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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DF giving £200k to DB

250 replies

PercyGoat · 21/03/2022 21:53

DH & I own our house (mortgaged). We both earn good money and we work hard for it. We lack for nothing and we do treat ourselves.

My older DB lives in a house share. He hates the idea of owing money to anyone. He has a big deposit already but not enough money to buy something outright.

DF called me a few days ago. He is about to retire and his pension is not enough to cover his bills. He owns some assets (~£500k plus) in addition to main house but he does not have enough cash from pension each month. He said he also has cash savings but reluctant to spend. He did not ask but I said - don't worry i can transfer you £500 each month to help out.

Today, DM called me and said she had an argument with DF. DF is using his cash and selling some assets to buy DB £200k to buy a flat outright.

AIBU to be angry?

OP posts:
Original poster
PercyGoat · 23/03/2022 16:19

My parents are not old. They don't need much help day to day. They have a cleaner who is also their ironing lady.

I have taken my DM on all-paid girls holiday before. If she ever needs anything (usually to do with internet shopping), I always get it for her and I would not dream of ever asking for money.

My DB never buys anything for anyone. He will not use his bank card online which really limits any kind of shopping for anyone, let alone himself. Even his train tickets are bought by my DPs. I'm pretty sure that all his clothes are bought by my DM.

I've spoken to some friends in real life about this. They echo what other posters have written here. Apparently, it's quite common for parents to do more for the child who is less able.

There is really nothing I can do. I'm distancing myself from the whole situation. However, I will not be financially helping anyone. They can go to DB for anything in the future.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/03/2022 16:19

It's awful giving all this money to one child while expecting you to bankroll him. I bought my son a house but I only have one child.
I expect he is desperate to see both children settled but not at your expense. Not without fully discussing it with you. There has been no communication here.
Maybe have a long chat about it with him.

Original poster
PercyGoat · 23/03/2022 16:21

@MissM2912

Is your brother vulnerable? Sounds like they know he won’t really ever cope independently as opposed to being lazy?
No, not vulnerable. He will not take on any kind of commitment. He has never been in a relationship. He remained at university for as long as he possibly could. He never had a job before 35. He does not have any friends... and speaks to my DF 3 times a day over the phone!!!!
OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 23/03/2022 16:47

Your dm needs to learn internet shopping too, children shouldn’t be funding parents unless their millionaires. Some people are really good at looking all helpless but looking at it another way their just grifters.

Dh knows a family where the adult kids are going to get a massive shock when the parents die and the daughters had it all.

eldora · 23/03/2022 16:56

OP, I’m glad you’re stopping the monthly payments and distancing yourself from it, but if it were me, I would be telling them how unfair this is and that they have basically treated you like a second class child.

Lose your shit, you’re allowed to.

maybloss2 · 23/03/2022 18:02

Do yr parents live together? As surely your mum is going to be out of pocket too? Sounds a bit mad to me.

godmum56 · 23/03/2022 18:05

@PercyGoat

DF has £500k in assets. He also has cash savings but i don't know how much. He said he is worried as his pension does not cover his bills. I thought i was being helpful while he figures out how to liquidate his assets.

I didn't know that he was liquidating assets to gift £200k to my DB!! This was a complete shock. But it's more about how unfair it all is.

I'm the one who always helps out.

why?
Yorgos · 23/03/2022 18:14

This has been the story of my life. I am the eldest with two brothers. The youngest brother, who we call Golden Boy, has been bankrolled by my parents his whole life. He is now nearly 60 and has just been given a house. Long story. I too intensely dislike it when children are treated differently.

SeasonFinale · 23/03/2022 18:16

I very much suspect if you treat your Mum to her shopping, pay for all expenses paid holidays for her and that you can afford to sub them £500 pm going forward that they believe that you are potentially very wealthy as there aren't many that could do all that. In their minds you don't need the money and DB does.but they don't realise how unfair and unappreciated it makes you feel.

BeanStew22 · 23/03/2022 18:21

@PercyGoat: I’m really sorry to read this story, I think it is sadly not uncommon for the more capable children to get screwed over, especially daughters, EXACTLY as @billy1966 says

It happened in my family, my parents lived to regret it and my mother us changing things (but took over a decade)

I would suggest you kick up a MASSIVE stink about being treated unfairly, directly ask if it’s because you are a daughter, make the point that you have given them their DGC not him etc etc

I’d honestly be saying stuff like ‘who are you’ to my dad as he is treating you so unequally

They may not go ahead, or may live to regret this

LannieDuck · 23/03/2022 18:25

If your DP say it's about inheritance tax, why aren't they splitting their gift equally between you and DB?

hennaoj · 23/03/2022 18:26

Well at least you know in advance to not bother looking after your parents when they are older. Your brother can do it!

yellowsuninthesky · 23/03/2022 18:40

[quote Dinoteeth]@berlinbabylon
40% of £200k is £80k

40% of 100 is 40 x 2 = 80[/quote]
40% of £100K is £40K. I think the £40K referred to the £200k being half owned by the mother. But then again you have rules about assets passing to the spouse tax-free and only then being taxed so there might not be any IHT at all even if the not so DF died within 7 years.

The OP's DF definitely needs advice before doing anything like this!

yellowsuninthesky · 23/03/2022 18:40

only then being taxed ie after the mum dies too

Hertsgirl10 · 23/03/2022 18:47

Sorry if this has been covered already, I can’t see on the updates anything but might have missed it it’s been said.

Could you Dad have done this so he has inheritance before your parents pass away?
The taking money from you is a piss take when he’s done this.
Just trying to understand what could make him do this, It sounds like your brother and Dad are quite close so I’m thinking it’s something like he wants your son to be settled and happy while he’s here to see it?

I think you should just support your mum and stay out of it but not give anymore money or get into any conversations when he pleads poverty again, just ignore it.

Beautiful3 · 23/03/2022 18:52

I would stop helping with money. He ought to sell the property to release money, as he's struggling. He certainly shouldn't be giving it to your brother, it's unfair. I would explain this to him.

Londoncallingme · 23/03/2022 18:58

If he needs the £500 a months until assets are liquidated you could still do this - as a loan until he has the cash. Then he can pay you back and gift your brother whatever he wants to gift. You don’t need anything from him anyway so why not be happy that your brother will have some security?

godmum56 · 23/03/2022 19:00

@Londoncallingme

If he needs the £500 a months until assets are liquidated you could still do this - as a loan until he has the cash. Then he can pay you back and gift your brother whatever he wants to gift. You don’t need anything from him anyway so why not be happy that your brother will have some security?
ha! would you trust him to pay it back?
godmum56 · 23/03/2022 19:01

PS why are they your dear father and dear brother? That's not what I'd call them!

mediciempire · 23/03/2022 19:03

tell them you're upset. ask about your own inheritance. it's a difficult thing to do but it might help them see sense.

Original poster
PercyGoat · 23/03/2022 19:04

@Hertsgirl10

Sorry if this has been covered already, I can’t see on the updates anything but might have missed it it’s been said.

Could you Dad have done this so he has inheritance before your parents pass away?
The taking money from you is a piss take when he’s done this.
Just trying to understand what could make him do this, It sounds like your brother and Dad are quite close so I’m thinking it’s something like he wants your son to be settled and happy while he’s here to see it?

I think you should just support your mum and stay out of it but not give anymore money or get into any conversations when he pleads poverty again, just ignore it.

I think there is some inheritance tax planning but I don't think that's the main motivation. I think he wants DB to be settled.

DB is close to DF. I think DF sees some inequality in our lives. However, I worked for everything to get where I am. On the other hand, DB has had everything handed on a plate.

I've made peace with this. There is nothing I can do. I'm staying out of it. But I'm not going to be taken for a mug. They can go to DB next time they need anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
PercyGoat · 23/03/2022 19:05

@Londoncallingme

If he needs the £500 a months until assets are liquidated you could still do this - as a loan until he has the cash. Then he can pay you back and gift your brother whatever he wants to gift. You don’t need anything from him anyway so why not be happy that your brother will have some security?
Haha! Grin No, just no.
OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 23/03/2022 19:10

@Londoncallingme

If he needs the £500 a months until assets are liquidated you could still do this - as a loan until he has the cash. Then he can pay you back and gift your brother whatever he wants to gift. You don’t need anything from him anyway so why not be happy that your brother will have some security?
Do you know OP? Does she have mug tattooed on her forehead?
BlueOverYellow · 23/03/2022 19:23

@LJAKS

I think that's his choice and he can do so if he wishes I suppose, but I would absolutely be reneging on the £500 a month offer. That's essentially you then bankrolling the flat for your brother in some roundabout way.
This

Tell him immediately that obviously you won't be sending him cash so he can bankroll your brother's life. If he can afford to that, he certainly doesn't need your help!

grapewines · 23/03/2022 19:29

I'm staying out of it. But I'm not going to be taken for a mug. They can go to DB next time they need anything.

Good for you.