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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The Nephew Show!

436 replies

ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 14:26

Would this annoy you? AIBU?

Every time (weekends) we visit DP’s parents DP’s brother’s boys are always there. Always. DP’s brother and wife never are just the boys. Even if they aren’t around, as soon as DP’s brother gets wind we are coming around he drops them over and they stay all day!

Don’t get me wrong they are lovely boys but they are tiring and constantly need entertaining. They can’t play on their own.

It used to be that when DP and I visited his parents it’d be the ‘Noah’ and ‘Ollie’ show, and we’d spent the whole time watching them perform dances, magic, singing… and SP’s parents would be all ‘ooh show DP & Clem xyz…aren’t they clever?!’ So we’d leave without having had any conversation with DP’s parents and I’d feel like I’m just there to clap and coo.

Recently they seem to have latched on to me, so when we are there they’re clambering over me, want to play with me and only me etc so I basically end up babysitting while DP’s Dad just slumps on sofa watching his sports and DP and his Mum have a lovely tea and natter. I feel like a mug (and yes I know I probably am).

So what’s brought this up again is that DP’s brother, wife and the boys were spending Mothers Day together as a family so we offered to take DP’s Mum (and Dad) out for a meal. Lovely adult time, can actually chat and get to know them. Then DP says ‘oh the boys might be coming!’ ?!?! I said why aren’t they spending time with their Mum? apparently they will be in the morning but wanted to come for the meal. Fab.

I was so annoyed I actually said to DP, God forbid they spend time with their parents! ShockConfused Probably was a bit off I said that, but I just want to spend some time with DP and his parents without DP’s nephews dominating! It changes the dynamic! Because of this I don’t really know his parents and they don’t know me!

AIBU? I feel like us visiting is seen as a chance to babysit their children. They never want to see us by the way, I can’t remember the last time they said more than a brief ‘hi’ to us as they’re thrusting their kids through the front door.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I’m very happy to hear that I am and just suck it up.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 21/03/2022 21:13

I think you are too tolerant OP. They are taking advantage of you - all of them.

Your BIL and SIL are getting days off every time you are forced to babysit their kids.

I'd knock the meal in the head and expect your husband to do so. Let the BIL take his kids to see his parents and to the meal.
I'd cut the visits out altogether until they notice and ask you why - you aren't getting quality time with your IL's so why bother.

You seem to be visiting them a lot! Spend more time with your DH and enjoy your time together.

Gilmorehill · 21/03/2022 21:17

I completely sympathise Op. My dp is from a different county which (before covid) we’d visit 1-2 times a year. Once BIL had dcs, we didn’t spent a single minute of our visit without the dns being present

bluesberry · 21/03/2022 21:18

I have made comments to DP. but I think I need to just say outright that ‘you need to play more with your nephews’ but I realise the issue is DP’s brother.

No, you have a DP issue.
It doesn't matter who is causing the issue or what it actually is....when you're in any kind of unfair situation with your dp's family it's up to them to sort it out.

He could play with his nephews more. He could say something to his brother. He could say something to his parents. He could be blunt or else he could just make a point of saying how it's not fair if you're left out of chats etc. he could stick the kettle on and make a cuppa for you and his mother and leave you to chat and tell the boys to give you some adult quiet time or take them out to play football or so on.

Has he even noticed that it's unfair on you??

Gilmorehill · 21/03/2022 21:19

Posted too soon! Everything is about the dns. I feel sorry for my dcs.

TheRealistBub · 21/03/2022 21:20

I’ve decided I’m not going to go, I think I’m going to spend the day with my Dad instead

Good for you

However you still need to make the family aware why you are not going otherwise nothing will change.

TheRealistBub · 21/03/2022 21:22

The overriding issue is not your DP.

Granted he is being lazy but the kids should not be dropped off everytime you are in town.

Namechangeforthis88 · 21/03/2022 21:28

They get bragging rights to all their friends about how much they love having the grandkids around and help out, without the arse-ache of actually entertaining the blighters.

mediciempire · 21/03/2022 21:28

i always get kids dumped on me atm bc they seem to think it's my role but as it is maybe twice a year i have just sucked it up and got on with it. i still find it really annoying though bc why can't you take your kids with you? i'm not a babysitter!

Sally872 · 21/03/2022 21:29

Yanbu. But these are children who are at their grandparents very regularly and are old enough to play themselves. Stop playing with them as much.

"I've had enough of playing just now thank you."
"I'm talking with gran, I might play later"

I would take a turn but no way would I become the entertainer.

Mil definitely unreasonable to invite them to lunch and I wouldn't go either.

LizzieSiddal · 21/03/2022 21:29

Yes the BIL, FIL and Mil are all unreasonable but your partner shouldn’t be just letting you entertain his nephews, whilst he’s sat there having tea with his mum!
I’d be really upset if my DH allowed me to be treated like this.

Sweetpea1532 · 21/03/2022 21:38

@ClemFandangoo

I know it's intimidating to talk to PIL or your DH...but when you have taken that step it is going to be so empowering! It's so important to your mental health to find 'your voice' ! Please don't be like me...it took me 60 years to finally find my voice...and you know what? I'm loving it! It's the NEW me! The great thing about it is you can be very straightforward with 'your voice'
You don't have to be rude about it at all. As that old saying goes ''you teach people how to treat you" Flowers
Fingers crossed for you, OPSmile

Hertsgirl10 · 21/03/2022 21:42

I don’t know if anyones said this but you said about what it would be like when you have children. . It will be worse!!

Because you will have THEIR cousins and it will all be about them like it is now, it’s the the whole family don’t understand boundaries.

If you don’t speak up you’re gonna end up driving 3 hours to take the nephews home to spend your kids at your house while everyone else gets a break they don’t deserve.

Heartofglass12345 · 21/03/2022 21:51

Oh my god I would stop going every time. It's not weird, just because you're a coupe you aren't extensions of each other. You have your own lives and they aren't your nephews! I don't see my husbands nephews as my own, they are around the same age as my kids and really annoy me as I don't like other peoples' children that much lol. If I didn't have my own kids I wouldn't visit half as much as I do when the nephews are there lol

Sweetpea1532 · 21/03/2022 21:51

@ClemFandangoo
Before finding my voice, I'd continue doing things that I really didn't want to do and be very frustrated by it...thinking to myself, " why are people taking advantage of me?" Until I'd get upset and lash out about it and finally speak my mind....poor other people would be so confused..." We thought Sweetpea loved doing this...why didn't she say something a long time ago ?" So it was my fault completely, not their's.
In the 70's there was a popular saying, "No one can MAKE you do something you don't want to do!" I didn't listen then, but I sure
am now..only took me 50 plus years Grin
You've got this, OP.Flowers
You sound lovely, btw...no wonder the children want to ALWAYS spend time with you. Enough is enough. Hmm

fairydust11 · 21/03/2022 21:52

@bluesberry

I have made comments to DP. but I think I need to just say outright that ‘you need to play more with your nephews’ but I realise the issue is DP’s brother.

No, you have a DP issue.
It doesn't matter who is causing the issue or what it actually is....when you're in any kind of unfair situation with your dp's family it's up to them to sort it out.

He could play with his nephews more. He could say something to his brother. He could say something to his parents. He could be blunt or else he could just make a point of saying how it's not fair if you're left out of chats etc. he could stick the kettle on and make a cuppa for you and his mother and leave you to chat and tell the boys to give you some adult quiet time or take them out to play football or so on.

Has he even noticed that it's unfair on you??

I agree with this completely about it being your dp - you say you have been with your partner since 2019 - from what you’ve described it seems like there is an imbalance in the relationship, although I could be wrong. I’m not sure if it’s previously been suggested but maybe visit once every 3 months or so & let your partner visit his parents alone monthly, maybe they want to spend time just with him & that’s why you’re left with the kids? Does your partner want you to go with him every single visit? It’s up to dp to sort out it’s his family - maybe take a step back a little as from what you’ve described it sounds like there are odd dynamics at play. Yanbu though. Good luck.
Heartofglass12345 · 21/03/2022 21:54

Sorry I didn't read your update Blush I'm glad you're spending it with your dad too Smile

StanleyGreen · 21/03/2022 21:59

@Whatsonmymindgrapes

You come across pretty jealous
You come across as utterly ridiculous. I can only assume you have a problem with comprehension. Because there is no hint of jealousy in any of OP's posts. Hmm
unname · 21/03/2022 22:00

@Whatsonmymindgrapes

You come across pretty jealous
Can you expand? I can’t imagine too many women want to be left watching their partner’s nephews for hours once a month.
lottiegarbanzo · 21/03/2022 22:03

I bet that if challenged, or when they notice you've chosen not to come, they'll express surprise and say they thought you'd be grateful for the chance to practice.

trulyconfuseddotcom · 21/03/2022 22:06

Please do keep us posted as to what happens on the visit when you don't go - I suspect your DP will find it quite different having to be much more interactive with the nephews and might begin to understand your POV a bit more. Especially if you're 'busy' for the next few visits!

lottiegarbanzo · 21/03/2022 22:09

Also, your 'D'P is using you as babysitter so he can chat to his mum. He doesn't care that you're not getting a chance to get to know his parents, either.

They probably all view you as broody.

None of them, your DP included, view you as interesting enough to want a conversation with, or to 'show off' to his parents.

Hollywolly1 · 21/03/2022 22:12

@ClemFandangoo
It took you 60 years to find your voice well congratulations to you and I assume some pent up anger after all that time and I bet the people you wanted to use it on most are all dead by now.

Hollywolly1 · 21/03/2022 22:16

Op,do you think that there is a chance your boyfriend's sil doesn't want you and is trying get rid of you by passing you off so just in case I'd say buy the kids some birds

Hollywolly1 · 21/03/2022 22:16

Not passingBlushpissing

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 21/03/2022 22:17

@ClemFandangoo I've been in your situation, every time one of my sisters would visit they'd be off in the kitchen talking to my mum and I got lumbered with entertaining the kids it used to really piss me off! I tried going to the kitchen and joining in only to be manipulated into sorting the kids they'd say things to me like "oh we're not talking about anything important go see to the kids" or "you're their auntie they wanna see you and aunties step in".

The last straw was at a family wedding my sister dumped the kids on me so she could drink and enjoy herself whilst I ran around like a blue arsed fly, she then had the utter cheek to tell me to pace myself when I was drinking because "who's gonna see to the kids" 😲 I stayed calm but responded by walking over leaving the kids with her and said "they're your kids you chose to have them they're YOUR responsibility NOT MINE I'm off to enjoy myself" and I walked away leaving my sister shocked and pissed off. The next day she tried to have it out and said I was out of line I lost it and told her straight "I'm not your fucking babysitter and you've taken the piss too many times now if you wanna enjoy yourself at my expense then I'm gonna start charging you for my time!" She never did it to me again after that and now asks occasionally if I mind watching them. I let this go on for about 2 years OP and it got to the point where it was just expected that I would be the babysitter so my sister could do whatever she liked and if I had plans I was guilt tripped.

Don't fall for it OP be firm don't go with DP let him go alone and see how he likes it being done to him. Don't let anyone guilt you because the boys love you, these cheeky fuckers don't care about making you feel awkward and are happy to take advantage of you so why should you care about their feelings? Cheeky fuckers like your in laws rely on people being too polite to call them out on their cheeky fucker behaviour next time fil says anything about being on your phone reply "well I've been keeping your grandchildren entertained so you can watch your sport! I need a break, so its grandad's turn!" Then leave them with him. That will hit the message home you don't have to be rude OP just firm cheeky fuckers don't like a taste of their own medicine but once they see you won't tolerate it they'll stop like my sister did