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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents won't see us until we are all negative

205 replies

mag2305 · 21/03/2022 10:24

So myself, hubby and two children all have covid at the moment. We've thankfully all had it mildly but are all testing positive 9 days on. I'm aware that without symptoms, you don't have to keep testing beyond day 10. The problem is my parents won't see any of us until we test negative. I totally understand they don't want to get it as they're late 60s but we could go on testing positive for ages yet. They help with childcare so we can work so it's going to make things quite difficult and we can't afford to pay for childcare right now. I don't want to stress my parents out and it's obviously their choice. They're amazing providing childcare but I'm also worrying about work. AIBU?

OP posts:
TulipsGarden · 21/03/2022 10:42

You're very unlikely to be positive on LFT for more than a couple of weeks. That's just not how they work.

I think they're being sensible. By using grandparental childcare you run the risk of them not being available due to illness - what would you do if they did get Covid and were seriously ill?

AnyFucker · 21/03/2022 10:43

You will have to work it out between you and the childrens father. Just like you would have to for a variety of other reasons why childcare may have broken down.

Welcome to working parenthood with an added dollop of circulating endemic virus

JimmyShoo · 21/03/2022 10:48

I think they’re being sensible too. I know many people that have had very little in the way of symptoms but also a few that have been very unwell, including a fit 40 year old that ended up hospitalised.

It’s not fair to risk their health although I do understand that it makes things difficult for you.

LightDrizzle · 21/03/2022 10:51

You are both going to have to inform work and tag team as best you can. At least you will be able provide the positive tests to evidence why you can’t return as normal.

Once you are all negative you need to think about childcare and have an honest chat with your parents as to whether they are finding it a bit tiring at their current level of commitment. I know they are below retirement age but they are also well above child-bearing age and it may be a bit much. Them adoring their grandchildren doesn’t necessarily equate to them actually loving and coping with a regular and significant childcare commitment. They might be ready to move to a more normal grandparent role of seeing them and you all to do nice things together and to occasionally babysit and have them to stay.

If you can’t afford childcare at the moment you may need to make adjustments so you are less reliant on free childcare. It may mean letting a car go, living somewhere smaller or similar but it won’t last forever.

Do either of you have the option to request flexible working that could ease matters at all? Are either of you self employed? I know reducing hours = less income but people have to make these adjustments all the time.

I’ve seen older colleagues struggle with this. They loved their children and adored their grandchildren but did find having them dropped at their house at 7.15 in pjs every day and then after-school care a bit much. My colleague worked full time but his wife was working as a dinner lady at the school to work around them so she copped for everything. That was the most extreme situation but others had significant regular commitment and not all found it easy but feared letting their children down, despite not having had the new kitchens and holidays their children could afford when they were the same age, because they had managed without the same level of support.

Don’t get me started on them spending their weekends fitting laminate and decorating their adult children’s houses!

Emelene · 21/03/2022 11:02

I have sympathy OP. We are day 9 Covid, still positive. If the kids are positive even after the 10 day isolation and nursery won’t take them I don’t know what we will do for work.

I would love some information on how long LFTs can be positive for. But I did see something on a government website that 5% of people are still infectious at 10 days so it’s not no risk for your parents.

Saharafordessert · 21/03/2022 11:05

If you or your children passed covid on to your parents they’d be unable to provide childcare anyway so you need to stay away until you all test negative.

Viviennemary · 21/03/2022 11:07

It's inconvenient but you need to respect your parents wishes. You will have to look into alternative childcare.

TeeBee · 21/03/2022 11:08

I don't blame them. They're being cautious about their own health.

LittleGwyneth · 21/03/2022 11:10

I think they're being fairly silly but that's their choice, and you'll have to respect it and wait until they're ready.

Joinedforthis22 · 21/03/2022 11:10

YABU. And if one of your parents catches COVID from you then your childcare will be up shit creek anyway.

This! And also you shouldn't be in a position when you are totqlly reliant on free childcare, anything could happen to your parents and basing your families financial survival on them is not tenable.

Original poster
mag2305 · 21/03/2022 11:12

My son is testing positive on day 5 but no symptoms. Can he go back to nursery yet? Is it a legal requirement to keep him off. He only does half days but it might help with work and childcare a bit.

OP posts:
TheOrigRights · 21/03/2022 11:15

YABU for totally relying on elderly parents for childcare.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 21/03/2022 11:17

It is definitely worth letting your parents see the guidance around covid testing and explain that you might continue to test positive for 90 days. In a neutral way. Ask them what they want to do should that be the case. But in the event they remain of their view, then you just have to accept it. You are not really stuck between a rock and a hard place, as the decision rests entirely with your parents. I do understand why it is worrying for you.

Ohdearthatwasntgreatwasit · 21/03/2022 11:17

@EmpressCixi

I agree with your parents also. You do realise testing positive and then being in close contact for hours means almost certain transmission of Covid?
This isn’t bore out by the facts.

The chances of household transmission (I.e. when you actually live with the positive person) is around 10% for Delta and 18% for Omicron.

Dontjudgeme101 · 21/03/2022 11:17

Why don’t you phone the nursery and see what they say?

TheOrigRights · 21/03/2022 11:18

@mag2305

My son is testing positive on day 5 but no symptoms. Can he go back to nursery yet? Is it a legal requirement to keep him off. He only does half days but it might help with work and childcare a bit.
You should know this. You should take some responsibility for knowing what you need to do.
PurpleDaisies · 21/03/2022 11:18

@mag2305

My son is testing positive on day 5 but no symptoms. Can he go back to nursery yet? Is it a legal requirement to keep him off. He only does half days but it might help with work and childcare a bit.
What does your nursery say? They must have a view even if the legal requirement to isolate has gone.
Ohdearthatwasntgreatwasit · 21/03/2022 11:21

@mag2305 The only determining factor is whether he is well enough to go in.

There’s no requirement to keep a child off if they’re well enough to go in.

Plumbear2 · 21/03/2022 11:21

Its completely up to your parents. I'm bring extra carefull myself, I'm an older mum with health needs. If people visit I prefer them to test before and. I also test myself and the kids before we visit my parents even if we don't have symptoms.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 21/03/2022 11:22

YABU you will have to grit your teeth, buckle up and do what the vast majority of working parents do - pay for childcare!!
Your parents can make whatever decision they want, however over cautious it might be. It’s your responsibility as a parent and an adult to sort childcare arrangements - regardless of Covid what is your backup plan if your parents become ill?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/03/2022 11:23

I think your parents are sensible to protect their own health.

I’d ring the nursery and ask their policy. Don’t just send him without telling them though.

ReadyToMoveIt · 21/03/2022 11:25

What plans do you have in place for childcare if your parents test positive and can’t have your children for 5-10 days?

LizDoingTheCanCan · 21/03/2022 11:25

@mag2305

My son is testing positive on day 5 but no symptoms. Can he go back to nursery yet? Is it a legal requirement to keep him off. He only does half days but it might help with work and childcare a bit.
If anyone is wondering why case rates are so high, it's people like this ^^
incognitoforthisone · 21/03/2022 11:26

I get that this is a massive inconvenience, but YABU.

You're highly unlikely to keep testing positive for that long anyway, so you're probably worrying about something that won't be an issue. (I know a lot of people say you can test positive for 90 days, but that's PCR tests, not LFTs. They're different tests.)

Ultimately, your parents are doing you a massive favour by providing free childcare for your children in their late 60s and you are very much in a 'beggars can't be choosers' situation here. Of course they can decide they want to err on the side of caution.

You are parents to your own children. You have to take responsibility for unforeseen care issues when they arise. It is not up to grandparents to deal with these problems or to compromise on what they perceive to be a risk to their own health.

Regarding the nursery issue - jeez, just phone the nursery and ask what their policy is. Take some responsibility for sorting stuff out.

whynotwhatknot · 21/03/2022 11:33

My dh was told by work not to test lft or pcr for 90 days as it could still show a positive-hopefully it wont go on that long but are they really saying they wont see you for 3 months?