Page 17 | The Nephew Show!

billy1966 · 22/03/2022 20:13

@ClemFandangoo

I’ve realised I do so much for others but it’s often never reciprocated. I have been doing a lot of soul searching recently.

Good for you that you have been reflecting on how much you do that simply isn't reciprocal.

Many women are people pleasers.
Many women continue doing this until they hit their 40,'s or/and menopause.

Suddenly they get cranky and their tolerance drops dramatically and they see things a lot more clearly.

They are unequivocally massively regretful that they didn't reign in their people pleasing tendency decades earlier.

It's not something people respect.

They think those that are, to be mugs, foolish, lacking in self worth, soft touches etc.

None of it flattering.

Those that impose most, tend to be users and not people that are genuinely interested in you.

They are out for themselves primarily.

So when you are asked to do something, start saying "I'll get back to you about that".
Then really think about what's been asked of you and by whom.

His family are not welcoming.
His mother is very rude to allow those children impose on you.
She is extremely rude to add to children to the booking.
His FIL has been very rude to you about you looking at your phone.
His brother and SIL are waster, avoidant parents.

And your boyfriend happily turns the other way and somehow didn't see all of this🙄.

You will hugely lesson your chance of long-term happiness and contentment, if you allow yourself to be treated rudely and with no consideration, by your partner.

Don't be in ANY rush to re visit.
Make other plans.

You deserve better.

WinniesHunny · 22/03/2022 20:28

@Magnificentbeast

YANBU. It sounds exhausting and not very enjoyable for you at all. Especially having travelled all that way. I can also see how it would interfere with you building your own relationship with your in-laws.

I know it's awkward but do your best to make the Mother's Day meal adults only and then make yourself unavailable for the next couple of visits. Make arrangements to catch up with your own friends/family.

I know it's awkward, but do your best to at least read the OPs updates if you can't be arsed to read the full thread before telling her to do something that was sorted yesterday.

NoToLandfill · 22/03/2022 20:41

Woohoo! Go you!
No, don't be kind. Do what you damn well want.

EthelTheAardvark · 22/03/2022 20:41

As your husband accepts that his brother is taking the piss by constantly dumping his kids on you and showing up when you visit MIL, is he going to say anything about this to his brother and SIL?

AnneElliott · 22/03/2022 20:53

YANBU - we used to drive past pils house if we saw s'ils car there. She had 3 kids and was always desperate to offload them!

Mojoj · 22/03/2022 20:53

I don't see the problem? Say no, you're not there to entertain their children. They're taking the piss and relying on you being too scared to upset anyone by saying anything. Grow a pair.

Marvellousmadness · 22/03/2022 21:17

First of all I would not visit my in laws every week! I would perhaps go every 3 weeks. Id let my husband go if he wants to go every week obvs.

No way. And tell your pil about wanting to spend time with THEM and not having the nephews over all the time. Say the same to SIl and BIL.

Tell sil and bil that the boys are not invited to the mothers day thing as it is a no kids venue. Or just tell the truth.

Its time to learn to speak up. Because that is really the only problem here. That you dont speak up. So try to do this op. Good luck

TheHaveN0ts · 22/03/2022 21:27

@ClemFandangoo

Would this annoy you? AIBU?

Every time (weekends) we visit DP’s parents DP’s brother’s boys are always there. Always. DP’s brother and wife never are just the boys. Even if they aren’t around, as soon as DP’s brother gets wind we are coming around he drops them over and they stay all day!

Don’t get me wrong they are lovely boys but they are tiring and constantly need entertaining. They can’t play on their own.

It used to be that when DP and I visited his parents it’d be the ‘Noah’ and ‘Ollie’ show, and we’d spent the whole time watching them perform dances, magic, singing… and SP’s parents would be all ‘ooh show DP & Clem xyz…aren’t they clever?!’ So we’d leave without having had any conversation with DP’s parents and I’d feel like I’m just there to clap and coo.

Recently they seem to have latched on to me, so when we are there they’re clambering over me, want to play with me and only me etc so I basically end up babysitting while DP’s Dad just slumps on sofa watching his sports and DP and his Mum have a lovely tea and natter. I feel like a mug (and yes I know I probably am).

So what’s brought this up again is that DP’s brother, wife and the boys were spending Mothers Day together as a family so we offered to take DP’s Mum (and Dad) out for a meal. Lovely adult time, can actually chat and get to know them. Then DP says ‘oh the boys might be coming!’ ?!?! I said why aren’t they spending time with their Mum? apparently they will be in the morning but wanted to come for the meal. Fab.

I was so annoyed I actually said to DP, God forbid they spend time with their parents! Probably was a bit off I said that, but I just want to spend some time with DP and his parents without DP’s nephews dominating! It changes the dynamic! Because of this I don’t really know his parents and they don’t know me!

AIBU? I feel like us visiting is seen as a chance to babysit their children. They never want to see us by the way, I can’t remember the last time they said more than a brief ‘hi’ to us as they’re thrusting their kids through the front door.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I’m very happy to hear that I am and just suck it up.

Go and see your mother on mother's Day and let him entertain the kids

NinaDefoe · 22/03/2022 21:38

TheHaveN0ts
The OP has said that she is going to see her Dad on Sunday.
Good decision.

BluebellsGreenbells · 22/03/2022 21:47

TheHaveN0ts why quote the entire OP?

Do you think we haven’t bothered to read to?

Zonder · 22/03/2022 21:55

And anyway didn't OP say her mother is no longer here?

EthelTheAardvark · 22/03/2022 21:56

First of all I would not visit my in laws every week! I would perhaps go every 3 weeks. Id let my husband go if he wants to go every week obvs.

OP doesn't. You need to read all her posts.

Original poster

ClemFandangoo · 22/03/2022 22:02

Go and see your mother on mother's Day and let him entertain the kids

Thanks for all the comments and help but I’m going to come off this thread now because I probably won’t get much more out of it and people not reading my posts and telling me to go and see my mother is upsetting.

OP posts:

Carriemac · 22/03/2022 22:36

@ClemFandangoo enjoy the day with your dad and ignore the posters who cannot be bothered to read the thread . You've had some good advice on this and you sound like a nice person being taken advantage of .

PolPickle · 22/03/2022 22:44

I feel your pain. Our nephew is a brat, it's all about him. He's so sulky and soft, cries at everything. His sibling doesn't get a look in, neither does our child. My inlaws, their Grandparents, definitely favour one side.

Rosesandthistles · 22/03/2022 22:59

@ClemFandangoo

Go and see your mother on mother's Day and let him entertain the kids

Thanks for all the comments and help but I’m going to come off this thread now because I probably won’t get much more out of it and people not reading my posts and telling me to go and see my mother is upsetting.

I'm sorry that some people have very poor comprehension skills and/or can't be arsed to read the thread. I hope you have a nice day with your Dad and you should be proud of yourself for taking a stand on this.

Catalinka · 22/03/2022 23:06

Sorry you've been upset by people being insensitive. Well done for being a bit more assertive and have a nice day with your dad and sister.

IamaBluebird · 22/03/2022 23:09

Hope you have a lovely day with your sister and your dad.

Grapeflavour · 22/03/2022 23:15

God this sounds dreadful. I'd never go to the parents' house again.

xmaswiththeinlaws · 22/03/2022 23:23

I'm just wondering how DPs SIL feels about her children being summoned to the grandparents so regularly, she could be equally hacked off that her time with her kids is being hijacked for their GPs and your "Benefit" and feel she can't say no any more than you can, or she could be a CF too who appreciates the free babysitting, either way the conversation needs to happen.
My DP/ his mother insisted on us visiting (his parents) every weekend when we were first together, it became quite draining and he couldn't understand why I didn't want to spend the whole of every weekend with them or drive a 50 mile round trip to "pop in with some photos" that could just as easily be posted. You have to have a break from the situation sometimes for them to appreciate you more when you are there. I agree that 6 and 8 year olds are hard work. Having spent 1 hour entertaining several this evening I am thoroughly exhausted and needed yoga and alcohol to recover.

Bostromani · 23/03/2022 06:02

I'm glad I read all the OP's updates, I went from being angry with the family, to being frustrated with her, and finally relieved that she'd put her foot down!.

I too have been in this position, but on a lower level - invited to friends BBQ as OH partner then treated as the babysitter/childs entertainer for what seemed like the entire day - it was once only though after I made it clear to OH I would make my excuses and leave if it happened again.

Hopefully the OPs family will have to reflect on their behaviour this next visit when she isn't there, and they actually have to look after these poor boys themselves.

TheGrinchsDog · 23/03/2022 06:34

@ClemFandangoo I think you might have a DP problem on your hands too.

Call me a suspicious bugger but I was thinking it's pretty off he's not stood up for you yet (or himself it seems - possibly a wider family issue he will struggle to change, leaving you always coming last?), his comments when you said you'd not leave him to entertain your niece sealed it for me.

Sounds like the family are dysfunctional at best and your DP is not able to challenge the status quo or possibly happy with it?

YupNameChangeAgain · 23/03/2022 07:42

Shocked by the replies so far !!!
Op wants a better relationship with potential in laws. That is the goal she has stated

How is she going to foster that if she
A) doesn’t go
Or
B) doesn’t engage

That makes no sense ! She will be the awkward cow who wrecked it all.

For me, the problem is OP with her partner
It needs to be tackled head on
DP has to call his brother and say it is not on
It is his time with parents

He would love to see Nephews separately so he can really focus on them with OP, but parents need to make a separate plan to meet up, come over

It is completely reasonable to ask for separate dates.

Meanwhile OP, book adult only activities woth DP. Some things that are nice for mums and daughters in law ( get dressed up, a glass of fizz )

Soon you will have a positive relationship with in laws amd hopefully not burnt any bridges with the rest of the family

Please don’t be upset - but DP needs to step up and instigate
Is it because family do t realise you are permanent and committed ?

lottiegarbanzo · 23/03/2022 07:52

She can't force her DP's parents to want a relationship with her.

custardbear · 23/03/2022 08:13

So sorry people are saying spend time with your own mum, maybe your time with your dad and sister can be a tribute to your mum on Mother's Day. I've lost both parents (in my 30's) so know it's hard - glad you're getting your other family sorted - the childrens' parents are CF and probably love shifting care so they can go have some time alone - this shouldn't be at your cost so glad you're putting a stop to it