into situations like this...the mind boggles. How do you just let life carry you along onto thisShock

femfemlicious · 22/03/2022 04:28

@Mfsf

Because work meant he had to go abroad ? His son is a teen and they have a great relationship. He visits and they talk daily . That’s a bit unfair
He left his son to work abroad then left said job to live with you?. Does that make sense to you?. Expect him to happily abandon your child too when he feels like it.
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