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AIBU?

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Original poster

DF giving £200k to DB

250 replies

PercyGoat · 21/03/2022 21:53

DH & I own our house (mortgaged). We both earn good money and we work hard for it. We lack for nothing and we do treat ourselves.

My older DB lives in a house share. He hates the idea of owing money to anyone. He has a big deposit already but not enough money to buy something outright.

DF called me a few days ago. He is about to retire and his pension is not enough to cover his bills. He owns some assets (~£500k plus) in addition to main house but he does not have enough cash from pension each month. He said he also has cash savings but reluctant to spend. He did not ask but I said - don't worry i can transfer you £500 each month to help out.

Today, DM called me and said she had an argument with DF. DF is using his cash and selling some assets to buy DB £200k to buy a flat outright.

AIBU to be angry?

OP posts:
WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 23/03/2022 09:38

@PercyGoat

UPDATE: Thank you for everyone who has taken the time to comment.

I spoke with DM (who was originally against the idea). She said that DF has explained to her it was the right thing to do for inheritance tax purposes, and she actually agrees after looking at the figures. DB is living in a house share and they really want to see him in his own house. And for the bombshell... the £200k and an additional £100k gifted/saved over the years will be used as deposit towards a proper house for him!!!

So DB ends up with a bigger deposit and potentially more expensive house than me. I know it's not a competition... but I worked since I was 15. DB did not work a single day in his life until he was 35!!!

I know I sound grabby... but I'm the one who has always helped in the family business. Anyway... I'm distancing myself from the whole situation as there is nothing I can do.

Well if we are talking inky about inheritance tax….

What they are doing is dangerous.
My parents have done something similar but it has been done in such a way that it doesn’t deprived them of the money they might need as they get older.
It’s all well and good to say ‘I’m giving money to my dcs now so they don’t pay any taxes on it when I die’. But if you actually end up needing that money, what are you going to do?

It’s even worse when this is the man who accepted money from his dd because he couldn’t make ends meet!

Also he is setting up a situation where one dc will get more than the other (I imagine there won’t be £300k lying around for you so you don’t pay inheritance taxes too?).perfect storm for resentment to build.

Your parents are taking you for granted there. It’s not going to end well.

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/03/2022 09:51

I’d step back & not fund their lifestyle when it all ends in tears.

frazzledasarock · 23/03/2022 10:22

I don’t think you sound grabby at all OP.

Sounds like you’re the one who is responsible and works and helps materially and you are the one being shafted.

I would not lift a finger to help them in future. Take a leaf out of your brothers book and tell your parents how hard up you are and terribly averse you are to relying on banks and loans of any sort.

I’d remember this

Original poster
PercyGoat · 23/03/2022 10:45

@SeasonFinale

If there is a family business that you have helped in (does that mean you work there now or just ad hoc help?) perhaps they intend to leave the business solely to you and not your brother?
I don't work in the family business. It was ad hoc since I was 15. More like a Saturday job or anything that needed doing. I still help out now but very occasionally.

DB was the bookish one and has never so much as answered a phone call for the business.

The business will be sold as no one can take over from DF. The funds from the sale will be part of the £200k being gifted to DB.

My parents have their main home where they live now - worth about £500k on top pf everything else. There is no plan to tell of course as it's their home. I suppose if there are any care bills, this is where it will come from.

OP posts:
SarahProblem · 23/03/2022 10:55

I hope you've been clear to DM and DF that your offer of £500 is very much rescinded.

grapewines · 23/03/2022 10:57

I'd be stepping back and leaving them to it. This would piss me off so much. It's grossly unfair, and I couldn't look at any of them the same.

RobertsRadio · 23/03/2022 11:03

Wow Op, after your update, I don't blame you for feeling hurt and for taking a step back. I think from now on keeping your distance, refusing any requests for help with money, the business, anything, is the right decision. Your parents have made their intentions clear, they intend favouring the lazy, feckless child over the hard working, responsible child, but you don't have to part of this craziness. I hope you demanded that your £500 is repaid asap. What a disappointment your parents are.

billy1966 · 23/03/2022 11:07

@grapewines

I'd be stepping back and leaving them to it. This would piss me off so much. It's grossly unfair, and I couldn't look at any of them the same.
This.

Now you know you can express your displeasure and simple step away.

Your father is a disgrace.
Mooching off his hard working daughter whilst planning to pass several hundred thousand to a son who's never done a days work in the family business or worked before he was 35.

Don't be shy about telling people either.

This happens far more frequently than you realise and yet these people always want to remain in their homes and for their daughters to skivvy for them as carer.

It is driven by parents who simply cannot bear to see their son as not being successful.

Do you visit, do much for your parents?

If so, step really far back and take a lot of space.

Let the consequences of their actions sit with them.

Disgraceful behaviour.

Longclaw88 · 23/03/2022 11:07

Absolutely ridiculous.

Can you send me the £500 each month instead?

MakeUsACuppa · 23/03/2022 11:25

Wow!

You don't sound grabby OP, what your parents are doing is grossly unfair. I would step away.

I've been in a similar situation and I have stepped back and moved on, if my sibling can live with the fact then that's on them. I treat my DCs as much the same as I can.

AskingforaBaskin · 23/03/2022 11:29

I would honestly tell them both to choke on DB dick.

This is absolutely disgusting. I would cut them both off. Hope they enjoy having the waster as their only support in their dying years.

Gilly12345 · 23/03/2022 11:31

Have you spoken to your DB?

A family conference is needed here and top of the agenda is treating your children fairly.

I feel for your DM.

CurzonDax · 23/03/2022 11:47

@Gilly12345

Have you spoken to your DB?

A family conference is needed here and top of the agenda is treating your children fairly.

I feel for your DM.

I doubt a family conference or speaking to DB will help at all.

Why would DB want to put a stop to this, to be fairer on his DSis - he is the one benefitting massively from this.

I also suspect that DF response to anything she says about her own children will be, "They're your children, not mine", or "But DB isn't married, and neither does he has children, so anything will eventually go to your own children anyway." (Of course, the reality is that there is nothing to stop Db getting married or having his own children in the future).

I don't feel for OP's DM anymore. I initially did, but after the update - it seems that DM agrees to all this, and thinks it's all for the best.

I agree with the PP about telling them both to choke on DB's dick.

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 23/03/2022 12:12

Well the DM might well have been side-blinded and convinced this was a good choice Wo seeing the issue. Esp if the DF is very convincing and/or she isn’t financially savvy and/or the DF is controlling/works from a very patriarchal position where women don’t have a say (the fact more or less none of the assets are in her name could point to that).

2DogsOnMySofa · 23/03/2022 12:29

So when do you get your 300k OP?

RantyAunty · 23/03/2022 12:52

It's hard to get my head around it.

It sounds like your DF is sexist. Does your DM have access to any money or does she have to ask to buy a new coat?

Your DF and your DB sound quite a bit alike. Playing poor in a way when they're sitting on a lot of money. Your DF probably has a lot more than he's telling you. Very cheeky for him to accept the money.

Has he been happy for your successes or do you feel you're always trying to gain his approval?

I'd wash my hands of the lot of them.

contrelamontre · 23/03/2022 13:24

DB's new house entirely funded by parents should be roughly 50/50 tenants in common with you (slightly less share for you to reflect the deposit he's putting in) and then he can buy you out whenever he wants. Only consideration on that is that as you already have a property in your name it would make the stamp duty bigger, but you could come to some agreement on that. I would make that proposal.

contrelamontre · 23/03/2022 13:27

And be aware that if they want to stay in their home and need care and have given all their savings to DB, I don't think it's him they'll be expecting to provide for the help they need (either financially or practically).

Nicholethejewellery · 23/03/2022 13:30

@contrelamontre

DB's new house entirely funded by parents should be roughly 50/50 tenants in common with you (slightly less share for you to reflect the deposit he's putting in) and then he can buy you out whenever he wants. Only consideration on that is that as you already have a property in your name it would make the stamp duty bigger, but you could come to some agreement on that. I would make that proposal.
For that to be fair OP would have to give DB half the share in her own home though. It would make more sense and be a lot simpler for her to just accept the arrangement described, DB owns 100% of his home and OP owns 100% of hers. Ultimately their assets are just a result of how they've lived their lives.

It's strange how the vote is going here, 95% YANBU to parent not being able to do what they want with their money. On another thread earlier the voting was 95% YABU for expecting inheritance because parents should be able to do what they like with their money! I guess the people who read the first thread are different to the ones who read the second.

contrelamontre · 23/03/2022 13:36

For that to be fair OP's parents would have needed to have bought her house for her!

AskingforaBaskin · 23/03/2022 13:45

@Nicholethejewellery OP bought her house. So the DB wouldn't have a claim.

This is £300K being given to one child. There is no universe that that would be a fair decision.

And they absolutely can do what they want with their money. OP isn't stopping them, she can't. Not in any legal way at all.

But as before if I were her they would all be dead to me.

grapewines · 23/03/2022 14:00

When they need care they can look to your brother. The gall of your father taking your money when he knew he was going to do this.

Lampzade · 23/03/2022 16:02

Op’s parents probably think that there is nothing wrong in what they are doing. In their eyes Op is doing well and it is only ‘ fair’ that DB have his own home despite being a lazy arse.
This is definitely more common than one would think. I posted something similar a few months ago in a thread about inheritance and house buying.
My relative gave her feckless son a large deposit for a house and some extra funds for renovations.
Her daughters have always worked ( even as teenagers) and are successful. She has not given these daughters a penny. In fact , they have assisted her financially for many years. They take her on lovely holidays ,buy her nice gifts. Yet their mother is only interested in helping the child who does sweet FA for her
The daughters still speak to said relative, but refuse to do anything to assist her financially. They have already told their DB that if their mother needs care in the future, they will be expecting DB and his wife to provide care.
The irony is that the mother would expect her daughters to take care of her in the future if
required

Op , you are not being grabby at all. Your parents are out of order in my opinion, particularly as they have been taking £500 a month. Using your to find DB’s life

Lampzade · 23/03/2022 16:03

Fund DB’s life

MissM2912 · 23/03/2022 16:13

Is your brother vulnerable? Sounds like they know he won’t really ever cope independently as opposed to being lazy?