Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

[Celtic1hair]

Posting here for advice as I'm at the end of my tether and am not sure what to do. FIL passed away 4 years age, this year would have been a big birthday. For context we have three small children and haven't been away on holiday since 2019. For months my husband has been the driving force to go away this year, saying nothing is more important than somehow affording a holiday for us as a family, wanting to make memories and for the children to enjoy. Booked two weeks off in the summer, and managed to get the same two weeks.
Fast forward to yesterday, he casually announced he would in fact like to visit his family instead to celebrate what would have been FIL birthday. It falls smack bang in the middle of the two weeks, likely meaning we can't go away.
I empathise with him, I know he will always grieve his father's loss and ordinarily I'd do anything to support him, but surely he has to put us first? For context, we have no other annual leave together as have to alternate for childcare. It predictably became a huge row, he stormed out of the car leaving me and the kids to go out for the day on our own. I went back to my parents and we haven't spoken since, apart from a message he sent saying how unbelievably rude and outrageous I was.

@ChinstrapBobblehat

When a thread is 23 pages long, please at least take the time to read the OP’s comments (press the ‘see all’ button on the first post) before you chip in with yet another iteration of exactly the same advice that’s been given since page 2. She has responded to each of these suggestions MANY times already and the situation has moved on.

Sorry to be arsey but seriously - threads like this just turn into cancel the fuckin cheque bc posters don’t actually bother to read them.

I don't know if this is aimed at me, but I have read all the OP's comments and I still don't see why they can't go on a 1 week beach holiday abroad as a compromise except that the OP doesn't want to. Which is fine, except she can't really complain that he won't compromise if she won't either.

What has he done on previous anniversaries?

Preparing to be shot down in flames for this, but in a nutshell, I completely understand where @Celtic1hair is coming from & if it were me, I'd continue with the holiday as planned & take my parents with me to help with the kids. Leave it up to husband to either come or not. 🤷‍♀️

If the parents couldn’t make it, I’d book a nanny for the 2 weeks.

I’d go whatever.

I'd pay for a friend to come along and keep me company. Wouldn't fancy holidaying with three kids alone.

OrangeBlosomsinthesun: I don't know if this is aimed at me, but I have read all the OP's comments and I still don't see why they can't go on a 1 week beach holiday abroad as a compromise except that the OP doesn't want to. Which is fine, except she can't really complain that he won't compromise if she won't either.
..............
I agree and there will be most of the week afterwards too.

If husband was always prioritising things over his wife and children, I would understand, but from what the op says he doesn't, he's generally great.

So @Celtic1hair what will you do

You will easily find a Saturday to Saturday holiday fir a week

All go , all come home. Dh goes to see mum Sunday

I don't think that dragging three kids overseas for five days is going to be much of a holiday for the OP. Her husband planned this and was so obviously grief stricken that he didn't remember the "significant birthday". He was so keen on this holiday that he persuaded the OP to take leave which cannot be changed, not to move house or get a pet and obviously prioritised saving for this holiday. She should not be taking three small kids away for five days after three years without a holiday and thinking herself lucky when her husband airily announces to her without warning that he is off to be maudlin with his mother for a non-existent birthday. I think birthdays are a bit like climbing Mt Everest as Sir Edmund Hilary said when it was suggested others might have got to the summit before him but hadn't made it down again- it only counts if you make it alive.

I'm not religiously observant but even the Old Testament says a man should leave his parents and cleave to his wife. Obviously men like the OP's husband have been a problem for more than two thousand years.

@BacardiOnATuesday

Like previous poster said, can you make a holiday of the visit…ie. rent a cottage / whatever in the area near his family and explore?

Plenty of beautiful places to stay and explore in the UK!

@BacardiOnATuesday Hardly compares to a holiday abroad if that’s what was on the table before

@gingerbiscuits

Preparing to be shot down in flames for this, but in a nutshell, I completely understand where *@Celtic1hair* is coming from & if it were me, I'd continue with the holiday as planned & take my parents with me to help with the kids. Leave it up to husband to either come or not. 🤷‍♀️

Me too. HE booked the holiday etc then has a big strop when he realised his dead father’s 70th birthday was in the middle of it and he wanted to visit the grave. He needs to decide what he wants to do and let OP enjoy her holiday with the children. I wouldn’t be at all impressed if my DH tried dumping this on me.

Your DH is being over dramatic but I think compromise is possible. If you wanted to go away for ‘family time’ then you can still do that at home or abroad but possibly for a shorter period (one instead of two weeks). Or you agree that you will go alone if going abroad is vitally important to you.

If you don’t both find a compromise it could damage your relationship. Then all the ‘making memories’ stuff will be worthless anyway.

For the record I disagree that you can’t have a decent holiday and ‘make memories’ in the UK. The holiday abroad can be postponed.
However the issue here is not about the holiday. It is about the OP’s DH jumping to whatever his mum / wider family want. The OP clearly doesn’t feel he is putting her needs first and this is the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I would book somewhere that has a crèche or kids club so you have some of a break/childcare. Or even book a short term nanny for the week to help with swimming pool duties etc and go on your holiday without DH.

A week isn’t 5 days holiday - doesn’t need to be a day travelling

Say you do tenerife - we do every year

Up at 3am. Airport 5am. Flight 7am. Land 11 ish. We are often in pool by 1230

Going home. Up 7. Airport 10. Lewve 12. Land 430. Home 630pm ish

Then dh gets up next day to drive to mil

@Ionlydomassiveones

I think you’re being far too considerate op. It’s been 4 years. And it’s a birthday that means nothing because the person is dead and won’t be there. It’s a ridiculous premise that doesn’t warrant ditching his family and a much longed-for holiday.

I know people are talking about respecting his ‘grief’ but this isn’t processing grief, this is wallowing in an unhealthy pointless memorial that, let’s face it, has already called your marriage into question and highjacked an important family time in your kids’ lives. So as far I’d be concerned the legacy of his grief is to cause significant upset to his wife and kids, not to mention the utter lack of respect and consideration for your needs and sensitivities. Nothing befitting the love he had for his father. He might be a nice guy most of the time but he’s being pig-headed, selfish and a bit thick on this. I’d be telling him so and making it very clear that his choices speak very loudly about where his loyalties lie and that you may have to reflect on that yourself for the future…

I agree with this OP! YANBU but your DH sure is! I'm a Catholic whose parents are both long dead. I believe in Heaven, Purgatory and Hell, pray for my parents' souls every day and hope with all my heart they're in Heaven. But NEVER, EVER would I have thrown a spanner in the works of my child's life like this for one of their birthdays once they were dead! Or even when they were alive TBH! I'm sure your DH loves his dad very much but his first duty now is to you and the DCs. He's being outrageously unfair and unjust to them as well as to you and I should imagine your late FIL, if he was a loving man, would be very disappointed in him. He is doing this for himself, not for his DF, who is beyond all that now, hopefully far too happy to be bothered about birthdays! Furthermore, you can honour your dead at any time, any day; there's no rule it has to be on their birthdays, it's more a tradition but the dead will not suffer more because you're a week or so late to the grave! I would tell him gently but firmly he owes it to his DC to put them before departed people, no matter how beloved. They're only small for a short time. If he's stubborn, go on the holiday with your DC and see can you find a friend to come with ye! I'm very sorry you're in this position. People are head-wreckers at times!

I always find getting up a 3 am to fly with small children puts me in that holiday mood right away. It makes the 7 am return flight being suggested sound almost like a lie in.

@Sweepingeyelashes

I always find getting up a 3 am to fly with small children puts me in that holiday mood right away. It makes the 7 am return flight being suggested sound almost like a lie in.

I'm not sure I'd be up for that either, but she doesn't have to do it like that. A week is plenty of time for a beach holiday in Europe and doesn't have to involve getting up at 3 am.

@Sweepingeyelashes

I always find getting up a 3 am to fly with small children puts me in that holiday mood right away. It makes the 7 am return flight being suggested sound almost like a lie in.

🤣

i only do 3am so we have the whole day there, meal out, early to bed that first night and then have anort 6 days there till go home

I pay a supplement not to do 3am.

@celtic1hair

So for a week... What are your dates and do able airports?

There are 1000s of people on here
.. There may be options on holidays you hadnt considered??

Yes I’m finding it hard to understand your dh reaction.
I can be listening to a song or see a reminder of my mum to grieve years after her death, have a cry or need to talk about her.I don’t need a special day. I do not understand people celebrating a milestone for a dead person unless it was a child or your the parent. Maybe this sounds harsh but it’s how I see it. Enjoying life with your family is v most important we don’t know what is ahead Hope this gets worked out for you and your family.

I didn't even know that it was a thing to celebrate your deceased parents' birthdays. It sounds quite morbid. He can't have remembered it because it was his idea to book the holiday for those particular dates so I have no idea why he is calling you rude and outrageous.

He is prioritising his dead father over his wife and kids. He is being unreasonable.

Three year old thread!!

I think the holiday took place (or didn't) some time ago.

@platinumanddiamonds

You know it’s bad form to post on Zombie threads and resurrect them, don’t you?

Why did you ignore the red warnings?

The OP has presumably moved on since they posted 3 years ago. 😂😕