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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

602 replies

Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 10:35

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

OP posts:
RewildingAmbridge · 21/03/2022 11:48

Can you take MIL with you? Surely it's the being together that's the important bit

Original poster
Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 11:52

@implantreplace

* It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.*

The holiday issue really shouldn’t be your focus
This response, however, should be

Yes I know, and I'm fuming. Thing is he casually announced it, then said we could talk about it another time. Thing is I bite and want to resolve things or they just linger, so whatever row it descended into was then my fault as I couldn't just let it go and talk about it another time.
OP posts:
RebeccaCloud9 · 21/03/2022 11:52

Would he be interested in doing something whilst away to mark it? Eg (dependent on the type of holiday), cook his favourite meal, go to a restaurant he would have liked, listen to his favourite music, have a bonfire or sparklers, talk to the kids about him and share photos. Something to remember him and mark his birthday.

OrangeBlossomsinthesun · 21/03/2022 11:56

Why can't you go away Saturday to Saturday and then he can drive to the grave on Sunday?

TatianaBis · 21/03/2022 11:56

Of course you didn't want to discuss it another time. That doesn't meant he row is your fault. He can't just make a high handed announcement and then refuse to discuss it.

Crumbleburntbits · 21/03/2022 11:56

I agree that he doesn’t sound lovely. What was your FIL like? Would he have approved of the way that your DH is behaving?

WifeMotherWorkRepeat · 21/03/2022 11:56

I’m with you OP 100% on this!

I would resent my husband prioritising the dead over the living! I’m sorry for his loss and of course it’s important to have time with his family (his mum?) to help with the grieving process but why screw up precious family vacation time to celebrate a birthday milestone of someone who passed away 4 years ago. It’s the here and now is what is important and like you say you won’t get back the summer of 2022!!

Ontobetterthings · 21/03/2022 11:57

Cant you all do a toast to his birthday abroad? Put a wreath in the ocean or something or light a candle. I dont think you need to be at the grave.

AlternativePerspective · 21/03/2022 11:57

OP, why did you go to your parents and not home?

TatianaBis · 21/03/2022 11:58

Oh I didn't see your post saying you don't want a holiday in the UK.

In that case the only thing for it is for him to get a return flight back for the night. The cost is the consequence of his poor planning.

berlinbabylon · 21/03/2022 11:58

@WifeMotherWorkRepeat

I’m with you OP 100% on this! I would resent my husband prioritising the dead over the living! I’m sorry for his loss and of course it’s important to have time with his family (his mum?) to help with the grieving process but why screw up precious family vacation time to celebrate a birthday milestone of someone who passed away 4 years ago. It’s the here and now is what is important and like you say you won’t get back the summer of 2022!!
Exactly this.
blocker · 21/03/2022 12:00

Could he have a family get together to remember his father near his birthday I.e. the first weekend and then you can go away afterwards even if he's away on the actual birthday?

Sometimes we have to celebrate near the day, not on it in life as well so maybe that could be a compromise.

I would much rather remember my dead close loved one on his birthday than on the anniversary of his death; but I would be happy to have a gathering at an agreeable time near it if that worked better for other family members.

I feel like some people have no idea about grief, of losing a close loved one, and remembering the dead based on some of these responses.

Original poster
Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 12:01

@AlternativePerspective

OP, why did you go to your parents and not home?
I was looking after their pets when they were away, it was always the plan that the kids and I would stay there, they are only 10 minutes away. I just didn't go home first to sort anything out
OP posts:
Original poster
Celtic1hair · 21/03/2022 12:04

@Ontobetterthings

Cant you all do a toast to his birthday abroad? Put a wreath in the ocean or something or light a candle. I dont think you need to be at the grave.
Absolutely I would! But that's not what he wants or is willing to do
OP posts:
Scandisaurus22 · 21/03/2022 12:05

Would he, in the future once he’s gone, want his own children to sacrifice a much needed family holiday to visit his grave? I would rather my children went and enjoyed their life with their family as much as possible.

Mischance · 21/03/2022 12:05

I am widowed. There is absolutely no way that I would want any members of my family to miss out on anything whatsoever because of that. There have been significant anniversaries since his death, but we all carry on and mark these quietly in our own different ways.

It might be worth him asking his Mum what she thinks - for all he knows she might feel appalled at the idea of the family missing out on a holiday on her behalf. He needs to be open with her.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/03/2022 12:05

Sounds like you could go Saturday to Saturday in that case? Lots of places allow that.

You absolutely aren’t being wicked! He made the error, yes. If it was possible to change I’m sure you would but sounds like you can’t. In a way I agree with his words “it is what it is” - yes it is what it is, in that he now possibly can’t do what he would have like in terms of visiting his Dad’s grave that day.

The needs of small children do come first - it doesn’t benefit his late father at all for him to go, and his own needs can come second to the children.

irishfarmer · 21/03/2022 12:05

Did this just happen this morning? He hasn't reacted well but I think I understand. I was raised by my grandparents, who have both died, around the age your FIL died too. Grief is a strange thing. It would have been a big birthday for my GM this summer, some of my family want to organise a party. I don't actually think it's something healthy to do.

I wonder did he forget and got angry at himself, but took it out in the wrong way when he realised. I think if generally he is a great as you say wait until things calm down and find out what he wants to do. How can you compromise to both have a family holiday and to mark the birthday? Does it really matter if he visits the grave/ his family a week before the actual birthday?

PuggyMum · 21/03/2022 12:06

I'm another one that doesn't get the marking of dates when people pass away. You could literally have something every few weeks as you get older.

My MIL passed away a few years ago at 59, She was 250 miles away. So we planted a tree in her memory in the garden. If we are visiting around her birthday / Mother's Day / Xmas we go and lay flowers but certainly don't plan a visit especially. We holidayed regularly with PIL and to think of missing a family holiday for her birthday she'd be the first to say it's madness.

I think your DH had forgotten and now feels guilty and is trying to compensate but taking out on you and the kids is absolutely not fair.

I think you're in a no win situation now though. Let him come to his own conclusions for this one - and calmly state your concerns regarding his reaction and the kids missing out on a holiday.

I'd still be looking to take the kids away - if you can manage or rope in some help.

LBFseBrom · 21/03/2022 12:07

As you haven't actually booked anything yet, do try to go to your husband's family for a day or two. You can still arrange a holiday around that but it does seem important to him, and presumably to other family members, to mark his late father's milestone birthday.

PinkGinBigGrin · 21/03/2022 12:12

He's being ridiculous IMO. It's been 4 years, it's not like it's even recent.

He can remember his dad without having to visit his grave.
There shouldn't need to be a big show of "doing something" on the day. And I think if his dm is pushing for this it's a bit selfish of her.
He can just say a little prayer, throw a flower in the sea, light a candle - whatever he feels like. But he should prioritise his family and go on holiday - surely that's what his df would've wanted?

Visiting graves has always seemed a bit bizarre to me - your loved one isn't in that patch of soil, not really. They're in your heart.

Beautifulmonster87 · 21/03/2022 12:12

Wow he’s being really unfair.
It was four years ago and I am sure his dad would rather you spent the time away together with family enjoying yourself. The grave is just a grave, you could go for a nice meal on holiday that day and celebrate his life. Seems a bit OTT to cancel a holiday and waste that time you could have away together for one day… I’d be fuming if I were you.

Midlifemusings · 21/03/2022 12:13

I would be careful about pushing the life is for the living idea too hard. If one of your parents died young, you might also want to spend time with family on key dates or grieve their loss versus being expected to have fun and be in a great mood on a family holiday then.

I think his reaction was more his grief / guilt and hopefully once the emotions have calmed down, you can talk it through more rationally,

One of my best friend's lost her mom young a couple years ago and she still finds her birthday very hard. If her husband told her that her priority on that day needed to be him and the kids and that it was unreasonable to want to be with family and she needed to just live for the living - she would probably have a similar reaction to OPs DH.

Everyone grieves differently and you really can't tell someone they need to be over it by now. Many people still get really sad on key dates related to grief and loss. Read the bereavement threads - loss can be very hard for some people.

valleyofadventure · 21/03/2022 12:13

He should fly back for two days in the middle of the holiday.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/03/2022 12:13

Would your MIL join you on holiday? Not everyone’s cup of tea, I know, but if the relationship is good, your family has its holiday and the two of them can spend that day alone together, visiting the grave before or after the holiday?