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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

602 replies

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:35

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

OP posts:

steff13 · 21/03/2022 11:24

It can't be in the middle of the two weeks, though, it's in the middle of one of the weeks. So you could spend 1.5 weeks abroad, then a couple days with his family. Or, he could miss the first few days of the holiday and you can take the kids for the whole two weeks, and he can join you later.

Clearly he messed up forgetting the birthday, but no one wins by digging their heels in.

Pluvia · 21/03/2022 11:24

@Clymene

Oh I see! He had forgotten his dad's birthday. And now he's making a massive fuss because he feels guilty.

What a pillock

This. Guilty and embarrassed and would rather have a fight with you, and ruin a family holiday, than accept the fact that he didn't know his own father's birthday.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/03/2022 11:24

It's also extremely morbid. I'd HATE my DS to do this on my birthday after I've died - I'd like him to let me go and get on with his life. Maybe a few minutes of quiet reflection but that's it. And you can do that anywhere.

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 21/03/2022 11:27

So basically he wants to make the 2 weeks holidays a rememberanve of is late father.
And you are saying you are always his priority??

It sound slike he wanted to go and completely forgot the b'day etc... Since then he then spoke to his mum who mentioned the birthday blabla and he changed his mind wo a thought for his family and the consequences on all of you.

I would have a chat with him and ask him how he is planning to spend the two weeks. Ask him what he is planning to do to make it memorable for EVERYONE. Ask specific questions that you asked yourselves when lookig to book something. Remind him how important it is to 'make memories' and 'have a break after 3 years wo a proper hols'. And then ask him how he is planning to organise it.

See what he is going to come up with.
Maybe he'll have a lightbulb moment on shitty it might become for you all.
Maybe he'll onloy be able to think about 'seeing mum and then potter around'. In that case, id be tempeted to go away with the dcs on my own tbh. Fine that he wants to be with his mum on that day. Not fine that everyone else should have their hols reduced to nothing.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 21/03/2022 11:30

Are you married to my husband OP . Same with his family. I would guess your DH either forgot the dates or didn’t think it would be an issue and now his DM has said something like “it’d be nice to spend the day together on dad’s anniversary “ so your DH doesn’t want to upset his DM. Perhaps I’m projecting but that’s exactly the sort of scenario with my DH. A huge row a few months ago means I will no longer engage in conversation re DH’s mother, I’ve done my bit.

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 21/03/2022 11:31

am always the one who brings him up so our children know him,

Id stop doing that.
Its HIS dad. Up to him to talk about him to his dcs, not the leats becayse he will be the one who knows him best!

I'd also say that by doing that you are putting the whole focus on him and late FIL. Like if it should be everyone's focus. It's not.
The way you and the dcs will be grieving for FIL will have nothing to do with the way he is and he shouldn't expect everyone to grieve the same way, for special dates to have the same importance etc...
If this is THAT important to him, then up to him to do the remembrance, remember important dates etc etc.
Don't baby him

Evoll671 · 21/03/2022 11:32

I'd still go with the children and your husband can stay if he's changed his mind about going. Thers no reason for you all to miss out on your plans.

Wheresthebeach · 21/03/2022 11:33

He obviously forgot and is now in a complete tail spin.

He's being a complete dick though. His treatment of you isn't acceptable, nor is the storming off in front of the kids. Its like a toddler temper tantrum. Basically if you don't say/do as I like I'm going to go nuclear and ruin a day for you and the kids. Awful.

If he's this grief stricken after 4 years then he needs to go back into bereavement therapy pronto.

You're holiday should come first - he can have a nice day with his Mum another time. Hopefully he will come to his senses but if not - I'd book and go with the kids.

Sarahcoggles · 21/03/2022 11:33

@Celtic1hair

He passed in his early 60s. We don't live near them, they speak every few weeks. He has a massive guilt that we aren't closer for the kids.

What milestone birthday comes 4 years after "early 60s"? This is ridiculous, and I'd hope his DM would put a stop to it if she knew. Surely any grandparent would want her grandchildren to be happy, and not spend their summer holiday visiting a grave.

simbobs · 21/03/2022 11:34

I also think that his extreme reaction is due to having forgotten his late father's birthday, and his subsequent guilt. Do you have your own relationship with his mother? Is she aware of what he is planning to give up for an hour's remembrance? Would she approve of this, encourage it? Could you invite her along with you on holiday so that you could all remember him together? That would be my move in this situation.

Sarahcoggles · 21/03/2022 11:34

@steff13

Clearly he messed up forgetting the birthday, but no one wins by digging their heels in.

why can't a date be in the middle of 2 weeks? It could be the weekend in the middle.

Barkingmadhouse · 21/03/2022 11:35

You and the kids should go on holiday together and leave him home/to go to his mums

BobLemon · 21/03/2022 11:37

It drives me to distraction when people invest in their past instead of in their future.

It sounds like securing two weeks off work at the same time is really significant for you, as is the saving up. In that context, I’d be properly upset if I were you. Where is the consideration to you and your DC? Is he apologetic? Is he offering to find a solution so you get a holiday another time? You’re totally NBU.

MrMrsJones · 21/03/2022 11:37

Book a holiday away, he can come or not.

You can always, remember him on the day, it doesn't have to ruin the whole two weeks.

Original poster

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 11:38

Thank you to all of you who have kindly taken time out to reply and help give me some perspective.
I am lucky enough to have both of my parents so can't speak from experience, and it's always such a difficult subject to bring up with my husband. He does hold his family on a pedestal, and in a lot of ways I admire him for it because I'm so close to my family too (who are not perfect!). Its just we seem to struggle to communicate when it's a potential negative towards them, he seems to act as if it's really unkind so I suppose we've gotten into the habit of avoiding subjects. I think the real issue here is that it's come to a head with no real regard for our family unit. I know people grieve in different ways so I'm really thankful for all of your perspectives, I'm less inclined to visit graves, mark birthdays etc of the deceased, and celebrate them in a more day to day way so I understand everyone is different. But I'm just happy to hear I'm not, infact completely wicked for not being prepared to sacrifice a family holiday with three small children for it.

OP posts:

Redshoeblueshoe · 21/03/2022 11:38

On what planet is 65 a big birthday ? He doesn't sound nice at all

IncompleteSenten · 21/03/2022 11:39

I'd say ok I understand. I'll take the children away as originally planned and you can go spend the time with your mum.

Original poster

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 11:40

Sorry he was 65 when he died, would be his 70th this year.
Its on the Sunday in the middle of the two weeks.

OP posts:

implantreplace · 21/03/2022 11:40

* It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.*

The holiday issue really shouldn’t be your focus
This response, however, should be

LimoncelloMadness · 21/03/2022 11:43

No way on earth would I put up with this shit. Just tell him he needs to prioritise the living and if he decides to visit his dad's grave instead of have a holiday then you will be having a holiday with the children on your own - and stick to it. He needs to learn that you and your family come first now.

BobLemon · 21/03/2022 11:43

OP, also, there’s no f**king way I’d take three small children away by myself when they have a second parent who should be there. Yes, undoubtedly there are plenty of parents who take their small DCs away single-handedly, but that’s not your family set up and it has potential to be incredibly hard on you.

girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 11:43

@Celtic1hair

Sorry he was 65 when he died, would be his 70th this year. Its on the Sunday in the middle of the two weeks.

How do the family usually celebrate big birthdays? Do they always get together?

IncompleteSenten · 21/03/2022 11:45

Even if you end up all going away now, he's likely to be an arse to you isn't he? So you'd be paying loads to have a shitty holiday.

CPL593H · 21/03/2022 11:46

It's guilt OP. He obviously (and understandably) forgot the anniversary and is now overcompensating. Add in the underlying guilt about the distance from his family and you have the situation you're in now. It is IMO why he is lashing out as he is.

It's all totally misplaced and unreasonable, because it is negatively impacting the people he has a responsibility towards.

Kennykenkencat · 21/03/2022 11:47

@Celtic1hair

Its all his own doing. Its as if the minute his family is a topic a brick wall comes up and he gets total tunnel vision. He act as if, because you don't agree with him, you are against him. Its totally against his whole character 99% of the time, bit I'm really resentful of being cast into the role of a complete cow with no regard for his grief because I have the audacity to disagree. I understand he will always grieve, but it can't be a subject he can't be called out on?

But you are his family too. More so because he is putting his extended family before his actual family.

Are you sure there isn’t anything else going on. It just seems odd that for something he finds completely top priority that he must do over whatever else was planned that he forgot the dates when he decided on the dates you are going away.
It isn’t as though the date was something of a surprise. It hasn’t changed for the past 65 years

I would ask him once more if he is going on holiday or not and then personally I would book your 2 weeks abroad with or without him.

I wouldn’t be able to trust he wasn’t going to pull something else next year.

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