Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

602 replies

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:35

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

OP posts:
DebtheSander · 21/03/2022 10:50

I do understand where he is coming from. My Dad died a few years ago and I find his birthday incredibly difficult. And I can certainly understand that he would like to see his mum. That said, life is for the living.

I think you should talk to him about why he booked the holiday in the first place. Remind him that he thought that family time was really important for you all. Then suggest doing something with the children to remember his Dad on the day while you are on holiday. It is possible to have the family holiday and commemorate his dad - visiting the actual grave isn’t essential to this.

I suspect that this is about him feeling bad about not seeing his mum on the day. He feels guilty for booking the holiday.

Soubriquet · 21/03/2022 10:50

I agree that he is being unreasonable but could you possibly compromise and change it to a week?

Then you can still have a nice little holiday, and he can spend time with his mum at his dads grave.

SamphiretheStickerist · 21/03/2022 10:50

The decision to spend time with his mum is not unreasonable.

But his reaction to you really is.

After all, he is the one pushing for the family holiday, the timing etc. He is the one who has double booked himself, not you.

There are lots of cmpromises to be made, but he needs to calm down, apologise and get onwith making sensible plans for this. Sulking, storming off isn't a valid option when you have small kids, or a wife! He need to get his head tstraight, and quickly!

Fingers crossed his mother will talk some sense into him, if he really can't do that for himself!

RealRaymondReddington · 21/03/2022 10:50

He needs to grow up, there is no need to celebrate the birthday of someone who is no longer around. If he needs to mark the day you can always raise a glass to him on your holiday. I bet his dad would want you all to enjoy the now.

Phos · 21/03/2022 10:51

You're so not being unreasonable. It's been 4 years, and if he's been saying nothing is more important than a holiday and making memories for the kids then that includes going and standing by a grave for a few minutes.

thewhatsit · 21/03/2022 10:53

Yes all very weird. Nothing wrong with him wanting to go and visit his Mum in the day but why on earth did he book his annual leave for that time and propose a holiday?
Have you asked him if he’s cancelling his leave then and taking it at a later time in the summer and you will try and take the same time? Did he just forget the anniversary of his Father’s death perhaps?

Original poster
Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:53

Thanks all, I 100% am sure I'm not brilliant in a row myself, we both communicate terribly at the time and resolve later. He did boom the dates himself, and I'm sure he's pissed off he didn't realise the clash. Neither of us could move the annual leave, summer holidays are all booked at both our workplaces and no chance now.
Honestly it's I'm just so angry at his reaction and acting as if I'm completely unreasonable. He said he knew it was a shame that this had clashed "but it is what it is" I just hoped to get some perspective as I didn't want to be completely unfair about it.

OP posts:
hellcatspangle · 21/03/2022 10:53

You're absolutely right. The living should always take precedence.

Is he under pressure from his family to be there that weekend, or is it all his own doing?

Babdoc · 21/03/2022 10:53

Could you each contact your work and rebook the leave for the following fortnight instead? If not, I think you should go on holiday with the DC and let DH make his own arrangements.
Personally I think DH should go with you and mark his late DF’s birthday while away - perhaps light a candle in a foreign chapel, as I did while in the Greek islands, to commemorate a friend who had died.

thewhatsit · 21/03/2022 10:55

By the way I don’t think this person he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was can possibly also the loveliest man.
I cannot imagine my DH abandoning us on a day out and then leaving me at my parents while he sent horrible texts in a million years.

WarmWinterSun · 21/03/2022 10:57

I would compromise. Why not have two smaller breaks so your DH can still do what he feels is necessary? Perhaps a more luxurious trip abroad then something in the UK afterwards. I think you are being a bit unreasonable to say the full two weeks away is required in a solid block because the kids are young- you’ll still have two weeks to enjoy with them.

WheekestLink · 21/03/2022 10:57

Ridiculous. I'd go away with the kids without him and have an amazing time.

Your FIL isn't here anymore, he didn't actually make it to the big birthday. If your husband does want to celebrate this, he should do it belatedly and have the holiday. But he's choosing not to and that would tell me something about his priorities.

clpsmum · 21/03/2022 10:58

Could you do both and just go away for a week?

girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 10:58

Oh if you haven't booked it yet just go on holiday for a week then do day trips in the other week.

TeeBee · 21/03/2022 10:59

Go somewhere relatively lose (France/Spain), then he can take a cheap flight/train back for a few days if he wants to.

AlisonDonut · 21/03/2022 10:59

Change the first week's leave to the one after the second week, you all visit his mum on the first day of the holiday and then all go on holiday.

You haven't even booked anything so just work round it.

SheWoreYellow · 21/03/2022 11:00

Would going away on your own be completely awful? Can you take your mum or someone to help?

I would be inclined to be sympathetic now and say it’s fine for him to not come. And that you can take them in your own. Then he can realise himself what he’s missing out on.

Traumdeuter · 21/03/2022 11:01

I absolutely feel for him & his loss, but surely he knew this before booking.

Can you have a week’s holiday or a couple of short breaks instead?

HisHX · 21/03/2022 11:02

YANBU - life is for the living, as are birthdays. I get that milestones are hard when you’re grieving, but I really don’t understand all this “heavenly birthday” business to be honest. Especially at the expense of a holiday. I mean sure, raise a glass, but that would be the extent of it.

Original poster
Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 11:02

Its all his own doing. Its as if the minute his family is a topic a brick wall comes up and he gets total tunnel vision. He act as if, because you don't agree with him, you are against him. Its totally against his whole character 99% of the time, bit I'm really resentful of being cast into the role of a complete cow with no regard for his grief because I have the audacity to disagree. I understand he will always grieve, but it can't be a subject he can't be called out on?

OP posts:
TristesseDurera · 21/03/2022 11:02

What a complete tosser. I wouldn't want to go on holiday with him regardless.

notacooldad · 21/03/2022 11:03

I think its hitting your husband hard because it would have been a significant birthday and for that I would allow him a little grace tbh.
Things like certain birthday dmay not bother some people but others may feel particularly upset around that occasion.

MoniJitchell · 21/03/2022 11:03

Just go for a week? You should be able to do both with a fortnight off?

girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 11:05

@Celtic1hair

Its all his own doing. Its as if the minute his family is a topic a brick wall comes up and he gets total tunnel vision. He act as if, because you don't agree with him, you are against him. Its totally against his whole character 99% of the time, bit I'm really resentful of being cast into the role of a complete cow with no regard for his grief because I have the audacity to disagree. I understand he will always grieve, but it can't be a subject he can't be called out on?
This doesn't match He honestly is the loveliest man, we are always his priority, great dad in every way, engaged with the kids, fully responsible.

Hes not lovely. You're not his priority. You're second in line after his birth family. You're important as long as they're happy.

After 4 years his reaction is unusual.

Do they normally celebrate his dads birthday? Did his dad pass very young?

sausagesandchamp · 21/03/2022 11:05

Can you cancel your annual leave and he does childcare & family trip in those weeks. Then you take the kids on holiday a different week in the summer when you can get leave? Or overlap your fortnights and he goes for a short time?