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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset over partners mortgage AIBU

285 replies

Mfsf · 21/03/2022 22:30

My partner moved in 2 years ago , prior to this I lived alone with my 2 kids and paid all my bills and consider myself quite independent financially .
When he moved in it meant he had to leave his job abroad . He found a job straight away but he earns half of what I do . So basically I kept paying everything as I already did it anyway and he pays some food shopping when he comes shopping with us . I have a ok wage but I don’t have much after paying for everything myself and now 3 children , with covid some months I even struggled this year , but normally enough to visit my family abroad and a small holiday that my kids love and got used too and that we have always done .
We have since had a baby together .
I actually do not mind the financial burden is mostly on me all of the time , with his wages he is paying his mortgage and child support for his child ( obviously this last is 100% fine and essential) .
My issue now is he cannot afford to go on holiday , even if I pay for it he will still have his mortgage and it would mean he would not earn for those weeks .
This has really upset me , this is not something I want to take away from my kids . Why should I stop myself from giving my kids what they are used too so he can have a empty house that he pays mortgage for? He refuses to let it too .
He has this “ idealistic idea “ that it’s something he can leave his son , which is fine but not only he still has 20 years of mortgage to pay but his ex wife is still in the mortgage despite not paying for it since they divorced 7 years ago . So I’m expected to never be able to go on holiday or even contemplate a place together simply because he likes the idea to have a home ?
I love him , the kids love him but I admit the fact he pays towards this completely separate life to us and expects me to make sacrifices is really starting to make me resent him .
To make it “ worse “ my youngest eventually will need some childcare and I’m pretty sure he is assuming I will pay for it or just work with her at home ( I do work from home but I have constant meetings and we did discuss I would need at least a few days a week of childcare as I have meetings and constant phone calls )
Am I being unreasonable to fell upset ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mfsf · 21/03/2022 23:33

I think you are right and I think it might not even go past today as he just got home from work

OP posts:
MingeofDeath · 21/03/2022 23:34

Time after this story crops up on MN; bloke doesn't pay his way, we've got a baby together. I really dont understand why women put up with it and then then get pregnant.It baffles me completely.

BambinaJAS · 21/03/2022 23:34

@Mfsf

I admit I was hoping for actually helpful advise . He is not a bad person , and he is a great dad . Some of the comments are a bit vicious like “ I pity your kids “ as I said my kids never went without and I’m only now contemplating the holidays issue . I might need to just push for him to sell the house and go from his decision . My kids are 100% above anyone else and I would never make them pay for my mistakes .
You are letting emotion override your ability to be objective.

What really matters in this picture from your frame of reference is your small child.

He is not contributing from a financial standpoint to the life of your own child. And you have also implied that this will continue going forwards, with your life likely getting much worse due to childcare costs.

He has an asset he can sell. The equity can be divided between him and his ex, thus helping your family (him included).

You need to be very honest with yourself here.

Your husband has chosen to financially prioritise his previous family over your own.

Thats why you are feeling bitter. You see this now.

Summerfun54321 · 21/03/2022 23:34

Why on earth is he paying a mortgage on an empty house? He needs to sell it or rent it or leave you alone.

GrazingSheep · 21/03/2022 23:35

You have put your children’s financial security at risk by moving this man into their home. And further damaged it by having a child with him and most of all by allowing him to live off you

TheBigPeach · 21/03/2022 23:37

I think you need to sit down with him and have a really honest conversation. Does he know all of this about your own financials and how you struggle some months? You say he’s a good man so he should be open to this talk and I would put it to him, what is he planning to do to pull his weight here?

Rummikub · 21/03/2022 23:37

Time for that chat

If he sells that place then would he come onto the family home mortgage. A solicitor would be useful so can draw up a fair will.

NorthSouthcatlady · 21/03/2022 23:38

Not sure where to start with this. He needs to step up and actually pay his way. I’m a grown up and more than pay my way. He’s not a child. He either needs to get a better job, work more hours and / or get a 2nd job. Or offload the mortgage. I’m especially amused by the idea you care for your child whilst working. Why you?! Can’t he? You are paying your way but he isn’t so logically it’s him really

SomePosters · 21/03/2022 23:40

While the comments could have been gentler you have been given helpful advice

You don’t have a partner you have a cocklodger

Now he has trained you to accept this incredibly unfair situation and he has no reason to change it since it works for him to be subsidised by you

I despair at the situations women put up with and still feel unreasonable when trying to level the plating field when they’re being played

At the very least go on holiday without him so your kids don’t miss out because he is rinsing their mum

Pallisers · 21/03/2022 23:40

In the short term, go on holiday with your kids without him.

In the longer term - well he might be a nice guy and all but he will leave a house to his son on the back of your children. Everything you spend on him is money you could be saving for your own children. He prioritises his son financially but you aren't doing the same. He is able to do so because you are subbing him - out of money that should be going to your own children not a grown man.

By the way, does he talk about leaving that house to both his children or just the son from his first marriage?

Radyward · 21/03/2022 23:42

Its not an equal partnership at all and i dont mean financially equal.his priorities are so skewed..it feels like he is keeping a safety net should ye break up and he has a base abroad still. Not v committed .if my kids suffered after me having a new baby and
a partner who just rolled along dropping me a few quid for the groceries i would be fuming and if he didnt change sharpish. Ge would be out the door. Great dad / crap partner just doesnt gel well

Sswhinesthebest · 21/03/2022 23:43

At the very least he should be paying half the bills and living expenses eve n if you pay the mortgage. If he can’t afford his share of the living costs then he can’t afford his mortgage,

uncomfortablydumb53 · 21/03/2022 23:48

He's gaining everything he wants from this arrangement. Indirectly you are paying his mortgage and housing him now
What are you gaining from your relationship?

BlueSummerBaby · 21/03/2022 23:53

Kick him out, don't get financially entwined with him, don't marry him. He's a user. Claim child maintenance from him. You'll be quids in without another adult in the house using electric/gas/water/food and pushing up the council tax bill. If your wages aren't good any more you could be eligible for some government assistance too.

Original poster
Mfsf · 21/03/2022 23:55

Thank you all one way or another . I will be having a hard chat and will need to make some life changing decisions .
I guess part of the reason why this was not discussed was because I felt bad he heft a job abroad to come here , a well paid one so I guess without realising I felt guilty . But it’s been 2 years and if his life is to be with us then his commitments including financial should be here .

OP posts:
Rummikub · 21/03/2022 23:56

What was his job there? Could he do it here?

NumberTheory · 21/03/2022 23:56

It doesn't sound fair that he's building up an asset while you pay all the living costs but...

You seem to indicate in your OP that he gave up a more lucrative career to move to the country you live in. That's a big sacrifice. I'm not surprised he thought it wise to maintain a nest egg.

Your current arrangement doesn't seem balanced, but I'm not so sure the chorus of what boils down to "cocklodger" is entirely valid. You should sit down and talk about how to balance all your financial needs, including both your needs for financial nest eggs and enough to cover a reasonable standard of living.

whynotwhatknot · 22/03/2022 00:00

Why isnt his house he so wants to keep being left to both his children

HellToTheNope · 22/03/2022 00:07

You have chosen poorly, chose to have a baby with him, and now have to live with the consequences. What can any of us advise? You either end the relationship or decide to live with things the way they are.

Original poster
Mfsf · 22/03/2022 00:11

I agree with you , hence me saying he is not a bag person , we probably should have had this chat early on and achieve some boundaries .

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 22/03/2022 00:14

Why does he live in a different country from his eldest child, that doesn’t scream good dad to me? Is it possible he might do that to your child one day?

Original poster
Mfsf · 22/03/2022 00:18

Because work meant he had to go abroad ? His son is a teen and they have a great relationship. He visits and they talk daily . That’s a bit unfair

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 22/03/2022 00:27

HNRTT OP but while you are thinking things through, have you thought about estates and wills with having a young child and a DP. He might have a claim against your estate if a DP and more so if married and it sounds like residual guilt? about his eldest might mean he might not definitively have your youngest's back let alone your elder compared with his eldest though I hope he'd have his priorities sorted.

Good luck with the conversation about his financial commitment.

Zilla1 · 22/03/2022 00:33

It sounds like you have got where you need to and the holiday issue was more a trigger to discuss the fundamental issue. To give him the benefit of the doubt, it may be residual guilt together with a NMW job that has led to his preference to keep the house for his eldest to inherit and not to want to let it but it sounds like you need to talk and he needs to think through the consequences of his preferences which might be manageable if well-paid but less so if a NMW job means you are subsidising him and his DC at the cost of all your children. It will be interesting if he can make the changes or if push will come to shove. Your DC, both the elder and your youngest need him to be on board and contribute.

Good luck.

caringcarer · 22/03/2022 00:38

He needs to sell the overseas house as he can't afford to keep it. He has 2 children so needs to contribute to both. Point this out to him. Go on holiday with your children and let him stay home alone. It might make him think a bit. Tell him he needs to pay half of your child together nursery fees too. Point out it is unfair he provides for one of his kids but not the other. If he does not sell house or rent it out I would be ditching him and making him pay child maintenance.