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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The Nephew Show!

436 replies

ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 14:26

Would this annoy you? AIBU?

Every time (weekends) we visit DP’s parents DP’s brother’s boys are always there. Always. DP’s brother and wife never are just the boys. Even if they aren’t around, as soon as DP’s brother gets wind we are coming around he drops them over and they stay all day!

Don’t get me wrong they are lovely boys but they are tiring and constantly need entertaining. They can’t play on their own.

It used to be that when DP and I visited his parents it’d be the ‘Noah’ and ‘Ollie’ show, and we’d spent the whole time watching them perform dances, magic, singing… and SP’s parents would be all ‘ooh show DP & Clem xyz…aren’t they clever?!’ So we’d leave without having had any conversation with DP’s parents and I’d feel like I’m just there to clap and coo.

Recently they seem to have latched on to me, so when we are there they’re clambering over me, want to play with me and only me etc so I basically end up babysitting while DP’s Dad just slumps on sofa watching his sports and DP and his Mum have a lovely tea and natter. I feel like a mug (and yes I know I probably am).

So what’s brought this up again is that DP’s brother, wife and the boys were spending Mothers Day together as a family so we offered to take DP’s Mum (and Dad) out for a meal. Lovely adult time, can actually chat and get to know them. Then DP says ‘oh the boys might be coming!’ ?!?! I said why aren’t they spending time with their Mum? apparently they will be in the morning but wanted to come for the meal. Fab.

I was so annoyed I actually said to DP, God forbid they spend time with their parents! ShockConfused Probably was a bit off I said that, but I just want to spend some time with DP and his parents without DP’s nephews dominating! It changes the dynamic! Because of this I don’t really know his parents and they don’t know me!

AIBU? I feel like us visiting is seen as a chance to babysit their children. They never want to see us by the way, I can’t remember the last time they said more than a brief ‘hi’ to us as they’re thrusting their kids through the front door.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I’m very happy to hear that I am and just suck it up.

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 21/03/2022 14:58

I'd try and game the system. Some days only your DP goes as something came up for you. Some days you both turn up unannounced. Some days you only stop for a couple of minutes before going out for lunch. Some days perhaps a night visit. She's a girl of mystery, that Clem ...

SockFluffInTheBath · 21/03/2022 14:58

DP’s Mum has already phoned the restaurant and added two more seats so that’s that then.

So pull out, go see your own mum on Mother’s Day and leave them to it. Start saying no OP, and mean it.

Original poster
ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 14:59

Who drives there?

We share, one drives up the other back.

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 21/03/2022 14:59

Could you visit BIL and his DP while the nephews are with the GPs then telephone the GPs to say hi?

Original poster
ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 14:59

@SockFluffInTheBath

DP’s Mum has already phoned the restaurant and added two more seats so that’s that then.

So pull out, go see your own mum on Mother’s Day and leave them to it. Start saying no OP, and mean it.

My Mum is no longer with us
OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/03/2022 15:00

I really don't understand why you're volunteering for this.

What happens if/when you have your own kids (I really wouldn't by the way, sounds like your DP would just expect you to do everything anyway). But this is the way you are presenting yourself.

Be a Cinderella if you want to be. Or stand up for yourself. No-one else can do it and sounds like your DP couldn't give a crap to be honest as long as he's not put out.

Over to you...

CeleriacOfTheNight · 21/03/2022 15:00

I'd be tempted to cancel, and tell them you'd love to rearrange when it can be just you two and them

JodieFoster1 · 21/03/2022 15:01

Just read your update re DPs mother phoning the restaurant. I am really annoyed now (on your behalf Grin). I would cancel. You will be policing the kids during lunch for sure. You sound lovely but need to stand your ground, it will only get worse. Make a polite excuse and start backing away, it doesn’t have to be a drama. Let DPs parents have the two boys for lunch in the restaurant, they’ve made their priorities clear. DP’s brother and his wife are CF’s. Your DP sounds a bit wet!

Original poster
ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 15:02

@Zilla1

I'd try and game the system. Some days only your DP goes as something came up for you. Some days you both turn up unannounced. Some days you only stop for a couple of minutes before going out for lunch. Some days perhaps a night visit. She's a girl of mystery, that Clem ...
Haha love this! We did do something similar over Boxing Day we didn’t mention anything until last minute and left theirs early to do something else. DP’s Dad actually drove to pick the boys up so ‘we could see them’ before we left Confused
OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 21/03/2022 15:03

I was so annoyed I actually said to DP, God forbid they spend time with their parents!

I don't think that was off. It was exactly what I thought from the OP!

I think it's great you want to actually get too know DPs parents when you read half the IL crap on here. I often thought if people spent time betting to know others and chatting half the issues would be non existent!

BronwenFrideswide · 21/03/2022 15:03

We had no interaction with DP’s brother, DP only found out when he spoke to his Mum who then said she’d added two extra places!!

In that case your DP needs to locate his spine and tell his mother that the meal out was his treat to her for Mother's Day, his time to spend time with her and not a babysitting his nephews exercise. When he finds that spine he also needs to tell his brother that you and he are not a babysitting service for the nephews, he wants to spend time with his parents and just his parents. If he can't manage that then I suggest you don't go, leave them to it, reiterate that this was an adult occasion and a chance for you to get to know his parents without the distraction of the nephews as it is no longer that there is no point in you attending this or visiting at any other time.

Ionlydomassiveones · 21/03/2022 15:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

WingingItSince1973 · 21/03/2022 15:04

I feel so annoyed on your behalf! Do you go every weekend? It's not unreasonable for you to miss going a few times. Say its nice for your DP to spend quality time with his parents then see how he manages the nephews being around. You really do need to take a big breath and just tell DP that it's unfair you are treated like a babysitter each time. As for the fact they have included them in an adults meal out would make me so so cross. They are very very rude. Please make a stand for yourself. Xx

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 21/03/2022 15:04

They are all taking the piss here. The nephews’ dps and your pils all know how much work dc are, that’s why they’re avoiding it, and they are more than happy let a mug like you (sorry) do it.

Your dh hasn’t discovered that yet but he’s quite capable of ignoring what’s bloody obvious and right under his nose.

Opt out at the last minute because you’re not feeling well and leave them to it. next time you’re there claim a headache and send them to jump on the sofa with dh and fil.

I wonder what your dh would say if you told him you were considering not having dc of your own?

maresedotes · 21/03/2022 15:04

I feel annoyed for you! What age are they? Are they almost at that age when they'd rather stay at home/go out with their friends?

itsgettingweird · 21/03/2022 15:05

@ClemFandangoo

They will try and tell you 'it's because you're so good with them' but it's manipulation, don't fall for it.

I already get this, they are always just excited to see us, which makes me feel bad for feeling so annoyed. I know I’m a pushover Blush

I actually feel sorry for these boys. It seems their parents can't be bothered to spend time with them and they get excited over an adult who will.

Still not your problem or job though!

VivX · 21/03/2022 15:05

@ClemFandangoo
DP’s Mum has already phoned the restaurant and added two more seats so that’s that then.

I'd be cancelling my place at that and having a word with DP and DP's parents.
Let DP go on his own to that. Otherwise you would just be babysitting the nephews while the other 3 adults had a nice meal.

Also, are you expected to pay for the nephews? Because surely it would all be on the same bill.

Original poster
ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 15:06

I think it's great you want to actually get too know DPs parents when you read half the IL crap on here. I often thought if people spent time betting to know others and chatting half the issues would be non existent!

Thank you, I do wonder if they want to get to know me though. Maybe they feel put upon too. We’ve invited them out for an evening meal before (that’s too late for the boys) but they said they couldn’t as they had the boys overnight that day!! Angry

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 21/03/2022 15:08

Ever thought of mentioning how you can't wait to have kids as they're such good GPs and will be ever so helpful having them for whole days and overnight WinkGrin

Original poster
ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 15:09

@WingingItSince1973

I feel so annoyed on your behalf! Do you go every weekend? It's not unreasonable for you to miss going a few times. Say its nice for your DP to spend quality time with his parents then see how he manages the nephews being around. You really do need to take a big breath and just tell DP that it's unfair you are treated like a babysitter each time. As for the fact they have included them in an adults meal out would make me so so cross. They are very very rude. Please make a stand for yourself. Xx
No about every month or so. So not too often.

I’ve decided I’m not going to go, I think I’m going to spend the day with my Dad instead.

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 21/03/2022 15:09

Cancel this weekend meal - somethings come up. Would PIL like to come to yours for dinner another night instead? Get a takeaway if you dont want to have to cook. Make a big thing at the end about how nice it was to be able to have a grown up chat with them.

On weekends, send dp on his own. Regularly invite PILs over to you, or MIL alone.

The dns won't be little forever, and if you have dcs of your own later you might appreciate the cool older cousins entertaining them...

Crunchymum · 21/03/2022 15:09

How long have you been together? You mention 'getting to know / not knowing' your in-laws?

How often do you visit?

By all means tell your DP that you don't enjoy being left to entertain the children or stop visiting. You cannot tell the grandparents not to have the kids round when you are there though (or tell the BIL not to bring them)

Notajogger · 21/03/2022 15:09

My SIL does this, dumps her kids at MIL's the whole time whenever we visit. MIL likes having them there and I don't get lumbered but it's still annoying and means our DD misses out on that quality time with her.

Can you start meeting them half way for the day? Or planning kid-inappropriate outings for visits, rather than just going to their house?

You need to speak honestly to DP (that's the first thing -why on earth do you not feel able to do that?) and get him on side. He/you both can visit his DB and family separately, he needs to speak to his DB and/or parents.

Original poster
ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 15:10

@maresedotes

I feel annoyed for you! What age are they? Are they almost at that age when they'd rather stay at home/go out with their friends?
6 and 8
OP posts:
SockFluffInTheBath · 21/03/2022 15:10

@ClemFandangoo I’m sorry. Maybe say to DH you just need the day off?