To think this isn't normal re DS 12

[Deereemer]

Ds got a tech ban this weekend due to unacceptable behaviour yesterday. The bam is for 3 weeks as things have been getting out of hand with how he has been, increasingly rude, shouty, downright aggressive at times.

He is in his bed crying and i mean wailing because he will miss the new fortnight update. When he stops crying he just stares at the wall and doesn't do anything at. All.

I am worried this is a sign of gaming addiction or depression, i don't know.

Any advice welcomed

You're coming across as aggressive yourself, OP, both to your son and now to posters who disagree with your methods.
I think it could be part of the problem.
Not trying to be mean, but you need to model the behaviour you expect from your son.

He'll live.

In our house we have essentials, desirables and luxuries.

Essentials are meeting a childs needs (for nutrition, warmth, safety, friendships, appropriate levels of automobile and privacy, support with education) and rights such as a childs right to play, advocacy, to be heard.

Gaming is neither of these. It is a luxury. And as such if behaviour deteriorates wr talk and we listen and we back it up with the removal of luxuries for a specified period.

I also think 3 weeks is disproportionate. Only because it probably feels like forever to him and by the time his done that ban, he’ll have forgotten what he did anyway.

My DC do get a screen time ban as a punishment but they know it’s for the rest of the day. They start with the device and then it’s theirs to lose.

@LouisRenault
This is how rude, shouty and aggressive men are made, by letting rude, shouty and aggressive boys think they can behave like that with no consequences.

Yeah thanks for deleting the second half of my post delineating clear consequences that actually teach a person how to behave unlike using a stick to beat someone with of a draconian 3 week tech ban. Such a punishment teaches fuck all and Id argue more likely to create rude, shouty, and aggressive men and fathers who think draconian 3 week punishments designed to break the spirit and make the person a social outcast for merely saying “get the fuck out my room” in the heat of the moment is the right thing to do. What was OP even doing in his room anyway?

*autonomy

That’s all he did? I think your punishment is way OTT.
What were you doing in his room in the first place anyway?
What horribly low standards you must have. He is a child, they need guidance on how to behave and handle their emotions. I’m a teacher and I tend to find that the kids that are most successful are the ones who have parents that have firm boundaries, the ones who stick up for their kids no matter what and let them get away with murder end up asking for support in later years when their child has gone off the rails.

@Deereemer

In our house we have essentials, desirables and luxuries.

Essentials are meeting a childs needs (for nutrition, warmth, safety, friendships, appropriate levels of automobile and privacy, support with education) and rights such as a childs right to play, advocacy, to be heard.

Gaming is neither of these. It is a luxury. And as such if behaviour deteriorates wr talk and we listen and we back it up with the removal of luxuries for a specified period.

Isn’t gaming a form of play? So why doesn’t that fall under right to play? And what about right to privacy? What were you doing in his room without his permission on the first place?

Im sorry if im coming across as aggressive. Im totally fed up with the overly liberal attitude of a vocal majority of parents who happily Bury their head in the sand for a quiet life. How many of these parents realise that young men are being radicalised on chatrooms like Dischord?

What was OP even doing in his room anyway?

What does it matter? No matter what I was doing I wouldn’t expect to be spoken to like that. Especially by a family member.

My DS age 11 acts like this with a one or two day ban. Will literally sit in his room and stare at the wall for hours as he can’t possibly do anything if it isnt gaming as everything else is boring.

@GracieLouFreeebush

That’s all he did? I think your punishment is way OTT. What were you doing in his room in the first place anyway? What horribly low standards you must have. He is a child, they need guidance on how to behave and handle their emotions. I’m a teacher and I tend to find that the kids that are most successful are the ones who have parents that have firm boundaries, the ones who stick up for their kids no matter what and let them get away with murder end up asking for support in later years when their child has gone off the rails.

I’m also a teacher.

Overwhelmingly the kids that have the worst time at school are the ones who are allowed huge amounts of time self-regulating their behaviour, and are then punished disproportionately when they can’t gauge what that behaviour looks like.

merely saying “get the fuck out my room” in the heat of the moment is the right thing to do. What was OP even doing in his room anyway?

Is this what its like to have someone hairy of hands on the thread?

Surely here prevention is better than cure? How did he get to think that swearing at you would ever even be worth the risk? We're a sweary house. Dh and I swear a lot. Ds wouldn't even dare, no matter how pissed off he was.

I suppose he thinks that if an untidy room and inappropriate tone of voice gets swift retribution, he'd better not push it.

You are a great parent giving a long ban. Children who are rude and disrespectful need to know there are consequences for their actions. In the long run you will have a polite well behaved son !

@Deereemer

Im sorry if im coming across as aggressive. Im totally fed up with the overly liberal attitude of a vocal majority of parents who happily Bury their head in the sand for a quiet life. How many of these parents realise that young men are being radicalised on chatrooms like Dischord?

Who bought him the console?

@ColgateGirl

What a mix of opinions on this thread.

Curious, do you thinking sending the message to a teen that all they have to do is tantrum to have things their own way would help their behaviour in the future?

If he's struggling with his emotions, there are ways to help him deal with that without going back on what you've said and creating unclear boundaries and mixed messages OP.

Good luck

Or maybe it could teach a young man that being open and honest about his feelings is safe in this relationship and enables other people to respect them. And that people (even parents) make mistakes and it’s possible to admit them and make reparations without losing face.

It’s drama, for sure, but he’s telling you about his pain (and it is pain, not feeling like you fit in at that age). If you aren’t listening he will tell you louder and louder. And it will be through more and poorer behaviour, not words because he isn’t an adult. And you’re already seeing poor behaviour, which is a sign he is already out of sorts somewhere. I’d be creating a lot of safety and security to find out what’s bothering him, myself, not excluding him further with a massively disproportionate punishment.

Also, this isn’t a consequence, it’s a parent-imposed punishment.

What were you doing in his room without his permission on the first place?

He’s 12, ffs.

Overwhelmingly the kids that have the worst time at school are the ones who are allowed huge amounts of time self-regulating their behaviour, and are then punished disproportionately when they can’t gauge what that behaviour looks like.

Eh?

I think you have to ride it out OP. I don't disagree with your punishment. As soon as things start getting bad (stomping/sulking/shouting) we stop all gaming.

Can you use this time to get him into something else non-gaming? Or lay down new rules about time limits on gaming?

@Deereemer

Overwhelmingly the kids that have the worst time at school are the ones who are allowed huge amounts of time self-regulating their behaviour, and are then punished disproportionately when they can’t gauge what that behaviour looks like.

Eh?

What are you struggling with?

And again: who bought him the console?

@GracieLouFreeebush

That’s all he did? I think your punishment is way OTT. What were you doing in his room in the first place anyway? What horribly low standards you must have. He is a child, they need guidance on how to behave and handle their emotions. I’m a teacher and I tend to find that the kids that are most successful are the ones who have parents that have firm boundaries, the ones who stick up for their kids no matter what and let them get away with murder end up asking for support in later years when their child has gone off the rails.

My standards are not low. They are very high indeed. High for the child and myself unlike some on here. I don’t engage in knee jerk draconian punishments that hurt a child. I communicate with my kids when they do wrong, teach them how to behave and model good behaviour. There is no need for a 3 week tech ban for saying “get the fuck out my room” for one, my kids have the privacy of their rooms. Swearing is not on, so I’d ask them what is wrong for them to feel the need to swear and we’d have a chat. I might give them an extra chore if the swearing were malicious or done on purpose.

Oh, and none of my children have gone off the rails....

@Deereemer

Im sorry if im coming across as aggressive. Im totally fed up with the overly liberal attitude of a vocal majority of parents who happily Bury their head in the sand for a quiet life. How many of these parents realise that young men are being radicalised on chatrooms like Dischord?

Given this I can’t believe you allowed him to play the game at all I don’t. No way.

A 3 week ban? That's very harsh for a kid

@Blossomtoes

What were you doing in his room without his permission on the first place?

He’s 12, ffs.

Yes, 12 yo male in puberty who shouldn’t have to worry about his female mum bursting in at anytime. He should have the right to the privacy of his room. FFS back at you.