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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

602 replies

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:35

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

OP posts:
fuckoffImcounting · 21/03/2022 12:14

This guy does not sound lovely - storming off - fuck that. He does not respect your right to an opinion.

JuteWeaver · 21/03/2022 12:14

I'm with you, OP. He is saying that the special family time he so enthusiastically pushed for you & your kids, is less important to him than maybe a cemetery visit with his mother & siblings. Surely he knew the anniversary would fall during this planned holiday. I think he should be putting his wife and children first. He could privately mark the anniversary while you're away and visit with his mother & siblings before you go or when you all get back.
He is the one being outrageous.

Thewindwhispers · 21/03/2022 12:14

How very strange.

Wanting to visit his fathers grave etc on the birthday is fone BUT if so he should never have asked you to take your two weeks annual leave!

Can you both reschedule the leave so that you get 2 weeks off with no important date in the middle?

He is being v unreasonable and it’s strange he can’t see that

IAmSantaOhYesIAm · 21/03/2022 12:14

I absolutely know that if this was my parents or my pil that they would say go on the holiday.
If his dad isn’t here to celebrate then it’s not really a celebration is it?
His late fathers birthday cannot dictate whether you go away or not - what happens in 5 years when it’s his 75th?

LittleOwl153 · 21/03/2022 12:15

Given he presumably knew the dates when the leave was booked I would not be prepared to compromise on this. 2 weeks beach holiday abroad is what was planned and that is that.

The fact that he behaves like this would make me think this was the first of many solo holidays. If he cannot put is core family ahead of his extended family then he isn't being fair to anyone is he.

NeedleNoodle3 · 21/03/2022 12:15

I’d would still go on the holiday with your DC as planned.

RampantIvy · 21/03/2022 12:21

YANBU - life is for the living, as are birthdays. I get that milestones are hard when you’re grieving, but I really don’t understand all this “heavenly birthday” business to be honest. Especially at the expense of a holiday. I mean sure, raise a glass, but that would be the extent of it.

At the risk of sounding rather heartless I agree with this ^^
My parents died a long time ago, and I always remember the date of when they died. I will always hold memories of them, but my family aren't the sort to commemorate people who are died. We think about them and get on with our lives.

I'm inclined to think this morbid living in the past is rather unhealthy.

Options are:

  1. Go on holiday for a week Saturday to Saturday, and he can go to his mum's on Sunday
  2. Take MIL with you and your DH and she can do something to commemorate his DF
  3. Go on holiday for a fortnight, and he flies home early to spend his late father's birthday with his mum
  4. Book a holiday in the UK and he takes a break in the middle to visit his mum
50DaysAF · 21/03/2022 12:22

I’d would still go on the holiday with your DC as planned
That’s what I was coming on to say. He’s angry that he agreed this 2 week period without realising the anniversary fell in the middle. That was his error.

Why should the family miss the chance for a holiday abroad for another year? Surely if the lockdowns have taught us anything it’s to live for now? Who knows what next year will bring.

Knittedfairies · 21/03/2022 12:22

If nothing is planned yet, would you consider asking your MIL to go on holiday with you? Then you could raise a glass in FIL's memory while sitting on a beach.

ChinstrapBobblehat · 21/03/2022 12:22

Another vote here for involving your MIL, if you have a good enough relationship with her.

I wouldn’t necessarily be inviting her on the family holiday (although that’s a good option if you’re close enough), but I’d definitely explain the situation and ask for her support. Surely she wouldn’t want her grandchildren to miss out on their holiday? Or you for that matter. She might have more luck in persuading your husband to be more flexible about marking his father’s birthday.

I know anniversaries are important, especially you’re still grieving, which can take years, but he’s being extraordinarily intransigent. Life is for prioritising the living, not the dead.

BOOTS52 · 21/03/2022 12:23

I would go ahead and book a holiday for you and the children. He is acting like a child now himself. Of course the dad's anniversary is important but he would have wanted you to get on with your lives and you can do a memory thing for him on holidays, candles etc if you are religious go to a church. It must be his family who has said it to him but he has to put his own little family first now and I would not give up the chance of a holiday with your children especially since it has been years since you had one. Why should he be the one to dictate about the holiday, you are an adult and you can take the children away and he needs to realize it was his mistake.

Original poster
Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 12:23

If Saturday to Saturday is an option of course we would do that, but our budget is tight and if weekday to weekday is cheaper we can't afford to take the expensive option. Also hoped to go for at least 10 days if not two weeks. I'm happy to do something at some point with his family of they chose to, of course. Its just the complete lockdown of him, he did suggest "maybe you can take the kids then" which is what I can't believe. I'm honestly shell shocked, he will prioritise this over our family and still paint me as the uncaring, unsupportive one. I just feel his perspective is so skewed no amount of discussion can resolve this until he understands that? Bit it's like talking to a wall, or a childish toddler who stomps off. I was starting to doubt myself in believing I was completely unreasonable and spoilt for wanting a family holiday we had been looking forward to

OP posts:
Momicrone · 21/03/2022 12:24

I really don't understand marking birthdays in such a big way after someone has died, it's so mawkish, life is for the living

Original poster
Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 12:24

Me and my mother in law aren't close at all. Honestly it's not even something I would be able to talk to her about

OP posts:
tkwal · 21/03/2022 12:26

Grief is a strange thing and can creep up on you any time , however, I'm wondering if it's possible someone else has laid a guilt trip on him?. Whether it was a big birthday or not no one is going to forget the father.If you're away at the time could you maybe sprinkle petals at the waters edge (or something similar) at an appropriate time and have some quiet time while you remember him ?
Have you actually booked a holiday ? If its a package could you change the dates or will you lose the money and your leave entitlement? While I agree with a pp that you need to support your husband why does it have to be at a specific location ?

girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 12:27

If you book anything up to like 4 hours flight he could always fly to see his mom for a couple of days and fly back out again

NeedleNoodle3 · 21/03/2022 12:29

Book the holiday you want for example a 10 day trip and calmly ask if he wants to join you for the five days before or after the birthday weekend or however many days it works out.
So you could you do an 11 day Monday to Friday break and he joins you for the first or second half.

cadburyegg · 21/03/2022 12:30

My dad died last year. Absolutely no way would I prioritise going to a grave I can go to on any other day, over a much needed family holiday.

Chamomileteaplease · 21/03/2022 12:30

Does he have a trusted friend who could put across your point of view? It may make him realise that he might just be being unreasonable.

If he sticks to his guns I would honestly be tempted to go without him. But with another adult to help you!

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 21/03/2022 12:31

I can see both sides. I’m not sure either is unreasonable

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 21/03/2022 12:32

It's all very well the OP going ahead with the holiday just her and the kids But that's a lot of work for her. He should be there too.

Walkingalot · 21/03/2022 12:39

He's projecting - it's him that's being rude and outrageous. He's the one who pushed this holiday, let you book time off, no doubt the kids are excited - to just turn around and say 'no'. That's really mean.
When you say right in the middle, do you mean a w/e? If so, that really does leave you with no alternatives does it. Can't even have 1 week away. Do you think that once he's calmed down and had a think about it, he'll realise that he's being unfair and change his mind?

I'm sorry, but I never get the concept of celebrating birthdays when someone has died. I know people do though.

DillDanding · 21/03/2022 12:40

He’s being a twat.

Cancelling a family holiday to go and stand at the grave of someone who died years ago? No way would I put up with this.

youwouldthink · 21/03/2022 12:43

As someone who has lost a DH and DS I'm totally with you OP. Life is for living and if I was due to be away with DD then we would go.
Memories of loved ones are what carry on living. You can take a quiet moment anywhere and anytime to remember them.
He could arrange something with his mum a few days after you get back or before you go. Some flowers to be delivered on the day and facetime his mum from your trip.
Family trips are so important and announcing you will just have to put up with not going without discussion makes him an ass

Crunched · 21/03/2022 12:43

@Celtic1hair

Me and my mother in law aren't close at all. Honestly it's not even something I would be able to talk to her about
Maybe a family holiday together would be a good way to get closer to her? She may feel quite lonely and would love the chance to spend time with her DS's family.