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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

602 replies

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:35

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

OP posts:

AndAsIfByMagic · 21/03/2022 11:05

Book the holiday and let him travel back for the day.

Original poster

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 11:05

The birthday is literally in the middle of the two weeks, and we don't live near them so even if we did manage say, Saturday to Saturday (leaving me to pack etc whilst working full time) we wouldn't make it in time for the day as his mother lives over 200 miles from our house. He didn't ask for a compromise though, he wants to cancel. Yes we could do day trips etc, but thats not what we wanted so desperately.

OP posts:

Tilltheend99 · 21/03/2022 11:05

My DMs grave is in a different part of the country for various reasons. When we want to visit we sometimes make a holiday of it as it just makes it easier.

Have you considered the compromise of booking the holiday in a nice village or seaside town close to DFs grave?

I know some MNers don’t consider U.K. hols as real holidays but if your kids are young there really is plenty to do and they won’t know the difference.

Another compromise would be a short three days at somewhere like Eurodisney via the channel tunnel and the rest of the holiday spent somewhere near the grave.

It would be fair to address your DH behaviour ie storming off but ultimately I think you should be supportive for this anniversary as, sadly, you will loose a parent too one day and be looking to DH for similar level of support. At least you know there should be no more big emotional anniversaries for six years.

BillyBarryBoo · 21/03/2022 11:06

I agree with the PP who say YANBU. He's being ridiculous. He wants to all to sit around at home now for the precious two weeks of your annual leave so he can pop over to his father's grave one day for 10 mins?!
Or you should go away for a week and sit at home for a week? Nonsense.

Original poster

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 11:08

He passed in his early 60s. We don't live near them, they speak every few weeks. He has a massive guilt that we aren't closer for the kids.

OP posts:

MoniJitchell · 21/03/2022 11:10

Eurodisney for a few days is a great idea!

girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 11:10

@Celtic1hair

He passed in his early 60s. We don't live near them, they speak every few weeks. He has a massive guilt that we aren't closer for the kids.

So what's the birthday? 65? Is that a milestone?

lady725516 · 21/03/2022 11:11

Take your children away for a break. Leave your husband to it, he will realise he is being unfair and selfish when he is missing out

Tilltheend99 · 21/03/2022 11:11

@MoniJitchell

Eurodisney for a few days is a great idea!

Thanks 😊

girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 11:12

Did you want an abroad holiday? If you wanted a UK holiday is there somewhere not too far from his family that's a holiday-type location?

There aren't many places in the UK more than 90 minutes from some kind of holiday-type place.

BacardiOnATuesday · 21/03/2022 11:12

Like previous poster said, can you make a holiday of the visit…ie. rent a cottage / whatever in the area near his family and explore?

Plenty of beautiful places to stay and explore in the UK!

nervousnelly8 · 21/03/2022 11:13

It's been 10+ years since we lost my brother, and my whole family is still blue around the time of his birthday and the anniversary of his death. I can absolutely see not wanting to go on holiday at that time and wishing to mark it with his mum. Was your DH's father's death particularly traumatic (i.e. was he old and passed away after an illness, or did he die younger than expected or suddenly)? I do think it makes a difference in terms of processing grief and makes a difference in terms of how much slack you need to cut him.

In any case, his reaction was unacceptable. I personally wouldn't be going away without him (not much of a holiday for you!) but I would try to find some compromise that allows you a trip away and also allows him to be around his mum on the day.

LadyDanburysHat · 21/03/2022 11:13

Surely this should be a reminder to your husband that life is for living and making these memories with your DC should be the most important thing.

Has he had pressure from MIL or others to make him decide this?

Original poster

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 11:13

Sorry just to be clear, there is literally no way of swapping leave. I honestly try and be supportive, have suggested a memorial here where we live, am always the one who brings him up so our children know him, and in any other circumstance I would of course do what I could so he can go. I think it's just the absolute unwillingness to compromise, or understand what he is sacrificing that hurts.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 21/03/2022 11:16

His reaction to you doesn't match what you've told us about him being lovely. There is something amiss here. You have mentioned bigger issues about communication/arguing styles and his attitude to his family. You would probably benefit from some couple's counselling to address it.

My advice is to try and get couple's counselling ASAP, and see if you can reach an agreement about what to do.

However, if he won't do counselling and won't budge on this, continuing to be angry with you and blame you without taking any responsibility himself, I would be seriously considering going on holiday without him and questioning the relationship too.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 21/03/2022 11:17

I'd have little patience with this tbh. Different thing if it was a recent loss but 4 years on? No. He can mark his dad's birthday when you're on holiday and he can arrange a meeting with his family once you're back from your holiday.

incognitoforthisone · 21/03/2022 11:17

Do his family normally do something special on his late father's birthday? Or is it just because they consider this a milestone birthday?

Obviously birthdays and anniversaries can be hard after someone has died, but it seems a little bit extreme to me to cancel a family holiday you've been desperate to take for this particular reason, and out of the blue like this. Apart from anything ... is this what your FIL would have wanted?! Is it what your MIL wants? I'm pretty sure my late FIL would have been horrified at the thought of us cancelling a family holiday to visit his grave on his birthday, and my MIL definitely wouldn't ask this of us.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/03/2022 11:18

That is absolutely absurd. He knew it would be his deceased fathers big birthday before he booked surely.
I smell a rat here. I think something else is going on and this is an excuse - a massive bill, suddenly realised he can't afford the holiday plus spending money or something similar.
I think FiLs birthday is an excuse especially as he has gone so over the top.
You need to get to the bottom of this.

Sittingonabench · 21/03/2022 11:19

I really sympathise with you both. I understand what you are saying and I can imagine the frustration you feel at not making memories in the present due to grieving the past. However when you say your family should come first and should be prioritised I think you are missing that he is part of that family and his needs do need some prioritisation as well. It sounds like he is hurt and needs the connection with his extended family which he may not have had a lot of over the past couple of years. It also sounds like he may be hurt and feel you haven’t considered his needs alongside your own (as you are hurt for the same reason). You’ve both reacted to that hurt and communication has taken the hit. I would reach out to him and try to discuss it with him but try not to be defensive or push.

Phobiaphobic · 21/03/2022 11:19

I think this is ridiculous. Absolutely no way on earth I'd be going along with it. Apart from anything else, it's morbid. Who celebrates the birthday of someone who has been dead four years?

Original poster

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 11:19

I know the UK has many gorgeous places, have happily spent many of our holidays in UK. But this year was meant to be abroad, all inclusive on the beach! Its as much him that wants it as anyone! Obviously I don't want to go into detail because I don't want to disclose too much info that could be outing, but nowhere really suitable near where his family lives.
Not sure about pressure from MIL, I honestly doubt she has mentioned it. It comes from himself.

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 21/03/2022 11:20

I hope to God no-one feels the need to put life on hold for my birthday after I’m dead.

I know that it’s hard but life has to move on, and the idea that people should put their lives on hold for any period of time to celebrate a birthday I won’t be there for just seems ludicrous to me.

OP what kind of person was your FIL? Would he really have wanted all this fuss and bad feeling over a birthday he isn’t here to celebrate? Or would he want his grandchildren to be having a lovely holiday after the last two years?

If your DH really won’t budge then I would cancel your annual leave and tell him that he’s responsible for looking after the kids for the two weeks.

TatianaBis · 21/03/2022 11:20

The clash is his fuck up so I'd take a firm line with him that it's himself he should be angry with not you.

I'd either: book a holiday a place with a pool in countryside near his family so he can go, or fuck off on a foreign holiday without him. Depending how militant or matyrish you feel.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 21/03/2022 11:22

@Phobiaphobic

I think this is ridiculous. Absolutely no way on earth I'd be going along with it. Apart from anything else, it's morbid. Who celebrates the birthday of someone who has been dead four years?

Personally I think it's nice to remember a deceased loved on on their birthday rather than the anniversary of their death, but I wouldn't be insisting on cancelling a family holiday to do so.

thewreckofthehesperus · 21/03/2022 11:22

You've not booked yet so would you try factor in him flying back for the anniversary, say the day before and then re-joining you after?
If you go somewhere like Spain it might be do-able without costing an arm and a leg!

If that's not possible within budget I'd book for the second week and he can see you off at the airport and then join you the day after the anniversary.

I know you say he wasn't interested in compromise but I think you need to give him a little leeway here as losing a parent is such an emotive thing. Go to him and tell him that you understand how important this is to him and you are not trying to make light of it but that a family holiday is also important and you want to work on it with him to see if you can find a way that both are factored into your summer plans.

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