The Nephew Show!

[ClemFandangoo]

Would this annoy you? AIBU?

Every time (weekends) we visit DP’s parents DP’s brother’s boys are always there. Always. DP’s brother and wife never are just the boys. Even if they aren’t around, as soon as DP’s brother gets wind we are coming around he drops them over and they stay all day!

Don’t get me wrong they are lovely boys but they are tiring and constantly need entertaining. They can’t play on their own.

It used to be that when DP and I visited his parents it’d be the ‘Noah’ and ‘Ollie’ show, and we’d spent the whole time watching them perform dances, magic, singing… and SP’s parents would be all ‘ooh show DP & Clem xyz…aren’t they clever?!’ So we’d leave without having had any conversation with DP’s parents and I’d feel like I’m just there to clap and coo.

Recently they seem to have latched on to me, so when we are there they’re clambering over me, want to play with me and only me etc so I basically end up babysitting while DP’s Dad just slumps on sofa watching his sports and DP and his Mum have a lovely tea and natter. I feel like a mug (and yes I know I probably am).

So what’s brought this up again is that DP’s brother, wife and the boys were spending Mothers Day together as a family so we offered to take DP’s Mum (and Dad) out for a meal. Lovely adult time, can actually chat and get to know them. Then DP says ‘oh the boys might be coming!’ ?!?! I said why aren’t they spending time with their Mum? apparently they will be in the morning but wanted to come for the meal. Fab.

I was so annoyed I actually said to DP, God forbid they spend time with their parents! Probably was a bit off I said that, but I just want to spend some time with DP and his parents without DP’s nephews dominating! It changes the dynamic! Because of this I don’t really know his parents and they don’t know me!

AIBU? I feel like us visiting is seen as a chance to babysit their children. They never want to see us by the way, I can’t remember the last time they said more than a brief ‘hi’ to us as they’re thrusting their kids through the front door.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I’m very happy to hear that I am and just suck it up.

@user68901

have I missed something. Dp's brother and wife spending mother's day as family but not with their boys??? eh ?????

Yes you’re correct! Apparently they are spending all day except the (about) two hours meal, which the boys apparently asked to attend (they are 6 and 8) it’s madness really!

@Shinyandnew1

I also said to DP I would never just leave him with her and go off socialising with my sister and BIL in another room

What did he say to that?

What reason is he going to give to his parents about why you aren’t going on Sunday?

He said ‘I know’ he just thought I didn’t mind, just didn’t think. He knows now and knows I won’t put up with it.

That I’m spending time with my Dad. I think he can have a conversation about this whole thing with them another time.

@LizzieSiddal

What a great update, it sounds like you had a really good chat with DP and he now understands exactly how you feel.

Thank you I definitely feel better for getting it out there too.

Well done Op!

@billy1966

Good for you OP.

I think a good hard look at how amenable you are, how his family are, AND your partner are would be a good thing.

You sound like a lovely young woman who is probably too good for your partner.

Life is generally much harder than necessary for those who allow people to walk all over them.

You can fake it till you make it you know.

By this I mean deliberately choosing to be less accommodating.

Lots of people do this.

They realise that if they do too much they might be seen as a soft touch so they choose not to.

You can do this to.

Thank you so much!

There is definitely cure to ‘peoplepleaseritis’ ☺️

Let us know how his day is on Sunday. Is he going to tell his DP you're not going beforehand?

Well done op. It’s a shocking way to treat a visitor - particularly one who has travelled
So far. Such a lack of respect l. Why don’t the in-laws just had you a mop and bucket and get you to wash their floors while you’re at it?

Such a lack of respect

I agree with this. Sure, the boys are family - if they’re there the odd time you go round, then so be it. But it’s the consistency; the every time. And that stinks a bit. Accepting an invitation to a meal out….and then adding in two kids? No way. That’s just rude. Even in the event of a major emergency, that would warrant a “would you mind awfully if….or shall we rearrange?” sort of phone call. Stand your ground, OP.

I would stop
Playing and interacting with them at all.. sit and have tea and chat to MIL .. blank them
If they don’t have fun they won’t want to come

Be interested to find out how sunday goes at the meal when your not their to mind the kids. I do wonder if the dinner either wont go ahead or the kids wont come along. His parents response will be key here....

YANBU

Used to have this with my exH nieces! It was exhausting and irritating. I didn’t have children at the time and as lovely as they were, they were always there and everything revolved around them.

I would say to your do, go in your own to visit.. maybe not every time, but once in a while. I think it’s cheeky they’re coming to your meal..

The irony for me was once I’d had my children, ExH nieces were much older children, and it was all about my kids..

You sound lovely Op, and sounds like they are taking advantage of your patience and niceness!
I feel bad for saying this, not wanting to ruin Your other halves mum on Mother’s Day but just call in the morning and say you are unwell… let DP see her and you do something for you…they cannot use you as an unpaid babysitter!

I can’t imagine in what world two children would say they wanted to go on a meal out (expensive!) to a restaurant they haven’t been invited to, and other adults positively encourage this! It’s so cheeky!

I hope your DH won’t be paying.

Sorry, I'd rather have a blazing row over my refusal to entertain 2 kids on yet another weekend to which they WERE NOT invited, than meekly suck it up yet again.
I also think your ma in law has an almighty cheek in ringing the restaurant and adding two more seats when it was your DP's treat to them. So he has to pay for 2 kids who aren't his and the BiL and wife have an afternoon of adult company
Please don't complain when, if you keep doing the same thing (being compliant) you get the same result.
The answer is in your hands and unless you want this to continue when you have your own children, then it's your choice.
Just let the words roll off your tongue and stand your ground, otherwise it's your own fault.

Just tell your partner to go to his parents and you stay at home!

@August1980
No no no. What?? You encourage lying? How stupid is that? It doesn't solve the problem which will surface again and again.
I'm right against lying in any circumstances. It's always better to face the music and needs to be done only once, kindly but firmly with no argument whatsoever. No pleading or 'The boys will be disappointed'. It's the MiL's fault and they were not part of the treat.
I don't get that people won't stand up for themselves and seem afraid to speak the truth.
Doormats only get dirty feet wiped on them and if the OP doesn't pipe up then she deserves to be trodden on.

Well done OP. I hope you have a lovely relaxing day with your dad. You're doing the right thing for YOU and I'm glad you've found your voice.
I hope it carries on. Enjoy 💐

At least now you have DP on your side and he totally understands where you are coming from and the sense of injustice.

I would suggest a his parents don’t visit, because they like being ‘on tap’ to have the nephews. My MIL always refused to visit when DN was a baby just incase mum rang for her to have him! Always there when we went - 3 hour drive for us as well.

The worse weekend end DN was into cricket and GDad told DD she couldn’t play because she was a girl - wow she cried! We never stopped her playing any game based on gender. That didn’t end well.

She got to an age where she’d ask questions really loudly - why’s DN photo on the wall and not me? Why does DN have his own room? Why does DN have his toys here and I don’t? …. Sadly it never changed.

DN is totally spoilt, as you can imagine. Your children will never be treated as they are.

Sorry to be flippant but this set up is reminding me of the sitcom The Royale Family. MIL and FIL are Jim and Barbara. BIL and SIL are Denise and Dave. You and DH are jointly Anthony. I loved that show but this real life version does not sound fun.

This would annoy me SO much.

I have the feeling that there are mental health issues here, either with your DP's parents or the nephews' parents.

You need to start drawing a massive line and not accommodating this behaviour. If my dp did this and didn't change I'd have to leave or go mad.

I am loving your thread name btw the set up sounds so obnoxious

I've been following this thread with interest, annoyed on your behalf. In-laws can be crap sometimes in giving the girlfriend/partner the woman-work to do without even thinking about it. Does your partner only have brothers, by any chance? The boyfriends I've had with only brothers had parents who didn't seem to know what to do with me and would only talk with me about subjects they thought were female-friendly, though I thankfully didn't have to put up with being forced to babysit and then shamed if I took a 5 minute break! Stick to your guns on this one, there'd personally be no way I'd travel 3 hours to see them except for special occasions anyway, no matter how nice they were.

@ClemFandangoo

Do you know what really peed me off last time. I’d spent a couple of hours keeping the boys company, then they went with DP and DP’s Mum to do something in the garden for 5 so I used that time to decompress and mindlessly scroll Instagram. DP’s Dad came downstairs and made a comment about me being unsocial and on my phone. Honestly I was says the man who sits there watching TV all day and not engaging with anyone!

I would want to say “well I’ve been unexpectedly minding someone else’s children and your grandchildren while you watched tv for the last few hours so thought I would take a break.”

YANBU. It sounds exhausting and not very enjoyable for you at all. Especially having travelled all that way. I can also see how it would interfere with you building your own relationship with your in-laws.

I know it's awkward but do your best to make the Mother's Day meal adults only and then make yourself unavailable for the next couple of visits. Make arrangements to catch up with your own friends/family.

So pleased you've stood up for yourself, OP