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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

602 replies

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:35

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:35

Sorry passed away 4 years ago

OP posts:
Skinnymimi · 21/03/2022 10:37

Hi OP. I am so sorry but I think in this case, I would go with my husband.

roarfeckingroarr · 21/03/2022 10:38

He is the rude and outrageous one, not you.

Chamomileteaplease · 21/03/2022 10:38

Does this seem out of character for him? It just sounds incredibly mean of him to want to cancel a holiday for his wife and children for this - almost likes he wants to hurt you Sad.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/03/2022 10:39

How unfair on your dc. Personally I would take the dc away and leave him to hs family. He is telling you they are more important than you /dc..

Duracellbunnywannabe · 21/03/2022 10:39

Had you already booked a holiday or just time off?

steff13 · 21/03/2022 10:39

Is there a compromise to be had here? A week with his family, a week at a holiday destination? Did you already have another place in mind/reserved?

Original poster
Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:39

There's nothing planned. He just wants to visit his mother and the grave on the day.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 10:40

He’s being incredibly selfish and absolutely ridiculous. He knew the date, booked his leave anyway, pushed for a holiday and now wants to bail. He’s the outrageous one and I’d be standing my ground.

Stropping off and leaving you and the kids to go out without him is pathetic. Is this new behaviour?

Do not be bullied.

sunshinesupermum · 21/03/2022 10:40

Wow! I think your husband is being most unreasonable after pushing for a family holiday which will benefit you and his children then deciding the commemoration of his father's birthday is more important. Surely his father would want you all to have a holiday you all deserve after the past two years?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 10:41

I doubt FIL would have wanted him to let you and the kids down so badly. No one would. He’s grieving all the time, he can visit the grave another day.

Brefugee · 21/03/2022 10:41

can you go on your own? can he go with you and leave for the weekend when he wants to be with his family?

I get that he is still not really over his father's death, it gets us all differently, but this milestone birthday hasn't come out of nowhere.

In your shoes? I would arrange everything as if he were coming but accept that he might not, or that he might piss off in the middle of it. But i wouldn't be doing me and my kids out of a holiday.

SeasonFinale · 21/03/2022 10:42

Is the holiday in the UK. If so he can travel back by himself visit the grave and then return.

girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 10:43

It's really strange that he booked the holiday then changed his mind. Is MIL lonely? Could she come with you?

northerncrumpet · 21/03/2022 10:43

Would it not be possible to celebrate late FIL's birthday on the actual day in a small but meaningful way whilst you are away on holiday, maybe connecting with the family via FaceTime, and then have the family get-together once you're back?

I would imagine he got cross because he realised he'd f*cked up with the dates, so he's blaming you for being unreasonable instead...

SheWoreYellow · 21/03/2022 10:43

He’s messed up by not noticing. But can you just go away for a week of he really won’t budge?

Or can you suggest that while you’re away he can go off on that day and do a thing that makes him feel close to his dad? Plant some wild seeds if he was into the outdoors, um I don’t know.

EmpressCixi · 21/03/2022 10:44

Presumably you could have booked two weeks of holiday that did not fall on his late fathers birthday?

It just sounds like lack of communication. You were unaware it was important to him and book the holiday during his late fathers birthday. Grief is a funny thing, I’m not sure at 4yrs I’d be ready to go on a bog family holiday instead of commemorating my late fathers birthday.

Is there any chance of a compromise? Can you move or rebook the holiday?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/03/2022 10:44

Can you book a week away, or even 2 weeks (not abroad) and he takes a day out to visit his mum and the grave.

TinaYouFatLard · 21/03/2022 10:45

Your DH IBU.

I would no way sacrifice a holiday with my children to stand at a grave. Raise a glass to DDad while enjoying time with those who are still here.

Original poster
Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:46

He honestly is the loveliest man, we are always his priority, great dad in every way, engaged with the kids, fully responsible. Its just whenever it comes to his family he seems to have lost all sense of perspective. We hadn't booked yet, going to get round to it in the next few weeks. I hate to sound spoilt, as if "I must have a holiday" it's just the fact that the kids are so young, we won't ever get this time again and honestly it's him that's pushed it....no house move, no pets because we need a holiday etc. It seems like such a terrible thing to say, but surely the family we have take precedence?

OP posts:
Longdistance · 21/03/2022 10:46

Your dh was disorganised and only realised it would have been his df birthday when mil mentioned it. He’s ballsed up and won’t admit it.
Don’t cancel the holiday, go with the kids and he can spend a few hours at the cemetery with his dm. That’s from me who lost her df and missed his 80th heavenly birthday as I was in Portugal. I went when I came back.

Clymene · 21/03/2022 10:46

But surely he knew it was his dad's birthday in the middle of the planned holiday? Or did you book it by stealth? Confused

Shoxfordian · 21/03/2022 10:47

It sounds like a lot of miscommunication

He’s not unreasonable to want to see his family but he is unreasonable to say let’s book a holiday then change his mind; presumably he knew the date when he said it

Clymene · 21/03/2022 10:47

Oh I see! He had forgotten his dad's birthday. And now he's making a massive fuss because he feels guilty.

What a pillock

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/03/2022 10:48

Ridiculous putting the dead before his family- he doesn’t need to be by the grave to remember and celebrate his dad- yanbu!

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