The Nephew Show!

[ClemFandangoo]

Would this annoy you? AIBU?

Every time (weekends) we visit DP’s parents DP’s brother’s boys are always there. Always. DP’s brother and wife never are just the boys. Even if they aren’t around, as soon as DP’s brother gets wind we are coming around he drops them over and they stay all day!

Don’t get me wrong they are lovely boys but they are tiring and constantly need entertaining. They can’t play on their own.

It used to be that when DP and I visited his parents it’d be the ‘Noah’ and ‘Ollie’ show, and we’d spent the whole time watching them perform dances, magic, singing… and SP’s parents would be all ‘ooh show DP & Clem xyz…aren’t they clever?!’ So we’d leave without having had any conversation with DP’s parents and I’d feel like I’m just there to clap and coo.

Recently they seem to have latched on to me, so when we are there they’re clambering over me, want to play with me and only me etc so I basically end up babysitting while DP’s Dad just slumps on sofa watching his sports and DP and his Mum have a lovely tea and natter. I feel like a mug (and yes I know I probably am).

So what’s brought this up again is that DP’s brother, wife and the boys were spending Mothers Day together as a family so we offered to take DP’s Mum (and Dad) out for a meal. Lovely adult time, can actually chat and get to know them. Then DP says ‘oh the boys might be coming!’ ?!?! I said why aren’t they spending time with their Mum? apparently they will be in the morning but wanted to come for the meal. Fab.

I was so annoyed I actually said to DP, God forbid they spend time with their parents! Probably was a bit off I said that, but I just want to spend some time with DP and his parents without DP’s nephews dominating! It changes the dynamic! Because of this I don’t really know his parents and they don’t know me!

AIBU? I feel like us visiting is seen as a chance to babysit their children. They never want to see us by the way, I can’t remember the last time they said more than a brief ‘hi’ to us as they’re thrusting their kids through the front door.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I’m very happy to hear that I am and just suck it up.

I had a similar thing with my Mum. She lives very close to my sister and her children. I live a few hours away.

EVERY single time I visited (always pre-arranged) my Mum would double book and would be babysitting for a few hours, the evening or sometimes the whole weekend.

It was awful and caused loads of upset when I told her that I wasn’t getting the chance to do anything with her or go anywhere with her during my visits because she was always ‘babysitting’ at my sister’s house.

Next time stay at home leaving dh and parents to play with the kids. Be honest, say you’re too exhausted and needed some child free time

If you've not said anything and the kids are going excited to see you, and you let them climb all over you whilst you entertain them, they probably all think you enjoy seeing them too. You need to be assertive and say what you want.

YANBU but this is the family dynamic that seems to work for you DP parents. You say you only visit once a month but the kids are there more than that, if the PILs are happy with the arrangement and your DP isn't bothered, then you're not going to change their minds. All you can do as suggested is not visit but that way you won't have a relationship with the PILs. I don't think your jealous but you seem insecure about your relationship to your DP PILs and want to know them better but they seem perfectly happy with the status quo.

The boys won't be this age forever so the playing will calm down but I do think you need to seriously consider if this is a situation you can live with as the family dynamic won't change because the PILs don't want it to.

TL/DR it's you and not them who have the issue and if your DP doesn't feel the same way/isn't as bother to such an extent you need to decide if this is a situation you can live with or leave

@Babochan88

No offence but this is pathetic. Stop being miserable and let the kids enjoy themselves

The kids enjoying themselves relies on the op being their continual entertainer. Why should the children be babysat by the op for the entire visit while the rest of the adults chat nicely among themselves?

How is she pathetic and miserable?

Hope it went well. It's so obvious your future in laws aren't fussed about spending time with you. Are you one of many girlfriends who have come and gone, so you're just the next one in their mind perhaps? Or like you have suggested, they see you as the entertainment so they can keep their son happy whilst seeing your partner too.

Hope the chat with your DP went well @ClemFandangoo.

My PIL used to be like this. They always come as a tribe.

We would invite them over for lunch and the grandchildren would be with them and we hadn't catered for them. We have also been surprised by their appearance when we had made reservations for 4.

A couple of times after that we had to say explicitly not to bring them as we want adult conversation

The kids are older now and don't want to tag along so much

It's not forever but if your in-laws grate on you this early in the relationship, let me tell you: it will only get worse. Sit a few visits out so you are not always expected to be present

Also it’s so fucking sexist - can anyone imagine the situation the other way round?! Where a new boyfriend is repeatedly left to look after his girlfriends sister kids while his girlfriend and father in law kick back and mother in law makes snarky comments if he steps back for a minute ?! No me neither 🙄

Actually the part I find sad and rooted in sexism is that OP has gone along with this, being left to mind the children.

While she accepts this treatment, people will impose upon her good nature. Yes, even her 'D'P. It suits them and so at best they tell themselves she must enjoy it or she wouldn't put up with it.

Just don't let yourself get stuck like this.

I'm so glad OP has decided to cut back on her visiting.

Don't go on Mother's Day!

If you want tell your husband it will be nice for him to spend time in his own with his mum.

He will then realise what hard work it is to look after his brother's kids all the time, and that it's not your job!

I would stop going personally

Your husband should actually tell his parents that he'd like to spend some adult time with them without the kids!

@Whatsonmymindgrapes

You come across pretty jealous

you come across as the SIL

Glad you've decided to give the next time a miss, OP. I hope your DP was supportive of your choice and that this will be the wake-up call he needs to see that you're (rightfully) tired of being the put-upon de facto babysitter.

Tbh, I'd stop going nearly so often, if things don't change. Tell your DP why. If he wants you there, he can stand up for you in any number of ways, such as by never leaving you to entertain his nephews on your own or even by (gasp!) telling his parents honestly that he wants to spend some time with them without the boys. If he won't commit to making the visits more pleasant for you, why should you bother? You aren't bonding with his parents, which is the point of visiting. (After DP's father's stupid remark about being antisocial, I'm not sure I'd care to get to know him any better, to tell the truth!) I'd start reclaiming those days for myself. Why waste them as an unpaid babysitter?

I suspect that the OP started off being too nice. It’s a relatively new relationship.

There isn’t any law that you have to go and visit with your boyfriend’s parents when he goes. Perhaps once you’re married you could go every now and then but you aren’t their daughter in law.

Hi all, was meaning to update earlier but work has been full on today!

I spoke to DP last night and told him I find it exhausting to be minding the children all the time and also would like time with his parents (at least try to get to know them and if that is reciprocated, well we’ll see). DP admitted he thought it was ridiculous the kids were around all the time, in fact he said he was almost embarrassed about it. He also said he wrongly assumed that I enjoyed spending time with them. I said I do, but not to that extent and not all the time! I come away feeling absolutely mentally and physically drained, most of the time with a headache too.

I have a neice who is 5 and she is nowhere as needy and full on as these boys. She’ll sit colouring in or reading/crafting and then come to you for cuddles or to ply with her but never do I feel exhausted. I also said to DP I would never just leave him with her and go off socialising with my sister and BIL in another room.

I also said that it’s unfair we always drive 3 hours to see them when they don’t make any effort to come and visit us. There is no reason why they can’t. I said I find it sad that his parents have never seen where we live. I have said things need to be more equal. DP said that when his brother and SIL used to live away they visited them a few times so it’s made me think that it’s because they are married with kids, they see them more as family (which may be fair enough but it’s made me re evaluate a few things)

I am spending Sunday with my Dad and sister now. DP is still going with his parents.

I know I’ve been conditioned to be polite and accommodating ( I think maybe a lot of girls/women are) and I need to go a long way to change this but have been thinking about how much of a people pleaser I am and it’s something I do need to change about myself.

Thank you for all your comments, although I haven’t replied to every one I have read them all. Some have been a bit ‘tough live’ but I needed it and the reason I asked an anonymous forum, not my sister or friends who may sugar coat things for me.

Oh also someone queried about the boys names, the names in the OP are made up.

The fact you have to drive three hours there and back to babysit is added insult to injury. They should be giving you a restful time as appreciation that you’re doing the journey.

Good for you OP.

I think a good hard look at how amenable you are, how his family are, AND your partner are would be a good thing.

You sound like a lovely young woman who is probably too good for your partner.

Life is generally much harder than necessary for those who allow people to walk all over them.

You can fake it till you make it you know.

By this I mean deliberately choosing to be less accommodating.

Lots of people do this.

They realise that if they do too much they might be seen as a soft touch so they choose not to.

You can do this to.

I’ve realised I do so much for others but it’s often never reciprocated. I have been doing a lot of soul searching recently.

Well done o0!!

Op.

And this will stand you in extremely good stead as the relationship goes on.
Very few.peple could cope with that!

But no one knows what you feel unless you tell them.

I also said to DP I would never just leave him with her and go off socialising with my sister and BIL in another room

What did he say to that?

What reason is he going to give to his parents about why you aren’t going on Sunday?

Well done for speaking up.

He really needs to talk to his parents and explain this behaviour of his brother by dumping the kids there whenever you appear isn't fair to either of you.

have I missed something. Dp's brother and wife spending mother's day as family but not with their boys??? eh ?????

What a great update, it sounds like you had a really good chat with DP and he now understands exactly how you feel.