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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The Nephew Show!

436 replies

ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 14:26

Would this annoy you? AIBU?

Every time (weekends) we visit DP’s parents DP’s brother’s boys are always there. Always. DP’s brother and wife never are just the boys. Even if they aren’t around, as soon as DP’s brother gets wind we are coming around he drops them over and they stay all day!

Don’t get me wrong they are lovely boys but they are tiring and constantly need entertaining. They can’t play on their own.

It used to be that when DP and I visited his parents it’d be the ‘Noah’ and ‘Ollie’ show, and we’d spent the whole time watching them perform dances, magic, singing… and SP’s parents would be all ‘ooh show DP & Clem xyz…aren’t they clever?!’ So we’d leave without having had any conversation with DP’s parents and I’d feel like I’m just there to clap and coo.

Recently they seem to have latched on to me, so when we are there they’re clambering over me, want to play with me and only me etc so I basically end up babysitting while DP’s Dad just slumps on sofa watching his sports and DP and his Mum have a lovely tea and natter. I feel like a mug (and yes I know I probably am).

So what’s brought this up again is that DP’s brother, wife and the boys were spending Mothers Day together as a family so we offered to take DP’s Mum (and Dad) out for a meal. Lovely adult time, can actually chat and get to know them. Then DP says ‘oh the boys might be coming!’ ?!?! I said why aren’t they spending time with their Mum? apparently they will be in the morning but wanted to come for the meal. Fab.

I was so annoyed I actually said to DP, God forbid they spend time with their parents! ShockConfused Probably was a bit off I said that, but I just want to spend some time with DP and his parents without DP’s nephews dominating! It changes the dynamic! Because of this I don’t really know his parents and they don’t know me!

AIBU? I feel like us visiting is seen as a chance to babysit their children. They never want to see us by the way, I can’t remember the last time they said more than a brief ‘hi’ to us as they’re thrusting their kids through the front door.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I’m very happy to hear that I am and just suck it up.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 21/03/2022 22:24

Hope your chat with DP goes well
Stand firm!

Hollywolly1 · 21/03/2022 22:26

@WickedWitchOfTheEast87
And all the babysitting you you still managed to come off the bad guy but fair dues to you for standing firm.

TokyoTen · 21/03/2022 22:45

Stop going there so much - DH can go and you can be "a bit busy". If you are there don't engage with the kids so much - veneer of politeness but essentially ignore. I'd some ridiculous performance starts go to the loo, talk about something else entirely or "receive a text message you must reply to" aka scrolling mumsnet! Sounds insufferable!

Londoncallingme · 21/03/2022 22:48

Open your mouth properly and have a conversation with DP?

ThisMammaCat · 21/03/2022 22:52

Well this sucks for both OP and the boys, OP being put upon and the boys palmed off.

Absolutely be sure to send a big ole bag of sweeties or two to make up for your absence- it will sort out any possible disappointment the boys might feel, and fuel their Show, of course Grin

BlueMumma2018 · 21/03/2022 22:53

YANBU. I feel like with in laws you have to be upfront, in a tactful way. I learnt this the hard way and was walked over for years. Maybe you could have a chat with his mum (if you get a break from nephews) and say you would love to spend some time with them more one to one, you ‘love’ the nephews, but would like to get to know them better Flowers

ElegantlyTouched · 21/03/2022 22:53

Hope the chat went well. I really hope your DH tells his parents why you won't be visiting.

Babochan88 · 21/03/2022 23:02

No offence but this is pathetic. Stop being miserable and let the kids enjoy themselves

Zonder · 21/03/2022 23:21

How did the conversation with your DP go?

Zonder · 21/03/2022 23:22

@Babochan88

No offence but this is pathetic. Stop being miserable and let the kids enjoy themselves
That would be fine if the kids enjoying themselves didn't involve Op looking after them the whole time.
eldora · 21/03/2022 23:22

@Babochan88

No offence but this is pathetic. Stop being miserable and let the kids enjoy themselves
The problem is the kids are enjoying themselves at the expense of OP, not their grandparents or uncle.
WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 21/03/2022 23:24

@Hollywolly1 my sister can be sly with her cheeky fucker behaviour its all dressed up nicely like she's being reasonable so it was difficult to call out but she'd had a few drinks at the wedding and was cocky with her expectations and she did it in front of our aunt who is very no nonsense and not afraid of telling her nieces and nephews when we're misbehaving regardless of us being adults and she said nothing as I did it so I knew I was right to take a stand lol

My other sister is more direct she'll ask if I mind keeping an eye on her kids or helping her out but if I say no thats the end of it so I don't mind which pisses off cf sis but my other sister also treats me she'll buy me a shopping voucher or take me to dinner as a thanks whereas cf sis just used to expect it and I was lucky to get a thanks off her. She doesn't do it as much now but will occasionally push the boundary but I don't budge an inch. I've learned the hard way with cheeky fuckers give an inch they take 10 miles so I always call them out my cf motto is they don't care about anyone else's feeling so why I should care about cf feelings. Its freeing when you don't care lol

Sceptre86 · 21/03/2022 23:27

Yanbu but need to be clear with your oh that the reason you go is to spend time getting to know his parents but you aren't getting to do so because you are expected to babysit. I'd then tell him that you aren't planning on joining him everytime he goes over as you just aren't enjoying it. See what he comes back with. If he ignores your thoughts and feelings or is surprised then he isn't a keeper op and you should wise up to that now. If on the other hand he apologises and totally understands where you are coming from then maybe he is worth taking a punt on.

I experienced similar with my mil when we lived under the same roof, she would have family friends over and whilst chatting to the mum I would get lumbered with the kids. They were nice kids but couldn't entertain themselves and needed lots of attention. Similarly to you I put up with it out of politeness until one day when I said that if I wanted to spend my day off taking care of kids I would have my own. She got the message and when she had them over made sure to take care of them herself.

You can't stop the kids going over, it's their grandparents home and they clearly want them there but you can limit the amount of time you spend if you don't enjoy it.

Sswhinesthebest · 21/03/2022 23:29

I wouldn’t make an issue if it at all. I’d just be less available to them.
I wouldn’t go sometimes. When I did go I’d play a bit then say you need a rest or send them to play with the others.

Mix it up but don’t worry about not being there for them every second. The others certainly don’t. It’s their second home so they need to just chill or share the play with all the. Adults, not just you.

Rinoachicken · 21/03/2022 23:32

Did you know you’ve written the kids names in your OP? Just a heads up in case that wasn’t deliberate.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 21/03/2022 23:34

@ThisMammaCat

Well this sucks for both OP and the boys, OP being put upon and the boys palmed off.

Absolutely be sure to send a big ole bag of sweeties or two to make up for your absence- it will sort out any possible disappointment the boys might feel, and fuel their Show, of course Grin

@ThisMammaCat that's genius I love the way you think! 🤣🤣 OP you so have to do this I think its about time your in laws got a taste of their own medicine lol
mellicauli · 22/03/2022 00:05

Take the hint and just let your partner go on his own. I think his Mum would prefer that - she probably just invites the kids over so she gets DP to herself. She certainly hasn't gone out of her way to include you in the conversation or make you feel welcome.

Conduct a little experiment by not turning up a few times and seeing if the little ones still get an invite.

RobertaFirmino · 22/03/2022 00:32

@Babochan88

No offence but this is pathetic. Stop being miserable and let the kids enjoy themselves
Shove your woman shaming up yer arse. I'm sick to the back teeth of the expectation that women should run themselves ragged and be taken advantage of left, right and centre because 'b..b..but they're chiiiiildrennn'. So fucking what? They aren't OP's kids, she didn't choose to birth them. Why the fuck should she be left with all the grunt work?
ThisMammaCat · 22/03/2022 01:10

@WickedWitchOfTheEast87 I can't take credit for the idea, a PP mentioned it further upthread...but it's absolutely what I'd do Grin plus sending sweeties might counter anyone trying to tell the boys OP doesn't like them out of spite.

TigerLilyTail · 22/03/2022 01:19

Good luck with the chat! I hope you have a nice time with your dad.

I remember when my kids were that age and it was utterly exhausting, but there is no way I'd dump them on others.

You sound really lovely, but you have to stand up for yourself and not let people treat you so poorly.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 22/03/2022 01:26

@ThisMammaCat Its still genius the op comes out of it as the caring and spoiling auntie whilst also giving the cheeky in laws a taste of their own medicine lol

ForeverSingle881 · 22/03/2022 01:30

OP, be very careful about building a future with this man. He will not change and neither will his family. Imagine having children with him - he's already made it clear babysitting is your job and he doesn't give a second thought to how you feel. Do you really want a relationship where you constantly have to stand up for yourself because your DP is so conveniently oblivious? You're already a martyr and frankly a bit annoying to read how little you stand up for yourself. It'll just get worse. Work on your boundaries. Re-evaluate your relationship. VALUE YOURSELF!!! Tell that feckless DP of yours how boring and tiring those weekends are and see if he gives a shit. If he changes his approach to make it pleasant for you too, great. If he doesn't, then you know where you are in the pecking order. He really lucked out meeting you, please realize this!

dipdye · 22/03/2022 01:57

Next time just don't go. Feck that for a game of soldiers

BlueSummerBaby · 22/03/2022 02:43

Stop going to visit on the weekends, DP can go by himself. There's no point if nobody is interested in getting to know you. Take up a new weekend hobby and be less available. Gradually tail off your visits until you rarely go.

Who is paying for the meal out? If it's you, say the nephews can't go, that's massive CF territory. If it's DP and he's agreed nephews can come, go and suck it up but don't get involved in babysitting them, keep referring them back to someone else. Say leave me alone please I'm eating.

Then avoid going to family events as much as possible, because what's the point if nobody knows you because you never get to chat and it's all about babysitting. If this is a new relationship you need to nip this in the bud before it becomes your permanent role in the family.

I reckon grandparents ask the nephews to demonstrate stuff to you as a way of giving themselves a break from entertaining them. If you don't want to be taken for a mug you're going to have to start gently but firmly refusing to play with the nephews or watch them etc. Take out your phone and start scrolling, say no repeatedly, the nephews like playing with you because you go along with it and are nice to them. Someone could even be encouraging them deliberately to choose you to play with, hyping you up before you arrive. It suits the rest of the adults for you to entertain them. Don't shy away from saying to grandpa "your turn now" and going to wander round the garden/up the road/out for a ciggie/long toilet break/fetch something sloooowly from the car etc.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/03/2022 02:44

Glad to see you've decided not to go.

Of course you, as the new female in the family, are being treated as the nursemaid.

Your DP sounds like he comes from a fairly chauvinistic family - I'd be having strong words with him about this, and about his expectations of how he would parent his own children BEFORE getting pregnant to him.

I'd also be having strong words with him about his swanning off and leaving you as the unpaid nursemaid with HIS nephews.

Well, their Mothers' Day lunch/meal should be fun without you to take the edge off the boys, won't it! Haaha.

But seriously - you need to have that chat, and state that you are not prepared to continue the way things have been, as it's completely unfair.

Once you've had that chat, I would try phoning MIL yourself and suggesting that the 2 of you go out together for a "ladies' afternoon" or something - something you both like - and leave the boys with your DP and FIL.

I honestly am disgusted with the boys' parents for their attitude - how very fucking rude! And it does also show that their attitude to you is "unpaid nursemaid" - they've absolutely no interest in getting to know YOU as a person, only what you can do for them.

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