The Nephew Show!

[ClemFandangoo]

Would this annoy you? AIBU?

Every time (weekends) we visit DP’s parents DP’s brother’s boys are always there. Always. DP’s brother and wife never are just the boys. Even if they aren’t around, as soon as DP’s brother gets wind we are coming around he drops them over and they stay all day!

Don’t get me wrong they are lovely boys but they are tiring and constantly need entertaining. They can’t play on their own.

It used to be that when DP and I visited his parents it’d be the ‘Noah’ and ‘Ollie’ show, and we’d spent the whole time watching them perform dances, magic, singing… and SP’s parents would be all ‘ooh show DP & Clem xyz…aren’t they clever?!’ So we’d leave without having had any conversation with DP’s parents and I’d feel like I’m just there to clap and coo.

Recently they seem to have latched on to me, so when we are there they’re clambering over me, want to play with me and only me etc so I basically end up babysitting while DP’s Dad just slumps on sofa watching his sports and DP and his Mum have a lovely tea and natter. I feel like a mug (and yes I know I probably am).

So what’s brought this up again is that DP’s brother, wife and the boys were spending Mothers Day together as a family so we offered to take DP’s Mum (and Dad) out for a meal. Lovely adult time, can actually chat and get to know them. Then DP says ‘oh the boys might be coming!’ ?!?! I said why aren’t they spending time with their Mum? apparently they will be in the morning but wanted to come for the meal. Fab.

I was so annoyed I actually said to DP, God forbid they spend time with their parents! Probably was a bit off I said that, but I just want to spend some time with DP and his parents without DP’s nephews dominating! It changes the dynamic! Because of this I don’t really know his parents and they don’t know me!

AIBU? I feel like us visiting is seen as a chance to babysit their children. They never want to see us by the way, I can’t remember the last time they said more than a brief ‘hi’ to us as they’re thrusting their kids through the front door.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I’m very happy to hear that I am and just suck it up.

Can you imagine if you and DP get married? They’ll probably drop them off with you at your wedding !

There is one in every generation.

Cousin Matthew for me, Screaming Tom for DH.
When DH casually pointed out to his sister that her boy 'was the new screaming Tom' it stung but sadly no behaviour change. The childfree weekends are worth more than the guilt.
But for my girls it really compromised their relationship with the grand parents, every time we did the whole four hour trip we'd finally get out the car to find the niece & nephew. Sometimes because the parents were really busy with work, the cousins want to see each other, they hadn't seen granny for two weeks! The list was endless, pre Covid, every single visit for years was compromised by screaming Tom & Mavis Cruet. The grandparents are now feeling their age but are still expected to entertain, take care of washing, three meals a day plus snacks. We've invited them here but free weekends are few because of Mavis's horse riding/watching Tom play football (he's not a team player)/school concert, etc
But that's families, all weird in their own way. I just repeat ' not my circus, not my monkeys'

But it is sad to see my kids not as connected.

Also, are you expected to pay for the nephews?

No DP’s mother offered to pay, after I said to DP we can’t pay for them as well!

DP’s Mum has already phoned the restaurant and added two more seats so that’s that then.

No. No, no, no. I think I’d say “Let’s rearrange for another time when you’re free and we can spend some quality time with you.” Gets the message across, but isn’t unkind.

good call on spending the day with your dad.

Next time you visit the ILs and the kids are there, just go out somewhere and then come back when it's time to leave. Even if it's just taking a book to a café for 5 hours. I really really don't love other people's children and this would be an absolute no-go for me.

But then i would say: "nope, i want to see ILs not kids"

Haven't read the full thread, but ghoulish as it sounds, I reckon the in-laws are lining things up so the boys eventually inherit from you if you don't have your own DC.

Who pays for the boys' meals?

They're all CFs of the highest order. I'd stop going for a while, just send DP on his own and tell him why.

@Crunchymum

How long have you been together? You mention 'getting to know / not knowing' your in-laws?

How often do you visit?

By all means tell your DP that you don't enjoy being left to entertain the children or stop visiting. You cannot tell the grandparents not to have the kids round when you are there though (or tell the BIL not to bring them)

We got together September 2019, sort of just before COVID so it’s been weird circumstances with them being 3 hours away.

We visit about every month.

I

My siblings both do this. So I just stopped going as frequently.

Maybe say to DH you just need the day off?

You need to do this.

As your mum is unfortunately not with you, you are allowed to spend Mothers Day doing something else that isn't centred around it.

And yes the kids are actually excited to see you because you are the only adult who can be bothered to interact with them properly.

I’ve decided I’m not going to go, I think I’m going to spend the day with my Dad instead.

Agreed, good call. Let us know your DP's reaction, something tells me he will be crestfallen at losing his babysitter.

Just send DP. Wouodnr ve spending a precious day off looking after someone else's kids.
Enjoy getting your weekends back!

@ClemFandangoo

I think it's great you want to actually get too know DPs parents when you read half the IL crap on here. I often thought if people spent time betting to know others and chatting half the issues would be non existent!

Thank you, I do wonder if they want to get to know me though. Maybe they feel put upon too. We’ve invited them out for an evening meal before (that’s too late for the boys) but they said they couldn’t as they had the boys overnight that day!!

I think they're using 'the boys' as a shield NOT to get to know you.

Are you married to your DP? I'm wondering what the dynamic is in this family. I've been through similar and the bottom line is it's a bunch of weird people being weird.

I think i might be married to @Ozanj.

How often are you visiting OP? It sounds like you've experienced this a lot yet you say you're not established in your relationship yet. I don't think mine and DH's relationship would have lasted if all we did on weekends was drive for hours to see his parents.

I would suggest your partner visits on his own, but if you do go with him don't be so super fun and engaged. Be distracted, direct them to DP, nip out, make a call, send an email, check your premium bonds 😄. Don't feel bad about not visiting with your partner. His parents will probably enjoy the time just with their son (and grandchildren!). Don't get me wrong, I like my grown children's partners well enough, but I love it if we get to see the DC on their own. The dynamic is different and we're all just more relaxed.

The thing is, everyone thinks that everyone else must think their children, and grandchildren, are utterly fabulous, and must want to see them as often as possible. Probably shocked to hear otherwise, particularly as you live 3 hour away and can't see them often (you poor things 😂). I'd put money on the grandparents ringing BIL to say DS and DIL are coming, can you send the boys over? You need to stick to your guns on this one and say it's adult only meal. Good luck.

Maybe it’s their way of showing you how much fun it is to have kiddies under your feet all the flipping time so you hurry up and get knocked up…

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Can you imagine if you and DP get married? They’ll probably drop them off with you at your wedding !

Yes that crossed my mind and the thought of spending my day entertaining children almost gave me a panic attack!

Sorry, crossed post. Just seen you go once a month.

I see you’re not going. Good on you. The issue with letting this go on is that you are now established… as the babysitter.

Yes that crossed my mind and the thought of spending my day entertaining children almost gave me a panic attack!

No they will be your page boys and one of your poor bridesmaids will have to look after them.

Have you considered that maybe, because you indulge the children so much (I know it's hard not to when you're trying to get to know the family) they think you actually enjoy being an unpaid babysitter? Next time you go, I would be making it clear to DP before you arrive that he needs to be mindful of how much you are dumped on and he, as the link between you and his family, needs to step in after they have had a few minutes of fun with you. He should be saying "ok boys, leave Clem alone now. Go and play with xxxx thing. The adults want to chat". And then he, and his parents should be making sure they do that.

I think it is astonishingly cheeky for your dsil to add to the four adult booking on Mother's Day. I'm sure your dmil would love some adult only time with you. It is very convenient for your dsil to spend a few hours on the morning if mother's Day with her children then send them along, uninvited, for a meal with others. I think I would be inclined to be suddenly too ill to go out on Mother's Day. I would be ringing dsil to ask if she would like to take over the booking as her children and mil were looking forward to it and wouldn't it be lovely for them all to be together on mother's Day. Oh and don't forget to let her know you have rung the restaurant and they are able to take two more. In fact you have put a provisional booking in for them. 😁 If people are cheeky enough to alter your restaurant reservation they can hardly complain if you are helpful enough to do the same when you are suddenly too ill to go yourself 😁

@RedWingBoots

Maybe say to DH you just need the day off?

You need to do this.

As your mum is unfortunately not with you, you are allowed to spend Mothers Day doing something else that isn't centred around it.

And yes the kids are actually excited to see you because you are the only adult who can be bothered to interact with them properly.

Thank you, I’ve decided it’s what I’m doing. I feel mentally drained just thinking about it all.

They said to me last time I saw them that they couldn’t wait until we got married so I could be their Aunty I felt like the worst person in the world. I honestly do care for them a lot it’s just, they’re so exhausting and just there, all the time!!

I would spend the day with you Dad & leave your DP yo Ho and fiend it with his family - btw who is paying for the 2 nephews ?