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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The Nephew Show!

436 replies

ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 14:26

Would this annoy you? AIBU?

Every time (weekends) we visit DP’s parents DP’s brother’s boys are always there. Always. DP’s brother and wife never are just the boys. Even if they aren’t around, as soon as DP’s brother gets wind we are coming around he drops them over and they stay all day!

Don’t get me wrong they are lovely boys but they are tiring and constantly need entertaining. They can’t play on their own.

It used to be that when DP and I visited his parents it’d be the ‘Noah’ and ‘Ollie’ show, and we’d spent the whole time watching them perform dances, magic, singing… and SP’s parents would be all ‘ooh show DP & Clem xyz…aren’t they clever?!’ So we’d leave without having had any conversation with DP’s parents and I’d feel like I’m just there to clap and coo.

Recently they seem to have latched on to me, so when we are there they’re clambering over me, want to play with me and only me etc so I basically end up babysitting while DP’s Dad just slumps on sofa watching his sports and DP and his Mum have a lovely tea and natter. I feel like a mug (and yes I know I probably am).

So what’s brought this up again is that DP’s brother, wife and the boys were spending Mothers Day together as a family so we offered to take DP’s Mum (and Dad) out for a meal. Lovely adult time, can actually chat and get to know them. Then DP says ‘oh the boys might be coming!’ ?!?! I said why aren’t they spending time with their Mum? apparently they will be in the morning but wanted to come for the meal. Fab.

I was so annoyed I actually said to DP, God forbid they spend time with their parents! ShockConfused Probably was a bit off I said that, but I just want to spend some time with DP and his parents without DP’s nephews dominating! It changes the dynamic! Because of this I don’t really know his parents and they don’t know me!

AIBU? I feel like us visiting is seen as a chance to babysit their children. They never want to see us by the way, I can’t remember the last time they said more than a brief ‘hi’ to us as they’re thrusting their kids through the front door.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I’m very happy to hear that I am and just suck it up.

OP posts:
CruCru · 21/03/2022 14:46

Yep, just don’t go. Find something else that you want to do that weekend

SamphiretheStickerist · 21/03/2022 14:46

I’m not confident enough or feel established enough to speak up

If you think DP will abandon you over this then it isn't a relationship your really need, is it?

If you think the ILs won't like you who cares? They are using you already! They won't care. They'll just be miffed that their ruse has stopped working.

PinkGinBigGrin · 21/03/2022 14:47

You need to have an honest conversation with your dp.

Tell him you don't fancy driving anymore just to be an unpaid babysitter.

The IL's obvs enjoy having their dgc's round all the time or haven't got the gumption to tell their son and his wife "no".

I would just stop going and tell your dp he needs to make a point of telling his dp's you will be happy to go round when the children aren't there.
Very rude and strange of the newphew's parents to drop them round every time you visit but not hang around themselves.
A bit (a lot!) of honesty and straight talking is what's needed here.

PinkGinBigGrin · 21/03/2022 14:47

*driving 3 hours I meant

BowerOfBramble · 21/03/2022 14:47

I had a similar albeit less annoying situation where the whole extended clan would turn up when we visited, every time. I barely had a chance to talk to DP’s dad who’s a quiet chap and hasn’t a hope against the noise of grandchildren etc. The way I dealt with it was to put it positively to my partner “I would like to get to know your parents and it’s pretty much impossible to chat while the nephews are there, let’s have a lunch just the four of us” or whatever.

MaudieandMe · 21/03/2022 14:48

Clearly the brother and his wife are CF’s and have got used to having free babysitting from the grandparents every week-end.

However, I think you need to be much more assertive here rather than hoping your DP will step up, as he’s clearly not particularly inconvenienced by the arrangements.

If you’re taking someone out to lunch it’s incredibly rude for a third party to invite themselves along, let alone thrust their kids onto you.
Why didn’t you immediately reply to DP’s brother,

“No, we’re taking your parents out for lunch and it’s just going to be the 4 of us”. Another time maybe…(never!).

In your shoes, I’d stop visiting his parents if you’re going to used as free childcare. Invite them to visit you occasionally and leave it at that.

Original poster
ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 14:49

They will try and tell you 'it's because you're so good with them' but it's manipulation, don't fall for it.

I already get this, they are always just excited to see us, which makes me feel bad for feeling so annoyed. I know I’m a pushover Blush

OP posts:
BowerOfBramble · 21/03/2022 14:49

This is reminding me of my friend’s partner who takes my visits to see friend as a fab excuse to dump his parental responsibilities for the weekend and leave the kids with us. Fucking hate it.

If you didn’t have tits this would no way be happening.

Original poster
ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 14:50

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

Just say the restaurant is booked for four and they can’t accommodate more.
DP’s Mum has already phoned the restaurant and added two more seats so that’s that then.
OP posts:
MaeveKerrigan · 21/03/2022 14:51

Tell them you've booked a meal at a lap dancing club so kids aren't allowed.

TitoMojito · 21/03/2022 14:51

Oh this would drive me to distraction. In fairness I'm not a fan of spending time with kids in general but this is just free babysitting and robbing you of time with your in laws. Definitely speak to DP and see what can be done.

ThinWomansBrain · 21/03/2022 14:52

I'd stop going - but if you feel that's a bit drastic, first sign of being dumped witht the little darlings, take yourself off for a walk/drive or something else by yourself.

could the PiLs visit you instead (or would they still drag nephwes along?!)

Raindancer411 · 21/03/2022 14:52

I haven't read all the thread yet but have you told your DH to say you just want a family meal and get home to speak to his Brother. I mean who is also paying for the kids meals??

SamphiretheStickerist · 21/03/2022 14:52

Then she can ring back and reduce it by one, can't she?

Treeroo · 21/03/2022 14:53

Who drives there? Definitely start to have a good reason to let them miss you it is the only way for them to see all you have to do and do it now before they stop needing so much adult attention. On the other hand they probably love you more! Others not giving their time may well not be part of the fun memories the children will be developing with you.
I’d definitely say double booking so that’s off not pay for their kids too!

JodieFoster1 · 21/03/2022 14:53

You are being used as an unpaid babysitter, but you know that. It’s completely unfair and no wonder you are worn out afterwards. Easiest solution is to stop going. I know you want to get to know DP’s parents better but unfortunately they are putting other people first and it’s unlikely to change in my opinion.

Original poster
ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 14:54

@PinkGinBigGrin

You need to have an honest conversation with your dp.

Tell him you don't fancy driving anymore just to be an unpaid babysitter.

The IL's obvs enjoy having their dgc's round all the time or haven't got the gumption to tell their son and his wife "no".

I would just stop going and tell your dp he needs to make a point of telling his dp's you will be happy to go round when the children aren't there.
Very rude and strange of the newphew's parents to drop them round every time you visit but not hang around themselves.
A bit (a lot!) of honesty and straight talking is what's needed here.

Yes you’re right.

I find it so rude that DP’s brother can’t even be eased to spend time with DP and just dumps his kids on us. I actually feel bad for DP!

OP posts:
Original poster
ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 14:54

Be arsed I meant

OP posts:
PowerhouseOfTheCell · 21/03/2022 14:54

You need to harden up and put up a thick wall to all excuses
‘You’re so good with them’- don’t care not my kids
‘Oh but they miss you!’- don’t care not my kids
‘But this is good practice for having you’re own!’-nope, every time I see them my ovaries shrivel up that little bit more

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/03/2022 14:54

You need to stop going until this stops. Obviously you’ll want to see them sometimes but with their parents.

Explain that the meal was planned as adults only. If that’s not guaranteed, don’t go.

eldora · 21/03/2022 14:55

I actually feel bad for DP!

You need to stop feeling bad for your DP and feel bad for yourself and back yourself, no one else will until you do.

Hidingin · 21/03/2022 14:55

‘That’s nice, go and show DP/FIL/MIL’
‘I’m just talking to Dp/PIL right now, I’ll come and watch in a little while’
‘No I don’t want to play just now, maybe DP/PIL do’
‘I’m going to make a cup of tea, but maybe DP/PIL want to hear that story…’

And so on.

Also can you just turn up last minute, hey we’re in the area can we pop in for a cup of tea. - I know it’s 3 hours away but maybe worth a try.
Or also say you’re going a few times then cancel once the boys are already dropped off, that way PIL have to deal with them and they may put a stop to it themselves
Or take them places that children can’t go.

Original poster
ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 14:56

@MaudieandMe

Clearly the brother and his wife are CF’s and have got used to having free babysitting from the grandparents every week-end.

However, I think you need to be much more assertive here rather than hoping your DP will step up, as he’s clearly not particularly inconvenienced by the arrangements.

If you’re taking someone out to lunch it’s incredibly rude for a third party to invite themselves along, let alone thrust their kids onto you.
Why didn’t you immediately reply to DP’s brother,

“No, we’re taking your parents out for lunch and it’s just going to be the 4 of us”. Another time maybe…(never!).

In your shoes, I’d stop visiting his parents if you’re going to used as free childcare. Invite them to visit you occasionally and leave it at that.

We had no interaction with DP’s brother, DP only found out when he spoke to his Mum who then said she’d added two extra places!!

But yes they are CFs

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/03/2022 14:57

I can’t believe they think it’s Ok to just add them to the booking rather than even coming making themselves!

Original poster
ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 14:57

@ThinWomansBrain

I'd stop going - but if you feel that's a bit drastic, first sign of being dumped witht the little darlings, take yourself off for a walk/drive or something else by yourself.

could the PiLs visit you instead (or would they still drag nephwes along?!)

could the PiLs visit you instead (or would they still drag nephwes along?!)

They’ve never visited us, too far apparently. Confused

OP posts: