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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this isn't normal re DS 12

381 replies

Deereemer · 20/03/2022 18:13

Ds got a tech ban this weekend due to unacceptable behaviour yesterday. The bam is for 3 weeks as things have been getting out of hand with how he has been, increasingly rude, shouty, downright aggressive at times.

He is in his bed crying and i mean wailing because he will miss the new fortnight update. When he stops crying he just stares at the wall and doesn't do anything at. All.

I am worried this is a sign of gaming addiction or depression, i don't know.

Any advice welcomed

OP posts:

Pumperthepumper · 20/03/2022 19:19

@OfstedOffred

Fortnite may have helped him get through lockdown I imagine, it’s important to him and his support group/peer group I should think?

These children are 12. They are only just old enough to play it, how important can it be in their lives? It shouldnt be so important. It sounds like the child needs a prolonged ban to break the addiction regardless.

You don't quit alcohol for a day then see if you can manage a little. You have to go cold turkey much longer for it to reset your brain.

Or maybe, don’t buy your twelve years old a games console then get on your high horse when he enjoys it? Bring in some regulations before it gets to the stage that his life revolves around it?

TheMoth · 20/03/2022 19:22

I think 3 weeks is too long. They have v short attention spans. 3 weeks is an eternity and looses all impact.

I have always had a rule that a poor reaction to losing screen time/ being told time's up, begets more time added to a ban. It's been quite effective. Ds is 12 and regularly loses screen time if the state of his room makes me lose my shit. Generally, he loses it until his room is perfect and he's done other jobs. It works well. He knows the rules and he knows when he's fucked up.

Happymum12345 · 20/03/2022 19:23

3 weeks is far too long. Short sharp bursts are much better. You’re punishing yourself with that long a time without gadgets!

MissAmbrosia · 20/03/2022 19:25

3 weeks is ridiculous. Depends what he has done, but rude shouty type behaviour is relatively normal at this age along with door slamming etc. I would comment that's it's not acceptable, then ignore, and 24/48 hours is plenty for a punishment.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/03/2022 19:25

3 weeks seems long. We did a week when the DC were fighting over the console and arguing. It got locked in the boot of the car. There was weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth etc. It was enough to get the message through to them.

The other thing we did was make sure they had other activities outside of school to do. They did sport on the weekend and were encouraged to go out and meet friends even if it was just a bike ride in the park or a trip to McD. Homework had to be done before gaming and if they got poor marks for the HW due to rushing it to go online then they lost the tech for the next day.

PinkGinBigGrin · 20/03/2022 19:27

I agree with others that 3 weeks is too long.

Don't go back on it as such but tell him if he proves to you he can be mature and follow the rules you've set out for the next week you will allow him back on for a limited time (2 hours of an evening or whatever).

Deadringer · 20/03/2022 19:28

I think 3 weeks is too long, i would give him the oppurtunity to earn it back with good behaviour, which he has to keep up if he wants to keep playing. Carrot not stick.

SchoolNightWine · 20/03/2022 19:28

They get so obsessed with gaming at that age, and it does seem like the end of their world when you ban it. My ds was exactly the same and proper sobbed at times. He's grown out of it at 15 and just sulks for the first day of a ban now, then behaves as he knows it's the only way he'll get it back!
Unless there's mental health worries with your ds, I'd stick to the ban as they need to know at 12/13 that you will follow through with punishments, or you'll be in for a very rough ride come 15 and beyond.

BeetyAxe · 20/03/2022 19:29

My 11yo DS would be the same and it would be genuine heartbreak I don’t know what the answer is but definitely think 3 weeks is too long. What exactly did he do?

Thefrenchconnection1 · 20/03/2022 19:31

Three weeks for anything not criminal is too long. Short, sharp consequences followed by minor chores to get it back works here.

Philisophigal · 20/03/2022 19:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

EmpressCixi · 20/03/2022 19:35

A 3 week ban from all tech is far too long for rudeness, shouty and aggressive behaviour during 1 day.

I agree with the pp, any bans should be in 24hr increments. If you must punish.

12 is a bit old to be punishing anyway. I much prefer the talk with them, have them apologise and think about what they did wrong, then talk with them on how to ensure behaviour doesn’t happen again going forward.

I mean if we accidentally are rude or shout at a child or partner, we don’t get punished. We apologise and talk about how we will do better in future. I treat 12 and teens the same way. Punishment is really for young children to get them to remember not to do something at an age where their self control is low.

Somersetlady · 20/03/2022 19:35

I think it’s part of the reason these games have a rating on them?

Fortnight is for teenagers.

Hopefully you can talk it through with him and explain your worries see what he says?

WonderfulYou · 20/03/2022 19:36

In which case our society has got bigger fucking problems than OP's choice of discipline, if 12 year olds can't be friends with a peer purely because they dont play a computer game they are only just old enough to play.

Why do we all put up with this shit? We are raising a generation of completely screen/game/social media addicted people and it's not good.

It’s 2022 not the 1850s.

I’m sure people said the same thing when computers or mobile phones were invented and people stop sending letters to communicate.

Times change.
This is his social life/play.
It’s no different than I was younger and we’d be grounded for 3 weeks. Its unnecessarily long.

Thehop · 20/03/2022 19:36

This absolutely

Thehop · 20/03/2022 19:37

Sorry that was meant to quote @CremeEggsForBreakfast from page 1

itsjustnotok · 20/03/2022 19:38

3 weeks isn’t that long! If his behaviour has been getting worse then a nasty shock might well do him good. Sick of pathetic punishments, the number of 12 year olds I know who are little shits and their parents are half hearted in disciplining them is unreal. There’s a group of 12yr olds who have been causing all sorts of trouble around our area and the parents attempts to deal with it are worthless, they make excuses and then wonder why they get no respect.

Sharrowgirl · 20/03/2022 19:39

We use screen bans as a punishment but I can’t imagine ANYTHING that would warrant 3 weeks. 3 days is the most we’ve ever dished out.

Somersetlady · 20/03/2022 19:40

@Savvysix1984

Gaming is 'play', whilst not in the typical or old fashioned sense but it is how many children/ young people interact and learn about themselves and the world. 3 weeks is too long. Would you ban him from riding his bike (if that was his thing) or playing football for the same behaviour?

I love this.

Would you compare an exercised based activity that is proven to be good for you physically and mentally with a none physical activity that is proven to be addictive and have negative consequences in pre teens???🤣🤣🤣

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 20/03/2022 19:41

It’s likely a gaming addiction, we don’t allow gaming on a Sunday and Wednesday.

My boys who are 12 and 16 are only allowed to play when their home work and chores are completed, they lose their privileges if they lack in their responsibilities.

They do activities 6 x a week (sometimes 2 a day) so on average they are playing roughly around 8- 10 hours a week, they rarely watch tbh unless it’s to go to the cinema.

You need to control his gaming time, I have a 12 year old and I’m be seriously worried if he was vocalising his frustrations in this manner.

MargaretThursday · 20/03/2022 19:42

@OfstedOffred

Imo such a ban will impede on his friendships at school. When everyone is talking about the fame he will be left out.

Why do we all put up with this shit? We are raising a generation of completely screen/game/social media addicted people and it's not good.

It's nothing new to have everyone talking about something.

When I was at school there were times when it used to seem everyone had watched the same programme and it was talked about non-stop for days. We never had watched it at home.

For me, I carved a small niche in being the person who hadn't seen it, but was happy for others to rave about it to me and tell all the ins and outs, and appear excited at the descriptions.
My sister felt it limited her because she couldn't join in with the conversation at school, and it did impact her social ability possibly partially because she felt that she couldn't join in, but also because she didn't have anything to say on things her year felt important.

It's a similar thing.

Original poster

Deereemer · 20/03/2022 19:44

He told me 'get the fuck out of his room'

Incredible that hes getting it back in 3 werks.

Feeding children addictive games makes parenting easier though doesn't it.

OP posts:

PearlyShamps · 20/03/2022 19:44

Missing the Fortnight update is the equivalent of being grounded and missing THE party of the year. It's a huge upset & inconvenience. Isn't that the point of a punishment though? If he feels no hardship from his punishment, then what's the point?

3 weeks seems quite a long tech ban for his age, IMO... but that's up to you. I sometimes let my DD "earn" back a few minutes of tech-time, in the latter part of a ban, by doing extra chores. This works quite well for us.

OfstedOffred · 20/03/2022 19:44

I wonder if all the people who think it's a travesty to ban a child from playing a game suitable for teens for more than 24h.... is why schools these days have so many behaviour problems

Midlifemusings · 20/03/2022 19:45

Breaking the addiction is important. I am sure he is distressed. We ended up doing a month long tech holiday after screentime had become an issue in the house. The 11 year old was sure his life was over and that we had ruined his life and he had nothing to live for. His friends didn't abandon him and he actually found other hobbies and interests and was overall a happier kid who spent a lot less time in his room. The first few days were rough but he came around. We kept up his new activities and added some screentime back in with a long conversation about the importance of balance and not being addicted / needing to be online. He had no problem getting caught up on his games after a break and there was really no social ramifications other than some sulking that he couldn't talk new game acitivites for a few weeks. He would still be on the computer as much as he can be. He loves gaming but we have been able to maintain a good balance since the holiday and I think he also knows we may take another one if it gets out of balance again.

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