The Nephew Show!

[ClemFandangoo]

Would this annoy you? AIBU?

Every time (weekends) we visit DP’s parents DP’s brother’s boys are always there. Always. DP’s brother and wife never are just the boys. Even if they aren’t around, as soon as DP’s brother gets wind we are coming around he drops them over and they stay all day!

Don’t get me wrong they are lovely boys but they are tiring and constantly need entertaining. They can’t play on their own.

It used to be that when DP and I visited his parents it’d be the ‘Noah’ and ‘Ollie’ show, and we’d spent the whole time watching them perform dances, magic, singing… and SP’s parents would be all ‘ooh show DP & Clem xyz…aren’t they clever?!’ So we’d leave without having had any conversation with DP’s parents and I’d feel like I’m just there to clap and coo.

Recently they seem to have latched on to me, so when we are there they’re clambering over me, want to play with me and only me etc so I basically end up babysitting while DP’s Dad just slumps on sofa watching his sports and DP and his Mum have a lovely tea and natter. I feel like a mug (and yes I know I probably am).

So what’s brought this up again is that DP’s brother, wife and the boys were spending Mothers Day together as a family so we offered to take DP’s Mum (and Dad) out for a meal. Lovely adult time, can actually chat and get to know them. Then DP says ‘oh the boys might be coming!’ ?!?! I said why aren’t they spending time with their Mum? apparently they will be in the morning but wanted to come for the meal. Fab.

I was so annoyed I actually said to DP, God forbid they spend time with their parents! Probably was a bit off I said that, but I just want to spend some time with DP and his parents without DP’s nephews dominating! It changes the dynamic! Because of this I don’t really know his parents and they don’t know me!

AIBU? I feel like us visiting is seen as a chance to babysit their children. They never want to see us by the way, I can’t remember the last time they said more than a brief ‘hi’ to us as they’re thrusting their kids through the front door.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I’m very happy to hear that I am and just suck it up.

Wise decision.

Expect some resistance!

It would be good for you to back off for a bit. Your partner can go see his parents by himself.

The comment from his dad should be something you take notice of. You say you don't know them well but you know him a little better because of that comment!

I have kids and would be really annoyed if anybody tried to foist anyone's kids on me

I could understand it if the kids' parents were also coming over because they wanted to see you and DP while you were there ... but the fact they just drop the kids there for you to entertain is outrageous. And it's also outrageous that it's you, not their grandparents or their actual uncle, who entertains them.

Also, they do sound like really hard work for kids of six and eight. When my brother's kids were that age, of course they'd want some attention now and again, but they would also be pretty happy to sit and play together or do some colouring or something while the adults were chatting. Or we'd all play a daft board game or Hungry Hippos or something with them as a family sometimes, so the burden wasn't on just one person if they needed entertaining. And my brother didn't just dump them on people!

@Scout2016

Do your DP and his brother not see each other? Do you spend time with him and your nephews then? Or do the brothers hang out? Strikes me as bit odd there's a fuss about dropping them off so DP sees his nephew, but not his brother.

It’s a weird relationship. Brother has come in a few times and not even said hi to either of us. Wife is the same. They get on but it’s just weird. Last time he kept saying how nice it was that we could go away for the weekend as we don’t have kids and I thought, well neither do you on the weekend! 🤭

Yes,you do need to speak up, and be more assertive, or else this will carry on being the same when you go to visit. It's not pleasant to be pestered by other people's kids all the time , whilst others sit by and take no notice.

I feel like everyone in this story is getting taken advantage of by the nephew's parents. PILs are probably thoroughly relieved to have some pressure taken off themselves when you visit, not that this justifies them using you as free babysitting. I think the only thing you can do is back off the visits a bit as the underlying problem is not one you can solve.

Nope, I couldn't deal with this. I wouldn't do it tbh.

I second pp's suggestion to mix it up a bit. Try inviting them (DP's parents) again to come and see you. Ask them to stop the night. Try turning up at their house unannounced. If the boys are then magically coming over, maybe there's some where you need to be.

It sounds like you've done too much of your husband's nephews' childcare for a bit.

Tbh, I think your DP's parents are being very unreasonable thinking that you want this whole thing with the nephews and I am very surprised that they are putting up with this from their son and not wanting to get to know you. If you want to get to know them and not be unpaid childcare for demanding children, you need to plan seeing them better.

@ClemFandangoo

Do you know what really peed me off last time. I’d spent a couple of hours keeping the boys company, then they went with DP and DP’s Mum to do something in the garden for 5 so I used that time to decompress and mindlessly scroll Instagram. DP’s Dad came downstairs and made a comment about me being unsocial and on my phone. Honestly I was says the man who sits there watching TV all day and not engaging with anyone!

What a dick.

I think I would have been entirely honest, and said, "I'm just having 5 minutes downtime while the boys are outside, they are lovely but very full-on and I've been playing with them all day."

The more you say, the more I think it is your DP's parents as much as the BIL and SIL who are driving this arrangement.

MIL adds them to the table in the restaurant without clearing it with you first.

FIL makes a pointed remark about you sitting there being unsociable when you've already been playing with the kids for two hours.

I can't help wondering whether the PILs find the two kids too much of a handful to manage on their own, and so they deliberately engineer visits to happen when you're there as well. Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

Go and have a nice day with your dad on Mothers Day and let your DP go on his own this time.

Those boys are going to grow thinking the world revolves around them and one day they'll end up on the sofa selfishly watching sports all day like their grandad

@rhowton

I initially felt like this when my BIL and SIL had their son, and he was constantly center of attention. Then I had my own, and I realised that I was being a bit unreasonable. I think once you have your own children, you'll feel a bit less annoyed.

Were they pawning the child off on you, specifically?

When you have your own children, that takes your attention away from nieces or nephews somewhat, I imagine?

My mother is like your BiL. She used to oust us onto various relations at every opportunity and there was a lot more of us!
Not nice for you and something we used to say to our mother but she wouldn’t hear of it and actually was offended if said relations complained.
You really have to be very straight with your in-laws, be prepared for them to take offence yet not acknowledge your viewpoint.
Honestly don’t take any nonsense from them and don’t let them turn this around to be your problem.

I was wondering how they "get wind of" your visit?

Why don't his parents say no?

His Mum changed the booking & he doesn't mind?

He doesn't actually do much with his nephews & leaves it to you.

Doesn't look good to me.

Are you sure that DP's parents aren't asking BIL to drop his boys off while you are there. It takes the pressure off them to entertain you.

SIL asked me before if I could drop kids off while she and then new DP visited HER parents. She wanted to take the pressure off her DP by having children around.

I wouldn't visit them so regularly tbh. A six hours round trip is a long time to spend with people who don't appear to make much effort with you. That doesn't mean they dislike you, they are probably just the type of people who don't like entertaining anyone. They may think by having the kids around that they are entertaining you!

And OP, if you and your DP ever break up you'll never see those children again, no matter how close you thought you were, or how much effort you put in.

This family will cut out.

Don't go...

That's it just don't go ...you are an adult human being why do your needs not get priority with yourself..never mind your partner...

Why do you think you want to go?

And I mean want...seriously think about this...your not married to them? Is the interest reciprocated?

I have never ever ever chosen to spend time with future/actual in laws.... I have spent the odd bit of time with them...but generally before I had kids I was busy doing other stuff or chilling out from working/hobbies etc since having kids they came first but in laws and my parents came to us as much as we went to them....until kids at school as then weekends more precious

Relationships are about respect but also you should be completely confident in your choice of jow to spend your free time.

Don't go to the lunch....your dp can take his mum if he likes ...

@ClemFandangoo

Do you know what really peed me off last time. I’d spent a couple of hours keeping the boys company, then they went with DP and DP’s Mum to do something in the garden for 5 so I used that time to decompress and mindlessly scroll Instagram. DP’s Dad came downstairs and made a comment about me being unsocial and on my phone. Honestly I was says the man who sits there watching TV all day and not engaging with anyone!

This is the point at which you should've given him a mouthful. You need better boundaries. There's none at all in evidence at the moment.

To that end I think it's really good that you've decided not to go this Sunday. All the other adults involved are taking the piss, but as things stand none of them have any incentive to change things. You doing the grunt work suits the other five very well. So make sure you stick to your plans with your dad. And stop going so often in the future too.

I think I would have been entirely honest, and said, "I'm just having 5 minutes downtime while the boys are outside, they are lovely but very full-on and I've been playing with them all day."

I actually did say words to that effect with the extra hint that I have a niece but she’s not as ‘lively’

@Youcansaythatagainandagain

Are you sure that DP's parents aren't asking BIL to drop his boys off while you are there. It takes the pressure off them to entertain you.

SIL asked me before if I could drop kids off while she and then new DP visited HER parents. She wanted to take the pressure off her DP by having children around.

I wouldn't visit them so regularly tbh. A six hours round trip is a long time to spend with people who don't appear to make much effort with you. That doesn't mean they dislike you, they are probably just the type of people who don't like entertaining anyone. They may think by having the kids around that they are entertaining you!

I think it's the other way round. It takes the pressure off DP's parents so they don't have to entertain the grandkids on their own.

Word of warning OP: with the kind of family dynamics you describe, if you ever have kids with your DP, there's a good chance you'll be left to look after them entirely on your own, with your DP and his family never lifting a finger to help. You'll be the house slave.

How often are the boys there when your not?
Are they there often or is it specifically when you go?

Your in-laws are users. All of them, BIL, SIL and PIL. This is a sign for you to think carefully about your future with your DP - who is also a user, BTW, if he's sitting back letting you entertain HIS nephews, while he has cosy teas and chats with your mum, and lets your FIL be rude to you.

Might it help to work out who is doing the inviting? Is it the boys' parents, or your PIL? I know my mum will often invite my husband and I round if my DB, SIL and DN and DNeph are visiting. It's nice to see them but to be honest I think my mum sometimes does it so she can have a break from the entertaining.

I have a similar situation with relatives at the moment! I think the best course of action would be to feign a headache and skip the meal; then miss a few more family weekends/days and say that you're just not feeling well for them. If your DP asks for details say that you're finding the constant expectation to babysit too much and don't feel up to it.

Alternatively book 4 seats for the theatre for something that kids would hate or book an evening meal at a pub after bedtime.

She's not your mum, she's your DP's mum. You don't need to visit her on Mothers Day.

Make up any kind of lie you like, but don't go. Just don't. Then your DP is going to find out just how much hard work these kids actually are, and why you're fed up with it.