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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DF giving £200k to DB

250 replies

PercyGoat · 21/03/2022 21:53

DH & I own our house (mortgaged). We both earn good money and we work hard for it. We lack for nothing and we do treat ourselves.

My older DB lives in a house share. He hates the idea of owing money to anyone. He has a big deposit already but not enough money to buy something outright.

DF called me a few days ago. He is about to retire and his pension is not enough to cover his bills. He owns some assets (~£500k plus) in addition to main house but he does not have enough cash from pension each month. He said he also has cash savings but reluctant to spend. He did not ask but I said - don't worry i can transfer you £500 each month to help out.

Today, DM called me and said she had an argument with DF. DF is using his cash and selling some assets to buy DB £200k to buy a flat outright.

AIBU to be angry?

OP posts:
Dinoteeth · 22/03/2022 08:41

It’s your bros choice not to buy - you can say this. If accepts the money he’s a shithole - don’t say this, but you could say you are sure he wouldn’t want to accept it as it just wouldn’t be responsible.

You don't know what DDad is saying to the brother, we have plenty assets, it makes more sense to give you money to buy now than for you to wait until we die.

The Dad probably hasn't mentioned that buying the flat cash would give them a short term cash flow problem until they can liquidate more assets.

Newmumatlast · 22/03/2022 08:52

@Moodycow78

Well it's unfair to only give to one child, I couldn't do it. If I were you I wouldn't be giving DF £500 a month though, he can afford his retirement he's choosing not to by giving his money away, his choice but not your responsibility.
Agree. He can afford his retirement. He just doesn't want to sell/liquidate his assets. That is his choice. Yet he is quick to do so to provide for your brother just because your brother doesnt want a mortgage. How many of us do?! I wouldn't be offering £500pcm anymore. Unless he gives you 200k too of course
NeedleNoodle3 · 22/03/2022 08:54

Stop discussing finances with them.

30mph · 22/03/2022 09:02

Surely these are marital assets? What is your mother doing about it?

Thinkingblonde · 22/03/2022 09:06

Does your father live in penury whist keeping his money and assets to himself… pockets and short arm syndrome? Maybe it’s time to remind him that shrouds don’t have pockets.
If his pension isn’t enough for him to live on and he has assets he can access he’s in a much better position than many other pensioners.
I can understand his desire to help his son out but not the way he’s doing it. Taking from one child while giving to the other.

ivykaty44 · 22/03/2022 09:07

You have every right to be angry. Your father didn't refuse your money and then is gifting this to someone else - its' deceitful. I'd be furious

Thinkingblonde · 22/03/2022 09:07

Long pockets and short arm syndrome*

hugr · 22/03/2022 09:08

@BambinaJAS

£200k is far over the gift limits. Your DB would have to pay tax on that income.

The only way this works is if your DF buys the house himself (cash), and puts your DB on the deed.

If DF lives for 7 years, there will be no tax payable on the gift, no matter the amount
Sswhinesthebest · 22/03/2022 09:12

If that money is needed for a care home, there is no time limit to get the money back. It’s called deprivation of assets.

Thatswhyimacat · 22/03/2022 09:17

'He hates owing money to anyone'

Oh boohoo, your poor DB. Hates OWING money but apparently no scruples about just taking it?

Holidays27 · 22/03/2022 09:24

Tell your brother that you are happy for him but since he doesn’t have to pay rent anymore he can give your father £500 per month for the foreseeable. It is only fair

IncompleteSenten · 22/03/2022 09:29

I'd be asking my for the 500 back.

I'd also be concerned about your mum. She has no say in how their money is used. That's bad.

Original poster
PercyGoat · 22/03/2022 09:31

DB is not disabled. I would 100% support if he was. DB made bad life choices. He has always been adverse to taking on any kind of responsibility. He chose to stay at university and pursue long term education in a field where he was told there was no job prospect. He joined the job market 10 years later than his peers. He does not drive or own a car. My parents still have to buy his train tickets when he comes visit. The only holidays he goes on are when my parents take him along. He does not have a partner.

I started work as soon as I could. I set up a couple of businesses which have been successful. People view it as easy money but I work very hard in my business. I also married young. My DH has a traditional job but got promoted quickly due to abilities. We are comfortable financially but we still have a mortgage!! We also live well - holidays, eating out etc.

DH and I have joint money and also separate accounts. I'm ashamed to admit it but i did not tell DH about the £500. he would have talked sense to me.

DF and DM have joint assets. It's all under DF's name for ease at the time as he was buying and selling stuff so easier for contracts. DM does not agree with the £200k gift. She says she wants to make sure that they have enough before making any gifts - which I completely agree with!

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 22/03/2022 09:37

Withdraw all the help you give them. Df can pay for outside services instead...
Cfers do come in all ages and sizes..

ssd · 22/03/2022 09:37

I think your dad sees a bit of himself in your brother and he feels sorry for him. And your brother is manipulative like your dad and uses this. They sound as bad as each other. And your poor mum has probably been railroaded for years and hasn't got a voice left. But you sound like you've done well, so count your blessings and look after your own family. Your parents and brother can keep each other company.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/03/2022 09:44

“Hi DF

Glad to see you sorted out your financial situation so quickly, and are now able to afford your bills. Who’d have thought you actually have enough to give DB a gift of £200k as well as being able to support yourselves. As you’re obviously all sorted now I’ll be stopping the £500 pm, just so you’re aware.”

Your DM would be better off if she were divorced as at least she’d have her own money under her control!

ScribblingPixie · 22/03/2022 09:47

I'm pleased your mum has her own pension anyway as your DH is pinching their joint assets from under her nose. IMO you should support her in preventing your father from doing this for her sake rather than making it all about you vs your brother.

MrKlaw · 22/03/2022 09:47

just the two siblings - you and DB? I'd be messaging DF your bank details for transferring your £200k across

grapewines · 22/03/2022 09:49

Your brother is taking the absolute piss, clearly, and your parents are letting him. I couldn't respect any of them, but I do pity your mother a bit.

JuneOsborne · 22/03/2022 09:55

Why do parents do this?

We've had similar. DHs brother was bought a house outright, deeds in his name. Also doesn't drive, doesn't really work (bits and bobs here and there). Train tickets paid for by whoever he is visiting.

DH and I have discussed how ineptitude is a great money maker in BiLs situation! But, we wouldn't trade lives for all the salt in the sea. DH used to be hurt by it, now he's pleased to be outside of the control that comes with the 'help'.

Let it go, you can't talk sense into someone hell bent on a scheme like this!

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 22/03/2022 10:01

I’d step back from being involved in your parents finances.
Your DF has SOME assets. It’s up to him to decide how he is going to manage that. But he certainly doesn’t need money just now.

The fact he accepted your proposal of the £500 is Shock tbh.

As you said, stop the DD. Don’t get involved with what he does. And keep an eye in your mum.
I don’t like the idea that he has all the assets in his name, decides what to do Wo asking her. Decides to give money to your DB when one month ago he couldn't pay all his bills so he was glad to accept handouts (sorry help!) from his dd.
I find that all very unsettling tbh.

twominutesmore · 22/03/2022 10:07

Can't you just talk to your dad and brother?

Who wouldn't take £200k if it was offered? Your DB may have no idea what the impact of an early inheritance would be on his parents.

Your dad may have every intention of amending his will to reflect the fact that your brother inherited this sun early.

Before you burn any bridges, or get even more upset, why not just ask? Not in an arsey text as some have suggested, but in a normal conversation - are you really giving db £200k? I feel a bit upset about it actually. Just give people the chance to explain.

Obviously if he's genuinely giving db £200k more than he's leaving you, because he likes him more or feels sorry for him, then that's different, but I doubt that's the case.

Gonnagetgoing · 22/03/2022 10:17

I'd be tempted to say to DP's - that's fine that you're buying DB a flat/house but only if you treat me in the same way either now or when you both die (will). Sounds heartless I know but...

Gonnagetgoing · 22/03/2022 10:18

Oh, do not give him more money! Just calmly state that £500 on a regular basis is a lot of money for you especially as you know they both have assets they can liquidise.

Gonnagetgoing · 22/03/2022 10:21

@PercyGoat

DB is not disabled. I would 100% support if he was. DB made bad life choices. He has always been adverse to taking on any kind of responsibility. He chose to stay at university and pursue long term education in a field where he was told there was no job prospect. He joined the job market 10 years later than his peers. He does not drive or own a car. My parents still have to buy his train tickets when he comes visit. The only holidays he goes on are when my parents take him along. He does not have a partner.

I started work as soon as I could. I set up a couple of businesses which have been successful. People view it as easy money but I work very hard in my business. I also married young. My DH has a traditional job but got promoted quickly due to abilities. We are comfortable financially but we still have a mortgage!! We also live well - holidays, eating out etc.

DH and I have joint money and also separate accounts. I'm ashamed to admit it but i did not tell DH about the £500. he would have talked sense to me.

DF and DM have joint assets. It's all under DF's name for ease at the time as he was buying and selling stuff so easier for contracts. DM does not agree with the £200k gift. She says she wants to make sure that they have enough before making any gifts - which I completely agree with!

@PercyGoat - the thing is - the life choices your DB made are his, and yes he's sacrificed other things but that's the way it is.

My SIL (DB's DW) has a younger brother who for years carried on studying and got the occasional job but it was more studying. They'd bought a flat for both siblings and he stayed there when he was studying/working in London. He married quite well to a woman who has her own property which they rent out in London and they're living in a property owned by her DM the other end of the country. So you could say that the younger brother has mooched off his DP's but they've been supportive of this.

Perhaps your parents have also been supportive of DB.